Only Between Us (7 page)

I shouldn’t want her this much.

I
can’t
want her this much.

I’m supposed to be somewhere else right now.

Five thousand dollars,
whispers a voice in my head.
You’re going to give up five thousand dollars for a chance to touch this girl?
Three months of rent. Groceries. A chunk of Katie’s last hospital bill. Katie’s new prescription. I can’t afford to be selfish right now.

I shoot to my feet as reality crashes in on all sides. “I have to go,” I say, my voice breaking.

Romy’s eyes pop open, and she blinks a few times as a warm, pink flush suffuses her cheeks. “Oh … okay. Of course. Sure.” She clears her throat and stands up, too, keeping her face turned away from me. She probably thinks she’s read the situation wrong. If I were free to do what I want, I’d tilt her face up and kiss that blush away. But I’m not free. I’m in a cage, and I stepped into it willingly.

“I’ll walk you back to the theater.”

“It’s all right,” she says. “You don’t have to.”

I scowl at her. “I’m walking you back. It’s one thing during the day, and it’s another at night.” Plus … I
am
selfish. I want every minute of this, even though I’ve already ruined it.

The corner of her mouth twitches. “We’d better get going then.” She looks at me expectantly, and I realize I haven’t started to walk yet.

So I do. We haven’t even made it a block before my phone buzzes in my pocket. I ignore it.

“You can get that if you need to,” she says.

“I don’t.” It’s probably Claudia. Katie was fast asleep when I left this evening. And she’ll stay that way. I watched her take the meds with her pizza tonight.

The lights of Main Street seem much brighter than before, harsh and unforgiving as we step back onto the sidewalk and head for the theater. Romy is silent, like her thoughts have swallowed her. I’d pay a lot to know what she’s thinking. But I don’t have money, and that’s exactly the problem.

We reach the theater, and Romy glances up at the marquee.
SORG
, it says. If there’s a worse name for a movie, no one’s yet come up with it. Romy lets out a sigh. “I’d better get back in there, I guess.”

“Hang in there,” I say.
You have no idea how much I wish I could go with you.

She stares at me for a second, then touches the tab of my zipper, right in the middle of my chest, with her fingertip. She pulls her hand back quickly, like she didn’t mean to do it. “You, too,” she says softly. And then she opens the door to the theater and disappears inside.

I jam my hands into my pockets, crushing the little box of condoms in my fist, wrestling down the urge to follow her, to pull her back, to finish what we started on that bench by the lake. My phone buzzes again, and I pull it out. Claudia.
I’m waiting.

I peer into the lobby of the theater. Romy’s nowhere to be seen. She’s gone back to her friends. Back to her life. I swallow the lump in my throat and reply:
On my way.

Chapter Seven: Romy

I slip back into the theater and plop down next to Eric, whose head is on Jude’s shoulder. Jude’s arm is around the back of the seat. I tug gently on his dangling fingers and he glances over at me and raises his eyebrow before turning his attention back to the screen.

I spend the rest of the movie thinking about what just happened with Caleb. My face is still hot with embarrassment. I had been so sure he was going to kiss me. It happened so fast. One minute, we were talking about painting, and the next, he was right there, close enough for me to see the tiny spot on his jaw where he nicked himself shaving, close enough for me to see his pulse beating in the hollow of his throat.

Part of me wanted to crawl into his lap and put my mouth on his. Caleb is undeniably hot, but there’s also something about him that’s vulnerable. It’s like that part of him was calling out to me, begging me to look. Begging me to touch. Like his paintings.

Another part of me wanted to run. Alone, in a park, with a man I don’t know very well. The first time I’ve been that close to a guy in months. Not since Alex, in January, not since that night when everything exploded after weeks of agonizing simmering.

Then Caleb touched me, and it was so gentle that it melted me. His fingers smelled of turpentine and soap—he’d been painting this afternoon, maybe this evening. His skin was warm and rough and my body responded instantly. Just like that, my fears winked out and disappeared, replaced by a restless hunger. We’d been talking about sensation, about how people lose the ability to embrace something for the sheer joy of it without thinking it to death, and that’s what I wanted.

