Paint Me True (26 page)

“You don’t owe me another date to make up for that.”

“No, I think I owe it to you to leave you alone and let you move on, but I don’t want that.” I wanted to tell him again that I loved him, but I could just picture Colin making a cutting gesture across his throat.

“Listen... I don’t know.”

“Yeah, fine. I won’t pester you about it. I’ll just see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Have a good night.”

“You too.”

Again I wanted to say I loved him. This was the point in the conversation when he used to say he loved me. “Bye,” I said, and hung up after his response. “I love you,” I whispered into the phone, once the connection was cut. Had it hurt him this much to say it to me all those times, knowing I wouldn’t reply?

A
t church the next morning, Hattie met me in the foyer with her left hand extended. On it was a diamond ring.

“Wow,” I said.

“I know!” she squeaked.

“Since when?”

“Friday.” She beamed at me. “I wanted to tell you but not over the phone. You aren’t mad, are you?”

Mad? I thought. Then I took a moment to consider that. A month ago I wouldn’t have been
mad
, but I’d have been slighted. I’d have felt bitter that she had a fiancee and I was about to turn thirty-one without one, but my nice conversation exercises that Colin had insisted on were paying off already. I gave Hattie a hug.

She squealed right in my ear and hugged me back.

“How did he ask?” I wanted to know.

“Oh, so you saw.” That was Jenna. She stood behind me, her arms folded across her chest.

“How’ve you been?” I asked her.

She blinked at me.

Had I really been this awful and catty? A friendly greeting was an oddity from me?

“Fine,” she said.

“How’s work been?”

“Been good. Had my hard look review.”

“Okay, first I want to hear about the proposal-” I pointed at Hattie “-and then I want to hear about that.”

“He took me to the beach,” said Hattie, “and set up a table where we ate by candlelight and he got down on bended knee right before dessert.”

“Nice,” I said. The three of us moved into the chapel and found seats at the back.

“It was
sooo
romantic.”

“She’s been on and on about it,” said Jenna.

“How’d your review go?” I turned my attention to her.

“They said I was the best associate they’d had in years.”

“Wow! That is so great!”

“So, wait a minute,” said Hattie. “Like, three weeks ago, when I talked to you, you said you were gonna date some guy? Colin?”

“Oh, yeah.” I waved that away. “Didn’t happen, but we’re friends. He’s been a great friend.”

“I’m sorry,” said Jenna, who never showed compassion to anyone.

“It was for the best. Look, I know you’ll think I’m crazy for saying this, but I’m not over Len. I don’t want to be over Len. I miss him.”

“Lemme guess,” said Hattie, “you decided this last week?”

“Yeah.”

Jenna snickered.

“What?” I said. “What happened last week?”

“You don’t know?” Jenna looked me straight in the eye as if willing me to tell the truth.

I had no secrets to hide from her. Not about this. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Really.”

Motion out of the corner of my eye made me turn.

It was Len, standing in the aisle, or a guy who looked vaguely like Len, at least. He had a smartphone in his hand and a new trendy satchel slung over his shoulder. His burgundy shirt was brand new, as were his gray slacks. His hair was styled even, nothing complicated, just a little gel.

He was gorgeous now. Better looking than I’d envisioned him with all my artistic tricks. This guy wasn’t the ward loser anymore. He probably had all the younger, sweeter, prettier girls scratching each other’s faces over him. I wanted to die, just crawl under the nearest pew and curl up. Never had I felt older or plainer, but I made myself act sane. “Hi.”

He waved as if his hand were disconnected from his brain and he didn’t know he was doing it. Then he turned and walked up the aisle as if it were some winding path in the forest that he’d never been down before and he had to feel his way along.

“Yeah, he’s different now,” said Hattie.

“He’s kinda hot,” agreed Jenna.

“Since when did he... uh... So that’s what happened last week?”

“He’s still the same dork,” said his cousin. “Reads scriptures off his iPhone.”

“Has a computer voice read them when he teaches Sunday school,” supplied Jenna.

“I take it he’s dating someone,” I said.

But Hattie shook her head.

“His sister took him shopping,” said Jenna. “Or, that’s the gossip at least. Someone said his work had a new dress code.”

“He has been on dates with people,” said Hattie, “but he’s not officially dating anyone.”

I stole a glance at the front row. Len was busy reading off his phone, but two girls had settled in next to him and were trying to get his attention. He smiled and glanced in their direction, but they didn’t get anything more than that. Still, that was too much for me.

“I haven’t got a chance with him now, do I?”

“You really didn’t know? About his new look?” said Jenna.

I shook my head.

“I thought that was why you called him last week,” said Hattie.

“He tell you about that?”

“Mmm. You still have a chance with him. He’s still the same dork, remember?”

“If you want a chance with him,” said Jenna.

I
never knew how hard guys had it. I kept my shoulders square and my head up as I walked past him on my way to Relief Society. “Hi,” I said, as if he were just an old friend.

He looked at me, slightly startled. “Hi.” Again with the awkward wave, and then he turned down a side hallway and disappeared.

I tried to pay attention in Relief Society, but my mind kept replaying that encounter, as if I might glean some hidden meaning from it. Before I knew it, everyone was singing the closing hymn. I mumbled my way along with them, then bowed my head for a closing prayer I didn’t hear, and then it was time to toughen up once more.

Hattie walked with me and gave me the occasional worried glance. I marched down the hall, off of which was the clerk’s office. The door was open, and Len was inside, lounging back in the chair, tapping away at the keyboard. “Hi,” I said again.

He looked with his eyes and didn’t turn his head. “Hi.” His fingers stopped typing.

