Out of Reach (7 page)

Emily

“What do you think happens when we die?” I turned to Seth, my eyes searching his. I didn’t want the truth; I wanted comfort. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay.

It was Monday afternoon, and we lay on the deck, staring out at the sea. The gray, overcast sky looked threatening as the waves crashed over the rocks, sending a foamy mess racing along the sandy bank. It was such a beautiful place, but at the same time the formation of the rocks and the way the water collided against them with angry fury was scary. Unpredictable. Kind of like how I was feeling.

Seth breathed out, his face creased, his blue eyes clouding over as he thought about my question. I studied him for a moment. There were so many little details about him that I’d never noticed, like the way his jaw twitched when he was deep in thought, or the way the left side of his mouth rose higher than the right when he smiled. And had that dimple always been there? Because I hadn’t noticed how cute it made him look when he laughed. I looked back out at the water.

“I don’t know, Em. I think there is something else after all this. I think that we come back and get to start over, and spend our lives looking for that one special person again.”

“You think there is only one person for each of us?” I asked softly. The thought made me sad. If that were true, then I’d never know love again. I’d never experience that rush of excitement of new love.

Anger bubbled inside of me. Who cared whether or not it was true? I didn’t
want
anyone else. I wanted Andy.

Seth shrugged. “I don’t know. But I think we know when something is right. And that’s what we look for. The feeling that nobody else in the world can compare. That without this person, your life is worthless, it has no point. I think you can have that more than once in a lifetime.”

I nodded numbly. I didn’t believe in anything. I’d lost too many people I loved for me to believe that everything happens for a reason. I snuggled closer into Seth’s shoulder as I thought about life and living, dying and death. Maybe I was destined to be alone. Losing the people I loved was too painful. Maybe it was easier to shut myself off than to risk going through this all again.

My fingers traced the cover of my notebook, the leather soft and luxurious against my touch. I glanced down and stared at the three words embroidered onto the front.
Hope. Love. Happiness.
I’d thought it was a sign when I saw it in the window of the gift shop. Who knows? Maybe it had been.

Seth glanced at me. “What do you write in that?” he asked. “I never see you without it these days.”

I handed it to him. His eyes widened as he took it, staring at it for a moment before flipping it open.

“It was Andy’s idea,” I explained. “That I write down one happy memory each day, so that when . . . after . . . I’ll have all these amazing memories to look back on.” I peered over his shoulder to see which one he was reading: the night I passed my final exams. I smiled at the thought.

He chuckled. “I’d forgotten about that night. I think that was the only time I really ever saw you drunk. As in, so drunk you could barely function.”

“That’s because you and Andy kept refilling my glass. I thought I was on my first wine, when in reality I’d had about ten,” I exclaimed. “My memory of that night is surprisingly pretty clear.” I giggled.

“So you recall the prank calls then?” He laughed.

I cringed and groaned. Unfortunately I did. He and Andy had gotten me so drunk and then dared me to prank my professor. Which of course I had—ten times—pretending I was in love with him. The worst part was the professor was actually married, and a really nice guy. Or so I’d thought.

“That was your fault,” I grumbled, my face heating up at the thought. “You knew I wouldn’t be able to turn down a bet.”

“I was pretty impressed you were able to pull it off. You actually got him to agree to meet you for sex.”

“Don’t remind me,” I cried, laughing. Not that I would have ever gone through with it, but it did make retrieving my graded assignments off him the next week extremely awkward.

“
That
is why I don’t drink. Because I’m too easily influenced by you and Andy.”

“Bullshit. You’re too competitive, is more like it,” he teased, nudging me.

I glowered at him, knowing he was right.

“And then Andy ordered fifty pizzas with extra sausage to be delivered to Professor Walton because he gave him less than a perfect score.”

“Oh God, the look on his face when he opened the door,” I cried, tears streaming down my face. “And I still can’t believe you guys made me hide in the bushes outside his house.”

“But it was worth it.” Seth chuckled. “I’d never heard him use so many cuss words before.” He shook his head, his eyes clouding over. “We had some good times, didn’t we?”

I nodded. We had. The best times. When the three of us got together, anything could—and usually did—happen.

“I might just go and check on him,” I said, getting up. I walked back inside and made my way to his room. Every time I walked down that hallway a knot formed in my stomach. Seeing him only reminded me how sick he really was.

