One Step Closer to You (26 page)

Aunt Viv and I meet in Chamomile, Christmas music playing in the background. Christmas has been the last thing on both our minds.

Aunt Viv looks tired, dark rings under her eyes and her hair pinned away from a pale face. ‘I wanted to tell you, Polly, of course I did, but I’d made a promise.’

I stir my coffee. ‘Were you
never
going to tell me?’

‘I know it’s hard to understand, but I made peace with my decision years ago. Whatever you think of my sister, she gave you a home, she provided for you in a way I never would have been able to. I couldn’t come back and destroy that. What a way to repay her! We made a deal and I had to honour it. It broke my heart, it wasn’t easy, but …’

I can’t listen … ‘How about being honest? You lied to me!’

‘If I’d told you, it could have done unthinkable damage.
I made a promise to be as good an aunt as possible, treat you like my own, love you like my own. I was determined to be a part of your life; no one was going to stop me from doing that. I never stopped thinking about my little girl,’ she says tearfully. ‘I came back from America to be close to you. I watched with terror when you were with Matthew. I admire the way you’ve brought up Louis and had the courage to turn your life around. I have loved every single minute of being close to you, especially these past few years. And Louis … well, of course I loved babysitting him. He’s my grandson.’

‘I wish you’d told me,’ I say again, fighting not to cry, and then thinking what the hell, just cry. ‘I can’t call you Mum.’

‘I don’t expect you to.’

I look up at her. ‘Maybe one day.’

She takes my hand. ‘That’s good enough for me.’

We sit quietly for a while, until Aunt Viv says, ‘There are many things I’m not proud of Polly, but I’m so proud of you.’

I look up, tears in my eyes. ‘You won’t be very proud of me when you hear me sing.’

‘Sorry?’

I end up telling her about my plan, based on Harry’s advice. ‘It’s the Christmas school fundraiser tonight, ‘Stars in Their Eyes’. I’m singing a song for Ben.’

‘But you can’t sing.’

‘I get that from you.’

We laugh for the first time and it feels good. ‘I always
used to wonder how Hugo could have such an angelic voice.’ I look at Aunt Viv, not wishing to fight or argue with her anymore. ‘Will you come? I need all the support I can get.’ Janey is coming with Paul; Hugo and his Spanish girlfriend, Maria, along with Jim and his wife, will be on our table. Thankfully I know Ben is coming because Gabriella told me he’s helping behind the bar.

Aunt Viv appears surprised and touched. ‘Of course I’ll come. I’ll bring earplugs.’

Jim and I are at Louis’s school, rehearsing my song. Jim turns the music off.

‘I told you I couldn’t sing,’ I say, breaking into a helpless smile.

Jim coughs. ‘You’re a little out of tune.’

I stare at him, knowing he’s using artistic licence.

‘OK, let’s say there’s plenty of room for improvement. One more time,’ he insists as I’m about to jump off the stage.

Reluctantly I get back into my starting position, clutching the microphone.

‘This time don’t stand so stiffly, Polly. Walk around more, strut your stuff.’ Jim glides across the floor, clicking his fingers, begins to sing my song effortlessly. ‘It’ll be easier when you’re in your red-hot dress, you’ll feel …’

‘Terrified.’

‘I was going to say a million dollars. Think sexy. Think sultry.’ Jim pouts, making me forget my nerves for a second.
‘Remember you’re singing this for Ben. You want to show him how much he means to you, right?’

‘Right.’

‘So make every single word count. Think about the lyrics and what they mean to you. Old Frankie boy had a way of singling out a beautiful woman in the audience and making her feel like he was singing the song only for her. That’s what you’ve got to do.’ Jim presses play. ‘Just think of Ben and forget about the rest of us.’

*

The school assembly room is adorned with Christmas decorations and filled with small round tables covered with red-checked cloths and candles. People are heading to the kitchen bar to buy crisps and cheap warm wine.

‘What number are you on the list?’ Aunt Viv asks, detecting my nerves. ‘Good to go fairly early on and get it over with.’

‘I’m last.’

‘Oh,’ everyone says.

‘Exactly.’ I look over to the next table. Gabriella is with her husband and friends, everyone merrily drinking wine and filling in their quiz sheet. She’s performing ‘It’s Raining Men’, by the Weather Girls with Violet, head of the PTA. I watch her pick up the bottle and pour another glass.

