Only Ever Yours (8 page)

“freida?”

Tiredness is pulling me under. I’m trying to keep my head up, claw my way out of this never-ending dream, but I keep falling back. The world blinks once, twice. A bald head is floating before me. I should nod to say that I am awake, but my skull feels like a burden. I close my eyes again.

“I’ll wait here until she wakes up, chastity-magdalena.” Another voice, a girl. Younger.

“You’re not supposed to be here. You might get in trouble.”

“It’s
me
.” Her voice cracks a little. “I can’t get in trouble, can I?”

Footsteps walking away. A hand on my forehead, brushing away my hair.

freida, freida
.

My name is freida.

I push the suffocating blanket off me.

There are two old windows in the wall facing me, blocked up with square mirror panes surrounded by a mahogany border. There is another, empty, bed next to me in this large, white room.

I am not in my dorm.

“You’re awake.”

She’s sitting on a stripped wooden chair at the end of the bed, so low that she has to semi-rise out of the seat in order to see me over the bed frame.

“How are you feeling?” she asks, groping for the switch on the wall, both of us blinking as she turns the light on. Her face is knotted in anxiety but softer somehow, more like the isabel I used to know.

“What happened?”

“You fainted in the cafeteria. You’ve been in Sick Bay ever since.”

“I fainted? Did everyone see? Were people laughing?”

“We thought you’d had a heart attack or something. They had to bring a Doctor in from the Euro-Zone to examine you. He was furious that an eve with a known sleep disorder was deprived of SleepSound, accused chastity-anne and chastity-ruth of neglect.”

“How do you know? Who told you all this?” I ask, but she merely shrugs before saying, “You’ve been out for two days now.”

“Out? Out as in
unconscious
?”

“Seriously, you need to calm down. chastity-magdalena won’t be happy if she comes in and finds you agitated.”

“I’m not agitated,” I say agitatedly.

She looks at me skeptically and pulls her ePad out of the battered leather satchel hanging off the back of her chair.

“freida, I think I know you well enough to know when you’re feeling anxious.”

And in that moment there is so much I want to say to her I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

“Okay. I’m agitated,” I admit, and isabel throws her head back in laughter. A braid is holding her silky white hair back from her lightly freckled face, her eyes lit up with amusement. I try not to look below her shoulders, but I can’t stop myself. She’s in the same black dress, but I can see the extra bulk collecting at her neck, on her arms. When she moves, the material sticks to the rolls of fat around her tummy. I can count them as easily as I can count freja’s ribs. I feel nausea, pity, and, worst of all, a shiver of glee. If there were photos of us in our bikinis on Your Body or Mine, I would be chosen. For the first time against isabel,
I would win
.

“It’s been strange on MyFace with everyone banned,” she says, fiddling with her ePad. “My news feed is nonexistent.”

“At least you have access to it. I feel like my arm has been hacked off with a rusty saw.”

“Lovely visual, freida. So dramatic,” she pretends to scold me. “Come here, I’ll give you a look at mine.”

“Oh, can we? Can we go on to Artificial?”

isabel pushes herself out of the squat little chair and stands at my left shoulder. She leans in so that I can see the screen properly, her hair tickling my cheek. She still smells of lavender. If I close my eyes, I could be five again, huddled with isabel after yet another clash with chastity-ruth. A wave of affection for her crashes over me, a weakness I thought I had defeated.

“The big story is still the Charles and carrie Carmichael story,” she says.

“What happened?”

“He thought she was being too ‘friendly’ with another Inheritant at his birthday party. He broke her nose and two of her ribs.”

“He hit her in the face? I can’t believe that.”

“It’s true. They did a special edition on it—‘Combating with the Carmichaels.’”

“Why didn’t she deny it?”

“He did it on a live broadcast. They couldn’t cover it up.”

“He’s yummy. I’d let him beat me any day.” I repeat megan’s words.

“Don’t.” isabel rebukes me sharply. “Don’t say that.”

I look at the ePad. Charles’s arms are folded across his chest defensively. I click on the video “. . . 
and what happens between me and my companion is my business. I reserve the right to do what I want in my own home . . .
” I turn the sound off. His lips are still moving. carrie is standing behind him, the thin straps of her cream slip dress falling off her shoulders.
Her face is beautifully made up but you can see the shadowing underneath, her eyes huge with defeat.

