One Split Second (35 page)

Well, mum had brought loads of things, and one of them was a singing Santa, a little xmas tree, Santa hat and hair band antlers for the staff to wear, as well as getting nearly ALL the presents I wanted and even the diet ‘kick’ drink that I like, Yes! Mum and I had a great afternoon and mum excelled herself. We went through the presents and wrapped the ones we needed to, and spent ages getting addresses from just about everyone in the family… I’m useless, I had no-ones address!

Crusty arrived about half 4, because he wanted to get back before it got too dark. It was horrible having to say goodbye. I love mum so much, and I am going to miss her like crazy, especially over xmas, plus she is upset about me being on my own, but I assured her I had everything I needed and more, and if there was any way I could transport the bed and specialised staff from the hospital to the Fort I would. Mum left with Rusty and we said our goodbyes and I ask Rusty to be careful driving because he had a very precious and special passenger on board!

Casey phoned back for a ‘short call’ to say that she had written a letter to her dad, and that she agreed with granny that it was a good way of expressing herself… she read the letter to me, and it was very appropriate and beautifully written, she has a knack. We said, our goodbyes and love and hugs. I had 13p left on my phone so I txtd Marie to let her know that I had had a great visit with mum and to thank her again for the shopping she had helped buy as well. Oh, by the way, I got my first present from Duncan’s wife, and I knew straight away that it was alcohol, because she snuck it into Duncan’s top drawer and said it would be something to warm me up at Christmas… . and it definitely wasn’t a hot water bottle! Oh, dear… I’ve got to say, my eyes lit up at that revelation and I felt ‘bad’ about that! You’ve gotta believe me, I did?? not!

Oh, another thing about today, the Americans have found Saddam Hussein somewhere in Baghdad, and the guy looked more like some old tramp than a world leader, poor bastard!

Well, I haven’t spoken to anyone tonight (phone wise), and I am actually comfortable. No pain in my tooth or back at moment, and I had a really good day with mum, and I know Casey is ok! I’m just gonna take `time out` and watch a film… I’m just thinking what a nice change. When was the last time I wrote in my book that, I have even been ‘close’ to being comfortable? Have I ever written it? I hope I feel like this when the kids come up.

Just an update on this really active ward… well, Duncan… the old codger has spend all afternoon and tonight sleeping—he woke up for a cup of tea and his tea tonight and is sleeping again.

Jim is in his corner, with his brace round his neck which gets all discoloured because of his dribbling and it’s gross, and he’s been facing his telly all day and had all his liquidised meals through his drip. Actually, I wonder if that would work for me. Instead of having to have ‘One Shake a Day’, I could have e.g. Liquidised Lasagne through a drip. Maybe, I will suggest it? He’s also has been gargling away today, and he was moving slightly when one of the nurses had to tidy him up, it was very weird, because, these friggin curtains… you can hear everything through them! That makes me think about the docs… they almost break a leg trying to close the curtains for some privacy, and then they go and talk at the top of their bloody voices!!

Spoke to Sam’s wife and daughter tonight. They are lovely people. They said Sam’s accident had been in July and it was some kind of industrial accident, and that he has been in his present state for months. He is also very intelligent. I said I could believe that, because his mind seems preoccupied with counting and his brain is being kept active. Oh fuck, what do I know! Out of politeness probably, they agreed. He has two grown up sons, who always look deflated, and when I did speak to one of them, he said that it is just sheer frustration and the feeling of helplessness that gets to them most, and of course, they worry for their mother. They seem a very close family, and as my mum would say, `I will remember him in my prayers`. Talking of which, I DO say my prayers, and that’s the truth… there is a ‘solace’ that can be achieved by praying, so to make it easy tonight I am praying for EVERYONE! to have a good night and wake up… yeah, ‘wake up’ is good?

CHRISTMAS DAY
Friday 25th December
 

So, here I am on Cristmas Day and for the first time that I can EVER remember I am spending it on my OWN, but with more people than I ever have! . . . More people than ever, because I’m in hospital, BUT, more alone than ever. Still, after you read this part of my book, you may understand why I am thankful to be alive, yet again…

Oh yeah, since my last piece of writing, which was, Sunday 14th December, I have been through an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, again, because as I recall, this also happened once before, after my accident.

