Panda to your Every Desire (5 page)

TOURING Scotland was
Italia ‘n’ Caledonia
by Mike Maran and Philip Contini, which tells the story of the many Italians who left sunny hillsides and emigrated to Scotland at the start of last century.

Mike tells us that the people of Lucca in Tuscany were famous for making wax figurines. Seven young statue-makers sought their fortune in Scotland and brought 1,000 little statues of the Virgin Mary all the way to Paisley – where they didn’t sell.

Anyway, one of the seven, a chap called Nardini, bought the statues from his six companions who returned to Italy. Nardini set to work and converted the 1,000 Marys into 1,000 Santa Clauses, sold the lot, and opened a cafe in Largs with the profits.

THE FABULOUS Dolly Parton was appearing at Glasgow’s SECC.

Fin Shearer in Newlands was shown a ticket for the event by a pal on which was printed “Dolly Parton (No support)” and naturally he couldn’t stop himself from commenting: “Her back will be killing her by the end of the night.”

THE EDINBURGH International Film Festival programme was launched with the Institut Français d’Ecosse as one of the venues. A receptionist at the Institut tells us that a chap once phoned and asked with some urgency if she could translate the French phrase “Frotti Frotta”.

Nervously wondering where the conversation was going, she told him it meant flirting or foreplay.

“Thanks hen,” replied the chap before hanging up, “that’s my crossword finished.”

RANDOM Edinburgh Fringe gag: “I wish I hadn’t arrested a magician last night,” said the policeman. “The trouble started when I asked him to empty his pockets.”

CREOSOTE-TANNED Martin Cabble, a dreadful/fantastic performer on TV show
Britain’s Got Talent
, appeared at the Fringe as camp cruise ship entertainer Kevin Cruise with tales of when he himself had such a job.

He reminds us of an old Diary favourite when he tells us: “You learn about the dark side of the cruise ship world. For instance, when they suddenly start serving lots of ice cream at dinner time, and everybody’s standing round getting excited at all the desserts on offer at the buffet, you know it’s because they’ve had to make room for poor Beryl who’s no longer with us.”

COMEDIAN Ruby Wax, performing her show,
Losing It
, along with singer Judith Owen, tells us she first appeared at the Edinburgh Festival twenty years ago, or as she put it: “I was here before the castle was built.”

She also reminisced about her student days in Glasgow at the RSAMD and recalled affectionately: “I went to Glasgow before it was Starbucked to death – when it was just an ashtray with a couple of stop lights.” Yes, happy days.

FOLK who care about such things were agog that Hollywood couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were in Glasgow for the filming of his zombie movie
World War Z
. Says reader Stephen Porteous in Edinburgh: “Brad and Angelina should visit the Barras while in Glasgow – as they’ll be able to buy a copy of their film as soon as they’ve finished shooting it.”

GLASGOW’S George Square was turned into Philadelphia for Brad Pitt’s zombie film. A reader claimed that in homage to Glasgow’s younger citizens, Brad is considering renaming the film
The Night of the Living Ned
.

RANDOM Fringe joke: “My job is testing theatre trapdoors.

“It’s a stage I’m going through.”

AUTHOR Janice Galloway, appearing at Edinburgh Book Festival, was reminded by event host Ruth Wishart of the advice Janice’s granny gave Janice when she was growing up in the Ayrshire seaside resort of Saltcoats.

The old lady would warn her: “Don’t go near the Glasgow folk Janice, they’re on their holidays. Anything could happen.”

RADIO 1 DJ Tom Deacon, whose Edinburgh Fringe show,
Can I Be Honest?
, was at the Pleasance Dome, had been flying back to London every week to record his radio show.

Returning to Edinburgh after the London riots, Tom was told by his taxi driver at Edinburgh airport who heard his accent: “Well pal, I bet you didnae think you’d feel safer in Scotland.”

GLAMOROUS Glasgow jazz trio, the Swingcats, recently met the lighting engineer of one of Britain’s biggest rock bands on a plane. He told them that one of the big stars in the band always carries a piece with him wherever he goes.

