Operation: Endeavor (When The Mission Ends) (32 page)

Cassie snorted. “I can’t imagine any guy having issues with this kind of imagination.” She lifted the book with the tied up cowgirl on the front of it.

They all laughed, but Julie turned serious as she took another drink of her wine. “Seriously Penelope, this is fabulous. I admire you. You see what you want and go after it, no fear.”

Penelope looked at Julie in disbelief. “Did you miss the part where no one has known about this for nine years?”

“I know, but it’s not just this.” She looked down at one of the books in her hands. “You live your life to the fullest and you don’t let anything or anyone stand in your way. You grab onto life and live it.” Her eyes filled with tears as she talked.

Cassie reached across and put her arm around Julie. “Is this about Aaron?”

She nodded. “But it’s not just him. I’ve made so many mistakes with guys because I’m never willing to step up and take a risk. He asked me to move in with him and I told him I felt like it was too soon in our relationship.” She laughed bitterly before saying, “Too soon? I had no idea our time was so short.”

“Julie, you can’t blame yourself for that. There’s no way for any of us to know that kind of thing.”

“I realize that and you would have thought I’d learned my lesson the first time.”

Penelope and Cassie exchanged a look of confusion. The first time?

“I just feel so guilty. I should have told him ‘yes’… to so many things. I wasn’t fair to him. I should have been living with him. I don’t want to fear life anymore. I want to embrace it. I don’t want to have any more regrets. I want to be able to look back at my life and know I lived it like one of these heroines.” She leapt up and pounded the cover of the book she was holding which showed the heroine standing in between two gorgeous hunks.

At the looks on both her friend’s faces, Julie looked at the book and sank back down to the floor, blushing once again. “Okay, well maybe not exactly like the heroine in this particular book.” She took another deep drink of wine and went back to examining the cover. She looked at Penelope, curiosity glowing through her hazel eyes. “You haven’t ever…” She flung her hand at the cover of the book.

This time it was Penelope blushing. Both her friends looked at her in surprise, but it was Cassie who spoke in a hushed voice, “No way.”

“What? It was college. I was a theater major. The parties sometime got a little out of hand.”

Cassie looked at Julie. “Who knew the theater parties were where we needed to be?”

They both looked at her with a newfound respect. “I sure didn’t,” said Julie.

Penelope just rolled her eyes at the two of them. “It wasn’t as hot as you’d think. Honestly, I think I was just there as an excuse for two straight guys to experiment with each other.” She winked at them.

“Oh wow,” Julie muttered, “I’ve definitely been missing out.”

Colton locked the loft door behind him and leaned against it to watch Penelope move around the room. She was so beautiful. His gut tightened from just the sight of her. She’d left her wavy hair loose tonight and it tumbled down her back. As she reached over to take something off the coffee table, he could see the shadow of her cleavage and his hand tightened into a fist. He needed to feel the heat of her skin under his fingertips, but first he needed to get her to relax. It’d been a hell of a week and unfortunately, there wasn’t an end in sight.

He could see the tension radiating off her. They’d heard from Brian earlier in the evening. They’d found Hannah’s body. She’d been dumped somewhere out in the country and a rancher found her. They wouldn’t know for sure until after the autopsy, but figured she’d been dead at least a week and the signs showed that she’d died at the hand of some pretty brutal violence. Brian had no idea if this was tied to everything happening with Penelope, but they were looking at all the possibilities.

Penelope wasn’t taking the news well. She’d been really quiet since Brian’s call. It was hard for her to accept the death of another friend, especially since it all seemed to stem from something to do with her. He didn’t know what to do to ease her pain. She was hurting and it made him feel helpless that he couldn’t fix it. He thought back to their fight earlier in the bookstore. Pushing definitely wasn’t the way to effectively deal with her and he should know that by now.

She continued to putter around the room and he realized she wasn’t looking at him. In fact, she seemed to be studiously avoiding him. He frowned at the idea and approached her slowly.

When he reached her side, she finally looked at him, but she seemed wary and jumpy. He reached below her chin and lifted it up. He caressed her lips with a soft kiss, but when her lips trembled below his, he pulled back.

He had a hand on each side of her face, holding her gently so he could look her in the eye. “Hey, what’s going on? You’re not still mad at me are you?”

She shook her head mutely and her eyes filled with tears again. She didn’t say anything and her visible pain broke his heart. She stiffened in his arms before she whispered brokenly, “It’s too much. Too much risk. You need to leave before you die, too.” She tried to pull out of his arms, but he wouldn’t release her. He knew what she was doing and he wasn’t going to let her get away with it.

“Come on.” He reached down, picked her up in his arms, and carried her down the hall to his bedroom. When they got there, he kissed her softly again., “You aren’t going to get rid of me that easy. I’m not going anywhere.” He dipped his head down so that they were at eye-level. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m in pretty good shape and military trained. I’m not that easy to kill.”

She started to shake her head, but he stopped her. “If you think I’ll walk away from you, then you don’t know me very well. It’s been a long week. Please just let me take care of you tonight.”

He started to slowly unbutton her shirt but she stopped him, grasping his hand. She took it and raised it to her lips and kissed it. “I don’t know how I got so lucky to deserve you. I must have been really good in a former life.”

She looked up at him and the emotion in her eyes took his breath away. This was it for him. She was it for him. And unless he was reading her wrong, the feeling most definitely went both ways, but he didn’t want to scare her away. Penelope was skittish when it came to relationships. He needed to keep this to himself for right now

“Aw, sweetheart, you’ve been great in this life and I’m the lucky one here. Now let’s see what we can do about all these tight muscles.” He slid her shirt off her shoulders, laying tantalizing kisses along her clavicle and lower as he went.  When he had her down to just her lacy thong, he lowered her to the bed. “Turn over.”