I pushed open the bedroom door. He was still sleeping. Quietly, I crept around to the side of the bed and pulled back the covers, climbing in next to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist. He stirred, mumbling incoherently. I reached down for the second blanket that lay at the foot of the bed. He was so cold.

Covering him, I gently rubbed along his arms, trying to warm him up. His breathing—shallower and faster than usual—was beginning to sound congested.
I hope he’s not getting a cold.

I laughed bitterly, the irony of my thought hitting me.
He’s dying of cancer and I’m worried about him getting a cold.

The all too familiar pang of anxiety began to consume me.
No. Focus on good thoughts. Do it for him.
Sitting up in the bed, I opened my notebook and began to write.

First day at Delton Middle School, January 2000

Starting a new school halfway through the school year sucked. Especially when the teacher decided it would be all sorts of fun to make you stand at the front of the room and talk about yourself. I was sure she got pleasure out of watching my discomfort.

“Uh, hi,” I began, rubbing my sweating palms together. “I’m Emily Callington. We just moved here from Los Angeles. My dad is a police officer and we move around a lot.”

Apparently this was where we were settling down. Why did it have to be here, in a town where I knew nobody? What was wrong with L.A., where all my friends were?

I moved to sit down. The teacher put her hand up to stop me.

“Tell us something about you, Emily.”

About me? My heart thudded so loudly it was all I could hear as I struggled to think.

“I like the
Gilmore Girls
,” I offered, my voice small. The class sniggered. “I also like N*Sync.” More laughter. The teacher nodded, excusing me.

I practically ran to the only vacant seat as the teacher continued with the class. Everyone was staring at me. I slumped down into the corner seat in the back row, my heart sinking. This place sucked. I was going to hate it; I could just tell.

At lunchtime, I sat by myself outside the cafeteria, only because eating inside meant eating alone and having everyone talk about me. At least out here I could pretend I was invisible. I opened my lunch bag and pulled out my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“Hey.”

I looked up. Two boys were standing in front of me. I recognized them from my class. I smiled shyly. What did they want? Knowing my luck, they were here to make fun of me. Because I needed my life to be more difficult right now.

“I’m Andy.” The dark-haired boy flopped down on the bench opposite me. “That’s Seth.” I smiled at the other boy, who smiled back. My heart fluttered as I took in his light-brown hair and blue eyes. He was cute, and the awkwardness he had about him made him even cuter.

“I’m Emily.” But they already knew that.

“You want to hang out with us?” asked Andy. I nodded. They seemed nice, and it beat eating alone. I gathered up my lunch and followed them inside.

“Over there
—
they are the kids that think they’re better than everyone. Try to avoid them.” Andy glanced around. “And those kids are the weirdos. That’s probably where you would’ve ended up if it wasn’t for us.” He smirked, his dark eyes full of humor.

“You two seem pretty weird to me,” I shot back. Seth laughed as Andy narrowed his eyes at him.

“What? She’s right.”

Andy turned back to me. “If you’re going to hang out with us, you have to follow a few rules.”

I crossed my arms across my chest
. Rules? I hated rules.

“Like?” I asked suspiciously.

“Like no talking about the
Gilmore Girls
, for starters. I hear enough about that stupid show from my mom. And on Sundays we skateboard down by the beach, so you’ll need to do that too. And you better like Xbox.”

“I prefer PlayStation,” I said.

I didn’t. I didn’t even own a video game, but I liked arguing with Andy. It made him angry, and he was cute when he was angry.

He sighed. “Okay, whatever. You want to come over to my house tonight?”

I nodded shyly. “I’ll have to check with my mom, but that sounds good.”

From that first moment, they’d accepted me. What could have turned out to be the worst few years of my life had turned into the best because I’d met Seth and
Andy.
The three of us were inseparable, with every spare minute spent together. I thought I’d had friends in the past, but everything else paled in comparison to the relationship I shared with Seth and Andy.

I closed my book and lay back on the bed, a smile on my face, my fingers tracing along the spine of my notebook. I had so many great childhood memories, all thanks to those two. I often wondered how different things would’ve been if my parents had decided on a different town, or a different school.

Friendships like ours were rare. They didn’t come along often, so when they did you had to make the most of them. The uniqueness of ours was we were like three pieces to a puzzle; it didn’t feel right if one was missing.

