Out of Oblivion (12 page)

I buried my face in his chest, letting silent tears fall. It amazed me he loved me despite the way I had treated him and everything that had happened.

Chapter
17

The next morning, as we sat down to breakfast, Dominic chuckled to himself.

"What?" I asked.

"So, are we a 'thing' now?"

I giggled. "I suppose we are, but I won't be your submissive."

"I would never force that on you, but I am curious. Do you even know what it means to be a submissive?"

"It's when someone forces you to do what they want you to do."

Dominic groaned. "That's what I thought. What you described is what Kurt did to you, and what he did was abuse, Haleigh. It has nothing to do with Dominance and submission as a lifestyle choice. Most people who practice this lifestyle live by a code: safe, sane and consensual. Kurt didn't give you a choice, so he took away your consent. On top of that, nothing he did was safe or sane. He had no concern for your well-being, and it's obvious he was not in a state of mind to maintain a normal, healthy relationship, much less a dynamic like that."

"Maybe, but I still don't see how it's any different whether the person agrees to it or not. It's still all about one person having power over another."

"Yes, but submissives are never forced to do anything they don't want. They agree to do it because it's what they want."

"It still doesn't make much sense why anyone would want that."

"Everyone has their own reasons. I have a dominant personality, so it's something I wanted to explore."

"Have you ever had a submissive?"

Dominic closed his eyes and nodded. "Once, but it didn't end well."

"What happened?"

"Some people will enter this kind of dynamic saying they are dominant or submissive, but either they aren't, they lack the skill and knowledge to fulfill the role, or they are afraid. My ex said she wanted to be my submissive, but instead of following my lead, she continually tried manipulating me to gain control. I loved her, and I wanted it to work, so I suggested we forget the whole dynamic and be a vanilla couple for a while. I thought if she had time to get to know me better and learn to trust me, she would feel safer. Instead, she became angry and left."

"What's vanilla?"

"It's what people in the lifestyle call a normal relationship."

Had I known he felt this way when I first met him, I could have avoided a lot of trouble. But then I hadn't taken the time to get to know him, same as his ex, so I had no room to talk. "So, if you're so willing to have a vanilla relationship, why bother with the other stuff?"

"It's just a part of my nature. Even if I'm not living it twenty-four-seven, it's a part of my personality I want to learn more about."

"I suppose it wouldn't matter for us anyway since I'm not submissive."

Dominic chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"Do you really want to know?"

I nodded.

"You display submissive behavior regularly, you defer to me and ask for my advice, and you go out of your way to make my life easier. You've been making coffee and breakfast in the morning and taking on extra chores when I'm bogged down with work."

I folded my arms over my chest. "That's just being considerate. It has nothing to do with being submissive."

"Last night you let me take control in bed."

I rolled my eyes. Dominic placed his hands on either side of my facing and kissed me hard. I melted into him, breathless.

He broke the kiss and said, "And you are putty in my hands."

"That doesn't pro—"

Again, his lips covered mine. Then he released me as abruptly as he began his assault and headed to his office. All I could do, as I sat there stunned, was watch him leave.

I became more annoyed with myself as the day wore on, and I noticed all the submissive things I'd been doing Dominic had the courtesy of pointing out. First, I went to the office to ask him what I should take out for dinner. He raised his eyebrows in an I-told-you-so manner.

"Well, you're the one who does the cooking, so it makes sense to ask you," I argued.

He grinned and went back to work without giving me an answer. I stalked back into the kitchen and grabbed the first thing I saw in the meat drawer in the freezer. I guess we're having roast beef, I thought to myself. At lunch time, I made egg salad for lunch. Dominic called me into the office.

"Would you call and order pizza for lunch?"

"I'm already making lunch."

He grinned. "I'm in the mood for pizza."

"Well, I can put the egg salad away for tomorrow. It tastes better the next day anyway."

Dominic chuckled, and I narrowed my eyes.

"You did that on purpose. You knew I was making lunch."

"Yes."

