Our Kind of Love (31 page)

Joe turned and caught her eye. In the fleeting moment before she turned away, she registered his expression change in a blink from amused to confused.

She lifted the lid from the pot of boiling water and dumped the pasta into it with a splash.

‘I think that may well be, hands down, the best pasta I’ve ever had,’ Ry declared as he threw his napkin on to the table. ‘And we’ve just come back from Italy.’

‘Damn right,’ Dan agreed and lifted his glass to Anna with a smile. He and Ry clinked glasses and suddenly everyone had lifted theirs to pay tribute to Anna’s culinary skills.

‘Why thank you.’ Anna lifted her glass and touched it to the others in turn, relieved that a swell of pride had replaced the skittishness she’d been feeling all night. Cooking? That had been the easy part. But being in the same room as Joe, kissing him, being claimed by him in front of these people? That was the hard part. Throughout the meal he’d watched her the whole time, studied her until she felt as if she might have dribbled a trail of pasta sauce on her chin. She was aware that the intensity of his gaze was something more than wanting to have sex with her.

‘Any chance we can steal the recipe for the pub?’ Lizzie asked with a hopeful look. ‘Pretty please, Anna?’

Anna laughed. ‘Of course. I’m honestly glad you all loved it. It’s simple, but so tasty. And thanks you for letting me cook. I haven’t done it in so long, I’ve almost forgotten how much I love being in the kitchen.’

Across the table Joe leaned towards her, his elbows leaning on the space between the dirty dishes and half empty glasses. ‘Why haven’t you done it in so long?’

Dan smirked. Ry laughed and Julia and Lizzie groaned.

‘What’d I say?’ Joe asked in all innocence.

‘This isn’t a press conference, Stinkface,’ Lizzie said. ‘How about throwing her a compliment about the food. You haven’t even said if you liked it.’

His eyes were on her again and damn it if she didn’t feel slightly sick.

‘It was perfect.’

Lizzie harrumphed. ‘I can see why you got stuck covering politics and never made it to the food section. Now there’s a job. Food and wine reporter.’ Lizzie propped her chin in her hand and daydreamed. ‘Heaven.’

‘I was perfectly happy covering political intrigue, thank you very much. And I was damn good at it.’

Anna needed her St Christopher’s medal and rubbed her thumb over its familiar smoothness. Joe was telling the truth. She may not have known Joe Blake or anything about his reputation a month ago, but she certainly did now, thanks to Google and the millisecond it took to find the 40,400,000 references to him on the search engine. It had been an uncharacteristically slow afternoon two days before and, in between patients and the latest articles in the online medical journal she liked to read, Anna let curiosity get the better of her and she typed his name into the search bar.

Bing
. She gave up after two pages of references to his newspaper, his awards, the two or three times he’d been hauled before the courts for protecting his sources, for the way he’d mounted campaigns on law reform and dodgy building companies. But the story that was number one on the search was a headline:

‘Leading Sydney Newsman Joe Blake Fallen Off The Map’

Anna found herself slightly offended that her home state ranked of so little important to the Sydney paper that had run the story that his return here should be characterised as him falling off the map. But putting that aside, he really was one of Australia’s top reporters. Why on earth was be making do with a job as a bartender in Middle Point?

‘Don’t you miss it?’ Someone had asked the question and Anna pulled herself up when she realised it was her.

Joe turned to her with curious eyes. ‘Yeah, I do.’

‘When are you heading back to the big smoke to find another job?’ Dan asked.

Anna found herself intensely curious about the answer but she couldn’t look at him. Instead, she picked at the tomato sauce stain on the white tablecloth.
Who has a white tablecloth?

‘I’ve got some feelers out,’ Joe said. ‘But I’m not sure if I …’ Joe stopped, stared intently at his glass of wine. ‘Anyway, enough about me. Julia, how’s the consulting business going?’

Julia seemed befuddled that the conversation had swung around to her so quickly. ‘Huh? Don’t ask me anything. I’ve got baby brain and you’re all half-pissed and you won’t remember a thing I say anyway.’

‘Is everything on track with the baby?’ Joe looked as uncomfortable as he sounded.

Julia and Ry turned to him with suspicious glances.

‘Yes, everything’s good isn’t it, Anna?’

