Only Love (23 page)

I watched Garcia intently, surprised by how sincere he seemed. He had me, and all the others, fully engrossed in his impromptu speech when a heavily decorated military officer, accompanied by another man in dark clothing, stole my attention when they appeared in my peripheral. Without reason, my heart sank to my stomach. After the brief discussion with three cops who’d been standing by, they resorted to inquiring with residents of my building, as if they were looking for someone—someone with ties to a person in the military. Their faces were grim and I felt bile creeping up my throat, but I couldn’t look away. All I wanted was confirmation that they were looking for someone other than me. However, that hope was shot down when my neighbor’s finger lifted in my direction, singling me out of the crowd. Right away I made eye contact with the soldier…

… And then I read the look on his face.

“No… no.” With a hand to my mouth, tears were already stinging my eyes. They couldn’t have been here for me; I didn’t believe that—
couldn’t
believe that. Because if they were, then that would mean they were here to tell me Javi was…

No. They were looking for someone else.

I got out of my seat and started across the grass in what felt like slow motion when the officer came my way. My mind was focused on nothing but finding out why these men were here. As I approached them, still trying to convince myself that their expressions weren’t filled with remorse, the trace of courage that I had slipped away and my steps slowed to a dead halt. Holding his hat in his hands, the officer came the rest of the way, followed by the other gentlemen in dark clothing—clothing I could now identify as that of a clergyman. I felt like the blood had drained from my face as I tried to keep standing upright.

In those last few seconds it took for them to reach me, I rewound the last decade of my life, all the way back to the day Javi and I met. Once upon a time, all I saw was him. He loved me at a time when I felt unlovable, wanted me at a time when I felt unwanted. That mattered. We were kids then, innocent with our whole lives ahead of us—or so we thought. If that had been true, this wouldn’t have been happening now.

“Aubrey Phillips?” the officer asked hesitantly.

I gave a weary blink of my eyes in response when words failed to come out.

“We have this as the last known address for Private, Javier Ruiz. Is this information correct?” he asked.

I could only shake my head in disbelief, seeing where this conversation was headed.

“Is he…?” I couldn’t even get the words out—couldn’t believe that Javi was gone, that my baby wasn’t going to have her daddy. I knew what that was like and wanted so much more for her. Not only that, regardless of the problems Javi and I had, I still cared.

I still cared.

The minister stepped forward and placed a hand on my arm. “Is there somewhere more private we could speak with you? We tried your apartment first, but… ”

I let my hands fall at my sides and cut him off. “Please… just tell me. Tell me he’s okay.”

The men looked at one another and the officer took a deep breath. “We’re terribly sorry, ma’am, but… Private Ruiz’s… his convoy was attacked a short while ago and…”

I shook my head wildly, taking several steps away from the men. The officer paused midsentence. He looked down when tears began to roll down my cheeks. “Ms. Phillips, due to the nature of the attack… all soldiers involved have been presumed dead.”

I watched Rissa’s amazement, her tiny hands cupping mine that held the firefly I caught for her. The little bug glowed, creating a flashlight effect through the spaces of my fingers and Rissa couldn’t get enough of that. She’d kept trying to grab at my hands and eventually settled hers on top of mine. This kid was a wonder to me, both she and her mom with their effects, the ones that hit me right at the core, deep in my heart. I should have been seething by what Don said but when I thought about how it felt to hold Aubrey, see her daughter here and now playing before me, nothing else seemed to matter. No one else or their opinions. I’d built a connection with these two, hell and Gabby as well, and it was about time I let myself. I would let myself. I needed them, possibly even more than they could ever need me.

“Adam.”

One of my moms had come over, my stepmom Joan, and I smiled at her, but the alarm on her face made that leave. In my distraction, I lost Rissa’s firefly and the beginnings of a cry touched her throat, watered her eyes. I brought her into my arms, patted her back, and when she settled against me she stopped.

Standing with Rissa, I hitched her up on my side. “What’s going on?” I asked Joan but instinctually I gazed past her. I didn’t know why but I did and I instantly stopped on Aubrey. She was in my mom’s arms, Gabby’s hand rubbing soothing circles down her back, and she was crying.

I didn’t think, parting the crowd to get to her, Joan following close behind. A ringing sounded behind my ears as I studied Aubrey’s physical form from a distance. She didn’t look hurt but I didn’t know that for sure. Through further studying, I noticed two men, one official-looking with medals adorning him. I knew right away he was some division of military by his clothing, but I also noticed something else; he had his hat in his hands, gazing somberly at a crying Aubrey while she gripped a paper in her hand. Aubrey knew someone in the military. She knew someone, and now she was crying in front of two people who looked to be delivering news.

Oh, God, no.

As I got closer, the initial conclusion I created only got worse. One of the men said, “I’m so sorry to tell you this, ma’am,” the other that they’d be in contact, before moving away from her.

My mom whispered something in Aubrey’s ear and her watering eyes met mine. She went to me and with no other questions, no words, I had my arm around her. Joan slid Rissa from my arms and they both went there, right around her. Holding her, I still had no clear conclusion about what’d happened, what these men had come for and what they said, but I knew it was bad. It had to be if it was strong enough to break this woman in my arms.

