Out of Reach (9 page)

Emily

I knocked lightly on the door. Seth looked up as I walked in and smiled. I forced a smile back. Andy was sleeping, just as he had been all day. The morphine really knocked him around. When he was awake, he was delusional and confused. One moment I’d think he didn’t even recognize me, and the next he’d say something that convinced me he did.

Seth stood up, kissing me on the head as he walked past.

“I’ll be out there if you need me.” I waited until he had walked out before I made my way over to the bed. As I sat down, his eyes fluttered open. He stretched his fingers out, wrapping them around my hand. I smiled, blinking back tears.

"Sorry I snapped earlier," he mumbled.

I crawled onto the bed and into his arms, desperate to be as close to him as I could.

"It's okay." I closed my eyes and let him hold me. The feel of his fingers gently stroking my bare skin was almost enough to make me cry. I’d miss this the most.

Lying in his arms, his body up against mine, I took in the sound of each shallow breath. His skin was cold and clammy. I snuggled against him, trying to warm his body. Tears pricked my eyes. I wiped them away as they began to roll down my cheeks.

“Em,” he whispered in my ear, pulling me closer to him. “Don’t cry. I hate seeing you upset.”

“I’m sorry, I just . . .” There was nothing for me to say.

He kissed my cheek, his soft voice soothing me as he held me. “I’ll always be with you, Emsky. No matter where you are, or what you’re doing, I’ll be right there with you.”

“I don’t want to do anything without you.”

He chuckled softly. “Em, the world doesn’t stop turning just because I’m not in it.”

“My world does,” I whispered.

He kissed my cheek. “Come here,” he said.

I did, collapsing into his arms as they wrapped around me.

“You need to stop this.
You
aren’t dying, Em. You have to promise me that you won’t stop living just because I’m gone.”

I didn’t answer. He didn’t want me to give up, but I wasn’t sure if I could make that promise to him. I sighed and closed my eyes, pretending we were back home.

“You’ll never be alone, Em. Seth will always be there for you.”

“I know. But it’s not the same.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t love him like I love you.”

“He loves you.” He spoke softly, his words so gentle they almost floated past me unheard. Almost.

“I love him too—”

“No,” he muttered, “He really loves you. He’s
been loving
you for eleven years. Every day, just like I have . . .” He had drifted off again. Placing my hand on his chest, I watched it rise and fall. What was he talking about? Seth wasn’t in love with me. I would’ve picked up on that.

He’s just confused.
There was no way that could be true.

“Come on Andy, stop messing with me.” I pressed my lips together, studying his face for a reaction.

And then I saw it: the way his eyes wouldn’t meet mine. It was only for a brief moment, but it was long enough for me to realize it wasn’t a lie. I laughed and shook my head. This couldn’t be happening. I turned and ran out onto the deck, bolting down the stairs and out toward the beach.

“Em, wait!” Andy’s voice carried through the house.

I ignored him and kept running, because I couldn’t handle this right now. My boyfriend was dying, and his best friend—
my
best friend—was in
love
with me? This wasn’t fair.

I was so angry with both of them, and I was angry with myself. Because deep down, no matter how much I wanted to ignore it, there was a part of me that was in love with him too.

Emily

He’s in
love with me.

I felt so deceived. Like our whole friendship was based on one big lie. How could he have not told me that he was in love with me?
And for such a long time?

I slowly began to piece together the last fourteen years. Every little action, every word spoken, had it meant something more than I thought it had? I pulled out my notebook. Wiping away tears, I opened it and began to read, desperate for any kind of positivity right now.

Homecoming dance,
August,
2005

We hadn’t intended on going to the dance, because dancing sucked. Instead, we had an exciting night planned full of horror movies, popcorn, and Seth’s big-screen TV—until Seth’s mother insisted he take Cheryl
Barmosh
, the daughter of one of her friends, who had been dumped by her boyfriend the night before.

So suddenly I had a date with Andy, and nothing to wear. I sat down on my bed, almost in tears. The worst part was I had nobody to talk about this stuff with. Four years ago I wished my mom would stay out of my life. Now, I’d have done anything to have her back.

I think part of the reason I avoided things like dating, dances, and other girly things was because it hurt too much not having her around to share those milestones with.

“Are you okay, sweetie?”

I looked up and saw Deb smiling at me.

“Yeah, I’m just . . .” I broke off as the tears began to fall. She rushed over, her arms wrapping around me. “I have to go to this stupid dance and I have nothing to wear.”

“Oh, Em. It’s okay. We’ll find you something.” She stood up, holding out her hand. “Lets go shopping.” I smiled and took her hand.

I’d been living with the
Graysons
since my parents had died. I had no other family, and had it not been for them I would’ve ended up in foster care. I owed them everything. Deb tried her best to be there for me, but she could never replace my mother, or mend the guilt I still felt over my parents’ death.

