One Day at a Time (Starting Over Series Book 4) (22 page)

Tessa said she wasn’t giving up and she certainly wasn’t. She sent songs that meant something to both of them, pictures, and last night he’d gotten a picture of her tattoo. He should’ve been there with her, holding her hand. Not watching through the window like a creepy stalker. His dumb ass even followed her to the drug store. He just had to see her. She looked okay, but he could see that her eyes were sad. He hated that he was the cause and he didn’t know if the damage he caused could be repaired.

Now he was driving back to his lonely house when his phone dinged. At the stoplight he picked it up to look at it. It was another text from Tessa.

Tessa: I heard this and it seemed fitting. I miss you and I love you.

It was “I Won’t Give Up”
by Jason Mraz
.
He loved that song and listened to it the rest of the way home. He didn’t respond to her text because he didn’t know what to say.

When he got home he got in the shower. The hot water felt good on his sore muscles. One positive thing to come from the last month was he was stronger, more muscular. With his eyes closed he began to fantasize about Tessa. He loved showering with her. Since she was tall and had long legs he could fuck her in the shower with ease. He felt his dick get hard and wrapped a fist around it.

It didn’t take long for him to come since all he had to imagine was her there. Her back against the wall and her leg up and around his hip, his dick shuttling in and out of her tight pussy. He came with a shout, milking every drop from his body.

He rinsed off and climbed out. He felt a little more relaxed, but he felt just a little bit empty. She had woken up the sexual side of him and now he was having to jerk off to keep his ever-present erection at bay. It was no use—every time he thought of Tessa, his would harden again. Cash threw on a pair of sweats and picked up his guitar.

He began his nightly ritual—writing music. Since breaking up with Tessa, Cash had written two songs. Of course, both of them were about her—his love for her and his internal conflict. He thought about sharing the lyrics with Derek, but he didn’t want to be psychoanalyzed.

By ten o’clock he was wiped. He put his guitar away and the notebook back on his nightstand, then went outside to have one more smoke before bed. Sitting down on the steps he lit his cigarette, and with it between his lips he pulled out his phone. Right that second, like she knew he had it, Tessa texted him like she did almost every night.

Tessa:
I just wanted to tell you goodnight and that I’m here when you’re ready. Maybe that makes me pathetic, maybe it makes me weak, but all I know is that I love you and want to be there for you when you’re ready to let me in. Here’s another song that made me think of you, us and everything that’s happened. I love you.

He clicked on the link and “You Found Me”
by The Fray began to play. He lay down on his back, letting the cold seep into his skin as he listened to the song. With his eyes closed he let her words and the song go through his head. After it was over he brought up her contact information and stared at her picture as his finger hovered over the call button. Instead of placing the call, he cancelled it and went back inside.

***

As more time passed, her texts were coming less and less. He couldn’t blame her as he never responded to her. He looked forward to her texts and the songs she sent him. He saw her the other day when he was heading to a job. She hadn’t noticed him when she drove right past him. He had wanted to follow her for a chance to see what she was doing, but he didn’t.

He drove toward the church where their NA meeting was held. This would be the first time he came back to this one since Sam died. Derek had helped him find another meeting place that he could go to until he felt ready to go back. Pulling into the parking lot he saw Betsy standing in their spot and a wave of sadness washed over him. It was always him, Betsy, and Sam standing there, having a smoke before the meeting.

When he reached Betsy, he pulled out his pack and handed her one. “I’m glad you’ve come back. The meetings haven’t been the same without you.” She looked up at him with her big brown eyes.

He wrapped his free arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I promise that won’t happen again.” Now if only he could fix things with Tessa. Well, he knew how to fix things with her—he just needed to stop running scared.

They smoked their cigarettes and then joined the others inside. One of the long-time members, Glenn, came over to Cash and gave him a slap on the back. “Welcome back, son.”

“Thanks. I’m glad to be back.”

