Out of the Blackness (14 page)

Sam’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head. “What are you talking about? Avery, I would never not want you around! You’re my little brother! Jeez, I wouldn’t know what to do if you weren’t here with me.”

I want to believe him. I want that so much, but his words don’t explain his obsession with Noah and me. And there’s Kira, too. I hug myself tighter and shake my head. “What about Kira? I know you want to marry her. Then I’ll be on my own. I can do that, Sam. I don’t need or want Noah to replace you. I’ll be able to take care of myself, I promise.”

Sam sighs as I cry and I think for the first time that I could actually hate him, not like I hate Carl or Tommy, but I could definitely hate him for doing this to me.

“Whoa, sailor, just slow down a little. Finally you’re making sense.” Sam draws his hands down his face like he does when he’s completely exhausted and heaves another sigh. “Well, sort of.” He stands and crosses the room to place his hands on my shoulders. I try to shrug him off, but he won’t have it. “Listen very carefully, okay?” he commands, his voice that soothing tone that always calms me. When I nod he continues. “Yes, Kira and I will probably get married someday. I haven’t asked and we haven’t talked about it lately.” I stare at his torso, halfway down, letting the rhythm of his even breathing steady me. “But we have talked about you. We’re agreed that you always have a home with us, Aves. There is no way I would ever not want you to be with me if that’s where you want to be. I love you, in case you’ve forgotten. You’re as much a part of me as my right arm. Besides, we figure Uncle Avery equals a built-in babysitter when the time comes.”

Sam’s finger under my chin tilts my head back and I hesitantly meet his eyes. “As for Noah, I can see he likes you a lot. I think it’s more than just like, but I don’t want to freak you out any more right now. And, Aves, I know you like him, too. Kaleb says he’s a good guy, and I can tell he treats you well, or he would if you’d let him. You deserve to love and be loved. Yes, in that way.” I cringe and he laughs softly. “So if I’m pushing you toward Noah, it’s not to get rid of you. It’s because I can see the two of you could be happy together, if you would let him in.”

Again, I shake my head. “That’s not possible for me, Sam. You know it’s not.”

“I don’t know anything of the kind and neither do you.” He looks at me for a long moment during which I try to convey to him with my eyes everything I can’t say with my tongue. Sam knows me, knows my history better than anyone. He should understand exactly why what he’s proposing cannot happen. That’s not who I am; it’s not part of my destiny. I’m not fated to be some character in a gay romance novel-like love story. As much as that hurts—because wouldn’t that really be nice?—I know I’m much more like the Beagle dogs laboratories keep in kennels for testing purposes. My purpose is much more to be used and abused for someone else’s enjoyment than my own. Finally Sam sighs, seeming to deflate just a little. “At least try to be his friend, Avery. You could always use another friend, especially one who makes you break out in random fits of giggles. Promise me you’ll try.”

Hesitantly I nod, wondering what the heck I’m thinking. For all Sam’s good intentions, we both know that a distant friendship is all I’m capable of where Noah's concerned, and that might even be stretching the limits of my abilities.

“Good,” he answers with a smile and pulls me into a tight embrace. Sam places a kiss in my hair and squeezes me once before he lets go to look me in the eye. “Remember I love you, little bro. When there’s nothing else in the world you can count on, you’ll always have me. Nothing and no one will ever change that, okay?”

I smile around fresh tears. “I love you, too, Sam.”

He grins and steps away. “I know you do, buddy.” On his way out of the kitchen he swipes a few more pieces of fruit from the bowl. I just shake my head and resume chopping walnuts.

Alone in the kitchen I ponder Sam’s words. He was as genuine as I’ve ever seen him, but I’m still not sure. The fears of abandonment and rejection are almost overwhelming at times. As far as I know, Sam has never lied to me, but his interest in seeing Noah and me together is far too convenient to only be about finding me a new friend. My hands shake with uncertainty so I abandon the last of the unchopped walnuts, throwing them in the waste bin. The last thing I need is to lose a finger because I can’t stop thinking about Noah Yates.

Even after the conversation with Sam, I know with certainty that I have to recommit to making this therapy thing work, and that I can’t let my fears ruin the day. With great determination, I shake off my melancholy mood. There will be too many people around today; I have to make the best of it. Thankfully I’ll have a few hours to get myself under control since Noah won’t be here until late afternoon. We’ll have lunch without him since he isn’t sure when he’ll be able to get away from his family.