“Did carrie release a statement too?”

“I doubt anyone asked her for one,” isabel says, and I nod, pushing the ePad away.

“Are you feeling sick? Should I call chastity-magdalena?” Worry is etched on isabel’s face. Why is she being nice to me again?

“How come you’re allowed to visit me?”

“I’m not being chastised, am I?”

“But you’re still breaking Isolation. Why haven’t the chastities kicked you out?”

“Just lucky, I guess.” She picks at a spare thread in the blanket cover, avoiding my eyes. Another secret.

“Fine. Don’t tell me.”

“It’s not a big deal, freida. chastity-magdalena is being amazing.” She wags her finger at me. “You know, I think you’re her favorite. For some reason.”

“Excuse me!” I can’t help but smile. “What do you mean, ‘for some reason’? Why wouldn’t I be her favorite?”

isabel makes a grotesque face, and we start giggling again. “I’ve missed this,” I blurt out before I lose courage. “It’s been nice these last few days, sitting together at meals. Like the old days.”

“Well, you
were
delirious from a lack of sleep . . .”

“And I’m sorry about not inviting you to the garden. It wasn’t my decision.”

“It’s fine.”

She doesn’t offer me an apology in return or explain why she’s been pushing me away all year. I wish I knew why I didn’t say anything to her about this before now. Why didn’t I catch it at the beginning? But it all happened so gradually. A missed VideoChat request here and there, the night I lay awake sizzling in the heat and realized she hadn’t visited my cubicle in weeks . . . There was nothing you could pinpoint and say, “This is the exact moment that we stopped being best friends.” She sits back on the chair, tucking her ePad into the satchel neatly.

“Anyway . . .” she folds over her lap like a ragdoll, wrapping her arms around her knees—“you’re just doing what you have to do.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“freida. That’s what we’ve been trained to do. You have to pull your rankings back up. There’s still hope for you.”

“And what? There isn’t for you?” I ask, annoyed.

She looks at me bleakly. “Just promise me you’ll try, freida.”

The door opens and megan and the twins stomp in, their leopard-print platforms pounding on the wooden floorboards. They still have their hair in messy side braids, each of them in leather shorts with a marl-gray tank top and knee-high socks.

“I mean it. Go back and get changed now,” megan barks at the twins.

“We’ll be late for dinner!” liz and jessie whine.

“Look at you, girls.” They turn to stare at me. “So coordinated.”

“freida, can you just try and be normal for once?” megan tosses her head, her hair falling down her back like an ebony rope. Is it her voice inside my head all the time? She always seems to say the exact thing that I’m thinking about myself.

“Did you visit her just to be mean?” isabel says.

“Of course not! I was worried about you, freida, I wanted to check that you were, you know, alive.” She sits on the bed, crushing my foot beneath her. I yelp in pain, but she doesn’t move, still smiling sweetly.

“And we were bored in Isolation,” jessie adds helpfully as she and liz sit on the other side. She pulls a bag of sweeties from her clutch, cramming one purple jelly into her mouth, then another.

“I thought you said sugar was poison?” I say.

“Everything in moderation,” jessie mumbles, swallowing the sweets without even chewing. “Besides,” she says, clearing her throat, “I’m only eating purple-colored food this week so these don’t count.”

“This room is weird,” megan says, swiveling around to take in the cream-painted walls, the old-fashioned wooden bed. Her gaze rests on isabel. “That chair looks
strong
, doesn’t it, girls?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” isabel says.

“Nothing.” megan smiles. “Don’t be so sensitive.”

“You look so skinny, freida,” the twins chorus.

“Thanks.”

“Like sick-skinny, you-could-be-dying-skinny,” liz says, and jessie crumples the empty sweet bag in her hands, a guilty look on her face.

“Is that an ePad in your satchel, isabel?” megan interrupts. “Have you been on the
Daily Tale
? What’s going on with the Carmichaels?”

There’s a long pause, so long my palms start sweating.

“I’ve no idea,” isabel says eventually. “I told you, I don’t watch that show.” She takes lotion from her satchel and starts rubbing it into her hands, the smell of lavender filling the room. “But don’t worry. You only have one more day of chastisement, right?”