Everyone settled in, and he listened to everyone who got up to speak. He took comfort in knowing that he wasn’t alone in his struggles. That was why he still went to the meetings—as a reminder that recovery was one day at a time.

Right before the meeting ended he felt his phone vibrate, but he would wait until he was out of there to look. He mentally crossed his fingers that it was his girl, and then he could beg her to forgive him for being a grade-A idiot. He was just going to have to prove to her he made a mistake—one he wouldn’t make again.

After the Serenity prayer he and Betsy went outside for their customary smoke. As soon as he lit his cigarette, Cash looked at Betsy and asked, “How is Tessa?”

Betsy looked up at him and shook her head. “Do you want me to sugar coat it or do you want the truth?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“She’s okay. Not very talkative these days, and she’s been more distant. If you want her, you better do something soon. It feels like she’s given up. She doesn’t ask about you anymore. I can tell she wants to, but she doesn’t.”

He took a deep drag from his cigarette and stared down at his shoes. He thought he was doing her a favor by ending things. Now he knew it was a mistake, but what if it was finally too late? What if she never forgave him? He felt Betsy’s hand on his arm.

“What do I do? I’ve ruined it. She’s never going to forgive me.” He was starting to panic. Why didn’t he listen to everyone?

“She loves you. She’ll forgive you. We just need to think of something grand to do. Be prepared to grovel. Go home and think about what you want to do. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Okay, doll. It’s a deal.” He pulled Betsy into a hug. “Thanks. Kiss the girls for me.”

He jogged to his truck and then hopped in. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, remembering that it vibrated earlier. Groaning, he saw that it was dead. He looked around the cab of his truck and cursed when he couldn’t find his charger. Tossing the phone in the seat, he was just going to have to wait until he got home.

After picking up dinner at a drive-thru at a burger joint, Cash arrived at home and plugged in his phone. He ate and checked his schedule for the rest of the week while he waited, impatiently. After he ate he went out to have a quick cigarette and then a shower. That would give his phone time to charge.

By the time he was done with everything, he was ready to check his phone and then start coming up with a plan to make things right. As soon as his phone powered up, his text message notification flashed on the screen. He felt his heart start to race when he saw the message was from Tessa.

Tessa: I just thought I’d let you know I’m not pregnant. I got my period.

He sank down on the sofa and stared at the screen. He’d been waiting and waiting to find out if she was or not. A part of him felt unexpected pain. For a second he let himself think about what it might’ve been like had she gotten pregnant. His phone dinged again and he saw it was his girl again. Swiping his thumb across the screen he saw it was another link to a song. Clicking on it he froze. “Say Something” started playing. His stomach sank. What was that supposed to mean?

Cash: Baby, can I call you? I know I’ve messed this all up, but I love you.

He listened to the song while he waited for her to respond or call him. For every minute that passed he felt that it was over. What did he expect? She held on for almost two months while he beat himself up and had his head up his ass. Did he think she was going to wait forever while he got his shit together? Obviously, because he looked forward to every text and every song that she sent. It wasn’t fair to her, and now she was giving up. His phone dinged again and he picked it up.

Tessa: No
.

His heart sank when he clicked on the link to the other song she sent, “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.”
He dialed her number—it went right to voicemail.

“Fuck!” he yelled. He dialed Betsy next. She could get Tessa to answer.

While he talked to Betsy and then waited while she called Tessa, Cash sat outside and chain-smoked. Why was he so stupid? He should’ve shared his fears with her. Communicating was something he always struggled with, even when he was younger. Had he told his dad that he was putting too much pressure on him, he may never have started using drugs. It was too late to dwell on the past, but he could finally start moving forward. His phone rang and he picked it up.

“Hey, Bets, did you talk to her?”

“Yeah, honey, I did. She’s a mess, Cash. She doesn’t want to talk to you right now. She said she needs time.”

“Okay, but I’m not giving up.” He wasn’t. She was his soul mate and she owned a piece of his heart.

