One Lonely Degree (26 page)

“Yeah,” he says with a massive yawn. “Me too.”

“I’ll drive you home,” I offer. Whoa. Completely spontaneous. I didn’t see that one coming.

“You’re not even sixteen yet.” Jersy’s eyes pop open, and the fact that it’s so easy for me to surprise him makes me want to fling my arms around him.

“No one will know,” I tell him. “Your house is like two minutes away.” I’m not especially worried about getting caught. Mom would consider this normal teenage behavior. She’d pretend to disapprove, but I bet she’d almost be proud.

“Exactly.” Jersy scratches at his brown knee. “And I have my board.”

“You worried I’m going to get us killed?”

Jersy munches on his grin as he sits back on his elbows. “I’m not worried,” he says. “It’s cool.” His gaze rushes up to meet mine.

“But if you change your mind, I got my G1 two weeks ago, so I’m good to step in.” Technically a G1 means he has to spend the next eight months at the wheel with a licensed driver next to him. Last time I looked, I’d had one brief illegal lesson in a school parking lot, but I wasn’t about to change my mind.

“You won’t have to,” I tell him, standing up and heading for the hall.

“Okay then,” Jersy says. “At least bring the dog for company on the way home in case the car breaks down or something, okay?”

I’m pretty sure the car won’t break down in the short time it takes me to drive back, but it’s another one of those things that make me want to kiss him, so I agree. I grab Mom’s keys from the hook in the front hall, and the three of us head into the yard. Getting Mom’s Mazda out of the garage is the hardest part of the operation. After that I’m cruising no problem.

I shift into park in front of Jersy’s house, and he says, “Not bad. You really only had one lesson?”

“Yup.” I nod and look over at him, feeling my whole body tickle in the darkness.

“You’re a natural.” He stares out the window and back at me. “Tonight was cool.”

“Yeah. Weird but good.” Is this the part where we’re supposed to kiss goodbye? I stare at his lips and plant my hands on the steering wheel.

“The gray area’s always weird,” Jersy says, his hand on the door handle. “We should do this again sometime during the week.” He runs his other hand swiftly over his head and swings the door open. “Call me, okay? We’ll set something up.”

“Wait!” I call.

Jersy turns in his seat. I lean over and kiss him fast on the mouth. Our tongues glide together as his hand cups the back of
my head. I could do this forever. I press my hands against his chest and kiss his chin. He squeezes my thigh and slides his mouth back against mine. We push back and forth, taking it deeper, and I slip my hands up inside his T-shirt and feel him tremble. “You should get home,” he says, pulling back. Beads of sweat dot his forehead. He wipes them off with the back of his hand and steps onto the grass. I smile again as I hear it squelch underneath his feet. I must be setting some kind of personal record for corny grins.

“Be careful,” he says, staring down into the car.

“You too,” I tell him. Given the context, it doesn’t make much sense, but Jersy nods anyway.

I drive slowly off into the night, Samsam pressing his nose into the air from the back window—totally in the moment. Tonight I know just how he feels.

MY
e-ma
ILS TO
Audrey are full of holes. No mention of Jersy coming over on Saturday night, his plan to call in sick on my day off so we can spend it together, or of me hijacking Mom’s car for my own evil purposes. As far as she knows, I’m expending all my energy lugging around toys and fighting with my parents. I’m such a traitor that a brick settles into my stomach every time I sit down to write her. You’d think that would make me change course or at least own up to what’s going on, but I don’t want to do either of those things.

I can hardly believe it myself. How can I be so selfish?

The excitement and guilt battle it out daily, threatening to crack me down the middle. One evening I can hardly stand it and almost confess to Mom over dinner. Another afternoon I get within an inch of telling Nishani during break. For a couple seconds I even consider spilling it to Courtney at the customer service booth.

Then Thursday, my day off, hits and I still haven’t told a soul.

Jersy said he wants to sleep late and that I should come over around noon. I’m supposed to bring my swimsuit. Samsam is optional, and this time I decide to leave him at home. If this thing with Jersy is really going to happen, we have to be alone sometime.