Says Swingcat Alyson Orr: “We told him that we carried pieces everywhere as well, as you’re never sure what the airline food is going to be like. We got quite excited about a world-famous rock star carrying a packed lunch until the engineer quietly pointed out he meant a gun, not tuna and sweetcorn.”

THE OSCARS were being discussed on the bus into Glasgow, where one chap declared: “I don’t get a gold statue for being good at my job, so why should they?”

RANDOM Edinburgh Fringe gag: “My friend said he would give me a tenner if I did a bungee jump.

“But I wasn’t falling for that.”

THE TROUBLED life of American actor Charlie Sheen was in the news. A reader sees the headline on one news website “Sacked Sheen Sues Show”, and wonders: “By the seashore?”

BUSY Scots author Des Dillon not only has a new novel out,
An Experiment in Compassion
, but he also did stand-up at Glasgow’s Tron Theatre where a fellow Coatbridge resident in the audience described her pal as a posh ned.

“She drinks Buckfast and talks posh,” the girl explained.

“A posh Buckie drinker?” said Des.

“Aye, she drinks it out of a cup at work so’s her boss doesn’t see her,” she continued.

“Where does she work?” asked Des.

“A care home.”

Needless to say the Glasgow audience thought this was hilarious.

A REGULAR visitor to Glasgow is quiz show host Anne Robinson, whose programme is recorded by BBC Scotland. A young chap who saw her get out of a taxi in the West End the other day tells us: “I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.

“It must have been the weakest Lynx.”

AMERICAN singer-songwriter Ryan Adams infuriated fans at a Glasgow gig by talking incoherently at great length between numbers.

Iain McGregor, who was there that night, tells us: “Someone shouted out, ‘Hurry up! I’ve to get to my work in the morning.”’

COMEDIAN Peter Kay’s show at Glasgow’s SECC sold out nearly two years in advance.

A Newton Mearns reader bought tickets at the time not realising the show was not until 2011.

When the ticket office worker pointed this out, our reader replied: “Two years? I could be dead by then.”

“Peter Kay could be dead by then,” replied the helpful ticket seller.

SINGER Darius Campbell was the handsome hunk prince at the King’s panto in Glasgow. As he turned to the audience and told them he would search all over the world for his missing Snow White, a woman in the circle couldn’t contain herself, and shouted out: “I’m up here!”

OUR TALE of the Australian jackeroo shooting the cinema screen reminds author Les Brown of seeing the film
Jaws
in New York when the haunting soundtrack indicated that the shark was approaching children swimming.

The chap sitting in front of Les jumped up and shouted: “Get out the water! Can you no’ hear the shark music?”

CINEMA interruptions, continued. Mike Fagan saw
Braveheart
in Kilmarnock, which began, of course, with the sombre killings of Scots by the English king, Edward Longshanks.

That was before the dramatic fightback, where the Scots under Wallace raise long pikes in front of the charging English cavalry, leading to the slaughter of both horses and riders. There was a massive cheer in the cinema with a chap in the back shouting out: “Aye, youse lot, this wan’s no goin’ tae penalties!”

ROBERT MURPHY, scriptwriter on the Stephen Tompkinson television series
DCI Banks
, knew he was back in Glasgow when he asked a shop assistant what forms of payment he could make.

“We accept,” said the assistant, “everything apart from American Express, and ginger bottles.”

PANTO dame Johnny McKnight was reading out the birthdays at
Snow White
at Stirling’s MacRobert Centre when a girl in the very back row jumped up and down when he announced her name.

Spotting her at the back, Johnny remarked: “Maybe for your ninth birthday, your parents will book earlier so you can see.”

AND AN actor who played the panto baddie in Glasgow some years ago says his favourite pantomime joke came in
Robinson Crusoe
at the King’s, when Rikki Fulton as the dame turned to Larry Marshall and declared: “Jings! Mah feet are killin’ me.”

“Whit’s wrang wi yer feet?” enquired Larry.

“Sciatica,” said Rikki.

“Hoo can ye ha’ sciatica in yer feet?” asked Larry.

“Well, these shoes are size six, an’ see ah take a seven.”