I grumbled under my breath as I stormed out of the office, put the egg salad away and called for pizza. It wasn't until after I got off the phone I realized I probably didn't need to do that since he'd only done it to prove his point, once again. Oh well, now he could wait for his lunch. I debated making myself an egg salad sandwich and telling him his pizza was on the way, while eating right in front of him, but I decided against it. I refused to resort to underhanded bitchery to get back at him.

Instead, I was determined, for the rest of the day, to avoid doing anything he would consider remotely submissive, but I failed miserably, and it had me wondering if he was right. Even Kurt had been trying to hint at the fact that I was submissive. It could be why he had been able to take advantage of me, but that couldn't be true. Maybe it was the other way around. What if my experiences with Kurt made me so unsure of myself, I needed approval and direction? That had to be it. I wasn't submissive. I needed to rebuild my self-esteem, and I would prove it to Dominic.

The following morning, instead of preparing coffee and breakfast as per normal, I grabbed myself a glass of juice and my new Twilight book. I settled on the sofa, and I was into the second chapter by the time Dominic made his way downstairs. I pretended I didn't notice. He chuckled softly as he strolled into the kitchen. I lifted my book, blocking him from my view. First he made the coffee, then I smelled bacon sizzling in the pan. Still, I kept my eyes on my book, but I hadn't read a page since he came into the room.

He sat at the breakfast nook, his plate in front of him. A second plate sat in front of my seat. Finally, I joined him.

"Oh, you're awake. Well, that smells nice."

Dominic shook his head. "Some people might refer to this as 'bratting'."

"What's that?"

"It's something some submissives do for attention."

"That's irrelevant since I'm not a submissive. I simply decided I wanted to read my book when I woke up this morning."

"If you're not a submissive, why are you trying so hard to prove me wrong?"

I opened my mouth with a retort and shut it again when I realized I didn't know what to say. He had me. "Regardless. I don't want to be anyone's submissive."

Dominic stroked my cheek with his finger. "Haleigh, just because you're submissive by nature doesn't mean we have to adopt that kind of dynamic within our relationship. It's just important you acknowledge and find comfort in every aspect of your personality. There's nothing shameful about being submissive."

"Did Kurt make me this way?"

"I don't think anyone can make another person submissive. It's more likely he took advantage of your submissive nature, which is another reason it's important for you to understand that aspect of your personality. If you know yourself and why you react the way you do, it lessens chance of someone taking advantage of you. What drew you to Kurt?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"It may help you figure out how you ended up in that situation. It might even help you make peace with it because it's clear you still blame yourself."

Of course I blamed myself. My stupidity and stubbornness allowed it to happen. I was content at this point to erase it from my memory, but I could see Dominic wouldn't let it go so easily. The last thing I needed was for him to nag me about seeing a psychologist again. If I had to talk to someone about it, I would prefer it was the man I loved.

"Honestly, at first I wasn't drawn to him at all. He gave me the creeps. When he came up to the living room that night to talk to me, I wanted him to leave."

"If that was the case, why didn't you come and get me or one of the dungeon monitors?"

I gazed at him, dumbfounded. "I didn't even consider it. The rules were technically for people attending the party, and for all intents and purposes, I wasn't a party patron. I didn't realize I could do that."

Dominic sighed. "Continue your story."

I wanted to ask if my failure to ask for help upset him, but I decided against it. "It wasn't so bad once I told him flat out I wasn't interested in BDSM. Even when we met at the cafe for coffee, and every date we had after, he never brought it up. I thought he was respecting my disinterest. He seemed interested in my career choices and…"

My face fell into my hands. How could I be so stupid?

"What's wrong?"

I lifted my head. "Whenever I asked him about himself, he was always so vague. He only ever wanted to talk about me. He asked about my friends and family, but it was to gauge my relationships. All he cared about was how easy it would be for him to break my ties with them, and I didn't see it. I believed he was interested in me."

"Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Why were you so determined to move in with him even after I had offered an alternative? Was it because you had fallen in love with him?"

