One Lonely Degree (22 page)

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busiest shift of the week, which means Nishani and I barely have a minute to talk on our last day together. People keep tapping us on the shoulder, asking us where they can find party goods, Easy-Bake ovens, and Play-Doh sets. Nishani, in a good mood, on account of her imminent transfer to cash, does most of the PR work while I rush in and out of the stockroom on overdrive.

One of the stock guys, Sebastian, left halfway through his shift with food poisoning. Courtney says it’s more likely alcohol poisoning. Either way, the result is me running around pretending to be stock girl of the century. If I didn’t have those extra hours’ sleep last night, I’d be done for. As it is, I’ve had to pee for the past fifty minutes but haven’t had time.

It’s next on my list, right after I get more copies of the latest Disney DVD everyone’s been asking for back on the floor. I load another box of movies onto the cart and throw some bagged
candy on top for good measure. Last I looked, we were nearly out of gummies.

“Finn-oolala,” Kevin croons, striding up to me out of nowhere. “Where’ve you been all day? You trying to avoid me or something?”

You can take that as a given. “I’m busy, Kevin,” I snap. “Way too busy to worry about avoiding you. I gotta get this stuff on the shelves.”

Kevin grabs his chest like I’ve mortally wounded him. “You never have two minutes to talk to me. How’s that supposed to make me feel?” His Chiclet smile’s eating up half his face, so I guess he doesn’t feel too bad. Anyway, I don’t have time for this.

“Later, Kevin,” I say. I grab my cart and begin to steer it out of the stockroom.

“Come on now.” Kevin plants his hands on my shoulders from behind. I jump back as I swing around. “Relax,” he says, snatching his hands back. “What do you think I’m gonna do?”

“I’m going.” My words sound anorexic thin. I’m trembling like something newborn.

“You think I’m gonna kiss you or something?” he asks, taking a step towards me and leaning his head in near mine. His breath smells like sour milk and garlic, and he hasn’t stopped smiling. My chest’s thumping like a racehorse. My lungs won’t take in oxygen.

Suddenly my hand’s hurling towards him, slapping him across the face so hard that I can make out the angry red imprint of each of my fingers on his cheek.

His smile crashes. His left hand flies to his cheek. The red fades to pink as I watch, stunned. “You’re crazy,” he spews. “What was that?”

“Leave me alone.” This time my voice is pure rage. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”

I turn slowly back to my cart, breathing hard. Blood’s rushing through my arms and legs and I want to push Kevin’s Chiclet teeth in and run until I can’t take another step.

“You’re a fucking wack job,” Kevin says to my back.

“You got in my face,” I shout, winding my fingers around the cart’s handle to steady them.
“What was that?” Why
did he have to push me? What is it about me that makes these things happen?

I keep my eyes on my hands as I pull the cart forward. My head’s spinning and my stomach’s rolling over like it’s not attached to anything. I could be sick if I let myself. I could throw up in the stockroom and make the customer-service-booth girls call for cleanup. It’d give them something else to talk about—one more reason to think I’m freaky, because after Kevin leaves the stockroom you better believe he’ll be spreading the word to everyone.

“You’re crazy,” Kevin repeats, taking his hand away from his cheek. “I never even touched you. You think you can walk around slapping people in the face for nothing? That’s assault.”

“Why don’t you tell Suzanne then?” The tears well up in my throat and I hold them there, scared that once I start I won’t be able to stop. “And I’ll give her my version.” I’ll tell her that Kevin stands too close to all the girls and says something stupid nearly every day but that I was never afraid of him before. I’m not even sure I’m afraid of him now. My sleeves are long enough to hide the goosebumps on my arms, but I can feel them. I’m shaking too— angry, confused, and scared. Because what if Kevin’s right? What if I’m just crazy?

“Why are you doing this?” Kevin says incredulously. His hands are at his sides, palms forward, imploring.

“I’m just sick of your shit, Kevin.” I turn and face him. “If you try anything else, I’m going to Suzanne and Gerald.” I’m shivering, but I mean it.

I can’t go through all this again, but I know by the expression on Kevin’s face that I won’t have to. He doesn’t understand, but he believes me about telling. “I hear you,” he says in a low voice. “Just haul your crap outta here. I’ll put my hands behind my back and turn around. Will that make you happy?”

I tug my cart forward, wrestling with the weight of invisible tears. I walk as fast as I can so that all the customers and staff will know I don’t have time for them. Then Nishani passes, and I hand over the cart and shuffle along next to her. “Are you okay?” she asks.

