Authors: B. J. Novak
One More Thing (11 page)
I said that, okay, now she had definitely said her one more
thing. I thought this would make her laugh. It didn’t. “Stay!” she screamed. “Stay here, please, just for a minute longer. Stay! Stay!” Her eloquence, so impressive to me before, was gone, and yet now she seemed even more impressive, even more real. “I can’t even handle love, there’s no way I can handle it being taken away. I won’t survive it. Please. Please. Please!”
I said that I had something to say to her, which made her listen in a way that she didn’t when I simply said things without the preface. Even though the preface meant nothing, it calmed her, just as it calmed real people, for the same no-reason.
I told her what people tell people. That this was what it felt like when love was taken away—but that it wasn’t the truth, it was just a feeling. It would pass. It would take time. She would recharge.
She didn’t believe me.
No one ever believes it, I said. That’s part of what the feeling is.
She nodded. I let her hug me, and I hugged her back. As I did, I thought about the things she had said, and which version of perfect she was closer to. I already missed her. I missed the smell of her hair, which I had picked out, and the way that she cried, which I hadn’t.
“You’ll be okay,” I said.
“I won’t,” she said.
She believed what she was saying more than I believed what I was saying, which wouldn’t have mattered if she were like everyone else who had ever been in love.
The off switch on a human is a messy and difficult thing to access. Millions of years’ worth of error and trial have carved out obstacles in every direction, enough so that only a relative few are able to make a deliberate journey all the way to the brink
of nothingness and still arrive carrying all the same thoughts as when they set out.
This was not the case for Sophia. Between thought and expression there was no evolved space, no natural boundary. No cliff, no concrete, no water; no wound; no knot; no cough; no blade, no blood. Just a switch like a light in a kitchen.
An unanticipated shortcoming of design relevant only in the case of this one unanticipated circumstance, said the statement from Practical Concepts. Something that would be corrected in subsequent editions, said the statement from Practical Concepts.
That’s probably as much as I should say about Practical Concepts for the time being.
The third fantasy comes at night. At first it came only in dreams, but now, often, I dream it instead of sleep.
I pick up the phone, and it’s a scientist, someone I’ve never met, and he’s out of breath with excitement. He talks so fast I can’t understand him at first. When he slows down, and it starts to be clear what he’s saying, I ask him if he’s saying what I think he’s saying, and he says yes, but it’s still not clear for some reason, and I keep asking him again, and he says yes, again, more clearly, more bluntly each time until it’s finally the truth, unmistakable. We figured it out, he says. We can make everything what it was, now that you understand the significance of everything that happened.
And then they put her on the phone, and she says one more thing.
The Comedy Central Roast of Nelson MandelaThe following is a transcript of excerpts from the unaired 2012 special
The Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela.
There is currently no broadcast date for this special
.
ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to the
Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela
! With Jeffrey Ross! Lisa Lampanelli! Archbishop Desmond Tutu! Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan! Winnie Mandela! Sisqo! Anthony Jeselnik! Pauly D! Former South African prime minister F. W. de Klerk! Sarah Silverman! A special appearance by His Holiness the Dalai Lama! And Gilbert Gottfried! And now, ladies and gentlemen, the “Roastmaster General” himself, JEFFREY ROSS!
Jeffrey Ross enters dressed as Honey Boo Boo Child. He turns slowly to reveal his costume. He receives a standing ovation
.
JEFFREY ROSS:
What an honor to be here roasting President Nelson Mandela.
(Applause)
President Mandela, you’re a good sport, thank you for agreeing to be here. All proceeds tonight go to the Nelson Mandela Foundation, which fights poverty in
Africa. (
Applause)
Poverty in Africa—I have a feeling your charity is going to be around for quite a while, President Mandela. (
Applause)
President Mandela, you took one of the most unjust nations on earth and made it what it is today: one of the most violent nations on earth. (
Laughter)
I’m not saying life is cheap in Africa, but when they make movies over there? They use blood as fake ketchup. (
Laughter)
And the stars really came out for you, President Mandela. Nobel Peace Prize winner F. W. de Klerk is here, everybody. Of course the “F. W.” stands for “Fucking
Who
?”
(Laughter, de Klerk nods politely)
F. W. de Klerk is the man who co-orchestrated the transition from apartheid rule to an era of democracy. Dr. de Klerk, you’ve somehow accomplished the impossible: you’ve made more black men happy than Lisa Lampanelli.
Lisa Lampanelli stands and makes an obscene gesture toward Archbishop Desmond Tutu. She receives a standing ovation
.
JEFFREY ROSS:
But we’re not here to talk about Lisa Lampanelli’s enormous vagina. We’re here to honor a great man, President Nelson Mandela. (
Applause)
President Mandela, you spent eighteen of your twenty-seven years in prison on notorious Robben Island, working on a limestone quarry.
(Mandela nods)
So in addition to bringing democracy to South Africa, you’re also responsible for some of the tackiest kitchen counters of all time.
(Laughter)
President Mandela, every time Charlie Sheen bangs some hooker on his kitchen counter, you are a small but important part of why it looks so goddamn disgusting.
Applause. Camera cuts to Charlie Sheen, in the audience, who squints and makes an “angry” face; Sheen then laughs and shakes his head—Naw, just kidding!
JEFFREY ROSS:
And now, it is my pleasure to introduce a man known by millions and admired by none. A lot of people will accuse us of setting him up to fail tonight, but I strongly disagree—this man needs
no
help failing. Ladies and gentlemen, from
Jersey Shore
and your local Planned Parenthood Express Line, Pauly D!
A visibly nervous Pauly D takes the podium
.