Heat flooded my cheeks. He would have to ask me that. "I didn't feel comfortable moving in with him so soon. The only reason I didn't take you up on your offer was because I angry. When I got back to the dorm after leaving the diner that day and found Alexis had trashed it, so I made a rash decision. I didn't want to confront Alexis, and I wasn't sure what else to do."

"So if Alexis hadn't done that, you wouldn't have moved in with him?"

"No, I was only considering it. I hadn't made my decision, and given more time, I might have even considered your offer more carefully."

Dominic sighed again, rubbing his forehead. I couldn't take it anymore. He seemed upset and disappointed.

"I know I did the wrong thing, but I won't trust the wrong person again."

He surprised me my taking my hand in his and kissing it. "I'm not upset with you, baby. I'm upset with myself. I should have done more to intervene on your behalf, but at the time I didn't think it was my place. When I told Brant what was going on, he ripped me a new one."

"Why? I wasn't your responsibility."

"In a way you were. Kurt contacted you in my brother's home. I allowed him to attend the party against my better judgment and exposed you to him. In that respect, I am responsible."

I buried my head in Dominic's chest. "I guess we both made stupid mistakes."

"Yes, we did."

"Well, at least one thing good came of it all."

"Oh? What's that?"

"Now I understand what it means to have a man love me."

Dominic lifted me into his arms and kissed me. "I think I'll take the morning off," he said, then carried me upstairs.

Chapter
18

"I have a surprise for you," Dominic said.

I gazed at him expectantly, but inside my stomach clenched. "I hate surprises."

"You'll like this one. I've booked you in to get your tattoo and those rings removed."

"Today? It's Valentine's Day. I thought we would do something more romantic."

"Well, I made the appointment right after you told me about it. This was the earliest one I could get. Besides, we'll have plenty of time for romance later," he said, wriggling his eyebrows with that boyish grin.

I giggled and slapped his arm. "Fine."

"We can always reschedule, but you'll have to wait another month or two."

"Today is good."

"I figured as much." He winked.

Maybe it wouldn't be a romantic start to the day, but it would be symbolic. I would remove the physical marks left by Kurt on the day I celebrated my newfound love with Dominic. My first real step from erasing Kurt from my life forever. Well, not the first. With my parents' help during their visit last month, Dominic finally convinced me to see a psychologist. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Instead of focusing on every nightmarish detail of my experience with Kurt, she briefly touched on what I went through during that time to make sure I understood the difference between what he did and what is acceptable in a healthy relationship. She wanted me to learn from the experience so I could be stronger, instead of being stuck in a victim mentality.

I felt stronger from the first visit. Even my mom noticed a difference. She said I seemed lighter. It was great having my parents visit. We took them whale watching, which was a first for us all. My mom had always wanted to see a ballet, so we took her to one of those. Dominic spoiled them while they were with us. I'd never seen them so happy. It was hard watching them go, but Dominic said he would make sure they visited again real soon.

After I had picked out my tattoo from one of the several binders of artwork—a small butterfly—I sat in the chair, going to my happy place. Every moment in bed with Dominic was a happy moment. I moved into his room, but the other room was still mine. He didn't remove the bed, but he set up a desktop computer and workstation so I had a quiet place do my school work. It was harder to stay in my happy place once the tattooing started.

"I'll be able to color it in such a way, it will be like the brand was never there," Tim said.

"Great," I said, wincing. At least the pain was nothing like getting branded. It would be worth it.

Dominic held my hand tight in his, but I had a hard time believing it was to comfort me. Every time I winced, he had a hard time keeping the smile from his face. When he chuckled, I smacked him on the arm.

"Are you sure you're not a sadist? You seem to be enjoying this."

Tim leaned back and joined Dominic in a good laugh.

"It's not that. It's just the faces you're making," Dominic explained when I scowled at him.

"So close your eyes," I told him.

He sobered himself. "I'm sorry. I won't laugh anymore. Where would you like to go for dinner?"

I thought about it for a moment. Earlier that day I wanted to go out for a nice, fancy, romantic dinner. Now, after this torment, I wanted a beer. Beer and spicy, hot chicken wings. "Hooters."