I stared at Rissa hours later, pushing a block her way she reached across the carpet for. She took it, hitting it up against another and the sound caused her to giggle. I watched the glee shine throughout her little face. She was completely unaware, a happy child unaffected by loss. She wouldn’t know for a long time. She couldn’t understand for a long time.

“What will happen to her, Adam?”

I glanced over at Gabby only feet away from Rissa and me. Sitting on the couch, she sat with her textbook on her lap, open with a pencil in her hand. She’d been studying for a while now. No one told her to and no one would blame her if she wanted to do something different. I think she just wanted her mind off things and somewhere positive.

Shaking her head, she studied Rissa’s playing form. “Her dad…” she continued, looking up at me. “She never got to know him.”

Rissa sang to herself now, a wordless, giggled song as she stacked blocks. I placed my hand on Rissa’s back, smiling at her. “She’s strong, Gabby. Just like her mom. She’ll be okay, I think. She’ll be okay.”

And I believed that wholeheartedly. The door behind us creaked open down the hall and we both looked in that direction. My stepmom, Joan, did as well as she was in the kitchen, scrubbing down the bar. She’d cleaned Aubrey’s house from top to bottom, no counter or window left unturned. I think she needed something to pass the time too, and well, she was a mom and no doubt wanted to help in someway.

The person who gathered our attention came out of the hall and ultimately Aubrey’s room. I knew my mom and though she sported a look of content, it was a placeholder for her actual emotions. My stomach turned and I wanted to go in to see Aubrey right away. I resisted, though, trying to stay calm for the room. My mom’s eyes met mine first out of all the eyes in the room and I took advantage, rising up.

“Mom?” I asked her, a silent question between us. I think we all had the same question, and that was about Aubrey’s condition, how she was.

Her hand came to rest on my hair as I sat on the floor with Rissa, still her little boy even at the age of twenty-nine to her. “I finally got her to eat something,” she said, staring at Rissa while she stroked my hair. “Stubborn that Aubrey. Though I understand her appetite being gone.”

Aubrey had retreated to her room shortly after we all got to her apartment. She wanted to be strong in front of the group, but I think it was all too much. I couldn’t blame her. Together or not, that was the man she’d once invested everything in, her heart and so much more. Rissa’s dad had gone missing, yes, but had been basically pronounced dead. I got the details while I held her downstairs. His unit had been bombed, the convoy he was in destroyed. They hadn’t found him but there wasn’t much to find. That was it. He was gone.

My moms made the leftovers I cooked for Aubrey for us all for dinner the minute we’d arrived up here, going into mom mode. I was grateful for them. This was all so much. I dealt with tragedy every day, but it being so close to home… damn, it was hard. It would never stop being hard. After a while, my mom went in to check on Aubrey. We hadn’t seen her until now for an update.

Gabby stood on her feet, sliding her book onto the couch behind her. “Can I go see her?” Again, we both had the same question.

My mom’s hand on my head went to Gabby’s shoulder now. “She’s resting, sweetheart. It’s best we all leave her alone for a while. Getting her to finally relax was hard. She kept saying she had to put the baby down.”

“Oh, I can do that. No problem.” Gabby went over to Rissa in seconds. She said, “Story time, baby girl,” and Rissa instantly lost interest in her blocks, going to her when she reached out for her. That must be a ritual with the pair.

Mom touched Gabby’s hair as she passed her with Rissa. She turned before hitting the hallway, her expression solemn. “Do you think Aubrey would mind if I stayed the night, Adam?” she asked. “I wanna be around for Rissa so she can relax.”

My lips lifted. “I don’t think she’d mind at all, Gabs. You’re fine.” Though I couldn’t confirm that, I had a strong feeling. Gabby was always welcome and the help was definitely welcome as well.

She nodded and disappeared into Rissa’s bedroom. That’s when Mom said she and Joan should probably head out, no doubt knowing the fort was being held down. A worrying mom never ceased despite the fact and I only loved them for that.

Standing, I brought my arms around her, her tiny frame smelling like honey and home. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Ah, love,” she said, pulling back. Placing her hands on my cheeks, she kissed me, getting the corner of my mouth. She must have left lipstick because she lifted her hand, rubbing the smear away. I smiled at that. “Of course,” she continued. “You call us if you need anything. Anything, I mean it now. We’re here.”

Joan joined us out in the living room. Grabbing me in a hug, she said the same. “You got our number, darlin’. Use it, please? Your mama is right. We mean anything at all.”

I laughed lightly, pulling back. “I know.”

“Aw, shucks.” She snapped. “I forgot to gather the trash to take downstairs.”

“That’s fine,” I told her. “I got it.”

My mom grabbed my hand, smoothing down my arm with the other. “You do got this, don’t cha?”

Reading between the lines, I felt her words had a double meaning. In fact, I knew they had. I nodded letting her know. I did have this. I did.

The pair left me at that, and I got the trash like I promised. Before I left, I called out to Gabby. “Hey, Gabby. I’m running the trash out. Be right back.”

I listened for her confirmation. Once, I got it I ran that very trash down to the dumpster. By the time I got back, Gabby was in the living room, studying again. She must have been deep in concentration because she didn’t hear me come back in. I was being quiet so I wasn’t surprised. Not wanting to bother her, I used the moment to go check in on Rissa. Out like a light, she lay on her little belly in her crib, sleeping soundlessly.

I squeezed her shoulder lightly. She would be okay. I firmly believed that.