Outing of the Heart (112 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
She couldn't keep coming back here for belongings. She needed to make a clean break. For one thing, she couldn't face the idea of coming in one time and finding another woman. The prospect cut like a knife into her heart and twisted there.
Ten had never looked more distractingly desirable. That first sight of her sitting, writing at the table. Such an ordinary, domestic activity, but her heart reached out for her and her arms ached to feel her body within the circle of their embrace. She was crazy with frustration and her eyes flamed with desire, as a blaze of heat shuddered through her.
Ten was wearing a fine wool, tartan skirt in a blue, black and green plaid. She felt she should know the name of the clan, but at this moment could not call it to mind. Her blouse was a delicate pale green, long sleeved and fastened at the neck with a cameo brooch. Over top she wore a matching, fine wool vest, the whole effect very demure.
Her hair, off her face, was tied up in a roll at the back of her head emphasizing her poise; a woman with an abundance of grace. How different she looked from the last time she had seen her. Thoughts of that clinging black dress with the scarlet sash, those seductive, blood red lips, made her color to her roots.
Ten noticed the dark flush that suffused Sid's cheeks and thought she saw the stirring of anger crossing her face. “
She's not pleased to see me,”
she reflected.
“I should have been gone. I would have been, but she got here so much earlier than I expected. Well
,
she has to live through this exchange just like I do.”
she reasoned.
Sid ran her tongue over dry lips. âIf you don't mind, I want to collect some things from the other room,' she told her hoarsely. She shrugged off her jacket, dropping it in a heap onto the nearby chair. Ten's eyes greedily watched every move.
She carried her grip on through, leaving Ten sitting there. She hadn't been able to bring herself to say âbedroom'. It felt too intimate a word to be voiced out loud, with this strain and distance between them.
Twenty minutes went by. She could hear closet doors opening and closing; likewise drawers and cupboards. She got up and made them both a coffee. Sid would know what was happening from the aroma which filled the apartment. She placed the two mugs on a tray and carried them through.
âI made us coffee,' she said unnecessarily. âWould you like one?' She placed the tray on the night table then turned to Sid to hand her her drink. She stopped what she was doing to come and take it, then Ten sat down on the bed.
Here they both were in the bedroom together. A room which held such poignant memories; ones that were intense and exciting. Sid would not sit. She moved to the other side of the bed to lean against the corner of the closet. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but she didn't notice, too awkward and uncomfortable herself.
Soft bars of light fell across Ten's face from the window. As Sid looked at her she realized she had forgotten how her body responded to this woman's proximity, how that nearness always overpowered her; never failed to arouse. She had caught a tantalizing waft of her perfume when she accepted the coffee, spinning her senses; taking her breath away. If she wanted, she could reach out and stroke the fine, silky soft skin at the nape of her neck. The bed was between them, but she need only to reach out â¦
Suddenly Ten swung her body around on the bed to face Sid and asked: âWhat did you mean by âfuture plans'?'
Taken by surprise, she pulled herself back to reality. âFuture plans?' she frowned.
âIn your note,' she elaborated. As she regarded Sid she noticed the dark smudges under her eyes. They had a look of strain about them. Two small, vertical folds creased the flesh between her brows.
“This time has not been easy for her, either,”
she realized. Encouraged by this knowledge she pursued her course. âHave you been thinking of major changes ⦠like moving out?' She stopped abruptly, holding her breath, scared of the reply.
Sid said nothing ⦠looked away. She didn't know what she'd meant. Mixed up, confused, unsure of herself, she'd been terribly, terribly unhappy. How could things stay as they were if Ten was interested in someone else? She couldn't keep coming back weekends; they couldn't pretend everything was as it had been. What else could she do? She knew, for sure, she'd not play second fiddle to another woman. No way. No matter how much she loved her. She couldn't do that.
Sensing an indecision, Ten swung her legs off the bed and came round to sit before her on the other edge.