It’s hard enough singing in front of a crowd, let alone singing stone-cold sober.

*

*

‘Welcome to the second ‘Stars in Their Eyes’, back by popular demand,’ says our host, dressed in black tie, holding a clipboard. ‘My name is Mike, and I know you’ll be truly bowled over by some of tonight’s performers, some of the finest acts you’ll ever see …’

Everyone laughs.

‘… and some of the most amazing outfits you’ll ever set eyes on too. So without further ado, let’s meet our first act.’

Janey squeezes my hand. ‘He’s not here yet,’ I whisper, thinking there’s no way I’m doing this if he doesn’t show up.

‘He’ll come,’ Janey assures me.

‘Have faith,’ says Aunt Viv, crossing her fingers.

Hugo nods. I watch him and Maria together, so comfortable, his arm around her shoulder. I ache to see Ben. Where is he?

*

Jim is on next. ‘So, Jim, can you give us a clue who you are?’

‘Sure. This song was used in a Quentin Tarantino film,
Reservoir Dogs
.’

‘And your UK sell-out tour going well?’

Everyone laughs.

‘Very.’

‘Well, Jim, tell us who you are. We’re on the edge of our seats here.’

‘Well, tonight, Mike, I’m going to be Stealers Wheel singing ‘Stuck in The Middle with You’.’

‘Of course you are! Go and get changed.’

Jim’s wife covers her eyes when five minutes later he returns on stage dressed in brown trousers, stripy shirt, droopy moustache, wig and shades, playing a guitar.

I forget about my ordeal as Hugo and I stand up and wolf-whistle. Jim can sing. He kept that a secret.

I head to the bar. Still no sign of him. ‘Have you seen Ben?’ I ask one of the school mums.

She nods. ‘Apparently Emily’s been unwell or something.’

My heart sinks.

‘He left a message. He might come later, if he thinks he can leave her with the babysitter.’

*

I report the gloomy news.

‘Oh, bloody children,’ Janey exclaims.

‘I can’t believe this,’ I mutter.

Hugo leaves the table, asking where the loos are.

*

Gabriella and Violet are on next, both of them modelling low-cut silk dresses that show off their ample cleavages. Gabriella belts out ‘It’s Raining Men’ like a diva. Panic seizes my stomach. I’m rubbish and everyone else is good. They have talent. Gabriella has a beautiful voice. This isn’t just some school fundraiser; I’m watching mums and dads who have dreamed of the stage since childhood and this is as close as they are going to get to fame. As for me … all I’m going to do is make a fool of myself. Aunt Viv stops me from
fidgeting and looking towards the bar. ‘He’ll be here,’ she says, touching my arm. ‘But even if he doesn’t come tonight, there will be another way to show him.’

After a show-stopping version of Shirley Bassey’s ‘Hey Big Spender’, our headmistress comes on singing a Susan Boyle number. ‘Damn it,’ I mutter to Janey. ‘She’s amazing too.’

‘Apparently she’s always wanted to be an opera singer,’ mentions Jim.

I’ve given up hope of Ben arriving.

Janey grips my hand. ‘It doesn’t matter about Ben. Just go up there and show us what you’re made of.’

‘Everyone on this table will be clapping,’ reassures Maria.

‘Exactly!’ continues Janey. ‘Who cares if you can sing or not? You give it attitude! Own that stage.’

I nod, yet feel positively sick with nerves and disappointment as the host announces, ‘Well, we’ve saved the best till last, folks! Come on up, Polly Stephens.’

Hugo encourages me to go, but I can’t feel my legs. I’m going to faint.

‘Polly,’ our host greets me when finally I join him on the stage. ‘I’ve been really looking forward to your act. Give us a clue who you’re going to be.’

‘Er, she was an American singer and actress, big in the 1920s and 30s.’ I look towards the back of the hall, still waiting for Ben miraculously to show up.

‘And tell us about the song you’ve picked,’ continues the host.

I can see Aunt Viv and Janey willing me to continue.

Come on, Polly, you can do this. ‘Harry Connick Jr. sang it in my favourite film,
When Harry Met
 …’ I stop dead.

I want to jump off this stage and into his arms.

‘Go on,’ Ben mouths at me, leaning against the wall at the back of the hall.

‘
When Harry Met Sally
.’

‘Well it’s great you’re singing this for all the children at Eastwood’s.’