PAULY D:
Nelson, you are the first president of South Africa ever to be elected in a fully representative democratic election. I just gotta ask: did they elect that shirt? (
Silence, boos, Pauly D immediately starts to sweat
) Nelson, you’re a great man. You showed the world that black and white
can
live together. (
Pauly D pauses for applause, of which there is none)
Along with gray—what’s with your hair?
JEFFREY ROSS:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a man whose name I never pronounce correctly because he doesn’t deserve my respect, Anthony Jeselnik.
ANTHONY JESELNIK:
Thank you. Poor Jeff Ross—too ugly to come dressed as Honey Boo Boo Child, too fat to come dressed as her mother. (
Laughter; Mandela smiles politely)
President Mandela, I read that the reason you and your best friend left your small hometown for Johannesburg at age sixteen was to avoid an arranged marriage. (
Mandela nods)
So with all due respect to F. W. de Klerk: shouldn’t you be sharing your Nobel Peace Prize with this chick who was so hideous that she caused you to jump on a train for a thousand miles to avoid banging her?
(Applause)
But President Mandela isn’t the only Nobel laureate here—Archbishop Desmond Tutu is here. Yeah. Yeah.
(Applause)
Archbishop Tutu, in 2007 you convened a group with President Mandela, Kofi Annan, and others so that you
could contribute your wisdom and leadership to tackling the world’s toughest problems. You named yourselves the Elders—sometimes referred to in the media as “The Council of Elders.”
(Mandela nods)
Some of you in the audience may know the group by its other name—“Lisa Lampanelli’s Dream Gang Bang.”
Lisa Lampanelli laughs so hard she falls out of her chair, picks herself back up, and waves to the crowd, receiving a standing ovation
.
JEFFREY ROSS:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a living legend, Sarah Silverman.
SARAH SILVERMAN:
Wow. So cool to be here! Wow! Ladysmith Black Mambazo is in the audience tonight. Guys, loved your last album. Loved it! You can really hear the Paul Simon influence.
(Applause)
President Mandela, you single-handedly and irreversibly changed the destinies of millions of South Africans. Of course, I’m talking about your failure to speak up about the AIDS crisis.
(“Ohhhhs”)
What’d I say? Archbishop Desmond Tutu is here. Archbishop Tutu, it’s funny that you’re a bishop, because in the international community’s approach toward poverty, aid, and economic relations, I’ve always thought of you as more of a pawn.
(“Ohhhhs”)
What’d I say? What’d I say?
JEFFREY ROSS:
If our next roaster sang, the night would be over. But she’s not here to sing, she’s here to roast Nelson Mandela. Now, look out, Nelson: here comes the Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli!
LISA LAMPANELLI:
Whoa! Look at all these hot black men!
(Applause and “wooos”)
You got Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the audience, you got Wayne Brady, Kofi Annan, Sisqo, Snoop Dogg, Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan, Archbishop Tutu—I feel like I’ve died and gone to fat-white-bitch heaven! Oh wait, except I can’t die up here—Pauly D already did that.
“Oooooohs” from the crowd. Pauly D blocks his expression of hurt with a fist, then “blows” the side of his hand so that a middle finger “inflates” toward Lisa Lampanelli; but he does this too slowly, and the camera cuts away mid-inflate. Nelson Mandela smiles politely
.
ANNOUNCER:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a special video message from His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
A video screen lowers
.
DALAI LAMA
(on video)
: Hello, President Mandela or, as I call you, Mandiba. I am sorry I cannot be there with you on this happy occasion. Also, I want to apologize that I missed seeing you at Desmond’s eightieth birthday party last year. I know the press reported that my visa had not been approved due to pressure from the Chinese government. But the real reason was I do not like your cooking!
Mandela laughs warmly
.
DALAI LAMA:
Remember, in life, the key to happiness is always to free the spirit …
Music cue as the Dalai Lama’s voice fades out. Chyron scroll: “For more exclusive wisdom from His Holiness the Dalai Lama and other hilarious moments cut from the broadcast, follow us online at mandelaroast.com!”
JEFFREY ROSS:
Ladies and gentlemen, a living legend, one of the great men of all time, Gilbert Gottfried.
Sustained standing ovation
.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED:
NELSON MANDELA IS ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY.
(Applause)
AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE FOURTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE TWELFTH CENTURY AND OF THE ELEVENTH CENTURY. NELSON, LOOK AT YOU, HOW OLD ARE YOU? NELSON MANDELA IS SO OLD, HE HATES HIS PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE BECAUSE HE STILL CAN’T GET USED TO THE WHEELS! NELSON MANDELA IS ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE TENTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE NINTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE EIGHTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE SEVENTH CENTURY—
JEFFREY ROSS:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, a living legend, President Nelson Mandela!
A standing ovation almost as long as the one for Gilbert Gottfried
.
PRESIDENT NELSON MANDELA:
Thank you. The day I was released from prison, I said that any man that tries to rob me of my dignity will lose.
(Applause)
After tonight, I think it is fair for me to add Lisa Lampanelli to that list of men.
(Laughter)
You know, when I accepted my Nobel Peace Prize, I said that nothing bothered me more deeply than man’s injustice to his fellow man. However, this was before I heard the sound of Gilbert Gottfried’s voice.
(Laughter as Mandela playfully covers his ears)
Now, let me tease myself first, for I did not know exactly what this event would entail. I was informed that the Nelson Mandela Foundation would receive a sum of money and that comedians would poke fun at me on television. So, because I am the one who is learning from you, let me ask you all one humble question.
Poverty, injustice, and violence are among the greatest challenges to human dignity. But if we escape them, we then face a greater, and more beautiful, challenge: the challenge of freedom.
