Out of the Blackness (18 page)

Sam gets up from the table and ruffles my hair on his way past me. “I’m gonna go take a shower. You’d better get ready. Kaleb’s party starts in an hour.”

“Sam….”

He stops in the doorway and pins me with a look. “Don’t even start with that, Avery. You promised Kaleb you would go.”

I hang my head. A party, any party, is the last place I want to be, even though he’s right; I did promise Kaleb. “Fine but I’m taking my own car. I don’t want to be there all night.”

“Nope. We’re cabbing it tonight, champ. Neither one of us is driving on Amateur Drunk Night.”

I nod. “Good point.” He grins and heads down the hall. “But you’re paying!” I shout after him.

I turn back to the dishwasher and load the pans I used earlier to make Noah's lunches for the rest of the week. I still can’t believe I let them all rope me into it, but it actually feels good to be doing something for him—for someone else, even if he is paying me for it. Of course, I’ll never, ever admit it. Okay, maybe on my death bed when everyone else is too deaf with old age to hear it.

***

For all the money Kira’s family has, Kaleb’s quaint little house is just that—small. He and Josh bought the house together as their second anniversary present to each other. They chose it, Josh told me once, because it had a big beautiful back yard they could entertain in and rooms small enough to feel cozy. It’s also a post-war craftsman, so of course I fell in love with it the first time I stepped into it and noticed that glorious old house scent. I felt instantly at home, which never happens outside my own home. In fact, it took several months of living in our apartment before I stopped feeling like a guest in it, even though Sam and I moved in at the same time. Or I should say we moved him in, I carried in all of my worldly possessions in a duffle bag and my spanking new bedroom set was delivered by a furniture store—not the one Noah now works at.

At New Year’s Eve, of course, it should be too cold to utilize the back yard Kaleb and Josh love so much. But they live for gatherings like this, so there are six tall outdoor heating towers spread evenly around the yard, bringing the brisk thirty-three degree night air up to a comfortable level. When Sam and I step through the back door, the first person I see is Noah.

He breaks into a broad grin and waves at me but continues his conversation with a man I don’t recognize. I wave discreetly back at him, feeling a heat not from the towers rising inside me. I try to convince myself it’s just embarrassment, but even I’m not buying it. Since the touch of his flesh on mine on Christmas day, he is practically all I can think about. I know it’s pointless and insanely scary, but I can almost feel my flesh reaching out to him, wanting to feel that frenetic flash of desire again. I won’t let it happen, though. At least, not while I’m awake. Just as I can’t control the nightmares that I cycle through every few months, I can’t help that I’ve woken with his name on my lips more than once in the last six days.

Determinedly, I shake off those thoughts and follow Sam through the yard to greet Kaleb and Josh where they hold court in a very cutely designed seating area tucked off to the left side of the yard. Though they’re not near one of the heating towers, the small group is kept warm by a blazing fire pit. The flickering light from the flames seems to alternate highlighting first Josh, then Kaleb and then the two of them together as they lean close to share a private joke. Perhaps because they’ve been together since long before I met them or maybe because such things have never been so forcefully at the forefront of my mind, for the first time I wonder what their story is, how they found each other and became a couple.

Sam starts to call for their attention, but my hand on his arm stops him. He looks down at me curiously, but I just incline my head toward the couple, hoping Sam will follow my wordless lead. As I really watch Kaleb and Josh together for the first time, it’s the little things that strike me. The way Kaleb’s hand drifts to Josh's knee and gives it a light squeeze. How Josh reciprocates with a caress along Kaleb’s back when he leans forward to laugh at a photo on someone’s iPhone.

It’s the way Kaleb leans back against Josh's chest without appearing to ever question that his man will be right there to catch him that finally cinches it for me. This is what real, true love between two people looks like. It’s not the constant tension or the begging for forgiveness or the threat and follow-through of physical violence that characterized my mother’s relationship with Carl. I cannot imagine any situation where these two men would raise a hand to the other.

The shiver that races down my spine is not from the cold. No, it’s from the quite unexpected fire of longing that flashes to brief life deep in my belly. Even before I fully recognize what it is, I snuff it out with a firm reminder that this is not meant for me. I can and will take vicarious pleasure from Josh and Kaleb’s happiness but I cannot and will not be fool enough to allow myself to want something similar for me.