‘Mum’s well. Baby is growing. Everyone is doing exactly what they should be.’

‘I didn’t know you cared, Joe,’ Ry said with a straight face. ‘And if you’re angling for godfather, forget it. That spot’s taken.’

‘You bet,’ Dan said. ‘I promise to teach Ry Junior all about cricket, women and pubs.’

‘You won’t get a fight from me on that one,’ Joe said. ‘The more distance there is between me and a rug rat, the better.’

Anna’s fingers flew to St Christopher. She reached for her full glass of wine and tipped it down her throat.

CHAPTER
37

Anna was relieved to have been banished to the living room while everyone else cleaned up. It was their way of saying thanks to her for the meal and although she appreciated the kindness, being separated from them only made her feel more like an outsider. She could hear their jokes and laughter, all the other evidence of their comfortable familiarity. It was hard to listen to and she needed to escape, needed to have silence in her head, not their history and their banter. She rose slowly from the sofa and slipped out the front door.

The air felt damp in the winter night yet it was strangely still. There was not even a breeze and above, the stars had put on a show to rival Broadway. Anna pushed herself up onto the bonnet of her car, drink in hand, and stared out in to the black ocean and the night sky. The evening hadn’t turned out as she’d planned. But what had she thought would happen? That she and Joe could just appear as the new couple and it would all be sweet? It had felt like pretend, instead of feeling good. Maybe this was all happening too fast. She’d only been separated for six months. What a New Year’s present that had been. And now, so soon, she seemed to be on the verge of diving into something else with Joe. For that’s what it felt like. Diving in. And now she was drowning.

What was she doing? Once she’d read all about him online, seen for herself just how important and respected a journalist he really was, she realised there was no way he would stay. Knowing all that made it much easier to say what she needed to say to him. The truth was, she couldn’t dive into anything with anyone who wasn’t sure where they belonged. Who was in between things. Who didn’t want a future and a family and children.

She’d heard his words. Had seen the look of truth on his face. It had been so hard to hear this lovely man saying he didn’t want children. But he was clearly telling the truth, living true to his credo of stripping away the bullshit.

There were footsteps behind her. She knew they were Joe’s.

‘You all right, Anna?’ He pushed himself onto the bonnet next to her. He leaned back, one hand planted behind her, so she could have rested her head on his shoulder with the slightest of movements. His thigh touched hers and she resisted the urge to rest her hand there.

‘Just needed some fresh air.’ She found a smile and aimed it in his direction, but looked away just before she felt it about to shatter into a million pieces.

Joe reached for her free hand. ‘You want to get out of here?’ The intent behind his words was unmistakeable.

Her answer had to be no.

Anna closed her eyes. ‘I think I might stay here tonight. At Ry and Julia’s.’

Joe’s grip on her hand became tighter. ‘Is something wrong, Anna?’

She took a deep breath. ‘There’s something I need to say.’

Joe watched her, his expression serious.

‘The no-bullshit agreement we talked about, agreed to, last time you were up in the city. After that engagement party.’ Anna swallowed, tried to calm her racing heartbeat. ‘Does it still stand?’

‘Of course it does.’

‘That’s good. Because there’s something I need to tell you. I know this thing between us is all new and undefined, but it feels to me like we’re heading somewhere.’

‘It feels that way to me, too.’

‘But it can’t.’ The wind had picked up off the beach in a gust and Anna shivered. ‘I need to say this before we’ve gone too far and we can’t turn back.’ Anna breathed deeply, held it. ‘I’m just going to come right out and say it. I want to have children.’

Joe was silent for a moment and then his grip on her hand weakened. And so, heartbreakingly, did his hold on her heart.

‘Right.’

Despite the chill she felt deep inside, she needed to explain. This story had to have a beginning, a middle and an end. She wasn’t going to give him a headline and then stop. He had to understand that there was always context and subtext to the story of anyone’s life. Thinking they were a headline, believing everything was black and white, was selling them short and she was so much more than a dumped GP with a baby fetish.

Joe gently let go of her hand. Anna wrapped her arms around herself, tried to ward off the cold. ‘I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve known it since I was a little girl. I was five years old when Grace was born and I used to pretend I was her mum. But it wasn’t the only dream I had. So I put it in its place while I went to university, for all the years I was single and studying, working way too hard. And then I met Alex.’