‘I’m not doing it for the school,’ I say without thinking. ‘Sorry, but if it were for the school, I’d have rather donated a tenner.’

A few more laughs.

‘I’m singing it for someone,’ I say, looking directly at him now. ‘Someone who’s here tonight.’

‘Well, on that saucy note, I think it’s time to tell us who you’re going to be.’

‘Tonight, everyone, I’m … I’m …’ I catch Ben’s eye. ‘Ruth Etting.’

‘She’s Ruth Etting!’ the host repeats with way too much enthusiasm.

*

I return to the stage in a full-length red-sequin dress with matching lipstick, dangerously high-heeled shoes, my dark hair falling down my shoulders. The audience cheer and wolf-whistle. ‘I can do this,’ I mutter to myself, my heart thumping.

The orchestral music starts to play the introduction to ‘It Had to Be You’, everyone in the audience clapping already. I take a deep breath. He’s here. He is here, Polly. This is my chance. Don’t be nervous.

‘It had to be you,’ I sing, my voice surprisingly bold.

As the song picks up momentum, I glide across the floor and gesture to Ben, just before my heel gets caught in the hem of my dress. I disentangle myself and on I go, reminding myself I am a glamour puss. Some of the audience turn to see who I’m looking at. ‘Go for it, Polly!’ I hear Jim shout, as my entire table gets up to clap and encourage me on.

I sing every single word for him, from the bottom of my heart. When the song comes to the end, I must be dreaming. I’m getting a standing ovation.

*

Backstage, I rush to get dressed, laughing with tears of relief that it’s over and that he came. At least I didn’t go through that ordeal in vain. I can’t have been that bad? A standing ovation! Maybe I
can
sing? I hop around on one foot trying to find my other shoe. Come on, where are you? I look under the rail of clothes. I’ve got to see him, before he goes …

‘Here it is,’ a voice says.

I turn, my heart skipping a beat when I see Ben standing in front of me, holding my shoe.

‘How’s Emily?’ is the only thing I can think of saying to him, not taking the shoe.

‘She picked up some bug.’ He doesn’t take his eyes off mine.

‘I’m sorry. Poor Emily. But you came, saw me make an idiot of myself.’

‘When Hugo called to tell me his sister was singing a special song for me in a stunning red dress … well that kind of offer doesn’t come along more than once in a lifetime. Well, I hope not anyway, for the sake of my ears.’

I take the shoe and slip it on, building myself up to say, ‘How was your date?’

‘Good.’

I look away.

Gently he turns me back towards him. ‘It’s my turn for a “but” now.’

‘But?’

‘But she wasn’t you.’

I take his hand. ‘I’m so sorry, Ben … and if I could rewind time …’

‘What time would you go back to?’

‘The time when you told me you loved me.’

‘What would you do differently?’

‘Everything. You were right. I was scared. Terrified that if things didn’t work … but I shouldn’t have trusted Matthew so easily, or let him get in the way of us.’

‘You’re forgiving.’ He shrugs. ‘We’ve had second chances. Everyone deserves that, and I understand that he’s Louis’s father. Hugo told me about what happened that night Matthew came over,’ he says, moving closer towards me, our fingers now interlocking. ‘That he uncovered a
lot of untruths about him. He’s quite something, your brother.’

I nod, tearful. ‘So are you. It was always you, Ben. I was just so stupid. You were never second best.’

He wipes a tear away from my eye with his thumb and our faces are only inches apart before he puts his arms around me. I do the same, clinging on, knowing I will never let him go again.

‘I was wondering,’ he says, when finally we pull apart.

‘You were wondering …’

He pulls me towards him again; our foreheads touch, his mouth so close to mine. ‘What do you fancy doing on our first date?’

‘This,’ I say, as we kiss.

It’s a glorious summer’s day and Ben is driving Emily, Louis, Nellie and me to watch him play cricket at Stoneleigh Abbey in Warwickshire. A few months ago Ben contacted his old village cricket club, based in Crawley, close to where Grace had lived. He was missing the matches, the league tables, seeing his team players, a mixed bunch from a professor of neuroscience to the maintenance man. ‘That’s what makes it fun,’ he’d told me. ‘Everyone is different.’

Ben tells me Stoneleigh Abbey is stunning, one of the best venues in the country, and that the Abbey and grounds are often hired for weddings.