âSid, can't we talk about this?' She raised her oval, luminous eyes to her face, to look imploringly into that stony countenance. Sid could feel herself wavering under the impact of this visual onslaught; the sensuality of the curved mouth, as it formed the words.
She patted the bed. âCome, let's talk,' she said simply.
She sank gratefully, feeling that possibly this heavy burden which she had been carrying, it seemed forever, would at last be lifted from her. âIf you have m..met s..s..someone new,' she stumbled over her words and swallowed with difficulty, âI c..cannot remain to be witness.' She stopped, then continued: âMy heart will break and my soul will die. I have to get out while I still have my sanity.' She turned her head, looking down at knotted hands ⦠anywhere but at Ten. But she could not escape the headiness of her exotic perfume, or the heat of her proximity.
âSid.' Ten reached out and took her hand in hers. She didn't pull away, but let it rest, limply, as if all fight had gone out of her. âI haven't met anyone, darling. I love only you.' Her eyes never wavered from Sid's face, willing her to believe and understand. In a soft voice, tremulous with diffidence, she questioned: âI don't understand what makes you think like that? How could you believe me untrue?' She choked a little on this question, at the heart of her hurt.
Sid's hand suddenly spasmed into a fierce grip. She lifted her head and cried out, the words wrenched from her gut: âYou were always too busy with this other woman to talk to me. I saw you, with my own eyes, that night, kissing her.'
This time she did withdraw her hand, the memory of that betrayal bringing into sharp relief the intensity of her anguish. Now she was bristling with aggrieved resentment, her eyes once more aflame with emotion. Ten felt the change and hastened to moderate this mounting aggression.
âThe circumstances were unfortunate Sid, but â¦'
âUnfortunate.' she expostulated indignantly, jumping to her feet. âI'll say unfortunate all right,' she endorsed bitterly.
She could feel her previous advantage slipping away; had to make her see the truth of the situation before all was irretrievably lost.
âSid, please, listen to me ⦠it was pure coincidence.' Her dark eyes searched her face. Sid let her go on. She must control her outbursts. This was too important, but she stood her ground.
âEach time you called it was a different person who had given me a lift home. They left right away.' She was silent a moment, letting her digest this. âI think,' she said carefully, âbeing at such a distance made it very hard for you.' She took Sid's hand again and stroked her forearm, soothingly. Sid's frown was still intense, her face dark and forbidding, but she did sit down.
âBut what of Friday night? I saw you.' That hard edge of pain was still there.
âWhat you saw, Sid, is not what you think. Yes, I had been out, but you said you wouldn't be coming down. Devon invited me for dinner. I accepted because I was missing you and I didn't want to spend the time alone.' She spoke softly, no guile in her words. She could see her face was open and undefiled. Ten continued with the same candor. âTrue ⦠she was trying to kiss me but â¦' she turned directly towards Sid and leaned slightly forward, so keen was she to have her feel the sincerity of her words: âSid, I swear, I was trying to stop her, but she had me pinned up against the car. I know how it must have looked to you, but ⦠please believe me.' Now those large, black eyes reached out imploringly into the doubt of the azure ones. âI was fighting her off, telling her to stop.' She took a deep breath. âI love you. It's
you
who have captured my heart and you alone.' She dropped her head onto Sid's shoulder and whispered: âYou've just
got
to believe me.'
Sid had been rocked back on her heels. She was visibly undergoing a serious re-think. Had she jumped to the wrong conclusion, all this time? Had she in fact, grossly misjudged Ten? Her suspicions were beginning to disintegrate. What a fool she'd been. Ten was right. Distance had colored her perspective. That and her feeling of powerlessness. She berated herself; oh, those dreadful accusations. She put her arm around Ten's shoulders and drew their bodies closer, a sigh escaping her lips. It was a while before she spoke, her words tentative.