On that Sunday, 14th December, when mum and I had such a lovely time, when we wrapped presents, wrote cards, mum had bought presents for the staff, spoken to Casey and then went off home, safely with Crusty, a trusted taximan.( who sounds more like a trusty steed!), I actually was feeling the most positive I ever had since being in hospital. I wasn’t as sore as usual, felt relaxed and I was looking forward to the next day and christmas. Then, it was obviously the proverbial ‘lull’ before the ‘storm’ and I had been sucked into a real ‘false’ sense of security…

Sunday 14th December, after a wonderful day with my mum, about 3.30 am I woke up with severe tummy pains, aching collar bone and arms. I can remember feeling awful and waking up thinking I was having a nightmare, but it was one of those nightmares, where you believe you’re awake and consciously try to get back to sleep; what I didn’t realise was that I wasn’t dreaming, it was for real. The nurse helped me, by getting a sick bowl and giving me some paracetamol, then helped me get comfortable and I managed to fall back to sleep. I thought nothing more of it until in the afternoon, when I started to feel very sore, weak, and dizzy and had to ask one of the nurses for help. Well, the next thing, I was trying to tell the nurse that I was ok and not to fuss. Then the last think I can remember was seeing a mist, then, all these doctors coming through the curtains one after the other, then tubes, scanners, needles, legs and arms everywhere, and virtually everything on my body being pulled and proded—what I, obviously, didn’t realise was that I was
seriously ill
!

They had to put, what they called a ‘central line’,(which sounds more like a friggin underground tube route), into my jugular, and then I was taken to Intensive Care by an in-house ambulance, because it was in a different part of the hospital. The whole escapade was scary, especially, when I suddenly realised that it WAS real and not one of my hallucinogenic nightmares. Everyone, and everything, around me became ‘blurred’, and the whole episode, reminded me of when I first had my accident, and wasn’t certain what was going on around me, when I had, eventually, woken up. My mum and family, i.e. Barry and the kids, had to be told.

When I regained consciousness (or so it seemed), in Intensive Care, I thought what a horrible place it was. It was like a large, dark bleak warehouse, with lots of open space, and loads of machinery and nurses fussing. I’m not sure how long I was there, but I couldn’t define whether it was day or night, and wasn’t even sure if there were any windows in the place. There didn’t appear to be any natural light whatsoever!! Dont ask, even I dont know… it was all very confusing. I had obviously been transferred to this department where they had taken care of me… at the time I didn’t realise it was intensive care and to be very honest, in my `very warped` mindset, it felt like what can only be described as the inside of a morgue… or at least, how I would imagine it.

There were about 4 nurses that I could see, and the nurses station was right next to the bed. It was hard to tell what was happening, it was as if the conscious side of my brain was fighting against my sub-conscious and I couldn’t distinguish what was real and what wasn’t. I wanted to believe the nurses were asking me for a cup of tea, but I wasn’t sure, then they were telling me that my friend Simon had been to the ward, and left a present for me, and to tell me that he would be in sometime after Christmas. It was after them telling me about Simon, that I realised I was awake and that this was real; if I had missed Mr MacKenzies visit then I realised that something definitely wasn’t right… not to have woken up for that! I asked the nurses how bad it was, and they told me that I was over the worst, but that they were keeping me in for observations. Apparently, on the Monday afternoon when the last thing I could remember was the doctors and nurses fussing, I had been rushed to Intensive Care with suspected near kidney failure; there was some damage sustained to the liver, but thankfully, there was enough strong healthy tissue to help. I had caught Septicaemia, which is an infection of the blood which develops in a wound, and there was an intense volume of bacteria located in the abdomen. My God, I knew I wasn’t feeling well, but I hadnt expected that. The nurse said that I had been with them since that Monday 16th Dec, and it was now Friday 20th December!!! Jesus, that’s scary!

The next thing I knew I was being whisked away from intensive care in an ambulance to the maxillo-facial department (dentist), in other words, to get my bloody tooth out! I couldn’t believe it! they were actually going to subject me to another flippin ordeal… they did it though… my mouth was bloody sore, sore, painfully, painfully, sore and I felt the whole damn thing, right down to the nerve. I was shaking with the pain, whilst the dentist’s assistant was helping me wash out my bloody mouth, then before I left the they gave me some painkillers… I needed STRONG ones, ones that could knock me out!!

Oh, no, I felt awful and I had the kids arriving on Sunday. Thanks God, your timings CRAP! (I hope Mary ends up having to have a natural birth, with NO GAS, PETHIDENE, EPIDURAL OR CAESAREAN SECTION!!) available!!! . . . . OR MIRACLES!!!

