Only in My Dreams (29 page)

Sara had texted Tori about it after meeting with Aubrey. “I'd only just made the decision yesterday morning. The deal came together quickly.” And then things had gone to hell at the family meeting.

“Are you happy? Is this okay?”

Happy was stretching it, but she was definitely okay. “My bank account will be thrilled.”

Mom laughed, and Sara's heart nearly burst with the joy of the sound. “That's good. But you're sure you're all right? I know how too much upheaval can wreak havoc on your system.” She moved her massaging to Sara's other arm. “Maybe you should come to France with us.”

“No.” Again, she maybe answered too quickly. She offered a smile. “I'm too invested in the wedding cottage project. Plus, Chloe and Derek's wedding. I couldn't possibly go.”

“Of course, and I'm so pleased. I've talked to Tori and Kyle, and they've promised to make sure you're regulated.”

Great, they'd be trying to baby her more than ever. Sara edged back so that Mom dropped her hand from her arm. “That wasn't necessary. I moved away from home and did quite fine.”

Shadows of concern dimmed her mother's gaze. “I know, but I still saw you regularly, and now I'll be so distant. I'll call you every day.”

Every day? “I'll be fine.” It occurred to Sara that maybe Mom needed that. She leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “You call or Skype me whenever you want. You'll be home in just a few months for the wedding. Less than that, really.”

“Speaking of the wedding, I've been looking for a house for Hayden and me and I think I found the perfect one. It has an amazing garden that I think you could adapt for the cottage at The Alex. I'll send lots of pictures.”

Sara loved hearing her Mom excited about something. It had been far too long since she'd talked about things in that way—with forward thought and hope. “That sounds great.”

“Well, I have a lot to do—so much to accomplish before we leave next Saturday.”

So soon. But it seemed to be for the best. And Sara was happy for Hayden. It had been hard to gauge his reaction last night, but he had to be completely jazzed to finally be pursuing his dream.

“Will you be around later?” Mom asked. “I want to go over some things with you, Tori, and Kyle. I know you and Tori won't be living here permanently, so I've asked Kyle to oversee some things while I'm gone.”

Sara doubted Kyle's trustworthiness, but didn't say so. But since she'd all but decided to come home, she could keep an eye on things. “Now that I've sold the business and plan to work at The Alex, I've been considering moving back to Ribbon Ridge.”

“You are?” Mom's eyes lit up. “Maybe I shouldn't go to France after all.”

“No, Mom, you should.” Sara thought that Dylan was probably right—that it would be good for her marriage too.

“Thank you for understanding and supporting me. I don't know what I'd do without you.” With a parting pat on Sara's shoulder, Mom turned and went back toward her bedroom. Since Sara'd been busted sneaking in, she adjusted her course and backtracked to the kitchen.

Tori was standing just inside the door, cradling her coffee mug. Dressed in a stylish black and aqua running outfit, she looked Sara up and down. “Same clothes
again
, huh? What am I missing?”

“Nothing. I just didn't want to bother with the winter clothes at my condo, that's all.”

Tori's blue-green gaze was skeptical. “Are you seeing someone?”

Sara was careful this time not to rush to answer. “No, but that might be nice.”

Tori laughed. “Then let's make that happen.”

“Are you offering to take me out and find me a guy?”

Tori's eyes shuttered, which was not the reaction Sara was expecting. Tori loved to go out and mingle, and people enjoyed her effervescent and witty company. She was the sort of person people liked to be around and in turn she thrived on social settings. “I was kidding. I'm off for a run. Catch you later.” She set her nearly empty mug down on the counter, put her ear buds in, and left.

Sara went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. When she closed it, she jumped. Standing on the other side was Kyle. He must've come in from the garage apartment when Tori had left because Sara had only heard the door shut once.

He rubbed his palms down his faded jeans. “Hey. I was worried about you last night.”

Sara bristled. “As you can see, I'm fine.”

“Actually, what I see is you fidgeting with the hem of your vest and the tension in your shoulders. I read you better than anyone but Mom.”

