Out of My Depth (25 page)

‘Indeed,’ he agreed, and they got out and swapped places. Two elderly women were watching from a garden over the road. They stared without any shame, and when Patrick looked back at them, they were unembarrassed. They just kept staring. One was very stooped, with a stick. She was lifting her neck at a ninety-degree angle to see them, like a tortoise. The other was robust; tall and healthy with short grey hair and a creased face. The garden was meticulously cared for, with rows of vegetables and plants and not a single weed.

‘Bonjour,’ Patrick said nervously.

‘Bonjour,’ they replied, with curt little nods. They did not take their eyes off him for a moment.

He got into the passenger seat and looked over at Tamsin. She was a beautiful woman. Her glossy dark hair fell across her face. He liked the way it was cut, shorter at the back than at the front. Her eyes were big and chocolatey. Her skin was clear. And he liked her clothes. She was slender but curvy. The knowledge that the two old women must assume that he, Tamsin and Jake were a family suddenly excited him.

He got a grip on himself and hoisted a bag of cheese up onto his lap.

‘I’m sorry for that,’ he said, feeling inadequate and suddenly, unprecedentedly, infatuated. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. I just hadn’t thought.’

‘That’s fine,’ she said, keeping her eyes on the road. ‘Really. Good on you for sorting it out when you did.’ She looked at him. ‘You know, I don’t think I’m any more sensitive to drink driving than any normal person. The years have passed, you know?’

He turned and looked out of the rear window. ‘Those women are still watching us.’

‘Lucky them.’

‘Dad?’ asked Jake. ‘Are you drunk?’

‘No, Jake,’ he said firmly. ‘Just had one too many to drive the car.’

They sat in silence as Tamsin navigated the country lanes and brought them, after only two wrong turnings, to Susie’s house.

Patrick was full of trepidation about Amanda. He desperately wanted her to be happy, and he knew she wasn’t. He steeled himself to see her miserable as ever, and prayed that she hadn’t started drinking yet. He wanted her still to be in the coffee phase of her day. At some point around lunchtime, at least when they were on holiday, she invariably moved seamlessly from coffee to aperitifs. Aperitifs had the potential to stretch out until dinner, when she moved on to wine. It was a mystery to Patrick how Amanda’s body stayed hydrated enough to function. She rarely, if ever, touched water. But this was one of those things he could not ask her about. He knew that, one day, he needed to find out when, in the course of a normal week day, she had her first drink. For years, he had shied away from the certainty that she picked his children up from school after three or four cocktails. For years he had told himself that she would never be so irresponsible, which was a cover for the fact that he didn’t dare ask her. He realised this, and loathed himself.

‘Thanks for driving,’ he said to Tamsin, looking for a moment at the way her hair fell across her face, then worrying that he had looked too long, and looking away. ‘Sorry about all that. Many apologies.’

‘Sorry about my dad,’ echoed Jake.

Tamsin smiled at them both and shook her head, dismissing it.

He stepped out into the heat. It was baking, boiling, scorching. He tried to find more adjectives. It wasn’t really boiling, because that implied water. It was certainly roasting, toasty. It was like a furnace, like an oven. Like a microwave? The trouble with microwaves was that you could never know what it was like to be inside one. It was, at any rate, extremely warm.

‘It is extremely warm,’ he said to Tamsin.

She gave him a puzzled smile. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I’d say.’

Susie’s car was already in the drive. They found her in the kitchen, frowning as she arranged cheese on a plate at the same time as grilling pieces of chicken and spinning lettuce leaves.

Tamsin stopped. ‘I’m helping with lunch.’

Susie tried to shoo her away. ‘You go and sit down. I’m fine. All under control.’

‘No, no way. Come on. Let me do the salad.’

Patrick continued outside, expecting to discover Amanda drinking vodka by the pool. He strode across the terrace, seeing evidence, in the form of a copy of Elle open at the health pages, that she had been there recently. Izzy, Freya and Sam were playing hide and seek amongst the trees, for Sam’s benefit.

‘Seen Mum?’ he asked Freya.