“I’M SURPRISED Colin Firth was up for an Oscar for his role in
The King’s Speech
,” said the chap in the pub the other night. “I’ve just seen the film, and Firth stumbled over most of his lines.”

RAGTIME blues band Pokey LaFarge & The South City Three, appearing at the Acoustic Music Centre during the Fringe, were recently interviewed on BBC Radio Devon. Asked what they were doing after their show, they said they would be cooking a “four-pint chicken dish” which their manager from Paisley had shown them.

When asked for the recipe, St Louis-born Pokey replied: “You throw the chicken in the pan with some potatoes, carrots, onions and stock. Then go out to the pub for four pints. When you return, it’s ready.”

WHILE in Glasgow for a show at Hampden Park, Sir Paul McCartney was jogging through Glasgow Green when he called in at the Winter Gardens for a cuppa.

When he said “Hello Samantha” to one of the Encore catering ladies – fortunately he didn’t actually burst into singing the Cliff Richard song – the star-struck lady asked how he knew her name.

“I’m a qualified clairvoyant,” Paul replied – then pointed at her name badge.

ALISTAIR SLOAN in Ayr was at the Jim Bowen show at the Fringe where an Edinburgh girl was asked in the general knowledge part of the game show: “Which old Queen was retired to Long Beach, California?” She answered: “Liberace.”

A LETTER in
The Herald
suggesting that comedian Billy Connolly should have worn a tie to receive the freedom of the city reminds us when Diary pal Russell Kyle accompanied Billy to Celtic Park, where they were receiving hospitality as guests of then Celtic owner Fergus McCann.

Just as they were about to meet Fergus, Russell realised Billy was tie-less and, as Fergus was a stickler for the convention that guests should wear shirts and ties, Russell quickly whispered to Billy that Fergus might say something.

Instead, Billy strode forward, shook Fergus’s hand and told him: “What kind of club is this you’re running? I’ve only been here twenty minutes and already someone’s nicked ma tie.”

A GOLF club philosopher asks us: “Why do the folk who get kicked off of
The X Factor
always say that this isn’t the last you’ll see of them?

As I’ve no intention of holidaying at Butlin’s, I’m pretty sure it is.”

CONGRATULATIONS to Paisley’s Paolo Nutini for winning best male singer in the Q Awards. When a local in a Paisley pub yesterday asked: “Did you hear who won the Q Awards?” someone piped up: “Elderslie Post Office on pensions’ day?”

A TABLOID newspaper reported that American rock band Kings of Leon want to play an open-air gig in Glasgow’s Bellahouston Park. An American reader tells us the band abandoned a concert in St Louis this summer as pigeons defecated on them. Bass player Jared Followill, interviewed on CNN, couldn’t say how many birds there were, and added: “The last thing I was going to do was look up.”

GLASGOW’S West End Festival included an acoustic music evening in memory of Allan Mawn, the West End restaurateur who tragically died.

We remember that before Allan opened Velvet Elvis and Pintxo restaurants, he was entertainments boss at Strathclyde Students Union where he hired the amiable panto-performing Krankies to do an adult-themed show for the students.

Janette, in her persona as Wee Jimmy Krankie, nodded at husband Ian and announced: “How sick is he? He likes his wife to dress up as a wee schoolboy.”

MISHEARD song lyrics occupied the minds of readers. “My mother was not at all surprised that Lucille left Kenny Rogers with ‘400 children and a crop in the field’,” says Ian Beattie.

JOHN ARMSTRONG in Dundee says: “Lucille? I always thought Kenny Rogers was complaining about a footwear malfunction, probably when he was running for a bus. ‘You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel!”’

SAYS Iain McGregor: “Every time I hear Creedence Clearwater Revival singing ‘Bad Moon Rising’ I always think they are singing, ‘There’s a bathroom on the right.’ Perhaps it’s something to do with being an architect.”

SAYS Alistair Hems: “I always thought Elvis had a problem with the child that was born on a cold and grey Chicago morning being brought up in the gateaux.”

ELISA YOUNG hears Rihanna singing her latest hit S&M with the chorus: “Whips and chains excite me,” and wonders if young Ayrshire women sing: “Chips and weans excite me,” instead.