If I believed in soul mates, then that’s what we’d be, all three of us. If I believed things happened for a reason, then I’d believe I was meant to meet them, that our friendship was an unavoidable certainty. But I didn’t believe in all that. Because then I’d start to question why all
this
was happening
—a
nd what I had done that was so bad that I deserved to lose every person I held dear to me.

And then I’d wonder how long would it be until I lost Seth too.

Seth

By Thursday afternoon, Andy was feeling well enough to get out of bed for short periods of
time which
he, of course, took to mean he was well enough to leave the house. Even Marta couldn’t convince him to take it easy.

“Maybe you should take another day to rest,” Marta suggested. I nodded, thinking exactly the same thing.

“Sorry, guys, but you’re not getting out of this one. Besides, everything is all booked.”

I groaned and shut my eyes. I didn’t even want to know.

“Oh, before I forget.” He grinned widely as he handed Em and me each an envelope.

“What is this?” I asked suspiciously.

“Open it and find out.”

I slipped my finger along the length of the silver envelope, slitting it open. Inside was a folded piece of paper. I opened it and read.

“You’re having a wake?” Em said in disbelief. I snuck a look at her. She looked hurt. And angry. Really angry.

“A live wake.” He nodded proudly. “For this Saturday. I’ve invited all the guys from college, and a few other people. Nothing big, just something I would rather do while I can enjoy it, rather than when I’m in the ground.”

I cringed. I hated it when he spoke like that. “Is this on your list?” I asked, skimming the details. My eyes widened as I read the last line. “Fancy dress? Come as your favorite terminal illness? You’re
got
to be fucking kidding me, man.” I groaned. That was so . . . morbid.

“What?” He chuckled, obviously enjoying my reaction. “Don’t you remember all the parties we had in college?”

“The parties
you
had. At our place, while
I
tried to study over the noise,” I corrected him. “And yes, I remember. How the hell could I forget you and your fucked up parties?”

“So this shouldn’t surprise you, then,” he said, winking at me. He turned to Marta. “You’re welcome to join us, too.”

“I honestly cannot think of a worse way to spend my Saturday night,” she replied, her voice sour. Andy rolled his eyes and turned to Em, who had said nothing for the last few minutes. She stood up and walked out of the room.

I wanted to go after her and make sure she was okay, but it felt weird. Andy should be the one checking in on her, not me. I waited until it was obvious he wasn’t planning on doing that.

“Dude, I think she’s upset,” I said.

He shrugged. “So go check on her.”

I stared at him, shocked by his indifference. What the hell was going on with him?

“Marta, can you push me out to the deck,” he muttered. She nodded and walked around to the back of his chair. I watched as she pushed him outside, then came back in and closed the door behind her.

“What was all that about?” I muttered, more to myself than her.

“The cancer is eating away at him, Seth. These personality changes are common with late-stage cancer. Go and speak to Emily. Make sure she knows that this isn’t about her. It’s just the progression of his disease.”

I nodded. It made sense. The cancer had changed his physical abilities so much, but it hadn’t occurred to me the effect it would be having on his brain. Kicking my chair back, I stood up.

I found Em lying on her bed, staring at the wall, clutching her notebook to her chest. Her face was wet—tear-stained—her dark hair floating freely around her face. I sat down on the bed and reached out, gently swatting aside strands of her hair.

“Em, are you okay?” I asked, my hand resting on her shoulder.

“It’s like he’s
trying
to make this harder,” she whispered. “I feel like he wants to hurt me.”

I sat down and scooped her into my arms, sitting her up next to me. “Em, when he’s like that it’s not Andy talking. Cancer is fucked up and it’s not fair. But you’ve just got to remember that he loves you, and would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”

She smiled, her arms tightening around me. “I know. And I know it’s selfish of me when he’s the one dying, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to say, or how to act. I just feel like I’m the mess and everyone is trying to hold me together.”

“And that’s okay,” I whispered, kissing her temple. “Because nobody is denying that this is just as hard for you to go through. Andy will die and you’ll still be here. The world won’t stop moving, even though you might feel your world has. That’s an incredibly hard thing to work through.”

“When my parents died, it was you and Andy who got me through it. I just don’t know if I can do it all over again.” She turned to me, her eyes wide with fear. “What if I lose you too?”

I held her close to me, my heart breaking for her. If only she knew how much I loved her, and how I would do anything to make her feel happiness again. I’d give everything for this girl. I’d give my life if it meant seeing her smile.

“I’ve told you, I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”