“I had a fight with Kevin in the back,” I confess. “I have it under control.”

Nishani steers the cart around a woman with a stroller. “What’d he do now?”

I don’t know what he did; I just know what I did. “He’s an idiot,” I say with a shrug. The doubt’s deeper now that I’m out in the open, but if I explain I won’t be able to hold back the tears. “Typical Kevin.” Maybe he didn’t mean to scare me. Maybe I slapped him for nothing.

I don’t know what to believe.

“I’ll catch up with you,” I tell Nishani. “I need a pee break.”

I rush into the empty staff washroom and slam the stall door behind me. The tears are stuck halfway up my throat. They burn, but they won’t come out. Not even when I give them permission.

I pee and then wash my face and hands with sickly-sweet-smelling liquid soap. The person who looks back at me from the mirror is different than the one I saw this morning. I’ve never hit anyone before. I never even thought of fighting Adam. I was too scared to think.

I haven’t lost that fear. It’s in the room with me now, whispering things about Adam, Kevin, and me. I don’t know what to do.

The one thing I’m sure of is that I’m not sorry about Kevin. Maybe he was never really going to kiss me, but if I let him I’d feel worse. It’d be like living last September all over again.

And I can’t do that.

I wait, but the tears never come. In the end I wipe my face dry and go out to find Nishani. Kevin doesn’t come within ten feet of me for the rest of the day. In fact, he avoids most of the girls, and when I catch him glancing in my direction from the end of the action-figure aisle, he turns his head slowly away, giving me a clear view of his cheekbone. But there’s no point looking for traces of the red marks I left there. I already know I won’t find any.

Mom makes me carry the wine and hands Daniel her homemade mixed-pepper salad. That leaves her in charge of a bag of nachos and a jar of salsa. It’s a perfect day for a barbecue— white-hot and not a cloud in the sky—and Anna called this morning to remind us to bring our swimsuits. I’m already wearing my tankini top and black-and-red-striped bottom under my clothes, but I don’t intend to unveil them until I’m ready to get in the pool. My boobs may be small, but I don’t want them wobbling around for everyone to see.

It could be my imagination, but I think they’ve grown a little lately. Or maybe Mom’s just shrinking more of my clothes in the wash.

Daniel’s got his swimsuit on too. Mom’s wearing tiny sandals and a cotton wrap dress that comes down to her bare knees. She looks like a movie star going casual at the Cannes Film Festival, and today she’s not doing it for Dad. I smile proudly at her and catch a puzzled look darting out from behind her sunglasses.

“I haven’t been swimming in ages,” I tell her. “Not since last summer.”

“I go all the time,” Daniel brags from the backseat. I guarantee he’ll still be the first one in the pool—and the last to get out.

Mom’s not much of a swimmer. She does a very delicate breaststroke and keeps her head above water at all times. She’s so confident in most other things that it’s almost funny to watch, and I smile again at the thought of it.

“You’re all smiles today,” Mom observes, sweeping her fingers through her hair.

“It’s good to be off work.” I haven’t figured out how to deal with Kevin when I see him again. Anxiety wells up inside me, making my arms twinge.

Audrey said she was proud of me, even if I misjudged the situation. She wants me to call later tonight so we can talk it over properly. Maybe I’ll feel better afterwards. Maybe a day by the pool will help too—especially if Jersy’s not home.

I search for signs of his presence as Anna opens the front door. “Come on in,” she says with an energetic movement of her arm. She doesn’t look like somebody who’s especially worried about her absent daughter. She’s smiling and motioning us on towards the kitchen like life is an endless summer barbecue.

Mr. Mikulski’s sitting on a patio chair in the backyard, his sunglasses reflecting our image. “Gloria,” he says, pulling off his shades as he clasps her hand. “Good to see you.” He nods at Daniel and me. “You’ll have to reintroduce me to your youngest. He really takes after you these days.”

Daniel endures a formal introduction and then points eagerly at the pool. “Can we go in?”

“Daniel, we just got here,” Mom admonishes. “Have a seat.”

Mr. Mikulski smiles widely. “It’s fine. He can go in. I haven’t even started on the food yet.” Mr. Mikulski switches his gaze to me. “You too, feel free. Jersy will be down any minute.”

My stomach drops. “I’ll go in later.”