Hattie raised an eyebrow at me and sped up, leaving me to pause in the doorway by myself. “I’d ask how you’ve been, but I already asked that half a day ago.”

“I’ve been fine. You?”

I shrugged.

“Hattie and Jenna approve of you talking to me now?”

“I don’t know. Didn’t ask.”

He swiveled to face me then, a look of genuine confusion on his face. “So, when you called up last week, you hadn’t talked to them about me?”

“I don’t talk to them about you. They’re my friends, but they can be a little judgmental, you know?” As if I were one to talk.

But Len didn’t press that point. “You thought you were still talking to the scruffy guy?”

“Mmmm-hmmm. Look, don’t get me wrong, you look nice, but not
that
nice. I hear you’re still the same person.”

He laughed, his blue eyes sparkling.

My heart just about melted, but I hid that as best I could. “And that’s what I care about. You don’t think I wanted another chance just because someone took you shopping, do you?”

“Weeeell...”

“Okay, fair enough. I was that shallow. I’m sorry.” Ouch did it hurt to say that, plain and clear, in public. There were still people walking down the hall, behind me.

He shrugged and waved a hand dismissively.

“Can I have another chance?” I said. I could just imagine Colin swatting me if he were there. “You promised not to pester him,” he’d say.

Len’s easy, relaxed posture faded. He sat up straighter, rested his elbows on his knees, and looked down at his clasped hands. “As flattering as that is, let’s not go there, okay?”

Emotion built in me like a tidal wave that I had to hold back with a thin veneer of confidence. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I was sorry, that things would really work this time. None of that, though, would convince him I was anything other than desperate. I had to do this the right way, the hard way. “Just, let me know if you change your mind. You can call me anytime, okay?” Was that too desperate, I wondered.

He looked at me as if he wasn’t sure he’d heard me right. “Um, okay.”

“See you later.” I took two careful steps away from the door, then dashed for the exit and my car.

Hattie stepped up beside me as I tried to unlock my door by punching the right button on my keychain. “Hey,” she said.

“Hi. I know, I’m being stupid.” I gave up on the keychain and collapsed against the side of the car.

“This hasn’t got anything to do with me getting engaged, does it?”

I shook my head. “I called Len before I even knew about that.”

“Okay, well, so... I don’t know if it’ll help, but I’ll slip that into family gossip. My mom and his mom talk all the time.”

I looked up at her.

“Yeah,” she said, “my mom and I are talking again.”

“Wow, really?”

“Ye-ah... I apologized for putting her down and she apologized for cutting me off and... it’s not all perfect, but at least we talk. Look, can I ask you a huge favor?”

“Of course.”

“Do you have your endowment?” She wanted to know if I’d been through the temple. I knew that she hadn’t, but now that she was getting married, she would need to in preparation for her wedding.

“Yeah, I do.” I’d never let on that I had it, because I felt like it made me seem older. Petty of me.

“So... my mom wants to be my escort.” Everyone who went through the temple had an escort to help them through the ordinances, answer questions, and provide support.

“Your mom still got her temple recommend?” I asked. I didn’t know the details of how her mother had left the church, but I knew it had been years ago. If she’d had a temple recommend, it would have expired.

“No,” said Hattie, “but she’s working on it.”

“Wow.”

“I know. I just wonder... if she can’t get it before I need to go to the temple, would you be my escort?”

“Are you kidding?” That was a high honor. Escorts were nearly always family members.

“Please?”

“Of course. I mean, I hope your mom can do it, that is so great that she’s trying, but yes, I’ll be there for you no matter what you need.”

She hugged me, tight.

“S
o how did I do?” I asked Colin in my debriefing that afternoon over Skype, right before he went to work. “Did I make a fool of myself?”

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

“Think it’ll work?”

“If he’s still interested, yeah, it’ll work. And given the way he’s responded to you, he’s either still interested or very polite.”

“He is very polite. But he’s had a makeover. All of these girls are after him now.”

“Was anyone else trying to flirt with him after church?”

“No.”

“I think you’re just paranoid, then.”

“I hope so. But, listen, the second thing on the list is the perfect present. Examples are shoes and flowers-”

“Flowers,” Colin repeated with derision.

“Obviously he’s not going to want flowers. I was thinking maybe a new case for his smartphone? A new tie to go with his new shirts-”

“Those are typical woman gifts.”

“Is that bad?”

“Yes. You know what women like about flowers?”

“Um... it sounds like you have a theory about that. I would say just that they’re pretty.”

“They’re a complete waste of money. They’re expensive, and they last a few weeks at most. A guy who buys you flowers is saying, ‘I’m buying you something I would never buy otherwise, just because you want it.’”

“O-kay.”

“You buying him a phone case or a tie, that’s something for you. You want him to wear it so that he’ll look more like you want him to.”

“No, I’d like him to change back into his old clothes so that no one notices him. It’s not about me.”

“He’ll think it is.”

“So I should buy him flowers?”

“You should find out what is like flowers to him, you know? What’s something that you know he likes that you’d never spend money on, if you didn’t really fancy him?”

“Liiiike...”

“Like tickets to a sports match or a gift certificate to his favorite pizza place or-”

“Oh,” I said.

“You’ve got something?”

“Yeah. Okay. This’ll be interesting.”

T
he kid working behind the counter at the game store looked me up and down the moment I stepped in the door. He had a round face, glasses and hair that stuck straight up in tufts. If he weren’t in the company polo shirt, I imagined he’d wear a t-shirt with 20-sided dice on it that had rolled in a way that geeks would find hilarious. “You play
World of Warcraft?
” he asked.

“Um, I don’t really know what that is,” I confessed.

“Oh, right. You need directions somewhere?”