Our Bodies, Ourselves (75 page)
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
Though restrictions based on claims of fetal pain are growing in popularity, the best available scientific evidence indicates that a human fetus probably does not have the functional capacity to experience pain until after the beginning of the third trimester of pregnancy and that it is unlikely that pain can be experienced until after birth.
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Abortion rights opponents have created an atmosphere that is stigmatizing, threatening, and too often violent. Sometimes just identifying oneself as prochoice can feel risky. But abortion rights activists continue to fight for reproductive rights and justiceâby organizing large national demonstrations, engaging in clinic defense, conducting public education campaigns, and providing support for abortion providers and women who have abortions. See “What You Can Do,” above, to take part in this movement.
© SisterSong
March for Women's Lives in Washington, D.C. (2004)
Over the years, the fight for reproductive rights has evolved into a movement for reproductive justice, organized by women of color and allies. Reproductive justice groups prioritize the rights of the least privileged women and see reproductive freedom as part of the larger fight for human rights and social justice. To learn more and to read voices from the movement, see “Organizing for Change: Reproductive
Health and Justice.”
CHAPTER 14Considering Parenting
O
ur choices about motherhood have expanded enormously over the past sixty years. In generations past, the lack of effective birth control, along with rigid societal expectations, meant that almost all women who were fertile had children. Today, however, access to birth control, legal abortion, reproductive technologies, and adoption make it possible for more of us to control whether, with whom, and when to have children. In addition, changing laws and social mores have led to greater acceptance of women who decide not to have children, as well as of single women, same-sex couples, and other nontraditional families who seek to conceive or adopt a child.
For some women, the urge to have a baby is strong and clear:
Sometime when I was eighteen, some specific biological thing started to tick inside meâI think I actually have a memory of feeling it start, or at least of suddenly becoming aware of it. Out of nowhere came this deep hunger to be pregnant, to have a tiny living creature inside me, to experience my body going through the processes of pregnancy and childbirth. I think about being pregnant all the time, and my belly and my chest actually ache when I see pregnant people or small babies
.
Others are equally certain that children are not in the future:
I am not interested in having children at all. . . . Fortunately [I am] with someone who also doesn't want to have children. We talk about the social pressures put upon us and the judgments we encounter, and how relaxing it is to be in a relationship with someone who shares the position of not wanting to have children
.
And many of us find ourselves, at some point (or points), struggling with ambivalence:
I still debate whether or not I want to have children. Some of the reasons relate to whether or not I really want to dedicate that much of my life to children at the sacrifice of personal pursuits versus whether or not I think I will regret it or feel lonely one day for not making that choice
.
Life's realities often interfere with our desires. You may be single and not want to raise a child alone or in love with someone who doesn't want to be a parent. Limited financial or other resources may make it difficult to imagine having and raising a child. You may find yourself pregnant without having consciously made a decision to do so, or you may be infertile or have an illness or disability that prevents conception, pregnancy, or parenthood. Having more control of our fertility can give us the ability and time to think deeply and fully about becoming mothers, but sometimes, for all the consideration we give it, what occurs is the opposite of what we intended.
Children can bring joy and complexity into our lives in ways we might not even imagine. As they grow and change, we grow and change along with them. It can be wonderful sharing activities, stories, and places with our children that meant something to us when we were young. Children can challenge and inspire us to make the world a better place, and they give us a way to be part of the continuity of life. Many of us want to nurture and love children of our own and consider having a baby to be one of the richest human experiences.
I loved being pregnant, and our partnership while I was pregnant and when our girls were new babies was amazing: our emotional and sexual intimacy was intense. The feelings of joy and love and hope that I've experienced as a parent are like nothing I could have imagined
.
At the same time, being a parent involves exchanging spontaneity and relative control of everyday life for a huge responsibility, complicated schedules, and relative chaos. Juggling your needs and dreams alongside the needs and demands of your child is an ongoing challenge. You may fear bringing children into a troubled world or want to pursue dreams incompatible with child rearing. Being child-free often means more personal freedom and more time, money, and energy to invest in relationships, work, and other interests and passions.