âPlease forgive me,' she beseeched earnestly. âI've been an idiot ⦠thinking the worst; feeling betrayed.' She caressed Ten's face with a gentle hand. âI realize now that I shouldn't have let my damned temper get the better of me. At the time my rage was white hot and I could see only one view. It painted you as perfidious and faithless. It wounded my heart like it was pierced by a thousand arrows, making me blind to anything else. Truly ⦠I do regret those things I said to you. I don't believe them. I was trying to make you feel the pain I was feeling. Say you'll forgive me.' Her supplication was softly delivered with a melting humility. âIf it's any consolation, I have been utterly desolate the whole time I've been at University. I wasn't able to concentrate on study, I was so miserable. I could only think of how much I didn't want to lose you.' She put her hand under her chin, tilting her face to hers. âWill you forgive me ⦠please?' Now her eyes were the ones wide with entreaty.
âOh yes, my love,' was the ecstatic response. âThis is what I've been hoping for, with all my heart, but could hardly bring myself to contemplate. The disappointment would be too awful.' Her arms close about Sid's waist, she squeezed her to her. Taken off balance by the sudden pressure Sid fell onto the mattress, bringing Ten with her. They lay together, on the bed, enfolded in each other's arms, Ten's breasts pressing into her side, Sid's breath brushing her cheek. Suddenly, heat engulfed them, their bodies igniting into a passionate flame of desire. A desire so intense following all their emotional trauma, that without words, they began to undress each other. Those demure clothes cast to the floor, Sid's sweater and cords thrown to the walls, no stopping 'til both were naked and under the covers, instinctively turning to each other for comfort and solace. Together at last. The urgency abated and they could catch their breath; heed the moment and savor the reality. It had been so long.
Sid felt herself swamped in a tide of gratitude to the great Goddess that the despair and solitude of the past week were over. Had it only been one week? It felt like a lifetime. She clasped Ten to her, renewing acquaintance with those sweet hollows and soft curves. She couldn't get close enough; wanted to feel her against every part of her body; to know for a certainty, they were truly back together. Above all she needed time to appreciate to the fullest, the beauty of this reunion, once more united with her Tenille; both of one mind, no longer in the presence of discord. This was worth all the world to her.
As Ten lay in Sid's arms, her head sharing the same pillow, she marvelled at the turn of events since that fateful Friday. She had not expected, indeed, had not dared to hope they would be lying in their own bed together, animosity and estrangement, consequences from the past, put behind them. But everything was not as it had been. She would never forget the things that had been said that night. Yes, she would forgive as she had been asked, but the look on Sid's face, the names she had called her ⦠no, they could never be forgotten. That night she had seen the other side of her lover, a hard, street-smart girl, as tough as they come, out to inflict as much pain as she could ⦠and she had succeeded. This same girl was now caressing her, gently stroking along the length of her thigh, exploring up to the fold of her buttocks. She could feel her whole body light up with desire as she let out her breath in a low, barely audible sigh of pleasure. Yet, just an hour ago she had experienced a frisson of fear at the prospect of the imminent confrontation, knowing the extent of Sid's power. The Tenille of before had been a blissful ignoramus. As a babe in her innocence.
Now all that had gone. More than ever she wanted this girl, raw and powerful. Wanted to love her and be loved in return. Yes, she was rough round the edges; had not had the benefits she herself had enjoyed, but Sid was the lover for her. She stirred her as no others ever had. She was like a drug she had to have; addictive, not to be denied. What was it about this girl that shook her senses? She wanted to do her slightest bidding. Yes. Despite all her new awareness; with devotion and humility. What had happened to her? Had she changed? But she was no masochist, surely?
Sid's looks, her magnetism, dominated her and she loved it. Her eyes now saw this girl with new respect. She was not to be trifled with. She had the power to put her in her place ⦠and keep her there. She liked this about her, in fact, needed to feel this way. It wasn't current feminist thinking, where equal status was P.C., but the sexual creature that she was demanded this of her lover. How strange she was. Not wanting to be dominated by a man, but loving it from a woman. Wanting to be feminine and attractive to a woman, but despising any male who showed her sexual interest. She loved Sid with every shred of her being. Right now she was hot for this butch, her blood pulsating to the tips of her toes and pooling in her groin. She could feel the insistent throbbing in her clit. She wanted to be wild, to show her, through the strength of her desire, how much she meant to her and how devoted were her feelings of love.