“I’m glad to hear that. Just give her a couple of days.”

He took a deep breath. “Do you think it’s too late?” He hated asking, and even if the answer was yes he was still going to try and win her back.

“No, I don’t. She told me she still loves you.”

That was good news. It gave him hope that he was going to be able to fix this mess he caused. Then he’d do whatever was necessary to win her back. He hung up with her and started formulating a plan.

***

The past couple of weeks had been awful. Tessa had made herself start pulling away from Cash. She didn’t want to, she really didn’t, but she was starting to break. Had she known how painful love was, she probably wouldn’t have dated him in the first place. She spent a lot of time thinking about things. She loved him, but she got nothing from him for two whole months. She knew he was beating himself up about what happened in his past because of his addiction, but it wasn’t fair. The other night when she had gotten his text, finally she decided she needed a couple of days to think about what he had said and if they really had a chance of making it.

This week Josie was on fall break so Tessa’s work was being flexible with her schedule. Hunter’s wife was helping the one night her boss couldn’t switch shifts for her. They decided last night to make cookies, so they were doing that all day. Their ingredients were all over the counter and they had the music pumping.

Tessa had made them matching aprons the year before and they always wore them when they cooked together.

“Okay, missy. Which cookies are we making first?”

“We should make Daddy’s favorite.” The little girl was jumping up and down in front of her.

“All right, chocolate chip it is.” Those were the easiest ones to make so a good place to start. Together they mixed the ingredients, spooned them onto a cookie sheet and then placed them in the oven.

After all of the chocolate chips were done they licked the spoon and bowl. Tessa washed them when they were done and got them ready for the next set of cookies. Just when she was getting everything measured, Daisy came trotting out into the kitchen.

She took a minute to pick up her little furball and gave her a kiss on the nose. “Josie, why don’t you go take Daisy outside real quick and see if you can get her to go potty.”

Her niece loved any chance she could get to take the little puppy outside. As soon as Daisy saw her leash in Josie’s hand she began hopping around like a little grasshopper, “Sweetheart, make sure you clean up any mess she makes.”

The door slammed behind Josie as she flew outside with Daisy. More than likely it would be a bit before they came back in. Usually the other little kids in the complex came out to play with Daisy when they saw her. So without her helper, she started working on the next batch. As she mixed the batter, listening to Ed Sheeran she couldn’t help but think about Cash because they had similar styles that she loved.

Grabbing the tray of cookies she slid them into the oven and then heard the front door open. “Josie?”

“Aunt Tessa, come here.” Tessa grabbed her phone and walked out into the living room.

“Thweethea…Dad?” Her insides quaked as she watched him rest a hand on Josie’s shoulder, and she noticed he was carrying Daisy.

“Hello, Tessa. I see you still talk like a retard. I admit I didn’t notice it the last time we saw each other. I just came over to thank you for having me locked up.” The scent of liquor came off of him in waves.

“That’s not my fault and you know it. What are you doing here? If Jonathon finds you here he’s going to throw you back in jail.” She turned to Josie. “Come here, honey.” Josie stepped away and walked quickly to Tess, who immediately pulled her in close to her body.

“Your brother’s not going to do shit.” He went to the couch and sat down. It was obvious he wasn’t going anywhere. “Go put your phone on that side table next to you, Tessa. You don’t want me to have to do something to this furry little rat, do you?”

Daisy was whining in his arms. Her poor baby probably didn’t even realize what was going on. Sure her dad used to hit her, but he wouldn’t hurt an animal, would he?

“Wh-What do you want?” She kept herself between him and Josie. Holding out her hands, she whispered. “Pl-Please give me Daisy.”

“P-P-Please!” he said with a laugh. He dropped Daisy to the floor, and like it happened in slow motion, his foot came out, and with one swift kick Daisy yelped before she hit the wall and then the floor. “
No
!” she shouted. Turning to run to her puppy, she was stopped when a hand gripped her hair. She cried out when her back connected with his chest.