Damn Kyle for being observant and astute and for still knowing her so well. “If you're trying to score points with me, it's too little too late.” She turned to go upstairs.

“Sara, wait.” The note of desperation in his voice made her pause. She slowly pivoted. His familiar blue-green eyes, so like Tori's but framed with lighter lashes given his blond hair, were dark with some emotion. “Please stay and listen to me, just for a few minutes. Will you give me that?”

Now he wanted to talk? After all this time? Sara breathed through the anxiety crawling up her spine. “Why should I give you anything?”

He moved toward the gathering room, which was really just an extension of the kitchen. Tall windows overlooked the backyard, and a seat stretched along their length. He stood in front of the window seat with its bright red and yellow cushions. “Will you come sit with me?”

Because they were family and because she was so weary of all of the conflict here, she went to the seat. Her steps were slow, almost reluctant, but she got there eventually. He sat down and she perched a few feet away on the edge. She opened her water and took a few long swallows. The coolness soothed the tumult inside of her. “Say what you want to say.”

His lips curved into a self-deprecating smile. “You aren't going to go easy on me at all, are you?”

“Why should I? Not only did you up and leave, you basically cut us off—cut
me
off.” She looked away from him, feeling the pain of his desertion all over again. But then pain lived so close beneath the surface that even the slightest scratch opened every wound she was working to repair.

“I know, and I'm sorry. I was selfish.” He reached for her hand, but she snatched it away. She wasn't ready for that level of closeness. Not yet. “Sara-cat, I had to go.”

He hadn't called her that in years. Dad had called her “kitten” for as long as she could remember and when she'd turned ten, she'd said she wasn't a kitten any longer. That hadn't stopped Dad from calling her that, but it had prompted her brothers to tease her by calling her Sara-cat instead. Once the nickname had lost its bite, Kyle had adopted it as his endearment for her. It was the one thing he could've said to make her stop and listen.
Really
listen.

She turned toward him on the bench. “Why?”

Kyle looked down at his hands, which he'd laid palm-down on his thighs. “It's hard to be me when Liam and Hayden are who they are. And Tori and even Evan. And especially you.”

“Me?” She set the water bottle down on the seat next to her and gripped her elbows, flexing her muscles. “Why would I cause you to leave?”

He smiled at her. “Because in so many ways you're far more independent and capable than any of us. You've built a successful business—away from Ribbon Ridge—without a network of people or a support system.”

“That's not exactly true. I had Mom and Dad. And Hayden, Derek, and Alex were great.”

“Sure, but you've never relied on a group of friends, or people who purported to be your friends.” His tone turned briefly dry. “You go full speed ahead on your own power. It's amazing to behold, and makes me look kind of lame.”

Sara stared at him, not quite believing what she was hearing. He was jealous of her success? She knew he felt like a bit of a failure next to his siblings. He was the only one who hadn't gotten a bachelor's degree or gone into “white collar” work. He'd been a chef and then a bartender. “You know, we all have something that makes us different from everyone else. Something that makes us feel like the odd kid out.”

He exhaled, his eyes drooping a bit. “And no one knew that better than Alex, though I never realized to what degree. I still can't believe he ended his life. I get angry, sad, frustrated, sure, but never in a million years would I consider giving up.” He didn't sound judgmental, but like he was trying to process what none of them had been able to make sense of. “What was he like before he died?”

Sara released the tension from her arms and shoulders and dropped her hands to her sides. “If you're trying to find some sort of clues or signs to the depths of his mental illness, there weren't any. I came home almost every week to go with him and Mom to his lung appointments. He was as pragmatic about things as he'd always been.” It had been terrible for him to be sick. All of their lives, he couldn't play the sports his siblings played and he couldn't enjoy the same activities like swimming or biking. Even his bedroom was on the main floor because he couldn't go up and down stairs very easily, while the rest of their bedrooms were together upstairs. There'd been a separation between him and all of them that simply couldn't be breached.