I make myself shrug off the encroaching black mood and step forward to get the couple’s attention. Josh sees me first and, flashing a big smile of welcome, nudges Kaleb.

“Avery!” he exclaims, springing from the bench to engulf and lift me into a spinning hug. With Kaleb, flirtation and exuberance are always right at the surface, waiting for any reason to burst forth.

I laugh and slap at his broad, muscular shoulders. “Put me down, you nut.”

He does and holds me at arm’s length by the shoulders. “Aves, you look terrific. Happy New Year, buddy. Would you like a beer or some wine or something?”

“I’m fine, really,” I assure him, hoping he’ll let me go soon. Several people I don’t know have taken in the show and are staring openly.

“Okay, well, it’s time to refill the cooler anyway. Why don’t you come with me and lend a hand.” Kaleb smiles in that wicked way he does and I surrender to the inevitable. He grasps Sam’s hand and pulls him into an affectionate, brotherly hug. “Hey, Sammy. Good to see you, bro. Sorry about bailing on Christmas, but Josh wanted to go to Florida to see his parents. Hey, he’s got a beer or two left. Claim my seat and make him give you one. Aves and I will be back in a few.”

Sam laughs a “Sure thing, Kaleb,” even as Kaleb wraps a long arm around my shoulders and turns us happily back the way I’ve just come.

Inside the house it’s warm, cozy and quiet. In the kitchen, Kaleb’s demeanor changes from almost hyper to calm and relaxed. It’s clear the house soothes him in the way that being off-stage must relax an actor. Kaleb gestures to the table, so I take a seat. He opens his beautiful French-door refrigerator and pulls out two Sam Adams. He pops the tops and offers me one of the bottles. I’ve probably had a total of ten beers in my life, but I accept this one with thanks and a smile.

Kaleb sits across from me and takes a quick sip. “So talk to me, stud. What’s going on?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t know. I just got here.”

“No, no. Not here. I’ve got that covered. What’s going on with you? I haven’t seen you in a while, well not to actually have a decent conversation with you.”

I smile, wondering how long he’ll let me get away with it. “Nothing’s new. I go to work and come home.”

Kaleb begins to peel the label from his bottle. “See, that’s not what my sources are telling me at all. I hear one of my best friends is enamored with you and even spent Christmas at your house.”

I shrug. “I’m not encouraging him, Kaleb. I don’t know that he wants anything more than friendship from me, but if he does, he’s not going to get it.”

Now Kaleb frowns. “Really? That’s a real shame, Aves. You’re a sweet, lovable guy and Noah is one of the best men I know. He would definitely treat you right. You could do much worse.”

Hastily I defend Kaleb’s friend. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. Noah's shown himself to be a good guy so far. But Kaleb…” I look to my lap where I hold the untouched beer tightly with both hands. Any more pressure on that sweating bottle and it’s likely to shoot up like a rocket. Deliberately, I loosen my grip until the danger is abated. I feel ashamed to have to say this again for the second time in a week, but what I told Sam on Christmas Day is still true. “I can’t be who he wants me to be. It’s just not me.”

“Who do you think he wants you to be?” Kaleb questions quietly.

“I don’t know. Someone like you or like Josh.”

Kaleb takes that in for a moment before responding softly. “Avery, it’s not my story to tell, but when I met Josh he had been through some really horrible things. He didn’t turn up in my life just like the guy you see now. It took a lot of hard work for him to put all those things in the past and to learn to live in the present. Even now he has occasional bad days when it all sneaks back up on him. But he knows now that he deserves to and can be happy.” I look up to see Kaleb smiling sweetly at me. “I suspect that’s something you still have to learn, but trust me: you deserve it, too. When you really come to accept that, there’s no one in this world who will be better at reminding you and showing you than Noah.”

I smile sadly and nod. “It’s not that easy, Kaleb. I wish it were. I wish I could be normal, but I’m never going to be.”

He exhales air through his teeth. “Normal is relative and not exactly a goal I aspire to. I hate to sound all Hallmark-slash-Army, but we all just want you to be the best Avery you can be. Sam and Kira and Josh and I care a lot about you, Aves. We would love to see you happy because you deserve it. Noah sees that, too. All I ask is that you don’t write him off because you don’t think you’re worthy of the big lug’s love, because you really and truly are.” He smiles at me and puts his now empty bottle on the table. “Now give me that beer before it gets too hot to drink.”