“You’re not telling me what to do are you?” There was a distinct challenge in her voice, but her nipples were tight and her eyes were sparkling with arousal.

He leaned down to whisper in her ear, “You bet your sweet ass I am. Now do it.” He watched her chest heave and her nipples tighten even further.

She leaned back, looked at him with a touch of mischief, and then gestured to his fully clothed body. Her voice had gone deep and sultry. “How about a compromise since you seem to have me at a disadvantage? I’ll do what you say if you shed some clothing to put us on a little bit more equal ground.”

He kicked off his shoes and pulled his t-shirt over his head. He saw her take in his full erection pressed against his jeans and she started to reach toward his buttons. “Nuh uh, not yet. If those come off, things will be over way too soon. First, let me take care of you. Please, Penelope.” He leaned down to give her another soft kiss. “I feel like I’m not doing anything to help. Let me do this for you. Please roll over.”

“Okay, but when you’re done, I’m taking care of this for you.” She stroked him slowly through the denim of his jeans before she rolled over on the bed.

He chuckled low. “I’ll hold you to that.”

He rubbed down her back, easing her tensed muscles, and quickly got distracted by her tattoo. Things were always so hot and heavy between them, he’d never taken the time to examine it closely. He did that now with his hands and his lips, brushing over the soaring birds across her body. She moaned beneath his ministrations. He followed the path of the birds from her shoulder to her hip and was surprised when he found a birdcage there. He’d never noticed it before. It was smaller than the soaring birds and had a single bird within it. It was not a happy bird, small and sickly-looking, and he had a sinking feeling in his stomach.

As he looked at the cage, she tensed up, obviously realizing what he saw. He tried to sound light as he said, “You never did explain the full story behind your tattoo. Alix mentioned something about it tying into one of your books.”

She turned to look at him and he couldn’t read the expression in her eyes. If he had to guess, he would say it was cautious.

“Would you tell me what it all means?”

She nodded slowly and sat up to face him, pulling a pillow onto her lap, as if to shield herself. She took a deep breath and her eyes flashed with a vulnerability he’d never seen before. He felt a premonition of dread about this conversation.

When she spoke her voice was so low, he had to concentrate to hear it. “It’s all symbolic. My first book was called
Caging Lily
. It was the first thing I wrote and at that point in time I wrote purely as a form of therapy. When I started the book, my parents were unhappy with what I was doing with my life and I’d just broken up with an abusive boyfriend who wanted to control me.” She smiled at the thunderous look that suddenly appeared in his eyes and immediately went to soothe him. “It’s fine. That was a long time ago.” She rubbed up and down his arm until he calmed down a bit.

“Back to the book… Lily, the heroine in the book, had also been in an abusive relationship… a really bad one. Her husband in the book was a tattoo artist and he tattooed her- a birdcage with a lily inside to show her that she’d always belong to him. Like I said, it was all symbolic at the time. In the book, she met a nice guy eventually and found her Happily Ever After.” She rolled her hands. “You know, the way all good books and fairy tales end.”

She took a deep breath. “My tattoo has a little bit of a different twist to the story. Ever since that guy in college, I’ve pretty much stuck with party-guys. They were all short-term guys just out for a good time. Everyone knew the score— no long term relationship expectations. But a little over a year ago, I met someone different. He was serious and intense. Things were different with him. He was a lawyer, attentive, attractive, everything a girl wishes for when she’s a little girl thinking about her Prince Charming.”

Colton felt the tendrils of jealousy take hold and he was beginning to wish he’d never asked. This was a story that wasn’t going to have a happy ending, he could already tell. He just wasn’t sure who was going to be more devastated at the end of it, her or him.

Penelope continued. “Ever since that guy in college, I knew there wasn’t a happily ever after in my future and I was okay with that until I met Maddox. With him, I dared to dream that maybe fate held more in store for me. We dated for about three months when it all came crashing down. I should have realized before. The signs were all there, but I chose to ignore them. But somehow I must have known. Just the fact I never told Cass and Julie about him showed I knew the truth even if I wasn’t telling it to myself.”

She’d gone quiet and her head was bowed behind a curtain of golden hair. He pushed it back off her face, before asking, “What happened?”

“He was
that
guy. The one I’d worked my whole adult life to avoid. A controller. An abuser. I didn’t even know he was married until he killed his wife in a violent rage. I didn’t know until I saw it on the news. I never told anyone about him. I never let anyone know just what an awful judge of character I am. That poor woman… and it could have so easily been me. I never saw that side of him. I chose not to see that side of him and now she’s dead and he’s rotting in prison. And I got my tattoo to remind me.”

He spoke very quietly, “Remind you of what?”

Her voice was strident when she said, “I will never be that bird. I’m never going to be locked up in marriage. Marriage is a cage and I will never fall into that trap. I will never let a man have control of me that way. I will always be with the free birds, soaring as my own person.”

She looked at him and he could see the desperate plea to understand in her eyes. “The birds come over my shoulder and I see them every day to remind me. I don’t plan to ever let go of my freedom.”

“Just because someone gets married doesn’t mean you lose control of who you are or how you go about your life, Penelope.”

“No, not for everyone, but I won’t let myself be put in a position where it’s a risk. I can’t. I respect myself too much. I won’t ever give up my freedom. Not to anyone.”

And there it was, the reason she’d never open her heart entirely to him, no matter what he did or how many ways he showed her that he wasn’t that guy. His heart plummeted. She’d told him from the very beginning she wasn’t a long-term relationship girl. He just hadn’t realized until this very moment exactly what that meant for the two of them. They didn’t have a future. She was using him. He felt like she had feelings for him, but even if it was love, for Penelope that was a temporary love. She wouldn’t allow it to become more.