I stood in front of my mirror, bittersweet emotions racing through me. I couldn’t believe the girl staring back at me was actually
me
. The deep-green chiffon dress highlighted my curves, accentuating my figure. My hair was curled and pinned to the side.

Walking out into the living room, I felt my stomach twist into a bundle of nerves. Andy had never seen me in anything other than a pair of jeans. I wasn’t even sure he knew I was a girl. My heart leapt to my throat as he turned around.

His eyes widened as he saw me, his mouth falling open. I blushed at his reaction, secretly pleased that he obviously liked what he saw.

“Wow,” he muttered, walking over to me. “Is that you?
Holy shit, Em.
You look beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, my face red. Deb and Karl stood by the door. She winked at me as we left and I smiled my thanks to her. As we walked out to his car, he took my hand. His fingers weaved between mine, and tingles shot down my spine.

Over the last few weeks, we had been getting closer. I’d convinced myself it was all in my head, that he couldn’t possibly see me as anything other than a friend, but the way he was looking at me right now? I wasn’t so sure . . .

“We’re here,” he said, turning off the car. He made no move toward the door; instead, he turned to face me. My heart began to race as he smiled, his lips pressing together. He looked like he wanted to say something. “Do you want to skip the dance?” he asked, his voice soft. Color flushed through his cheeks as he waited for me to respond.

“And do what?” I asked. My gaze dropped. I wasn’t sure why I felt so shy all of a sudden.

“We could have dinner. Or go to the beach. Whatever you want,” he said.

“Let’s go to the beach,” I decided. The way I was feeling right then, food was the last thing on my mind. Satisfied with my decision, Andy start the car and drove away.

We walked along the edge of the water. My shoes dangled freely from my fingers as the waves crashed gently over my toes. Neither of us had spoken since we left the car. I had no idea what he was thinking until he reached for my hand again, his fingers brushing gently over mine.

“Did I mention you look beautiful tonight?”

He stopped, pulling me up against him. I stared into his dark eyes and smiled. Was this really happening? He reached up, his finger brushing aside a stray curl, his eyes never leaving mine.

“I’ve wanted to do this forever, Em.”

“Do what?” I whispered as his lips moved toward me. His hand caressed my chin as he pressed his mouth against mine. My world stopped as he kissed me.

My first kiss.

Seventeen, and my first kiss, and it was with Andy, the boy who had been my rock for the past few years. It was perfect. He pulled away and smiled at me as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“This is much better than the dance.” I giggled. Leaning forward, I pushed my lips against his. He moaned softly as my fingers raked through his thick, curly hair.

“God, Em,” he muttered. “I’ve wanted this for so long. I’ve wanted you . . . but I didn’t think there was a chance. I didn’t want to risk our friendship.” Hearing him say that made me shiver.

“You should have said something.” I giggled. “Because this . . .” I kissed him again.
“.
. . could’ve been happening so much sooner.”

We spent the next three hours sitting on the beach, exploring each other. It was surreal. I’d known him for so long, yet at that moment I realized there was so much about him I didn’t know; so much I wanted to know.

Finally, things were coming together. The universe was on my side for once.

I closed the notebook and kicked off my shoes, crossing my legs up under me. The sand was wet, but I barely noticed. How could such a special memory precede one of the worst moments of my life? Because it was just two weeks later that he was first diagnosed and my world fell apart for the second time.

“Em?”

I stiffened as I looked up and saw Seth approaching. Anger bubbled inside me as I jumped to my feet, my hands balled into tight fists at my side.

“How could you?” I yelled.

“What’s wrong? What’s happened?” he asked, his expression bewildered.

“Andy told me you’re in love with me. Tell me he’s
lying
, Seth. Tell me you wouldn’t keep something like that from me.”

He dropped his gaze and my heart sank. He couldn’t even deny it. I wanted him to laugh, to tell me that was ridiculous. I wanted him to reassure me that nothing was going to change, because him being in love with me changed everything.

“I can’t believe this,” I mumbled, my hands flying to my head.

“Em—”

“Don’t touch me!” I shrieked, jumping back. Had everyone known except me? Maybe I was acting irrationally, but I didn’t care. I felt so used.

“What do you want me to say, Em?” He threw his hands up in frustration. “I don’t get why you’re angry. Is it because I’m in love with you, or because I didn’t tell you?” He grabbed hold of my shoulders and forced me to look at him. I stared at him, searching his eyes for the answers to the questions I didn’t even know. This changed everything. We could never go back to how we were. How could I look at him in the same way, knowing how he felt about me?

My heart raced as he closed in the space between us. His lips, centimeters from my own, moved toward me and I was frozen; I couldn’t move.
He’s going to kiss me.

Holy shit, I
wanted
him to kiss me
.

At that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to feel his lips pressed up against mine. Shivers ran down my spine just thinking about it.

“Just leave me alone,” I said, jerking away from him.
I almost let him kiss me.
How could I have done that to Andy?

“Em—”

“Go!” I yelled. I pushed
him,
watching as he stumbled backwards, shock resonating on his face. Collapsing to my knees, I hugged my arms around me and stared out over the water, refusing to acknowledge what had happened . . . what had almost happened between us.