Dominic gazed at me as though he wasn't sure he had heard me right. Tim raised his eyebrows, but continued his work.

"Hooters?"

"Yeah, I want to burn my mouth to stop the burning on my thigh."

Dominic laughed. "Hooters it is then."

After receiving instructions on how to care for a new tattoo, Dominic helped me out of the seat. "That wasn't so bad was it?"

"Not as bad as I thought it would be, but not an experience I'll be in a hurry to repeat."

Unfortunately, I wasn't finished. I still had to get the rings removed, and somehow I imagined that would hurt more than the tattoo. Thank goodness it was a woman. I wasn't keen on exposing myself to another man I didn't know. Plus having a man removing them might be too reminiscent of the time they put them in. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt at all. I experienced a little tugging as she removed the rings, and that was it. It was over quickly, and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal. I could wear a bathing suit without humiliation.

I wrapped my arms around Dominic, tears of joy spilling down my cheeks. "Thank you so much."

"Anything for you, baby," he said, then kissed me.

*****

The tattoo must have taken longer than I had thought because by the time we left it was almost five in the evening. Dominic gave me some ibuprofen to help with the throbbing in my thigh, but getting alcohol in me would help more at this point. After we sat down to order, I decided on something a little stronger than beer. I ordered a Scotch and Coke along with the 911 Chicken Wings.

"Are you sure you're not a masochist?" Dominic asked, a slight grin on his face.

"Absolutely not. I like my wings spicy."

Dominic ordered barbecue for himself.

"Wow, you're a wimp."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm not a wimp. I enjoy tasting my food."

"I can taste it just fine."

When our wings arrived, I relished my food in a very overzealous fashion.

Dominic laughed and shook his head. "Have you always enjoyed spicy food?"

"My mom made a lot of Cajun, Indian and Thai food when I was growing up. I got used to it."

He took one of the spicy wings from my plate and took a tentative bite. I could tell he was trying hard to keep a straight face, but then he took several big gulps of beer after he swallowed the chicken.

"Tasty, but I think I'll stick to barbecue," he said after clearing his throat.

I rolled my eyes, and whispered, "Wimp."

*****

We didn't drink to excess, but neither of us was in any condition to drive, so after we left Hooters, we went for a walk on the boardwalk. The sun was descending into the horizon beyond ocean, giving the sky and water a pinkish glow. It was hard to tell where the sky ended and the water began. It was the most beautiful sunset I'd ever seen.

Dominic and I walked hand in hand, away from the crowds of couples who had the same idea. When we were relatively alone, he stopped me, holding me in his arms.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he said and kissed me.

"Back-atcha."

Dominic chuckled. "How are you feeling?"

I gazed at him, confused by the question. "Fine."

"I mean about the tattoo and having the rings removed."

I grinned, resting my head on his chest. "More than fine. I'll never be forced to look at that wretched brand in the mirror again, and my girlie parts are normal again."

"I don't know," Dominic said, a sly grin spreading across his face. "Piercings in the nether regions have their uses if done right."

I stepped back, gaping, but he chuckled and pulled me back into his arms. "Did you like them?"

"Not the way he did it. If it were me, I'd have piercings done that would enhance your pleasure, and mine." He stepped back. "Speaking of pleasure. Let's get home, so I can give you your gift."

"I thought the tattoo and stuff was my gift."

"I've been looking forward to having your 'girlie parts' free, so I could have fun with them, and I intend to have fun all night long."

I bit my lip as he led me to his car, the anticipation warming my girlie parts.

*****

When we got home, Dominic wasted no time in leading me straight to the bedroom. "Get undressed."

"Shouldn't I open my present first?"

"It's not wrapped, and I want to surprise you another way with it."

I groaned, but I undressed. "I hate surprises."

"You'll like this one."

When I finished undressing he had me lie on the bed.

"Cover your face with a pillow. I don't want you peeking, and I know you. You'll peek."

I gasped in mock indignance as I sat up and folded my arms over my chest. Dominic chuckled and pushed me back down, throwing the pillow over my face.

"No peeking. Trust me. When you hear it, you'll have a hard time not looking."