I put a two-piece on under my clothes and walk over to his house. I’m not nervous, just buzzed, and when I get there the doorbell seems to ring forever. I jump when Christina appears in the doorway. “Hey,” I say breathlessly. “You’re back.” I feel weirdly close to her since Jersy confided in me. I’m so glad to see her that it’s an effort not to smile too wide.

“Yeah.” Her unpainted fingernails lose themselves in her white-blond hair. “Mini-vacation.”

“I should take one of those.” Jersy must be relieved to have her back too. It’s weird how you spend more time thinking about someone when they’re not around. I guess it fills the space.

“Start now,” Christina advises, standing aside to let me pass. “They’re on the back patio.”

“They?”

“Billy and my friend Nikki,” she elaborates. “We’re about to barbecue—you like chicken burgers? That’s all that’s left in the freezer.”

I nod, feeling dazed. I had the idea Jersy and I would be alone. Now it seems like a pool party. “Hey,” Billy calls as I step into the backyard. “How’s it going, Finn?” He’s wearing dark brown shorts, no shirt, and gulping back a beer.

“Hey, Billy,” I say, scoping wildly around for Jersy. He’s pulling himself out of the pool, walking swiftly towards me, looking too incredible for words.

“Hey,” Jersy says, catching me around the waist. No mis taking where we stand now. Everyone here will know. “How’re you doing?”

“Great,” I tell him.
A little, uh, surprised
.

He points to the girl next to the barbecue. “This is Christina’s friend Nikki.”

“Hi,” she says, smiling. She’s wearing a white tank top with a denim miniskirt and is nearly as tall as me.

“Hi,” I say back.

“I hope you didn’t eat,” Jersy says. “We’re making chicken burgers and salad.”

“Christina told me.” He could’ve mentioned it before.

“Right.” Jersy takes a sweeping look around the patio and motions for me to follow him inside. Once we’re there, he leans against the counter and says, “Billy’s air conditioner broke down. He’s leaving in a couple hours.”

I nod patiently, which is a complete lie. Two hours is forever. “I didn’t know Christina was back.”

“Yeah, just got in last night,” he says cheerfully. “Nikki drove her.” I’m full of questions, but I don’t ask them. I stand in the kitchen across from him, listening to the laughter spill in from outside. “Come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and guiding me back through the open sliding door. “I’m starving.”

Soon Nikki, Christina, and I are in the pool. I catch Jersy checking me out from the barbecue and feel self-conscious in my two-piece. Billy offers me a beer when I climb out, and my face warms up as I will him not to look at me. “No thanks,” I tell him. “I hate beer.” My last taste was ten months ago. I don’t need another.

Billy makes a face like I’m loco, and Jersy comes over and hands me a Coke. “Thanks,” I tell him. I grab a seat and pull my T-shirt over my bikini.

The five of us eat and then Christina, Nikki, and I do the cleanup. Billy takes off while we’re finishing up, and Jersy sits at
the kitchen table, refusing to help because he cooked the burgers in the first place. I stay out of it and let him and Christina argue. I’ve never heard them fight before, but once they get going they sound just like every other brother and sister. Christina points out that she made the salad, and Jersy says all she had to do was tear open the bag and sprinkle on some croutons and, anyway, there are already more than enough people to do a few dishes.

By the time they quit arguing, everything’s done and Christina and Nikki go back out to the pool. I sit down next to Jersy, and he drums his fingers on the table and asks if I want to hang out upstairs. “Sure,” I tell him, my voice husky.

I follow him up and eyeball the half-eaten bowl of cornflakes on his dresser. Aside from breakfast his room is surprisingly neat for a change. Jersy moves to close the door behind me, then changes his mind and leaves it open a crack. “Do you have an elastic or something?” I ask. “For my hair?” It’s frizzing up like a tennis ball as we speak.

He ransacks his desk and pulls out the world’s biggest rubber band. “Thanks,” I tell him, twisting it hastily around my hair to form a ponytail. My fingers are clumsy with excitement. We’re finally alone again.

Jersy plops down onto his bed in his swimsuit. I sit on the chair across from him in my T-shirt and bikini bottoms, determined not to shiver. “You’re a good swimmer,” he says.