“Fine,” he muttered. He stalked off back in the direction of the beach house. I watched him go, confused by how I was feeling.

Fuck them. Fuck both of them for changing everything.

Seth

I can’t believe he told her
.

What the fuck was he doing? My body shook while I stalked across the sand and back into the house, the cold air burning my lungs as I slammed the sliding door shut.

“What do you think you’re doing, man?” I asked, storming into his room.

His eyes fluttered open, and he looked at me in confusion. I had woken him, but I didn’t feel bad. The only thing I cared about right then was Em and how much she hated me.

“What are you talking about?” he mumbled, rolling over. He winced, his eyes full of pain as he tried to sit up.

“Just don’t. Stay there,” I said, lowering my voice. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself down. Being angry wasn’t going to fix anything. I just wanted answers.
What was he doing?

“What’s wrong?” he asked. Then it was like a light bulb went off in his head. He nodded, pressing his lips together. “Em. She told you I told her, didn’t she?”

“Why, Andy? Why the fuck would you do that?” I cried, sinking into the armchair. I cradled my head in my hands, trying to figure out a way to make this all better. How could I look after her? How could I be there for he if she wouldn’t even look at me?

“She loves you,” he said, as if it were that simple. “I’ve always had a feeling, and these past few days, seeing you two together, I finally realized it.”

“You’re fucking kidding. That’s bullshit.”

Andy laughed, anger filling his dark eyes. “You think I want this, man? You think I don’t hate myself every day for having this stupid disease? You think I don’t hate my body for not being able to fight harder? I do.” His gaze fell to the floor.
He can’t even stand to look at me
. “But right now I hate you more. Because in a few days, maybe a week, I’ll be dead, and it’s you who will be there for her.”

I shook my head. It didn’t make it right. Sure, cancer sucked, and it wasn’t fair, but he was messing with the people he was supposed to care about.

“You can’t do this, Andy. You can’t just play with peoples’ feelings and lives just because you’re dying. It’s not fucking fair.” I stormed out of the room.

“Hey, where are you going?” he called after me.

I grabbed my keys and walked out to my car. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing. I just needed to get away.

***

I drove into town and parked next to the beach. It was raining, but I didn’t care. I barely noticed as the thick droplets of water fell down on me. Just when I’d thought things couldn’t get anymore fucked up, they had.

I was so angry.
Not only at Andy, but at myself, too.
Fourteen years was a long time to pine over someone who didn’t feel the same way. If I’d just forced myself to move on and forget about her like that, then none of this would be happening right now. But that was the fucking problem: she was all I thought about.

I’d tried moving on. Watching her and Andy together for all those years was something had almost broken me. I’d been with other girls. I just always ended up back at Em.

Andy’s words rolled over in my head. She was in love with
me
? I snorted. Yeah, right. As if I hadn’t wished for that every fucking day for the last fourteen years.

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I walked over the bridge and down toward the edge of the water. I sat down on the wet sand, pulling my knees up in front of me and resting my elbows on my knees.

The beach was deserted, no doubt due to a combination of the bad weather and the fact that it was almost dinnertime. Taking my jacket off, I balled it up and placed it behind my head as I lay back and stared up at the sky. I had no desire to go back there anytime soon. Facing Em was something I didn’t even want to think about.

She couldn’t have feelings for me.
No matter how hard I tried to forget his words, I couldn’t. They were stuck there in the back of my mind, clouding over my every thought. How did shit get so messed up? I thought back to when we were all just kids: no cares, no worries. Things had been so much easier.

I closed my eyes; I just wanted to forget everything. Just for a moment. I wanted to be a normal guy who wasn’t in love with a woman he could never have, and whose best friend wasn’t dying. I shook my head. What was I going to do without him? He had been the center of my life for so long. How was I going to go on without him? I’d spent all my time worrying about how Em was going to cope, but what about me? If I had to be strong for Em, who was going to help me through this? Was our friendship strong enough to survive Andy’s death?

Not that it mattered anymore: she hated me. Every time she saw me she would be wondering what my intentions were. We could never go back to the way things were before.

***

I was freezing. I opened my eyes and breathed in sharply, inhaling a mouthful of sand. I coughed and sat up, confused as to why I was passed out on the beach. I looked around me, the only light coming from a nearby
dimly-lit
streetlight. I struggled to my feet and grabbed my jacket.

Shaking the sand from it, I zipped it up, trying to get some warmth into my body. I walked over to my car and climbed in. The clock shone brightly in the darkness. It was after midnight. I still wasn’t ready to go home. I pulled out my phone. A text from Deb sat waiting to be read. Shit. I’d completely forgotten about our earlier conversation.

We are on our way. Please let me know if anything changes. Deb xx

Shoving my phone back in my pocket, I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes. I just wanted to sleep. And maybe when I woke up, things wouldn’t be so bad.