Blushing brilliantly and blocking a barrage of thoughts, I gratefully hand him the bottle. “Thank you for the talk, Kaleb. I’ll think about what you’ve said, but I really can’t promise anything.”

“That’s all I can ask, buddy.” He takes a swig of the beer and grimaces. “You’re just a little heater, aren’t you? I think I just wasted a beer!”

A few minutes later, Kaleb goes back outside to play good host, but I stay behind to gather my wits. It seems everyone wants to see me happily coupled with Noah Yates. Everyone but me, that is. Yes, he’s a dead attractive guy. Yes, he seems to be a genuinely nice person. Yes, I feel pulled toward him, but meteors are pulled to the moon, too, and look how that turns out for either of them.

Despite Kendall’s words from our last session, deep in my soul I know that Carl and Tommy and Mom are all correct. Nothing in my life thus far has disproven them. Even if a tiny piece somewhere deep inside me still wishes that fact were untrue, the rest of me knows better. So what possible good would it do me or Noah to even pretend to entertain the idea that we could be more than friends? I wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to be in a romantic relationship. Worse than that, though, is the thought that stops my breath and kick starts my heart: Noah would want to have sex. With me. Sex with me. The phrase reverberates around my brain painfully.

No, no, no! I bury my face in my hands and fight against the panic. I picture open sandy beaches and never-ending oceans to stave off the trapped, claustrophobic feelings. My breathing comes in shallow, rapid-fire lurches around my palms. I can’t think about that. I cannot deal with the images of Noah's gigantic naked body atop mine, surrounding me, pinning me down, invading me, smothering me. Unable to hold back the panic, I stumble through the dining and living rooms, past the front door and out into the middle of the front yard. I stare up at the sky, arms extended from my sides, feeling the slight breeze rush over the fabric. Impatiently I push my sleeves up over my elbows, allowing my skin its fill of fresh air. Eventually, my mind blanks out into a black void and I lower my tired arms to my sides, hugging them around me to ward off the sudden chill.

Some small noise directs my attention back to the house. Noah sits there on the steps watching me, his long muscular arms wrapped around his knees. I hadn’t noticed them when I saw him earlier, but now the moonlight reflects off a pair of stylish eyeglasses. Their presence changes his face from pure jock to square-jawed intellectual jock. It’s a stunning transformation, one that sends tingles through me. I hate that my body is so physically aware of him. It’s a betrayal to my brain, which screams “run,” to have my body yearn for just the opposite.

“How long have you been sitting there?” I snap churlishly.

Noah's lips twitch upward. “Not long.”

I stand my ground, a brave guy fifteen feet away from him. It’s my head start if things go wrong. “Why are you spying on me?”

He nods, as if agreeing he deserves that. “I was afraid Kaleb had upset you. Looks like I was right. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” Why does he have to look so amazing? He’s all decked out in yet another turtleneck—cream colored this time—and brown slacks. The sleeves hug his huge biceps and strain against mile-wide shoulders. I’m sure his square pecs and flat stomach will be beautifully highlighted when he stands. And those pants are without question cut to show off his below the waist assets. No matter how much I fight it, the very sight of him sends forth the tingles again.

Noah grins. “I see that. So what did Kaleb say to start you down Panic Attack Boulevard?”

“Nothing.”

“Can I guess?”

I shrug, not sure what else to do. I don’t want to talk about it, but I can’t pull myself away from this man either. It’s a ridiculously confusing mental space to be in, unable to go but unwilling to stay.

“I’m going to venture Kaleb wanted to talk to you about us. He wanted to throw his support behind the ‘Noah and Avery as a couple’ idea, right?”

I nod, the bad juju rising again.

Noah sighs. “I thought so. Why does that idea scare you so much, little one?”

“You don’t know me,” I croak around my suddenly restricted throat.

“I know you well enough to know I like you a lot. I know you’ve been through some very troubling, very traumatic things in your past. I know you carry scars inside and outside. But, Avery, you’re a beautiful soul. When I’m with you, I can’t get enough of you. When we’re apart, you’re all I think about. I can’t get you out of my head. And, honestly, I don’t want to.”