“Thanks. I didn’t know there were going to be so many people around.”

“Me neither. But then we’re not really in a hurry to be alone, right?” It’s a funny thing to say with his bedroom door all but closed and the house empty—but he sounds serious. “There’s the whole gray-area thing.” Jersy stares at me, his hands on his knees. “Have you said anything to Audrey?”

My jaw drops at the sound of her name. What kind of friend am I? “No.” I wrap my shaking fingers around my ponytail. “Have you?” I already know he hasn’t. She would’ve said something.

“No. But I think we should.”

“She’s my best friend,” I say in a low voice. “What am I supposed to tell her? That the minute she was out of the picture I swept in and stole you?” I can’t do that. I’m crazy to be here. Whatever this is, it can’t go anywhere. I’ve been in denial since the barbecue—even before that.

“You didn’t steal me,” Jersy says indignantly. “This isn’t anybody’s fault.”

Of course it is. “This is so shitty.” I bite my lip hard. The words aren’t strong enough, but anything I can think to say is an understatement.

Jersy reads the feelings in my face and takes a long breath. “We can wish it happened differently all we want, but that won’t change anything, Finn.” His little finger bends as he says my name. “Audrey’s great, she is, but it’s not like being with you.” He studies his kneecaps. “There’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Nothing serious has happened between us,” I tell him. “We can still stop this.”

“You can stop if you want.” Jersy’s chin drops. “I’m still breaking up with her.” He stares boldly into my eyes, waiting for me to contradict him. Then he lies back on the bed and squeezes his eyelids shut. “This is fucked already, and we haven’t even started.”

I stare at him and feel a shiver tear through me. I don’t want to stop before we’ve started. I want the chance to find out what this could be—even if it doesn’t last past summer. “Maybe it’s better. We never have to screw it up.”

Jersy groans across from me. “That’s such bullshit, Finn. Don’t even, okay?”

It’s bullshit, he’s right. It’s not better; it’s just sad. I bow my head and think of Audrey. She trusts me like a sister, and I like him so much. “She’s my best friend,” I repeat. “I can’t do this, Jersy.”

For a while he just lies there, gritting his teeth, and when he finally says “Okay,” it’s one of the saddest sounds I’ve ever heard. He sits up, his eyes back on me, and I cross over to the bed and sit next to him. My legs feel wobbly and I’m shivering like crazy. Jersy rests his hand on my thigh and leans his head in near mine. He’s waiting for me to make the next move, and I do. It’s like I don’t even have to think about it. Before I know it my lips smack into his and then his hand’s fitting itself around my ponytail, pressing against my back, stroking my arm.

We lie down together and then I’m shivering more. My hands are on his skin, gliding up and down his back. Our tongues swirl slowly around each other. I want to lick his neck and his ears and slide my finger over his lips. I want to whisper things in my new secret voice.

Jersy slides on top of me and kisses my neck. He fiddles with my T-shirt like it’s in the way, and I yank it over my head, feeling brave and wild. Jersy stares at my bikini top and kisses the exposed skin between my breasts. Then our mouths connect again and he’s pushing down on me, stealing my breath, wanting something else. I slow down, trying to get back to where we were just a few seconds ago, but I can’t. That place is gone.

I tug my mouth away and say his name. He stops instantly, his face crumpling. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“Yeah.” I hide my eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It just felt like too much suddenly. I’m sorry.” I hate that I’m embarrassed.

Jersy rolls off me and touches my shoulder. “Don’t say that. It’s okay.” He lies next to me, only our arms touching. “I don’t even
know what Adam did to you and I want to kill him,” he says quietly. “I should’ve known. Whenever he was around—”

“I don’t want to talk about him, okay?” I roll over on my side towards him. My head lands on his chest, and next thing I know we’re lying like puppies, all curved into each other, almost airtight. Jersy pulls the blanket over us and hugs me close. We’re hushed and warm and I could stay here forever, my left leg caught between his and our arms snugly around each other. “You’re falling asleep, aren’t you?” I whisper.