‘Are you going to get married, Daddy?’ asks Emily, ears pricking up at the idea of dressing up. ‘Can I be your bridesmaid?’

‘Sweetheart, we’re not getting married,’ I say.

‘Not yet.’ Ben glances my way, touching my knee.

‘Why don’t you ask me – see what I say?’

‘Maybe I will.’

*

As we drive on, I think about the past six months. Despite my life being turned upside down, I have never felt this safe and happy, nor so in love.

Ben and I moved in together a month ago, a big step for both of us, but we were ready. He asked me one Sunday morning in bed. ‘Polly, I’ve been thinking,’ he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, our naked bodies warm under the covers. ‘We should make this
our
home.’ He turned me towards him, took my hand as if about to propose, kissing each finger in turn. ‘Will you live with me?’

We spoke to Louis and Emily separately. Emily was easy to persuade, loving the idea of Louis and I sleeping over for good. Louis was quiet at first. He no longer asks questions about his father, but I have reassured him that any time he wants to talk to me, he can. I won’t let Louis grow up in a house filled with secrets. ‘Does that mean Big Ben will be my dad now?’ he asked after thinking about it for a long time.

I nodded. ‘But you don’t have to call him Dad, you can call him whatever you like. We want to be together, a family. I think we could be so happy, but your happiness is the most important thing to me, Louis.’

‘Ben won’t leave us, will he?’ he said, clutching on to Fido the dog.

I shook my head. ‘No. We love each other very much.’

Ben then came into the room. ‘I’m sorry, couldn’t help overhearing.’ He knelt down in front of Louis. ‘I’m not going anywhere. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.’

I felt sad saying goodbye to my old shoebox. It was the home where I became close to my mother and it symbolised a fresh start in every way, but moving in with Ben is the next adventure. I’ve begun to put my past behind me; what matters now is my future, with Louis, Emily and Ben.

Mum, well not my mother, really my Aunt Gina, and I have slowly begun to heal wounds. When we first met, after Christmas, she explained that she’d thought she was doing what was best, but even she could see that this explanation was too rehearsed, it wasn’t going to be enough for either of us. When I pushed her, stressing it was important for Hugo to know the truth too, she agreed that part of it might have been to punish her sister. I do understand the damage caused by Aunt Viv not only killing her baby son but also her younger brother. I understand how angry Aunt Gina must have been that addiction was tearing the family apart, first with her father, my Granddad Arthur, then Vivienne and of course, later on, me. When was it going to stop? She had given her sister so many chances, Aunt Viv swearing she’d change, promising she’d quit, all of which had been thrown back in her face. ‘Vivienne wanted me to adopt you. She agreed. She knew she wasn’t capable of looking after you. We promised one another it would remain a secret, but I’m so sorry we hurt you, Polly. That I hurt you.’

It is the deceit I have found most difficult to deal with. I have sat in my rocking chair, going over and over it again. I don’t understand why, at some stage, they couldn’t have told me? I also now understand why my father took a back seat, why Aunt Gina was always the disciplinarian. I wonder if he ever really wanted to adopt me? We’re close, but we never had a father-daughter bond. He was simply there, a gentle presence, working hard to support his family and Aunt Gina’s decision. It seems Aunt Viv’s addiction impacted on everyone’s lives.

The one thing that has remained constant is my deep friendship and love for Hugo. Like me, Hugo has been angry, confused and wanted answers, but nothing has changed between us. Louis, Hugo and I went out for a meal last weekend, just the three of us. He seemed different. He’s in love with Maria, I can tell. I’m so happy for him. Hugo deserves only the best.

During the past six months I have also found strength through my friends at AA, especially Neve. I am now a sponsor to the young woman who came to her first meeting in tears. Her name is Iona, and she had been raised by foster-parents all her life, shunted from one place to the other with no sense of belonging. We’re working through the steps and I am enjoying being on the other side, giving something back.

Harry and his wife Betsy are joining their children and grandchildren for a summer holiday in Barcelona. ‘Going
to whoop it up, Polly, live every day like it’s my last. Life is too short.’

Of course Harry was also delighted that his ploy to show Ben how much I loved him worked. Ben’s support and love has helped me so much. We all make mistakes. What counts is how we move on. I don’t want to be bitter for the rest of my life. I want to live it. I’ve wasted enough time. All that is important is that we can find a way to forgive. I am not blameless. I
was
a pretty bad daughter, but Aunt Gina also recognises now that many of my actions were the actions of someone who was deeply insecure. Someone who felt unloved.