Ten had never looked more distractingly desirable. That first sight of her sitting, writing at the table. Such an ordinary, domestic activity, but her heart reached out for her and her arms ached to feel her body within the circle of their embrace. She was crazy with frustration and her eyes flamed with desire, as a blaze of heat shuddered through her.
Ten was wearing a fine wool, tartan skirt in a blue, black and green plaid. She felt she should know the name of the clan, but at this moment could not call it to mind. Her blouse was a delicate pale green, long sleeved and fastened at the neck with a cameo brooch. Over top she wore a matching, fine wool vest, the whole effect very demure.
Her hair, off her face, was tied up in a roll at the back of her head emphasizing her poise; a woman with an abundance of grace. How different she looked from the last time she had seen her. Thoughts of that clinging black dress with the scarlet sash, those seductive, blood red lips, made her color to her roots.
Ten noticed the dark flush that suffused Sid's cheeks and thought she saw the stirring of anger crossing her face. “
She's not pleased to see me,”
she reflected.
“I should have been gone. I would have been, but she got here so much earlier than I expected. Well
,
she has to live through this exchange just like I do.”
she reasoned.
Sid ran her tongue over dry lips. âIf you don't mind, I want to collect some things from the other room,' she told her hoarsely. She shrugged off her jacket, dropping it in a heap onto the nearby chair. Ten's eyes greedily watched every move.
She carried her grip on through, leaving Ten sitting there. She hadn't been able to bring herself to say âbedroom'. It felt too intimate a word to be voiced out loud, with this strain and distance between them.
Twenty minutes went by. She could hear closet doors opening and closing; likewise drawers and cupboards. She got up and made them both a coffee. Sid would know what was happening from the aroma which filled the apartment. She placed the two mugs on a tray and carried them through.
âI made us coffee,' she said unnecessarily. âWould you like one?' She placed the tray on the night table then turned to Sid to hand her her drink. She stopped what she was doing to come and take it, then Ten sat down on the bed.
Here they both were in the bedroom together. A room which held such poignant memories; ones that were intense and exciting. Sid would not sit. She moved to the other side of the bed to lean against the corner of the closet. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but she didn't notice, too awkward and uncomfortable herself.
Soft bars of light fell across Ten's face from the window. As Sid looked at her she realized she had forgotten how her body responded to this woman's proximity, how that nearness always overpowered her; never failed to arouse. She had caught a tantalizing waft of her perfume when she accepted the coffee, spinning her senses; taking her breath away. If she wanted, she could reach out and stroke the fine, silky soft skin at the nape of her neck. The bed was between them, but she need only to reach out â¦
Suddenly Ten swung her body around on the bed to face Sid and asked: âWhat did you mean by âfuture plans'?'
Taken by surprise, she pulled herself back to reality. âFuture plans?' she frowned.
âIn your note,' she elaborated. As she regarded Sid she noticed the dark smudges under her eyes. They had a look of strain about them. Two small, vertical folds creased the flesh between her brows.
“This time has not been easy for her, either,”
she realized. Encouraged by this knowledge she pursued her course. âHave you been thinking of major changes ⦠like moving out?' She stopped abruptly, holding her breath, scared of the reply.
Sid said nothing ⦠looked away. She didn't know what she'd meant. Mixed up, confused, unsure of herself, she'd been terribly, terribly unhappy. How could things stay as they were if Ten was interested in someone else? She couldn't keep coming back weekends; they couldn't pretend everything was as it had been. What else could she do? She knew, for sure, she'd not play second fiddle to another woman. No way. No matter how much she loved her. She couldn't do that.
Sensing an indecision, Ten swung her legs off the bed and came round to sit before her on the other edge.
âSid, can't we talk about this?' She raised her oval, luminous eyes to her face, to look imploringly into that stony countenance. Sid could feel herself wavering under the impact of this visual onslaught; the sensuality of the curved mouth, as it formed the words.