I have a right to this,
I’d thought to myself.
It’s time for me to experience something for my own pleasure and for no other reason.
And as soon as Caleb’s fingertips slid over my skin, I knew he could give that to me.

But it was over so quickly. He jumped up, looking totally spooked, and I realized I’d been leaning forward, practically asking him to kiss me. No wonder he wanted to escape. He has women throwing themselves at him all the time, and I proved myself to be one of them. I had the opportunity to be a friend, and instead I acted like all those prowling women at the front of the class.

It won’t happen again. I can’t believe I did that to him. Maybe I should do us both a favor and drop the class. Except … Dr. Greer might not be happy if I do that. He might think I’m withdrawing from the world again. I’m stuck.

Eric nudges me. “Ready? Or did you want to sit through the credits?” On his other side, Jude is standing up, putting on his jacket. Eric turns to him, and Jude pushes his boyfriend’s glasses higher on the bridge of his nose and gives him a quick kiss.

I get to my feet. “Definitely ready to go.”

We scoot out of there and I climb into the back seat of Eric’s tiny hybrid. “I’m starving,” Jude says. “Can we make a run to Sammy’s?”

“What, my risotto didn’t fill you up?” Eric asks.

Jude tousles Eric’s light brown hair, which is shot through with gray. He’s not even thirty, but it gives him a serious, grown-up kind of appearance that must work in his favor when he’s facing down other lawyers in the courtroom. “I’ve got the appetite of a lumberjack,” Jude says to him. “Plus, Romy needs the nourishment. She’s wasting away.”

Jude glances back at me and I roll my eyes. Sammy’s is open all night and is a prime place for drunken frat boys to hang out, but the omelets are actually really good. “I’m game,” I say.

Eric pulls away from the curb. “There’s our fun-loving Romy. I was afraid you’d gone away.” He says it lightly, but he reaches back and gives my hand a quick squeeze. It’s both awesome and painful, a reminder of how different I was when I moved here and started this graduate program. I was so confident, ready to be an adult, eager to have a career and make my own money instead of living off my parents. When I met Alex a few weeks into the semester—so handsome and smart, a law student who seemed determined to sweep me off my feet—I felt it all falling into place. And a few months later, it was all falling apart, and Eric and Jude were the ones who helped glue me back together.

“Eh. Let’s scale it back to fun-
liking
Romy,” I tease. “I’m not sure I’m ready to commit.”

“You don’t have to commit to anything, babe. But fun is something you definitely need. Jude was telling me about this avoidance cycle thing the other day. How, if you’re scared of something and you stay away from it, that thing only gets scarier over time? If you want to treat a phobia, you have to expose yourself to what you’re scared of. Did I get that right?”

Jude puts his hand on Eric’s thigh, and I can’t tell if it’s purely affectionate or if he’s giving him a little squeeze that means
shut up, honey
.

“I don’t have a fun phobia, Eric.”

He shrugs. “Speaking of going away, though, where did you run off to during the movie?”

The heat of embarrassment creeps up my neck. “I went for a walk.”

“Alone. In the dark,” Jude says in a flat voice. He gives Eric a sidelong glance.

“I … actually, I ran into Caleb. Our painting teacher?” I try to sound casual, but my voice quavers when I say his name.

Jude turns all the way around in his seat. “Are you serious? Was he at the movie, too?”

I press my lips together and shake my head. “I ran into him on the street. We chatted for a bit.”

“And?” Jude’s fingers are curled over his seat.

“What do you mean ‘and?’ We chatted. He’s starting up an oil painting class and thought I might be interested.”

“He’s starting up a class a few weeks into the semester?” Eric asks, his tone drenched in skepticism.

“He did look like he might be interested in you,” says Jude, giving me a questioning look.

I lean my head against the window. “I think you might have read him wrong.” I think I might have read him wrong, too, and I’m more disappointed by that than I should be. I rub my face, hard. “Besides, I’m trying to focus on myself right now.”

“Who said you couldn’t focus on yourself?” Eric asks. “You need to reclaim your power, Romy. And maybe explore a little. You could use him as your playground. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“What are you talking about?”

Eric tilts his head. “Maybe you could do something that’s just fun, and isn’t about someone owning and controlling you.”

