OVERTIME (38 page)

His footsteps faded as he climbed the stairs, walked across the deck, and then nothing but silence.

He was alone. Again. He was ashamed, so fucking ashamed that he couldn’t be what Colton wanted.

Always alone. Always ashamed.

Colton was wrong. Dead wrong. He wasn’t good enough. Colton refused to see that, probably out of pity, but Jagger knew what was true. He thought of Haven and all the good work
Colton and his partners did there. Colton rescued broken things and tried to fix them. Well, some things were just too broken to be fixed. There was no fixing him. He shook his head, disgusted with his cowardly weakness and inability to be a real man.

He started packing. It was weird, there were no tears. They’d already stopped, dried completely up. He had drifted back to old Jagger without him even realizing it was happening. Maybe the ice around his heart would freeze up again—take away the pain of losing Colton a second time. If it didn’t, if the ice didn’t return, he would be dead within two weeks. He couldn’t do this. He
wouldn’t
do it.

Chapter 21

Two Days without Colton

Jagger sat quietly in the front lobby of
Noble’s
, the accounting firm that had hired him straight out of college. They were the most prestigious firm in the area, and he should not only be thrilled to have been offered a positon but fall-down-on-his-knees thankful, as well. He felt neither. Actually, if it wasn’t for the continuous pain of his heart aching, he wouldn’t be feeling a damned thing at all. Back on autopilot
…

He’d arrived thirty minutes earlier than his scheduled start time…because that’s what the old Jagger did. He never overslept because his body was too exhausted from a strong bout of lovemaking. This Jagger was prompt, professional, and dedicated to his plan. He glanced down at the pressed khaki pants and boring blue button-up he wore—business casual—that’s what they’d told him. He looked the part and knew he could act the part. He also knew he hated old Jagger. He hated old Jagger with a passion. He wanted to cut him into strips and watch him bleed away until there was nothing left. No memories, not a damned thing—just gone.

His eyes drifted to his cheap watch and noted an entire two minutes had passed. It felt like ten hours. When would the pain and loneliness go away? Would it ever ease up? He’d been a fool to think he could sample of taste of happiness and then be able to walk away and return to the lonely world he’d created for himself. Nevertheless, it was
his
world—the one he’d chosen…over Colton.

Since he’d spent the last twenty four hours crying nonstop, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt his eyes were bloodshot. What he didn’t know was if he preferred his new employers thinking he was on drugs or knowing he’d been crying like a girl. He was a fucking loser either way, so he supposed it didn’t really matter what the hell they thought of him. As long as they gave him his paycheck every week, his plan would be fulfilled. Working here, he would never have to worry about being poor or hungry again. He’d made it. He had achieved the goal he’d set all those years ago.
Woopdee
-fucking-do. Wasn’t he just magnificent?

“Jagger!” A voice boomed from the lobby door, jerking him back to
Boringsville
. “You’re early! We like that around here. I’m Donald Jarvis, your direct supervisor.” He crossed the room and grabbed Jagger’s hand and started pumping it like a lunatic. Dude was totally weird but fit the accountant mold Jagger had pictured in his head. He wore the same dull khakis and button-up shirt he was sporting this morning but had added some really stylish black-rimmed glasses and a clip-on tie to make his outfit a step above what was currently decorating his body. He would have to see if the local thrift store had some clip-on ties that didn’t smell like cat piss.

Once he finished with the hand workout, Donald motioned for him to follow him. “Follow me, Jagger. Let’s show you your cubicle and then we can get started with all the HR paperwork they’ve got lined up for you.” The little guy was practically skipping as he walked down the runway of desks.

Jagger followed him down the hall, noting the other countless cubicles lining the hallway. Most of them were empty since he was early, but there were a few folks already at their desks, eating their breakfasts or playing on their phones. A few glanced in his direction and offered a friendly smile and wave. The others didn’t even acknowledge there were other living folks within a half mile radius of them. Silently Jagger wondered what he would have thought of his new job and the work atmosphere before spending a week with Colton. Would he have been happy and excited about his
cubicle
? Would he have tried to smile back at the few that had offered him a welcome smile? Probably; old Jagger would react the way he was supposed to react, but there wouldn’t have been a smidgen of honesty within the smile.

About half way down the hall, Donald stopped and pointed to what he supposed was his desk area. Hanging on his cubicle was a Kentucky Wildcat banner as a welcoming sign, he supposed. It was a nice gesture. It also made him want to puke.
How long? How long would this feeling last
?

Donald was grinning from ear to ear. “I hope you don’t mind the added decoration. I’m a huge Kentucky Wildcat fan. I nearly died with excitement when I saw your resume cross my desk. I would have insisted they hire you regardless of your grades but, surprise me, your marks were excellent! How did you find the time to study hard enough to maintain a 4.0 GPA and still be the best damned point guard we’ve had in years?”

Because I was the most boring person on campus, Jagger thought to himself. My heart wasn’t beating.

“I just enjoy accounting,” he lied.

Donald snorted…yeah, a real life snort. “Yeah…okay.” He chucked a load of papers onto Jagger’s desk and grinned from ear to ear. “This is your HR stuff so be prepared to go nuts while filling it out. They ask a million questions a million different ways. You’ll be ready to quit before lunch today,” he joked.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Jagger answered, yet another lie. He eased down onto the standard office desk chair behind his standard office desk with his not-so-standard Kentucky Wildcats banner hanging from his cubicle wall. Maybe the pile of papers in front of him would keep his mind occupied on anything other than Colton. Doubtful. Impossible.

“Alrighty
, then. I’ll check back with you in a couple of hours and make sure your head isn’t spinning round and round. Maybe we could go grab some lunch later? I’d love to hear any and all Wildcat stories you could share.”