When I got back to the ward, travelling in style again, in an in-house ambulance; just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse… it did. There was a black, foreign, doctor waiting for me, and I didn’t want any `foreign`, pidgeon-english, black man touching me! My God, those bastarding turks had done a good job on me hating all black foreign guys! Anyway, I calmed down, and it turned out he was there to take my coil out, so I didn’t complain, because I had been through so much anyway, what was gonna be so difficult about opening my legs for a black foreign guy, they had been `forced` once, so at least this time it was with my consent. My God, that was soo crude, but that’s the way I felt… all my dignity had gone out the window. He was actually very gentle and it was over in no time, and I can honestly say, I have never been so happy to see my little bed space waiting for me… it was like coming home after some horrendous, treacherous escapade!

The nurses got me some tea and biscuits, and after that I fell asleep. I wanted to blot out everything that had happened, at least for a couple of hours, to regain some energy for the time with my children. When I woke up it was after teatime, and they had kept me something, but it was a bit crazy giving me biscuits, as I couldn’t eat anything anyway, because of my swollen mouth. Thankfully, the pain had subsided, so the painkillers were obviously working, but my head was ‘whoosey’ (if that’s a word)! It was difficult enough trying to regain my strength and health, without having to ply so much energy into pretending I was OK. I was going to have to be so brave and strong for the kids. The children were arriving on the Sunday 21st, so I tried to ‘recuperate’ on the Saturday, and I must say the staff were superb. I got hot drinks, soup on tap, and just watched telly, and did my usual amount of complaining… talking of complaining, I missed Duncan who had already left to go to Oban to spend Christmas with his family and I hadn’t said goodbye, aah! I contemplated if I should try that little `nip` in the top drawer, but decided against it, and put it right to the back.

On the Sunday I was so excited, waiting to see Barry and the kids, but I wished I had felt better. It was mum’s last visit until Christmas and she wanted it to coincide with Barry and the kids arriving. Mum and Paula got there first. Unfortunately, my ‘disability’, the name which I hate, and something that I am having to come to terms with, did not stop me and Paula disagreeing and arguing. It was over how much the family helps to ensure the children get up here to see me… I said that the family had promised that they would do as much as they could to help out with transport and accommodation, and when Barry was trying to organise the kids to come up in the October week, the family were unable to help, and I just said that it would have been good if maybe the family had been a little bit more helpful’, and she retorted…”its alright for you to lie there, while we do all the running about that you don’t see”—unfortunate choice of words Paula!!! I actually think it was more scathing than that, if my memory serves me correctly, but that was the gist of it. It was a horrible wicked remark and I’m afraid it hurt, because for obvious reasons, I have to be here and I do not need it thrown in my face or be reminded of it—especially by someone in my own family who I love! Well, mum cautioned us both, and we were told to ‘stop it’!, which we did, and just in time as well, because Barry and the kids arrived, and it was so so great to see them. The kids looked all grown up, and I could have hugged them forever.

We all chatted, and the kids argued who could sit on the bed, or on the big corner chair… then mum made an extra fuss of the kiddies, and gave them their Christmas presents from her, and they were delighted. Margaret `darling` was on duty, and she went ahead and made tea and coffee with biccies, for all of us. Mum also, made a fuss of Margaret, which she loved. By this time, me and Paula, had agreed to disagree to keep the peace. After about an hour or so, mum and Paula decided to leave because they wanted to get home in the light, so I said my tearful goodbyes to mum, (and to Paula), and gave them both hugs and Christmas kisses.

I sat for a long time with Barry, whilst Margaret darling took the kids round to see some of the hospital, incorporating a trip to the vending machine so the kids could choose a sweet, and Barry and I could have time for a chat by ourselves. Well, I HAD to tell Barry what had happened over the course of the week, because he had been phoned, and of course he wasn’t sure quite what to do, but he had phoned every night to see how I was, and the staff had advised him that by the weekend I would be back in my own ward, but what they hadn’t said was that I was going to be feeling like shit! Anyway, he understood, and he was telling me how tired he was, which I understood, as I know Barry’s style of driving… he only stops, when he HAS to and otherwise, just goes for it. The kiddies were too excited to be tired, but we both knew that they were going to become tired at the same time, and get crabby with each other and start arguing… so with that, I agreed with Barry that he should go to the Holiday Inn that they were booked into and get something to eat, and have an early night. When Casey and Mitch came back, I could have spent all night with them. They were soo pleased to see me and I was with them, and I know they were absolutely intrigued by the spinal unit, and the patients in it, and I think it surprised them to see so many young people in wheelchairs or bedbound. I was just disappointed I wasn’t in my wheelchair, which meant I had to stay in bed all the time. Anyway, it was time to go, and I got lots and lots of hugs and kisses, and they left, happy, and looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.