She patted the bed. âCome, let's talk,' she said simply.
She sank gratefully, feeling that possibly this heavy burden which she had been carrying, it seemed forever, would at last be lifted from her. âIf you have m..met s..s..someone new,' she stumbled over her words and swallowed with difficulty, âI c..cannot remain to be witness.' She stopped, then continued: âMy heart will break and my soul will die. I have to get out while I still have my sanity.' She turned her head, looking down at knotted hands ⦠anywhere but at Ten. But she could not escape the headiness of her exotic perfume, or the heat of her proximity.
âSid.' Ten reached out and took her hand in hers. She didn't pull away, but let it rest, limply, as if all fight had gone out of her. âI haven't met anyone, darling. I love only you.' Her eyes never wavered from Sid's face, willing her to believe and understand. In a soft voice, tremulous with diffidence, she questioned: âI don't understand what makes you think like that? How could you believe me untrue?' She choked a little on this question, at the heart of her hurt.
Sid's hand suddenly spasmed into a fierce grip. She lifted her head and cried out, the words wrenched from her gut: âYou were always too busy with this other woman to talk to me. I saw you, with my own eyes, that night, kissing her.'
This time she did withdraw her hand, the memory of that betrayal bringing into sharp relief the intensity of her anguish. Now she was bristling with aggrieved resentment, her eyes once more aflame with emotion. Ten felt the change and hastened to moderate this mounting aggression.
âThe circumstances were unfortunate Sid, but â¦'
âUnfortunate.' she expostulated indignantly, jumping to her feet. âI'll say unfortunate all right,' she endorsed bitterly.
She could feel her previous advantage slipping away; had to make her see the truth of the situation before all was irretrievably lost.
âSid, please, listen to me ⦠it was pure coincidence.' Her dark eyes searched her face. Sid let her go on. She must control her outbursts. This was too important, but she stood her ground.
âEach time you called it was a different person who had given me a lift home. They left right away.' She was silent a moment, letting her digest this. âI think,' she said carefully, âbeing at such a distance made it very hard for you.' She took Sid's hand again and stroked her forearm, soothingly. Sid's frown was still intense, her face dark and forbidding, but she did sit down.
âBut what of Friday night? I saw you.' That hard edge of pain was still there.
âWhat you saw, Sid, is not what you think. Yes, I had been out, but you said you wouldn't be coming down. Devon invited me for dinner. I accepted because I was missing you and I didn't want to spend the time alone.' She spoke softly, no guile in her words. She could see her face was open and undefiled. Ten continued with the same candor. âTrue ⦠she was trying to kiss me but â¦' she turned directly towards Sid and leaned slightly forward, so keen was she to have her feel the sincerity of her words: âSid, I swear, I was trying to stop her, but she had me pinned up against the car. I know how it must have looked to you, but ⦠please believe me.' Now those large, black eyes reached out imploringly into the doubt of the azure ones. âI was fighting her off, telling her to stop.' She took a deep breath. âI love you. It's
you
who have captured my heart and you alone.' She dropped her head onto Sid's shoulder and whispered: âYou've just
got
to believe me.'
Sid had been rocked back on her heels. She was visibly undergoing a serious re-think. Had she jumped to the wrong conclusion, all this time? Had she in fact, grossly misjudged Ten? Her suspicions were beginning to disintegrate. What a fool she'd been. Ten was right. Distance had colored her perspective. That and her feeling of powerlessness. She berated herself; oh, those dreadful accusations. She put her arm around Ten's shoulders and drew their bodies closer, a sigh escaping her lips. It was a while before she spoke, her words tentative.