Not having a child has given me time to pursue my love of singing and theater. It allows me to
focus on myself, which is important to me because I'm in a helping profession. I can't quite imagine seeing clients all day and then going home and taking care of kids all night. I do sometimes feel like I'm missing out on something really important, but most of the time I'm happy with my choice. I like having children in my life but not being responsible for them
.
AGING AND FERTILITY
For various reasons, including access to birth control, more career and educational opportunities, and economic concerns, more women in the United States are delaying childbearing. Today about one in five women has a first child after age thirty-five.
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Many women who try to have a baby in their mid- and late thirties or early forties have no problem getting pregnant. Yet fertility does decline as we age, and many other women struggle to get pregnant or are unable to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term. This reality can put us in a bind: We may feel unready to have a baby now while also concerned about not being able to become pregnant later. For these reasons, it's important to understand the effect aging has on chances of conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to term.
During any given menstrual cycle, a twenty-five-year-old woman has about a 25 percent chance of becoming pregnant. This percentage begins to drop in the late twenties and decreases more significantly in the mid- and late thirties, until by age forty a woman has about a 5 percent chance of conceiving per cycle.
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These statistics sound more alarming than they are, though. A younger woman is
not
five times more likely to conceive than a woman of forty; she is simply more likely to get pregnant in fewer cycles. Over the course of a year, a woman who is between the age of thirty-five and thirty-nine has approximately a 60 percent chance of spontaneously conceiving (with no fertility interventions). The rate jumps to 85 percent after two years.
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Age affects our ability not only to conceive but also to carry a pregnancy to term. Chromosomal abnormalities, the cause of more than half of all miscarriages, are more likely as we age. A woman in her twenties has a 12 to 15 percent chance of having a miscarriage each time she becomes pregnant, while a woman in her forties has close to a 50 percent risk of miscarriage.
Statistics provide valuable information on the likelihood of conceiving and/or carrying a pregnancy to term. They cannot, however, predict what will happen for any individual woman. In addition, decisions about when to try to become pregnant, especially as we get older, are often complicated by factors that have little to do with age. Many of us put off having children because we don't feel emotionally or financially ready or because we don't have a partner and don't want to be a single parent. Yet waiting means that we may be unable to get pregnant when we are ready. Recognizing this reality in no way diminishes the importance or value of education, career, or other life choices that lead us to postpone childbearing, but it places front and center how difficult it can be to make decisions and compromises about when to try to get pregnant.
Like many of the choices we make, the decision whether to have children is influenced by our families, our communities, our culture, and the society in which we live. It can be difficult to separate our genuine feelings about being a mother from the external pressure most of us feel to have a child:
I debate this question under the shadow of the mainstream media that try to scare women into thinking marriage/children is the most important thing in life. . . . People, especially women, who remain single are seen as failures regardless of how successful and fulfilling the rest of their lives may be
.
As we think about whether to parent, many questions arise. Some have straightforward answers. Others are more complicated: Does my job give me financial stability? Do I have a stable household? Is my partner or any other household member abusive in any way? What about alcohol and drugs? Are there family medical problems that might be passed on genetically? Do I have parenting skills, or am I eager to learn them? How will I juggle work and child care? If I am single, how would having a child affect any new intimate relationships? Do I have adequate health care insurance and accessible health care? What will the financial costs be? What kinds of values would I want to encourage in my child, and who could help me do this? What kind of community would I want to raise children in? Would I have support if I or my child develop a disability? Am I ready to prepare a child to deal with difficulties in life, such as racism, sexism, and homophobia? Am I too young? Do I know what I'm doing? Am I too old? What if something happens to me and someone else has to raise my child?
And that's just the start. If you have a partner, talk about the kind and amount of involvement in child rearing you each would want to have. Would one of you stay home with the baby? Would you find child care? If your partner is a man, you may want to be especially conscientious about discussing how he, too, and not just you, will be balancing parenting, work, and other priorities.
Try, too, to evaluate your emotional resources for parenting. Are there caring people around you to help you keep your perspective, your temper, your sense of humor, and your sanity in the midst of the emotional upheaval, changes, and chaos that occur with parenthood? Is there a mother or mother figures you can turn to for advice, support, and resources?