Memories assaulted her. She peered over at Kyle who was staring somewhere in the direction of the fridge—or maybe past that toward Alex's bedroom. “Do you remember staying up late in Alex's room?”

Slowly, Kyle's lips curved up. He turned to look at her. “Of course. Watching
David Letterman
or
Saturday Night Live
.”

“Do you think Mom and Dad knew we did that?”

“How could they not?” Kyle chuckled. “Six kids moving en masse downstairs—that has to be hard to sleep through. I'm sure they thought it was great.”

Sara could feel the press of her siblings against her as they'd all piled onto Alex's queen-sized bed. A smile overtook her and warmth bubbled up inside. “I need to work harder to remember things like that. Or like the time you took me to homecoming.” She watched for his reaction.

His smile broadened. “That was so fun. Everybody came back here for an impromptu pool party.”

“And you were homecoming king.” She saw him perfectly in her mind's eye: wearing a navy suit, his model good looks seemingly made for a crown perched atop his head. He'd planned to go to the dance with a group of friends—the “in” crowd, including one of the homecoming princesses who had a major crush on him and who was crowned queen alongside him. However, when Sara's date, a friend from her history class, had come down with the flu, Kyle had changed his plans and taken Sara. She'd normally avoided the social groups that Kyle, Liam, and Tori were popular in—it had been just too hard to fit in. For that night, though, she'd felt included and like she
had
fit in.

“Homecoming king.” His laugh was a bit harsh sounding. “That seemed the pinnacle back then, but it wasn't anything really. See, I hit my peak at seventeen.”

“That isn't true.”

He arched a brow at her. “Name one remarkable thing I've done since then.”

“You graduated at the top of your class from culinary school.”

He exhaled. “Fine. There's that.” He looked at her intently, curiosity burning in his gaze. “Why did you work so hard to stay in the background when we were younger? Even in college, you kept to your very small circle and that lame-ass boyfriend of yours.”

“Mike wasn't lame-ass. He was just an ass.” Sara had been blithely unaware of his periodic bouts of cheating and less periodic drug use. She'd felt like an utter fool once his behavior had finally come to light—thanks to Kyle, who'd seen Mike on a binge in Portland one weekend. He'd told Sara the hard truth and held her while she'd cried. They'd never told anyone what had really happened, just that Sara had broken up with him. “There's a lot that we shared, Kyle. Things no one else knew or understood about me. When you left, it just . . . hurt.”

He reached for her hand again, and this time she didn't flinch. He looked at her, his eyes sad. “Can I?” She nodded, and he squeezed her hand. His touch was warm, comforting. Like home—a home she'd forgotten existed in the last months especially. “I'm so sorry I hurt you. Like I said, I was selfish, and I didn't realize how much until Alex”—his voice pinched—“died.”

“He's made all of us rethink, reassess, even change.”

Kyle looked at their joined hands. “I doubt I would've come home if he hadn't died. I hate saying that, and I probably wouldn't to anyone but you.”

She appreciated his honesty and trust more than he could know. “I think I understand.”

“Thanks.”

She squeezed Kyle's hand. “What's going on with Dad and you? Is he going to let you take Hayden's place at Archer?”

Kyle ran his free hand through his hair, ruffling the top so it stood up. “I don't know. After you left last night, he said he needed to think and left.”

“I don't know what happened when you left home, but clearly there was something with Dad.” She injected as much caring into her tone as she could, while still staying firm. This needed to be said. “And Derek. He was your closest friend and now you barely speak. Actually, you
never
speak unless you have to.”

Kyle let go of her hand and stood. He turned and faced the windows, gazing out over the yard bathed in bright, spring-morning light. “They're just as pissed at me as you were. They'll come around eventually.”

“You need to talk to them like you talked to me.”

Kyle gave her a gimlet eye. “You made that so easy. Imagine how they're being.”

Sara nodded. “You have an uphill battle. I get it. But you dug your own hole.” She stood and he looked at her. “I'll be here for you.”