Anna looked at Joe. His elbows were on his knees, his feet perched on the bumper. His hands were joined in front of him and his head was dipped. He wasn’t looking at her.

‘And we decided to start trying.’

Joe’s gaze was dead ahead, into the darkness. ‘You and Alex. The whole baby thing?’

Anna nodded and suddenly her eyes were wet.

‘I see.’ There was a tone in his voice she couldn’t pick.

‘We’d been trying for a year. Which is funny because,’ her voice hitched on a half sob that she hoped like hell sounded like a half laugh, ‘it was the exact same amount of time he’d been screwing around.’

‘Anna—’

‘A month before Ry and Julia’s wedding, I had my third miscarriage. It was the same week I found out about Alex.’

‘Jesus,’ Joe spat out. He slipped off the bonnet of the car and stood with his arms crossed, resting against it.

‘So that night of the wedding, when we met? I perhaps wasn’t myself, if you remember.’

‘Remember?’ he said but didn’t laugh at the memory. ‘I’ll never forget it.’

‘What I’m trying to explain is, that wasn’t really me. I wouldn’t normally proposition a total stranger.’

‘I know that.’

‘That was not the real me. It was the crazy me. The sad me.’

‘I get it, Anna.’

‘But I don’t regret it. It’s been amazing, being with you, Joe. You were just what I needed, honestly. But I can’t let this go on, get any more serious.’

‘There’s the rub,’ Joe said, staring at his shoes. ‘I thought we were serious.’

‘I heard what you said in there, about keeping as far away as possible from rug rats. Life’s too short, Joe, and I’m getting too old to waste time with someone who doesn’t want what I want.’

‘So you think this has been a waste of time.’ Joe’s voice was monotone and stiff.

‘Of course not. But it will be if we go on like this. Time’s running out for me, can’t you see? I have to have a baby before I can’t. And I might already be there. I can’t ask you to want something you don’t and I can’t give up on wanting to be a mother. I just can’t. So, we have to put a stop to this – now.’

Joe paced up and down in front of her like a caged animal. Anna wiped the cold tears from her cheeks.

‘I don’t believe this.’

‘It’s the no-bullshit policy, Joe. We’re too grown up and have seen too much to pretend. We know how things like this end. I’ve had my heart broken before in a whole range of ways and I can’t do that again.’

‘Did you ever think about what I might want?’ Joe said into the wind.

‘What do you want?’

Joe stared at her blankly.

‘You don’t even know. And that’s fine for you. It’s good for you. But I’m so far ahead of you, you’ll never catch up. Don’t you want your career back? You’re selling yourself short if you stay here in Middle Point and work at the pub. How can you go from nationally syndicated and award-winning investigative journalist one minute to this?’ Anna waved her hand around, taking in the beach, the quiet esplanade, the solitude and the sleepy town.

Joe stopped pacing and narrowed his eyes. ‘You been looking me up on the internet, Anna?’

Anna felt her cheeks flush and was relieved of the darkness. ‘Well … typing “Joe Blake” into a search engine isn’t that hard, you know.’

‘So what is the interweb saying about me?’

‘That you’ve disappeared.’

‘Disappeared? Interesting.’

‘You’ve avoided this question before. But I need to know the truth. What are you going to do? Are you going back to Sydney and that life?’

Joe paused. ‘I honestly don’t know.’

‘Everything I’ve ever wanted is here in Adelaide. We’re being pulled in two different directions, Joe, can’t you see it? It’s not just having kids, it’s about us, now. I’m scared you’re going to leave.’ Anna caught her breath, her heart racing. ‘I never will.’

‘Hang on, Anna. You can’t mean it.’

‘I do.’

‘You’re willing to walk away from this, what we have, what we might have, on the off chance you might meet someone else who wants exactly what you want?’

‘I’m willing to take that risk, Joe.’

‘You know the odds of that are like winning the lotto, don’t you?’

‘That’s how much I want it. I want it so much that I’ll walk away from a man like you.’

Anna slipped off the car bonnet and reached for his shoulders, pulling him down to kiss his cheek. ‘You’re a very special man, Joe. You’ve helped me see what I want.’

‘You know that families are overrated, Anna.’