‘Nope!’ she said. ‘Sam, I can see you! I’m coming to get you! You’d better run!’

Sam ran past him. Patrick felt the breeze as he rushed by.

‘He must be hot,’ he remarked to Izzy.

‘He’s in heaven,’ she countered. ‘Your two are being so sweet to him. They really are a credit to you both.’

Patrick was surprised. ‘Thank you, Izzy,’ he said.

He continued. Jake hurtled past him, ignored the open gate, vaulted the fence and dived into the swimming pool in one fluid movement. Patrick waited tensely for him to resurface. He did, spluttering and laughing, checking that his father had seen him.

‘Good stuff, Jakey,’ he said. ‘Seen Mum?’

‘I thought she’d be here,’ Jake said, checking the sun loungers. ‘She isn’t, though.’

‘No,’ his father agreed. ‘Oh well. Maybe she’s gone for a walk.’

There was a brief pause before father and son burst out laughing.

‘Or maybe she’s gone to the moon,’ saidjake. ‘More likely.’ And he dived underwater, and swam to the deep end. Patrick thought he might as well go and fetch that Elle, take up residence on a shady sun lounger, and keep an eye on his son.

Amanda and Roman were drinking in the attic.

‘This feels naughty,’ Amanda said, rifling through his CD collection. ‘I bet you’re the kind of guy who has a top of the range stereo and I bet you’re really obsessive about it.’

‘It’s important. But I put everything on my iPod. That’s my baby at the moment.’

‘I’ve never heard of all these people. Not surprising. We know nothing about music. We think ourselves hip if we buy a Coldplay album from time to time. Patrick bought me Robbie Williams for my last birthday but I got him to change it.’

‘For?’

‘Oasis.’

‘Hmmm.’

‘I mean, who’s this? Glove? Glove and Special Sauce-funny name. What are they like?’

Roman took the CD from her hand, laughing. ‘It’s not Glove. It’s G-Love. You’d like it. Look, I’ll put it on for you.’

Amanda picked up her drink, a vodka and cranberry juice, heavy on the vodka and light on the cranberry ‘Are you sure it’s G-Love? It looks like Glove to me. What’s the G for?’

Roman shrugged elaborately. They were both slightly drunk. ‘Drink up,’ Roman told her, putting the CD into his stereo and standing by the window. ‘They’re all home. I can see your girl outside. Your husband’s taking your magazine off the terrace. It’s time for your grand entrance.’

She giggled. ‘I’m going to feel silly. I never ever do anything like that.’ She was excited. She liked the idea that she was going to surprise everybody.

‘I know you don’t. But that’s why you’re going to today.’

The music started. It was funky and funny and it had whistling on it. She liked it. It was retro, she thought. She danced a little, embarrassed even as she did it, and downed the rest of her drink. She picked up the harness and waved it at Roman. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘Saddle me up then, cowboy.’

Roman laughed. ‘Now, that sounds like an invitation a man can’t turn down.’

Are you flirting?’

His smile froze for a second. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I’m being friendly.’

Amanda was feeling strange. She was happy, and she was enjoying herself, and she had met someone she liked. This was an unfamiliar state of affairs. She had had more fun that morning than she could remember having since . . . well, since the days of Dai. But this, she knew, could not be good. She was happy with another man, and, whatever he said, she was attracted to him. Roman was beautiful — toned, fit and handsome. He was far out of her league. She was far too fat to be flirting with him.

‘Do you adore Susie?’ she asked, suddenly. Roman squinted at her, harness in hand.

‘That’s a weird question, Amanda. Of course I do.’

‘But do you? Do you think about her all the time? Is she your ideal of female perfection?’

‘Yes, she’s gorgeous. She’s wonderful. What are you on about?’

‘Are you faithful?’ As she asked it, she wished she hadn’t.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Amanda, don’t mistake us messing around today for anything else. I can assure you there are no ulterior motives. I like it when there’s someone to mess around with.’ He thought for a moment. ‘Fuck, you must think I’m sleazy!’