Since we’ve been together, Ben has been able to build up his business, taking on new clients, and in the past few months I’ve been thinking about going back to teaching, only this time I’d like to teach older children. When I was packing my things up in the flat I came across an old canvas box-file filled with random photographs. There were some taken in Paris, others of Janey and me at school, Hugo and me in our bright yellow life jackets rowing on the lake towards the sunken boat, pictures of Louis as a baby, and right at the bottom, an official-looking document. Curious, I dug it out to see it was a reference from my old school. I felt a surge of guilt, remembering how irresponsible I’d been at times, and that if I knew now that one of the teachers at Louis and Emily’s school was anything like me …

‘
Polly is a delightful member of staff, who brings to her lessons
warmth, humour, charm and above all, she makes children understand learning is all about having fun. She will be a hard act to follow
.’

I reread it, wondering why it hadn’t meant that much to me the first time. When I showed it to Ben he asked me why I seemed so surprised. When I told him I wanted to teach again, that it was time to think about leaving Mary-Jane in the kitchen in her Marigolds, he told me that I could do whatever I set my mind to.

Ben and I fill one another with confidence. It’s as if we are the missing pieces in each other’s jigsaw, and now that we’ve found one another, joy has crept into our lives.

*

Stoneleigh Abbey is as beautiful as Ben described: a large country mansion set in acres of parkland, overlooking the River Avon. Lots of friends and family have come to watch the match, picnics adorning rugs. I help the children to egg sandwiches and sausage rolls from the coolbox, telling them not to feed Nellie. There’s something so lovely and British about watching cricket, not that I’ve done it before, mind you, but I’m not complaining about the view: handsome men in whites on a fresh green lawn. I try to find Ben amongst the crowd. ‘There he is!’ I point him out to the children. He’s talking to one of his teammates, his pullover and cap showing off his club’s crest. Ben’s team are fielding first. I sit back and relax, enjoying the sun beating against my face, not paying too much attention. After lunch, Louis
takes Nellie for a quick walkabout, promising he won’t go far. We laugh when we see Louis telling Nellie off for eating someone’s sandwich.

Emily grows taller by the day and eats pretty well now, I think to myself when she asks, ‘Mum, can I have another custard tart?’ She enjoys ballet and dance. She also loves to cook, telling me that when she grows up she wants to own a restaurant. Louis wants to make a lot of money in America and drive fast cars. Sometimes I see Matthew in him, but all I can tell myself is that Matthew didn’t have the best start in life. His father was some dodgy criminal who clipped him round the ear when he spoke out of turn. He probably did more damage than I’ll ever know. His mother was absent. I think about him, from time to time, but no longer look over my shoulder or have nightmares. I know I won’t see him again. That chapter in my life is finally over.

*

It’s the second half of the game. I have stopped plaiting Emily’s hair and reading my magazine. This is impossibly tense. Stoneleigh Abbey scored one hundred and sixty-five all out and Ben’s team have scored one hundred and sixty for nine. All they need is six runs from two balls to win, a daunting task, and Ben is batting. I feel charged with nerves.

‘He has to hit the ball really hard, over the boundary,’ I tell Emily and Louis.

‘Go, Daddy!’ she says when we see him positioning himself in front of the wicket, dressed in his pads, gloves, thigh
pads and helmet – the whole works. The bowler is polishing the ball against his trousers.

He runs towards Ben, bowls … Ben hits the ball, down to deep mid-on, only making him two runs. I shriek with disappointment, it’s not enough. He’s got to make a boundary from the last ball.

I’m unable to watch. It’s too much. I shield my face. Emily and Louis are on their feet, cheering him on, as are all the other supporting families.

‘Go, Daddy!’ Emily jumps up and down, clapping her hands.

‘Go, Daddy!’ Louis says.

I look over to him, a tear in my eye. It’s the first time Louis has called Ben Daddy.

I tell myself that if Ben hits it across the boundary I will ask him to marry me, tonight.

The bowler bounds towards him, releases the ball … Ben makes contact. The ball strikes against the bat, a clean crisp sound. The ball soars into the air. Emily, Louis and I watch as it flies across the field and into the stand.

He’s done it.

THE END