Kira arrives just as I’m putting the apple-banana salad in the refrigerator to chill. She gives Sam a glancing kiss on the cheek and hurries into the kitchen, her arms full of dishes, grocery bags swinging dangerously from her arms.

“Aves!” she exclaims upon seeing me. “I brought those cinnamon apples you loved at Thanksgiving.”

“Thank you,” I say with a genuine smile, helping her unburden her arms.

“You’re welcome, sweetie.” She groans in relief as the last of the bags make it to the counter. “I brought pumpkin and apple pies, extra cool whip, the cinnamon apples and enough potatoes to feed Dublin.” She winks at me and I can’t help but laugh.

“That’s terrific. We’ll make a shepherd’s pie kind of thing with the leftover turkey and potatoes. That should feed us all for a week or two since Sam bought the biggest turkey he could find.”

Sam wraps an arm around my neck and runs the knuckles of his other hand over my head playfully. “Hey. A man provides for his family.”

I poke him in the ribs, the only sure way to get away from him when he has me like this. He skips away and puts Kira between us, his hands on her shoulders keeping her as his shield.

She eyes me carefully, her smile almost frozen in place. I can tell she’s waiting for me to break down. I’m used to Sam’s ribbing, though, so we’re all safe from an outbreak of melodrama. I smile back at her and point to Sam with what I hope is a threatening expression. “Sleep with one eye open, big brother.”

***

After the Kira as Shield episode, I retire to a long, hot shower, trying to repair the damage the conversation with Sam has done to my psyche. I am relieved to realize I truly believe he spoke the truth, that he doesn’t plan to get rid of me or pawn me off on Noah as I’d suspected…. But I can’t let that change my plan. As much as he says Kira is okay with me hanging around after they get married, I know I’ll be in the way. Marriage is for two people, not two people and a damaged little brother who isn’t even blood relation. Under the hot spray, I reaffirm my decision to work with Kendall Moorhead to get healthy enough to handle life on my own, even if that means therapy for the next twenty years.

The afternoon passes at a snail’s pace. Kyle, Kira’s single brother, arrives shortly before lunch is ready. He’s a great guy with a fun sense of humor, so I almost welcome the distraction. He and his twin Kaleb have always been good to me. When I’m at the go-kart track and Sam’s racing or off doing something else, one or both of the brothers hovers in the near distance or keeps me occupied somehow. I know Sam and Kira have explained some of my history to them, but I don’t mind. Kyle’s like another protective brother to me, where Kaleb flirts unmercifully but harmlessly. I’d forgotten Kyle was coming over today, though, so seeing him at the door surprises me. Their parents have decided to take a long overdue second honeymoon cruise to the tropics, so all three of the siblings are on their own. Kaleb and his boyfriend took the opportunity to go to Josh's parents in Florida for the holiday.

The first few times I’d met them, Kaleb’s flirtation freaked me out, but Sam assured me it was just hiss way of being friendly. As we spent more time at the track and I was around Kaleb more, I understood how true Sam’s statement was. I’d lay odds Kaleb didn’t even realize he was flirting with me. Still, I am relieved it’s Kyle who’s spending the day with us and not Kaleb because I just couldn’t handle his particular brand of holiday levity today.

Kyle musses my hair as he walks in with a couple of six-packs of Sam Adams and I smile up at him. “I’m glad you could come, Kyle.”

“Me, too, squirt. And I’m really glad Kaleb and Josh won’t be here. I get enough of his ugly mug at work.” He winks to show he’s joking so I decide to play, too.

“I thought you were going to say ‘in the mirror.’”

He pretends to scowl, but ends up laughing. “I think I liked you better when you didn’t speak.”

I smile innocently and step back as Kira comes to give her brother a hug. Then it’s all kinds of craziness as Sam takes the turkey out of the oven and the three of us start transferring food from their pots and pans into table-ready serving dishes. Kyle watches from the doorway, sipping his beer, a bemused expression on his face.

At last we all sit down at the table and watch with amusement as Sam tries to carve the bird with his brand new electric knife. After the third time the blade grinds to a halt scant centimeters past the crisp golden skin, Sam yanks it out of the turkey and tosses it in the trash. Grabbing old-fashioned hand-powered knives from the drawer behind him, he glowers at the trash bin. “I don’t get it. I watched the people at the group home use those things every year and they never had a problem. Remember, Aves?” At my nod, he physically shakes off the memory and brandishes the new manual cutlery. “Never fear! We shall have succulent dead bird slices momentarily!”