‘Not at all.’ She said it too quickly. ‘Of course. I mean, for Christ’s sake, I’m married, with kids. I’m just being silly.’

‘Let’s get it straight,’ he said decisively. ‘You think I’m a complete and utter bastard. Jesus! You’re one of our guests. You’re the only one who stayed home this morning. I thought it would be friendly to get to know you a bit, and we’ve had a good time, haven’t we? I love Susie. Last night you seemed seriously uptight. This morning you’ve relaxed. You’re funny, and you’re not ashamed to be yourself. I like that. It doesn’t have to be about sex.’ He looked at her. ‘It definitely isn’t about sex. Now, are you going to abseil out of that window, or not?’

Amanda thought about it. ‘Not,’ she said.

‘Yes you are.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Yes, you are.’

‘Not.’

‘Come here.’

She rolled her eyes elaborately and let him put the harness on her. She was nervous about the idea of doing it again. It had been Roman’s idea for her to make an entrance. She was as scared as she was excited. She hoped the kids saw her.

‘All right, then,’ she said, and she climbed on to the window sill. This was the third time she had done it, and she felt reasonably competent. Roman had told her to ditch her useless gym habit and join a climbing centre. This abseiling was making her so happy that she might just do it.

‘Off I go!’ she said, with a shrill, scared laugh. Her heart thumped and her stomach tied itself in knots as she leant back. ‘Are they watching?’ she asked, too scared to look round.

‘Can’t see, you’re in the way,’ Roman pointed out. ‘Don’t worry. They’ll spot you.’

She listened out for reaction as she bounded down the wall, concentrating on the rope that was holding her up. They were silent. She remembered how scared she had been watching Roman doing this. She landed with both feet on the terrace, and turned round, exhilarated.

There was nobody in sight. She could hear Sam shouting beyond the trees. She looked up. Roman was leaning out of the window.

‘They’ve all buggered off!’ he said, half laughing.

‘Bastards.’ Suddenly, she was humiliated. She ripped the harness off, unclipped everything, and left it on the ground. Then she ran upstairs and shut herself in her bedroom.

She lay down on the bed, fuming but happy, and was still there when Freya edged nervously around the door to tell her it was lunchtime.

Amanda was chastened, but she was still high on the morning’s adrenaline. There had to be a climbing wall in Clapham. She would love to have this buzz on a regular basis.

‘Hello, Freya,’ she said, with more enthusiasm than usual. ‘Come and tell me about your morning.’ She sat up and patted the bed next to her. Freya arrived with a jump and snuggled up to her mother. ‘What was the market like? Did you go to a playground?’

Freya smiled up at her. ‘The market was nice. We were with Izzy. She helped me talk French.’

‘I know you can talk French perfectly well by yourself.’

‘Yes, but I felt shy. I didn’t think they’d understand me. Real French people. But they were sooooo nice. Izzy’s soooooooo nice. And guess what, Dad said I can stop doing maths and tap and modern!’

Amanda frowned. ‘Did he? Well, he’s wrong. He had no business telling you that.’

‘And he said Jake can stop trombone and German.’

Amanda felt her black mood descending again. Patrick was always undermining her in front of the kids. He always made her be the bad guy.

Freya continued, oblivious. ‘Tamsin said we should watch telly instead and eat chocolate biscuits. She said we need to be children. Izzy said it’s terrible that we do all the activities.’

The rage bubbled up. Amanda leapt to her feet. ‘Right. Is that what they think? I’m going to set them straight.’ Freya tried to take her hand, but Amanda pushed her back onto the bed, harder than she had intended. Freya got up again and ran out of the room after her mother.

‘They weren’t being nasty, Mum!’ she called, feebly. ‘They were only trying to help!’ But her mother was long gone.

Freya decided to avoid the confrontation she had provoked. She tiptoed downstairs and out of the front door. She felt her arms and legs getting hot and heavy as soon as she was outside. She walked quickly through the grassy front garden, out of the gate, and down the road. Then she climbed over a side gate, which brought her into the very far corner of Susie’s garden. She and Jake had spotted it yesterday, and she was pleased that she was using it.