âPlease forgive me,' she beseeched earnestly. âI've been an idiot ⦠thinking the worst; feeling betrayed.' She caressed Ten's face with a gentle hand. âI realize now that I shouldn't have let my damned temper get the better of me. At the time my rage was white hot and I could see only one view. It painted you as perfidious and faithless. It wounded my heart like it was pierced by a thousand arrows, making me blind to anything else. Truly ⦠I do regret those things I said to you. I don't believe them. I was trying to make you feel the pain I was feeling. Say you'll forgive me.' Her supplication was softly delivered with a melting humility. âIf it's any consolation, I have been utterly desolate the whole time I've been at University. I wasn't able to concentrate on study, I was so miserable. I could only think of how much I didn't want to lose you.' She put her hand under her chin, tilting her face to hers. âWill you forgive me ⦠please?' Now her eyes were the ones wide with entreaty.
âOh yes, my love,' was the ecstatic response. âThis is what I've been hoping for, with all my heart, but could hardly bring myself to contemplate. The disappointment would be too awful.' Her arms close about Sid's waist, she squeezed her to her. Taken off balance by the sudden pressure Sid fell onto the mattress, bringing Ten with her. They lay together, on the bed, enfolded in each other's arms, Ten's breasts pressing into her side, Sid's breath brushing her cheek. Suddenly, heat engulfed them, their bodies igniting into a passionate flame of desire. A desire so intense following all their emotional trauma, that without words, they began to undress each other. Those demure clothes cast to the floor, Sid's sweater and cords thrown to the walls, no stopping 'til both were naked and under the covers, instinctively turning to each other for comfort and solace. Together at last. The urgency abated and they could catch their breath; heed the moment and savor the reality. It had been so long.
Sid felt herself swamped in a tide of gratitude to the great Goddess that the despair and solitude of the past week were over. Had it only been one week? It felt like a lifetime. She clasped Ten to her, renewing acquaintance with those sweet hollows and soft curves. She couldn't get close enough; wanted to feel her against every part of her body; to know for a certainty, they were truly back together. Above all she needed time to appreciate to the fullest, the beauty of this reunion, once more united with her Tenille; both of one mind, no longer in the presence of discord. This was worth all the world to her.
As Ten lay in Sid's arms, her head sharing the same pillow, she marvelled at the turn of events since that fateful Friday. She had not expected, indeed, had not dared to hope they would be lying in their own bed together, animosity and estrangement, consequences from the past, put behind them. But everything was not as it had been. She would never forget the things that had been said that night. Yes, she would forgive as she had been asked, but the look on Sid's face, the names she had called her ⦠no, they could never be forgotten. That night she had seen the other side of her lover, a hard, street-smart girl, as tough as they come, out to inflict as much pain as she could ⦠and she had succeeded. This same girl was now caressing her, gently stroking along the length of her thigh, exploring up to the fold of her buttocks. She could feel her whole body light up with desire as she let out her breath in a low, barely audible sigh of pleasure. Yet, just an hour ago she had experienced a frisson of fear at the prospect of the imminent confrontation, knowing the extent of Sid's power. The Tenille of before had been a blissful ignoramus. As a babe in her innocence.
Now all that had gone. More than ever she wanted this girl, raw and powerful. Wanted to love her and be loved in return. Yes, she was rough round the edges; had not had the benefits she herself had enjoyed, but Sid was the lover for her. She stirred her as no others ever had. She was like a drug she had to have; addictive, not to be denied. What was it about this girl that shook her senses? She wanted to do her slightest bidding. Yes. Despite all her new awareness; with devotion and humility. What had happened to her? Had she changed? But she was no masochist, surely?
Sid's looks, her magnetism, dominated her and she loved it. Her eyes now saw this girl with new respect. She was not to be trifled with. She had the power to put her in her place ⦠and keep her there. She liked this about her, in fact, needed to feel this way. It wasn't current feminist thinking, where equal status was P.C., but the sexual creature that she was demanded this of her lover. How strange she was. Not wanting to be dominated by a man, but loving it from a woman. Wanting to be feminine and attractive to a woman, but despising any male who showed her sexual interest. She loved Sid with every shred of her being. Right now she was hot for this butch, her blood pulsating to the tips of her toes and pooling in her groin. She could feel the insistent throbbing in her clit. She wanted to be wild, to show her, through the strength of her desire, how much she meant to her and how devoted were her feelings of love.
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