Outcasts (21 page)

H
EDY HELD ON TO
her sister, Aliz, feeling that as long as they walked arms linked, nothing could happen to them. No one could separate them. Herded and rushed as they were, they barely had a chance to think or react to everything that was happening around them. To cope, Hedy let her thoughts float away to memories of Tibor. Like a drug, his image and scent, his last words, stayed with her, shielding her a bit from all the frightening things happening around her. She stroked the white prayer book concealed in the pocket of her skirt - the last thing he had given her. There had been a deep sadness in his face as he said goodbye and whispered, "Let this talisman protect you from harm until we're together again."

As they were being led past a fenced-off area, they saw more people with shaved heads in grey garb. "Look, just look at those women," Aliz whispered to Hedy.

"Maybe they're more inmates from an insane asylum," Hedy replied softly.

The inmates were yelling at them as they passed. It was too dreadful to watch them and Hedy kept her eyes ahead of her, on the women guards guiding them through this maze. They looked decent enough, with well-kept hair and clothes.

"They're like us," Aliz whispered to Hedy, motioning toward the guards. "I heard some of them speaking Slovak, but others speak Hungarian. They've been here longer, though. I heard they were brought here some years ago."

Maybe it was possible to survive this place after all, Hedy thought. "Surely they will give us water soon," Aliz continued. "My throat's like sandpaper."

Hedy was going to reply, but one of the Slovak women yelled back, "No talking!"

They were herded into a large, cavernous building where one of the Slovak women, the one with a round face and black-framed glasses, stood in front of them and yelled out a series of orders. "In the first room," she explained, "they will shave you." Hedy and Aliz looked at each other in shock, as did most of the other newly arrived women. "Next, you will have a shower. And then, you will be assigned to barracks. Everything that's done here is done for the sake of cleanliness."

The shavers were quick and efficient in their task. Hedy couldn't bear to open her eyes and see her blond curls falling to the floor. She thought back to her last haircut and tears welled up in her eyes. But she wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Then the Slovak guard with the black-framed glasses was back, barking more orders.

"Hang up your clothes along the wall. Each hook has a number. Remember the number. When you are finished with the shower, you will get your clothes back. Keep only your shoes with you and prescription eyeglasses. Leave everything else on the hooks." She waited a moment to see if they were following orders and then screamed, "Move it!

The women undressed obediently, quietly. Hedy undressed slowly, her mind still trying to comprehend her body's feeling of nakedness. She didn't want to touch her bare scalp or look at her bald sister. She stared at the hook, trying to engrave the number 31 into her brain. The number kept going out of focus as tears kept building up in her eyes. She bit her lip hard and once again told herself not to cry. She hung up her blouse, bra, socks, panties, and, finally, the skirt that held Tibor's prayer book in the pocket. She lovingly ran her fingers over it as she left it, hoping that stroking it would bring her good luck. As she made her way to the next room, she grabbed her beautiful burgundy calf 's-leather walking shoes. They were all she had left now that linked her with everything she cherished.

The female guard in the next room was big-boned and taller than any of the others. She had a hardness about her that was accentuated by her piercing blue eyes. Her job was to check their mouths and shoes as they entered the showers. While the big one went about her task, the one with the black glasses, who stood nearby, continued her shouting.

"If you're hiding anything, we will find it, and the punishment will be severe."

Hedy tightened her grip on her shoes as she and Aliz neared the guard. She was naked but, somehow, tried to cover herself with the shoes and her hands and arms. Aliz went through the humiliating examination within seconds. Then the tall Slovak guard indicated for Hedy to open her mouth. She grabbed the shoes, turned them upside down, looking inside, and, without saying a word, put them on a shelf behind her. Without skipping a beat, she looked toward the next person. Hedy couldn't believe what had happened. Something broke in her as she looked the big-boned guard straight in the eyes and said, "Excuse me, those are my shoes!"

"Get moving, if you know what's good for you," the guard snarled back at Hedy.

"I want my shoes back!" Hedy demanded through her anger. She wouldn't move, she told herself, sweat rolling down her naked body, her heart pounding.

The guard, who had already turned to face the next person, turned back to Hedy. Without moving a muscle on her cold facial expression, she raised her palm and slapped Hedy across the face. "Do you want more? Then just stay here," she shouted. The room became very quiet as Hedy felt all eyes staring at her.

For the first time in her relatively short life, Hedy felt she could kill someone with her bare hands. Aliz grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the next room where the showers were. As the women around her opened their mouths to wet their parched throats, they noticed it had a strange taste. Hedy didn't notice. The shower didn't last long but, while the water hit her face, she could finally release the torrent of tears.

Her thought's raced back to what Aliz had told her about the guards. They were inmates, too. Unbelievable. They knew what it felt like to be stripped of everything. She couldn't believe that someone who had gone through what she was going through now would be capable of such cruelty.

There was no soap in the shower, no towels afterward. As they stood dripping, they were handed clean, used dresses, most of them threadbare from repeated washings in strong detergents. As she slowly put on the light cotton dress that fell to her ankles, Hedy thought back to her clothes hanging on hook number 31 in the other room. She realized now that the hook and the number were just part of a series of lies. They would never get their clothes back. She would never get Tibor's prayer book back again. Stripped of her clothes, her hair, her shoes, and her precious talisman, she had been deprived of all that she had ever been and hoped to be. Hedy glanced at her bald-headed sister and saw a mirror image of herself.

"I won't cry if you don't cry," Aliz said to Hedy. "Let's not give them the satisfaction."

chapter 16 | june 1945

S
UTI AND HIS FATHER
hardly spoke. Initially, Suti whispered questions:

"Where was Icuka?" "Where are Hedy and Aliz?" "What is this place?"