“You are such a
guy
, Eric. You think I need to have a shallow, physical relationship with someone, and that would fix me?” I laugh. Eric always says exactly what he’s thinking.

“I’m saying a shallow physical relationship might be fun, Romy, as long as you feel safe.” He glances at me in the rearview. “And you don’t need to be fixed. You need to get back in the game and not let what that asshole did keep you on the sidelines.
You
need to be the one in control.”

“But she doesn’t know this Caleb guy, Eric,” Jude says gently. “He may have his own issues.”

“Who doesn’t? It was simply a suggestion. Or, I mean, paint some pictures. Whatever works for you.”

I pat Eric’s shoulder. “I’ll take it under advisement. But right now, the only simple pleasure I’m after is an omelet with sausage and cheese.” Unfortunately, I’m also having trouble thinking about anything other than exploring …
things
… with Caleb. He’s probably exploring with someone else right now, I remind myself. Or maybe not. He didn’t seem eager to go, at least not at first, but then he couldn’t get away fast enough. The more I think about it, the more confused I am about what exactly was going on with him.

We pull into the nearly full parking lot of Sammy’s and head inside. The hostess looks frazzled and mutters something about needing more menus as she leads us to a booth in the middle of the restaurant. I scoot in and immediately set my palm in a smear of syrup generously left behind by the booth’s previous occupants. Grimacing, I motion to Jude to let me out again. “I’m going to go wash my hands,” I tell him.

With my fingers curled over my sticky palm, I weave my way through the crowded restaurant. The booths and tables are full of laughing students, and the faint smell of pot hanging in the air tells me that the cooks are probably very busy in the back, working to accommodate at least a dozen serious cases of the munchies. Several tables are occupied by older couples or groups, all of whom probably came from the film festival, and in the booth in the corner is a lone couple that seriously needs to seek some privacy. As I walk by, his hand closes over her breast. Their mouths are locked together. Her fingers are clutching at his shoulders.  I look away quickly as my thoughts once again stray to Caleb.

I skip the line for the stalls and wash my hands, glancing at my reflection as I rub soap between my fingers. What did Caleb see when he looked at me? Does he prefer those polished women with their carefully painted faces, their manicured nails, their painstakingly highlighted hair? Would I really want something stupid and casual with him? Would that really be possible? The more I think about it, the more intriguing the idea is, but would he even be interested? Jude thought he was, and for a moment, I could have sworn Jude was right. Shaking my head, I dry my hands and promise myself I’ll stop thinking about it tonight.

I push open the door to the ladies’ room and enter the hallway, nearly colliding with a guy coming out of the men’s. He catches my shoulders and mumbles a quick apology, but then he pulls up short. “Romy.”

I twist around as I hear his voice, and my stomach drops. “Alex.” It comes out broken. A whisper.

He looks the same, curly blond hair, only a few inches taller than me, but muscular and fit. A hard, possessive grip. “Oh my God,” he says. “You cut your hair.”

I try to shrug his hands away, but he moves with me. “Let me go,” I mouth, but my heart is beating too fast to allow any sound.

“You look good.” His thumbs stroke over my shoulders, and he smiles. I used to love that smile. So confident, so powerful, so unafraid. “How have you been?”

It’s like he doesn’t remember what happened. Or maybe he does, because he hasn’t let me go. It’s what he used to do—he said I was always trying to run away, and that I needed to face things. “I’m fine. My friends are waiting.”

He edges a little closer. “Mine are, too. Listen, I’ve missed you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. A year ago, we were here together.”

My eyes burn. I’m stuck in this hallway, and people are walking by all around us, and none of them are looking at me. No one is noticing what’s happening. “That was a long time ago. I’ve moved on.”

“I remember it perfectly,” he says in a low voice, like he didn’t even hear me—or doesn’t care what I said anyway. “We were so good together. Don’t you think about me sometimes?”

“Let me go, Alex.” He hears me this time. I can tell by the change in his expression, the flicker of heat in his eyes.

But he doesn’t take his hands off me. “My number is the same. Call me and we’ll talk. You never gave me a chance to apologize, and I wanted to. I tried, but it was like you’d disappeared.”