Daniel pulls off his T-shirt, tosses it at Mom, and dips his right foot in the pool. Satisfied, he plunges himself into the water. I turn impatiently back to Mom and Mr. Mikulski, who are complaining loudly about gas prices. The conversation’s so boring that it makes the suspense worse. “Back in a minute,” I tell Mom.

I rush into the kitchen, where Anna’s assembling plastic yellow glasses on a matching tray. “Is there anything I can do to help?” I ask. Where the hell’s Jersy? I just want to get this over with.

“Thank you, Finn,” Anna says graciously. “I was going to start with some lemonade and the nachos your mom brought. You can take that out for me.”

“Sure.” I watch Anna grab a pitcher of lemonade from the fridge and pour out five glasses. “Is Christina around today?” I ask, although I know better. Why can’t I leave things alone?

“No, she’s away with friends for another week.” Anna quick-scans the kitchen. “Where did I put that salsa?” We spot it next to the toaster at the exact same time. “Ah.” She scoops the salsa into a serving dish and empties the nachos into a bowl. “Perfect.”

Anna beams up at me as we load the tray. “I’m glad you could all come today. I’ve been meaning to see more of Gloria since we moved back, but we’ve both been so busy.”

Jersy strides into the kitchen just as I’m picking up the tray. He gives me an easy grin and says hi. For a second I think he’s going to lean over and kiss me on the cheek like we’re Europeans.

“Hi.” My face burns as I say it back. Of course he’s not going to kiss me. This isn’t Italy.

“Get the patio door for Finn,” Anna instructs, diving back into the fridge with the bottle of wine Mom brought.

Jersy grabs a pile of nachos from my tray as we edge towards the door. He drops them in his mouth and crunches away.

“I didn’t think you’d be here,” I tell him.

“You never think I’m going to be here,” he points out. “This is where I live.”

Between work, partying with friends, and riding his dirt bike, there are probably twenty minutes of non-sleeping time left in his day. “I just didn’t get the impression you were around much.” I’d shrug, but I have the tray in my hands.

Jersy slides the patio door open for me and watches me step outside. I hand out the drinks like a cocktail waitress and set the salsa and nachos down on the table. On my way back in with the tray, I pass Anna coming out with a plate of shrimp. If we’re not careful, we’ll all bloat up before the main meal.

I put the tray on the counter and take in Jersy standing in front of the open fridge. “I called my dad,” I announce. “I’m seeing him next week.”

“How was it?” He turns to look at me.

“Sucky It’s like it’s never going to be any better.” I lower my voice. “He says he’s probably going to get his own place, but I don’t think he’s told my mom that yet.” Jersy scratches his head vacantly. He’s probably sick to death of hearing about my parents’ separation. He only came over last time because he was worried about his sister. “So what’d you do last night?” I ask, abruptly changing my tone. “Or do you even remember?”

Jersy rolls his eyes, exactly the same way my brother does when I piss him off. It makes me feel old. “If we were together you’d be ragging on me about that all the time, wouldn’t you? You’d be one
of those girls who’s always texting her boyfriend to check up on what he’s doing.”

No, I wouldn’t. I want to tell him that I wouldn’t be his girlfriend in the first place, but I don’t. I get real quiet there in the kitchen, and then I start thinking maybe it’s better to go outside and be with everyone else because with him, I’m lost.

“I talked to Christina a couple days ago,” he says, tucking his hands into his armpits. “She thinks she’s going to come back next week.”

“That’s good,” I tell him. “Does that mean you can relax?”

“I guess.” His head tips to the right as he looks at me. “What about you? How do we get you to relax?”

I remember the smell of his sweatshirt and how I pressed my face into his neck like a kitten. It’s the best thing that’s happened this summer, and it’s horrible. “Pharmaceuticals,” I joke. Then I shake my head at him. “Nope, I forgot. I’m the control-freak type.”

“You are, you know,” Jersy says, but he’s smiling.

I’m not in control of a single thing.

“You coming out to the pool?” He cocks his head.

“Yup.” I go outside with him and peel off my shorts and T-shirt as unobtrusively as I can. Once I’m in my swimsuit, I don’t waste a second getting into the pool. I make a clean dive into the deep end and watch Daniel try to impress Jersy with his own Aquaman routine. I want to tell the kid not to knock himself out, that he’ll never be able to outdo Jersy, but I’m having too much fun watching him try. Mr. Mikulski comes in and does lengths. After a long while Anna and Mom ease themselves into the pool and Mr. Mikulski climbs out to start the food. “Sausages or burgers?” he shouts.