“Nice,” Kira rebukes with a shudder.

Sam merely grins back at her and attacks the turkey with both knives. After he’s practically dismantled the thing and passed around white or dark slices, he puts the remainder of the carcass back on the counter and fills his plate. I feel almost guilty that I made Kira put the Orange Fluff back in the fridge, but I made it for Noah. It wouldn’t be as special if all the rest of us had already taken gigantic helpings of it—and that is the only way to eat that, in gigantic helpings. It’s far too good to show restraint.

Sam, Kira and Kyle carry on a lively conversation filled with sibling teasing. I content myself with the food and listening to their banter. Sam’s turkey actually is succulent, not dry at all like I’d feared after watching the knife’s blades stall repeatedly. Those glow in the dark apples are just as delicious as I remembered from a month ago. My apple-banana salad is crunchy goodness, the potatoes are whipped to buttery perfection, and Kira worked wonders creating the gravy.

All in all, life’s pretty good at the moment. Especially since Sam and I have cleared the air about Noah and Kira. I don’t know how she could possibly want to share a home with her husband’s not-even-adopted little brother, but if Sam says it’s true, then it is. He has no reason to lie. And that thought brings my mind back around to Noah Yates. Just because Sam wouldn’t lie about him and Kira doesn’t keep his little theory that Noah and I could ever be anything but friends from being sheer insanity. Heck, I’m not even sure I can handle a friendship with Noah.

He is so…huge. His presence, his personality, his physical body are all out of proportion to me. I’m the small guy who fades into the background, the one who hopes no one notices him. Noah is the big, beautiful man who draws everyone’s eyes like an irresistible magnet. He doesn’t mind being the center of attention. In fact, I suspect he rather likes it. He handles the spotlight and people well, even me. He’s insanely charming, ridiculously good looking and undeniably sexy. In short, he’s way out of my league, even if I wanted to play, which I don’t.

But still, there’s something about him that makes it impossible for me to tell him no, some small
something
that draws me to him. The man can’t even cook himself a proper meal, for Pete’s sake. I’d never have suspected that sort of not weakness, really, but something akin to it, from Noah. He’s so enormous and muscular and he obviously takes care of himself. But it
is
nice to know the man isn’t as perfect as the package appears. Oh, lord, his package. That’s a whole different thing I certainly can’t afford to think about. Yet somehow, my treacherous mind already has a picture of what the man looks like naked … and ready. A thrilling little tingle buzzes down my spine at the image. I realize I’ve gasped audibly when the dull background noise of the conversation abruptly stops.

I flush mightily, as if the other three can read my thoughts, and furtively look at each of them through my long bangs. Sam’s wearing a smirk but the other two are gazing at me expectantly.

“What?” I ask, hoping to confuse them all.

Sam bursts out laughing and I feel my cheeks flame again. “Did you really tune out that entire conversation?” he asks.

I look down at my mostly empty plate, unsure of the best answer. “I guess I did. I’m sorry. Did I miss anything important?”

Sam’s smirk returns full force. “Kyle was just telling us about a good friend of his who works at the kart center sometimes. He’s been mooning over some guy for weeks, but the guy won’t give him the time of day.”

I look back at my brother, waiting for the point.

“Well, this friend told Kyle yesterday that there’s finally been a breakthrough. Apparently he’s been invited to spend today with the guy he’s been going crazy over.” He looks at me hopefully.

I glance over at Kira and Kyle who wear matching smiles. I frown and shake my head a bit to clear the fog still there from that image of Noah naked. And wet now! Oh, lord, what’s wrong with me? “And?”

Sam cocks his head at me, a confused look on his face. Our expressions must match because I have no idea why he felt the need to tell me about one of Kyle’s employees. “It’s Noah.”

“What’s Noah?”

Sam laughs. “The guy, Avery! Kyle’s employee is Noah. And the guy he’s been mooning over is you!”

Slightly panicked, I look to Kyle for confirmation. His huge smile is all I need. I feel light-headed and slightly queasy. “Noah's just—I’m—” I gulp lungsful of air and pin my gaze on Sam’s. “Friends,” I whisper around the rising panic.