Hear it? That piqued my curiosity, and I was already having a hard time keeping myself from looking. I pulled the pillow tighter to quell the urge. Being blind to what was going on sent a thrill of fear through me. Kurt had often blindfolded me to add to my terror when he was punishing me or tormenting me for his own amusement. But Dominic wasn't Kurt. I repeated it to myself. He would never hurt me.

A buzzing sound made me gasp. I almost threw the pillow to the side, but I didn't want to ruin this for him. He said I would enjoy it. Dominic must have sensed my anxiety because he gave my hand a squeeze.

"This is all for your pleasure," he told me. "It won't hurt, but it might be intense, so if it gets to be too much tell me and I'll stop."

"Okay," I said, my voice muffled by the pillow.

He nudged my legs apart, and before my imagination could paint a picture of horror, vibrations sent waves of pleasure through me. Instinctively, my hips lifted toward my source of gratification. Within moments, my body exploded, and I threw the pillow to the side. Dominic held what looked like a massager. Another orgasm was already building and before I knew it my entire body shook with pleasure.

"No more," I cried out.

Dominic removed it and turned it off.

"What is that thing?" I asked, once I got my breath back.

"It's called a Hitachi Magic Wand."

It was magic. I was definitely in for a long night, and I was looking forward to it.

*****

Dominic might not have been a sadist, but he loved tormenting me in the most sensual ways, and he enjoyed being in charge in the bedroom. That was something I could live with, especially since the more control I gave him regarding our sex life, the more I learned to enjoy sex again. No one had ever fulfilled me in that aspect of my life. With Kurt it had been the opposite. The more control he took, the more hollow I he left me. He had been sapping my life away. Dominic was filling me with an abundance of love and life.

Still, outside of the bedroom, my life seemed unbalanced. I found myself not wanting his control to stop. At first I thought it was just the sex, but then I realized it was much more than that. It was the stern gaze he gave me in the bedroom when I played hard to get, which always sent a thrill through me. It was the tone of his voice, the way it calmed me and made me feel safe when something from my past would come back to haunt me.

While walking to class one day, I bumped into Bekka. "Do you think we can have lunch today without Jason? I need to talk to you about something and it's kind of personal."

"Yeah, sure."

"Will Jason be okay with it?"

Bekka smiled. "I'm sure it will be fine."

We met up at the bistro that afternoon.

"Jason's having lunch with some of his friends. He said if Dominic is being an ass, he'll beat him up for you."

I laughed. "No, Dominic is great, but it sort of is about him. Well, more about me, maybe. When he takes charge in the bedroom, everything is so perfect. But then outside of the bedroom, I feel lost. It's like he's a different person with me. He goes from being super intense and in control to being laid back. I'm not sure what to do."

"Have you considered the possibility you're craving his dominance outside the bedroom too?"

I shook my head. "No, it can't be that. I mean. I can't submit to him like that."

"Why?"

"It would be too much. What if he wanted me to do something I didn't want to do?"

"Does he make you do things you don't want to do in the bedroom?"

There had been times he had suggested things he wanted to try with me. Sometimes I was curious, and I'd let him try. If I didn't like it though, he'd stop right away. And if I said no right from the start, he never pushed it. I had no reason to believe he would be any different outside the bedroom. "He doesn't, but I'm still scared it might be too much like it was with Kurt. I need some control in my life."

Bekka sighed. "You can't keep comparing him to Kurt. They are two completely different people. Dominic loves you, and I doubt he would ever do anything if it made you uncomfortable… at least in a bad way."

"I know. It's just… I don't know." I shrugged. "I guess I don't know what to expect and it scares me. What's it like with Jason?"

"Well, he's laid back, like Dominic. We don't live together though, so it might be a lot different for you two. Jason doesn't have a lot of rules for me, but I imagine things will change when we move in together."

I quirked an eyebrow at the grin she wore. "And when is this happening?"

"If everything goes well, we'll be getting an apartment together within the next two months."

"Oh, Bekka. Congrats!"

"Thanks, so what about you? Don't change the subject."