At the prospect of another evening in Isolation without their ePads, the three of them burst into loud chatter. liz is ranting about what a bitch angelina is. Or was it anya? jessie is talking about how this new purple-coded diet should help her lose fourteen pounds in two weeks. She’s wandered closer to the mirrors, measuring her waist with her hands.

“. . . purple cabbage . . . raisins . . .”

“. . . then she said that she had worn the blue top first when everyone knows that I had . . .”

“. . . grapes . . . eggplant . . .”

“When I asked her, she actually laughed in . . .”

“. . . purple kale . . . figs . . . plums . . .”

“. . . and that’s when the
boys
are going to be introduced.”

Everyone stops.

“What did you just say?”

“It’s going to be announced tomorrow.” megan’s eyes are triumphant as she leans in closer to whisper confidentially. “I overheard some of the chastities talking about it.”

“They’re finally coming?” I ask. “When? Are they going to be the Inheritants that we’ll be matched with? Are they going to be here every day? Are they going to stay here or commute daily from the main Zone?”

I’m firing questions at her, ignoring her air of self-satisfaction. The Inheritants come every year, but their visits are always shrouded in mystery. The eves of previous years refused to discuss it with us, and even on TV, if women ever reminisce about their Inheritant module at School, the sound goes dead so all we eves can see are moving lips.

“It’s getting so late in the year, I was beginning to think they had decided to scrap the Inheritant module,” I say, shaking my head. “When are they arriving? Are you absolutely sure?”

megan mimes zipping up her lips and throwing away the key, which means she doesn’t have a clue. liz and jessie are buzzing, talking loudly, clamoring over one another to be heard.

“Can you believe it?” I say to isabel, and only then do I notice how very pale she is.

“Are you okay?” I reach for her hand and find her skin clammy to touch.

“Awww,” megan says. “Are you scared at the thought of real-life boys? I wouldn’t worry, isabel. I doubt they’ll pay
you
too much attention.”

The three girls scream with laughter, jessie’s mouth open so wide I can see her purple-stained tongue.

“Shush, the chastities will hear you,” I say. I want to defend isabel, but I know I can’t antagonize megan and my head is hurting with the effort to do both.

“Yes, the chastities
will
hear you. I’m not sure what you girls are even doing here, considering the terms of your chastisement state that when you’re not in class, at Organized Recreation, or having meals, you are required to remain in your cubicles.
Alone
.”

“Sorry, chastity-ruth. We were on our way to the Nutrition Center and we just wanted to wish our fellow eve a quick recovery,” megan says, as full of crap as ever.

“I don’t have time for excuses, #767,” chastity-ruth says. “Leave immediately.”

They get up to leave, megan ordering the twins to get changed before dinner.

“Maybe you can borrow isabel’s smock. The two of you could fit easily in that thing.”

“Bitches,” I say under my breath once they’ve gone.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” chastity-ruth snaps, before continuing in a milder tone, “isabel, dear. It’s time for you to leave too.”

“I’m not hungry,” isabel says. “I’ll get something to eat later.”

I flinch, waiting for chastity-ruth to explode at isabel’s defiance, but she just nods her head in agreement.

“Fine. And as for you, #630, you are to report to me whenever you are in need of SleepSound. I’ll ensure you
receive an emergency stockpile to keep in your cubicle. We can’t afford any further
incidents
,” she says, her lips pinched. The Euro-Zone Doctor must have really done a number on her. “I shall expect you back in class tomorrow. You’ve missed far too much already.”

She slams the door behind her. For someone who is so quiet sneaking up on you, she sure likes to make an exit. I sag down in the bed, my limbs feeling like dead weight. isabel clucks and pulls the covers up under my chin, neatly tucking the blanket in around me.

“Don’t worry about chastity-ruth. I’ll handle her.”

“She always goes easier on you. You’re the special one.”

“I am not.” isabel almost spits the words out in fury. “Take that back.”

“Okay, okay. Calm down,” I say, taken aback. “I’m sorry.”

In the ensuing silence the
tick
,
tick
,
tick
of a clock fills the room and I yawn, my eyelids becoming heavy.

“Do you think megan is right? About the Inheritants coming soon?” I say sleepily.