But when no reply came, Suti could no longer bear to see the vacant, helpless look in his father's eyes. This was not the father he knew - the confident, knowledgeable man Suti could turn to with any question. His father seemed to be like the other adults around him: frozen with fear, unable to comprehend why they were here or any of what was going on around them.

Their heads were shaved, but not completely. It was as if the barbers wanted to make them all look ridiculous with their mocking design. They shaved a strip of hair down the centre of the head, with the two sides trimmed very short, just three millimetres above the scalp. The men and teenagers were given hats.

Orthodox Jews wept as their heads and beards were shaved - they simply couldn't cope with this violation of their religious beliefs. They huddled in small groups in shock, some burying their heads in their knees, rocking themselves back and forth in disbelief, murmuring prayers of mourning. Using makeshift scarves, they attempted to cover the areas where their beards would have covered their faces.

Following the humiliation of the shaving, the new arrivals were led to the men's barracks. As they walked in, the smell of human sweat combined with a disinfectant-type cleaning fluid overwhelmed Suti.

Three rows of wooden storage shelves were stacked on top of each other, with a few feet in between each where heads peered out. The rows were narrow in front - long enough to lie down, but not high enough to sit up. Six to eight skinny men were crammed into one section, like spoons in a drawer. Suti was mesmerized by the rows of eyes staring back at him with blank, empty stares as he and the others were led down the centre aisle.

Suti had, until then, never had to share a bed with any of his siblings, let alone strangers. He and his father settled into one of the shelf-like boxes to try to sleep. If someone wanted to turn over, they all had to do so at the same time. He tried to quiet the growling of his stomach, but it was still the thirst that was consistently clawing at his throat.

The next day began in the dark before dawn at four o'clock, with loud whistling and shouting going on outside their barracks.

"
Raus, raus, schnell, schnell
."

Suti could hardly move he was so tired. His entire body ached. His father nudged him and helped him get up. Everyone seemed to scramble out of their bunks, as if they dreaded what would happen if they didn't jump when ordered. The group fell silently into exact rows at the front of the barracks. Suti, his father, and the other newcomers didn't know where to stand, but were pushed and shoved into their places by the others.

Jewish women of Karpatalja in Auschwitz at the end of May 1944. Reproduced from
Az Auschwitz Album
by permission of Yad Vashem/Auschwitz-Birkenau Állami Múzeum.

The
zehl appel
(roll call) lasted one hour. The older inmates told the new arrivals they were fortunate: the
zehl appel
had been relatively brief that morning. Suti learned as the days wore on that the roll call sometimes lasted one to three hours, sometimes a half day.

After a few days, Suti's father was taken away on a work brigade, leaving Suti completely alone. His daily life became a fusion of loneliness, boredom, and fear.

Outside, nothing grew: no grass, no trees, not a single flower. Suti noticed there were no birds. The stench of death hung over the place like a pall, there was no place to escape from it. This smell of death, mixed with human excrement, urine, and disinfectant were the primary smells of the camp.

Even the food they received didn't provide any relief, however temporary, from the smell of death. The so-called bread came in the shape of a brick - it was hard and tasteless. Sawdust was used by the bakers to keep the brick-shaped bread from sticking to the pan - the tiny bits of wood were baked right into the loaf. The soup was suspiciously devoid of colour: it was consistently a tinge of dull grey and brown with a few bits of vegetables floating on top - primarily beets and turnips. Occasionally, there were bones cooked into the soup. Suti later learned the bones were leftovers from meals prepared for the SS.

With a mixture of defiance and desperation, Suti began to scrape an atom of beauty from the desolation. He noticed little red fragments of bricks randomly crushed into the dirt here and there on the ground. He started collecting the bits of brick and, out of these, he constructed geometric designs in the dirt. In scouring the ground, Suti found a small, discarded, single length of string. He considered it a great treasure - something he could use to create uniform lengths for his flowers. Hunched over his outdoor artwork for hours, he created perfectly shaped flowers out of the little bits of red-brick debris where no real flowers grew. The creation of the artwork required precision and concentration, and it filled the hours between meagre meals and consumed moments that would have been lost in memory and fear. Finally, Suti thought, this was a tiny part of his universe where he was in control.

The block altester noticed his meticulous work and took an immediate liking to the decorative motifs. The recognition was brief - the first time since their arrival that anyone had spoken to him directly or acknowledged him as an individual. Suti's symbolic flower garden decorated the entrances to their barracks, and distinguished their barracks from the rest. For his efforts, Suti occasionally received a little more soup, and an additional morsel of bread.

Housed in barracks full of Hungarian Jews from his home district, Suti nevertheless felt completely alone, isolated, and lonely. He turned inward for solace and comfort and decided he couldn't relate to any of the people around him. He already lost everyone in his family - he couldn't bear to lose any more people he cared about. He decided not to make any attachments.

There was one inmate, however, who went out of his way to engage Suti and consistently had a kind word for him. Everyone simply called him Dr. Braun. He spoke to Suti often, reassuring him that this would all be over soon, trying to instill a glimmer of hope in the boy. In the midst of all the hardships around them, Dr. Braun injected humour in their everyday lives and shared stories that made Suti smile.

On one occasion, a shipment or horribly pungent cheese was delivered to the lager. The cheese was packaged elegantly in wooden crates, each small portion wrapped in fine wax parchment paper. By the way it was packaged and prepared, one could see that this cheese had been intended for an upscale market. The cheese was repugnant to smell, however, and it was crawling with live worms.