Wildcat
. Fuck.

“Thanks for the invite, but I brought my lunch,” he answered. No point getting off on the wrong foot and leading anyone on…make them think he was a normal person when he knew he sure the fuck wasn’t. He glanced up at Donald and felt like shit when he noticed the hurt expression on the other guy’s face.

“Sure…uh…no problem,” Donald answered quickly. There was a faint blush on his cheeks, making Jagger feel even worse. “Okay, I’ll leave you with it.” He turned to walk away but then whirled back around again. “Hey, I wanted to say sorry about you guys falling short at the Championship game. You all were a much better team and should have won.” He shook his head from side to side in apparent disbelief. “I couldn’t believe it, man. That other team? They were playing like their very lives depended on them winning, especially that point guard. He was…driven, to say the least. And Riley? Hell, Riley
never
misses free throws. It was some bad luck all around.”

With that, he turned and walked away, leaving Jagger about to burst into tears again and hating himself even more. To hear Colton tell it, his very life
had
depended on him winning that game—he’d wanted Jagger that badly. On top of that, there was Riley playing matchmaker and dicking
up the free throw up purpose.

How in the hell could he have screwed something up so damned badly when others had worked so hard to make it happen? Six. Short. Days. It had only taken him six short days to
wreck his and Colton’s lives so fucking badly. Forget about him—it was par for the course where his life was concerned, but it sickened him to know he’d hurt Colton. He knew Colton had been devastated to come home and find him gone—to read the pathetic note he’d left behind. He also knew it was what was best for Colton. Given some time, his darkness would have overtaken and consumed Colton’s light. Eventually, he would have destroyed him.

The stack of papers sat untouched in front of him. Precious time ticked away. He sat, unmoving, waiting…just waiting.
How long
?

He wanted to be able to love Colton. He wanted to have the confidence to know he would be able to put all his issues aside, forget about his crappy childhood, and learn to be loved and give love but he couldn’t know for sure. If he had stayed, he could have ended up hurting Colton even more…disappointing him even more. The longer they were together, the harder it would be to walk away, right?

He wanted to be able to blame his mother for walking out and never coming back, leaving him with a psychopath that couldn’t teach him anything about how to love another person. He wanted to blame his father for never showing him the first smidgen of the evasive emotion…for teaching him that love was a weakness to be exploited by others. Hell, he even wanted to blame all the school teachers that turned a blind eye to his bruises, dirty clothing, and shattered soul. If Colton, a child, recognized the signs of abuse, then they surely did as well but not a one of them lifted a hand or phone to help him. He wanted to blame all of them, shovel all his hatred and hurt on their heads, but he couldn’t do it.
He
was to blame. He’d turned off all his emotions and formed a shell around his heart that no one would be able to penetrate. Years and years of internal lectures and warnings had created this Jagger—the one that never let anybody in—the one incapable of loving or receiving love.

Would it take years to reverse the damage he’d done? Was it even possible? Even more important, would it be worth it?

Slowly he reached for the pen Donald had left lying next to his stack of papers he had to complete. When his eyes landed on the first page, he was shocked to find the ink was smudged. Like a fool, he’d been sitting at his new desk, in his new chair, at his new job…crying his eyes out. He glanced around, hoping no one had noticed him but wasn’t at all shocked to find every eye in the house glued to his tear-streaked face. Most all of them had the common decency to look up, down, or all around as they pretended to not have noticed—all of them except the older
woman sitting in the cubicle right next to his. Instead of hiding away, she stood up and moved over to stand next to him, offering him a Kleenex.

“Sweetheart, I’ve been around a lot longer than you have, so I hope you’ll take some good advice from an old gal.” She leaned in closer to him and whispered, “Sometimes when you love someone, it’s
not
best to set them free.”

Jagger was torn between wanting to deny her words or pretend she was his long-lost mother and take her advice. Denial, naturally, won out. “Oh, I’m not in love. It’s just that I…”

He paused, realization slamming into his gut and threatening to cut off his oxygen supply. The lady stroked his back lovingly, reassuring him with each soft motherly touch as his mind raced around the facts. Fuck…this was
it
. He was in love. This was love - this pain and suffering his body and heart was going through because he was away from Colton. The butterflies that would dance in his stomach whenever Colton would walk into a room, smile in his direction, whisper in his ear, or touch him with a possessive caress—those were all symptoms of his love for the other man.

He’d feared he wasn’t capable of ever learning to love but it had been right in front of him the entire time. Riley had told him he’d seen it on his face the first time he’d ever mentioned Colton’s name. In the shower, all those years ago when Colton had whispered that heated promise in his ear, he’d probably started loving him right then. He remembered how it made him feel and how he’d used those words over and over again to help him orgasm when his own hand or the lover he was with couldn’t do the job. The thought of Colton’s breath against his ear, promising to fuck him hard, always brought him to an earth-shattering climax.

Absolutely not; he’d started loving Colton when the arrogant pup had followed him around everywhere, those pretty eyes trying to reach out. He’d started loving him when he’d tried to tease him on the public basketball courts and he’d answered with a frown, but Colton had kept coming back for more. He’d fallen in love with him when he’d followed him home, trying to hide but failing miserably, to ensure he got home safely.

He was in love. Maybe he’d always been in love with Colton.

He massaged the pain in his chest, knowing it would be his constant companion from this day forward. His heart broke for the little boy that’d lost so much as a child. His heart broke for the man that had been too weak to overcome all the darkness that consumed him. His heart broke for Colton. Colton would love again in time
…

Love…and he’d thrown it away for useless security and empty money. Those things that had once been so precious to him meant absolutely nothing without Colton. Without Colton in his life, he would go back to the lonely person that existed only to mark days off the calendar. With Colton in his life, he was complete.