Panties for Sale (36 page)

No, I think my third moment,
is going to have to be going to this therapist.
 
This crazy ass therapist.
 
Luann.
 
She has changed my life.
 
I can’t believe it.
 
Wouldn’t have believed it. But just making me
sit and write this shit down.
 
To go
through my life and to see what matters and what doesn’t. It’s a revelation.
 
And to realize that what I am doing is
actually worth something.
 
And that I’m
ok.
 
No.
 
I am more than ok.
 
I’m goddamned
bloody wonderful!

“Where are we going?”

“Patience, my darling,” Joseph kissed Alex on the cheek.
“So, what do you think?” he asked, as they drove through the intersection of
Yonge and Bloor.
 
“Do you like this
area?”

“Of course!
 
This is
heart of the city, why?”

The car turned down a one way street and onto a cobbled
driveway.
 
It circled around once and
then stopped in front of tall glass doors; the entrance to The Arbors, a very expensive,
very exclusive apartment complex.
 
Joseph
waited as the driver put the car into park, then he got out and opened the back
door.
 
He took Alex’s hand, wrapping it
around his arm and led her into the main lobby.
 
Alex didn’t have much time to look around as Joseph whisked her through
to the elevator, but what she did see; crystal chandeliers hanging from the
high ceilings, a marble floor covered in rich Turkish rugs, iron statues of
winged archers and urns overflowing with fragrant fresh cut flowers, was very
impressive.
 

The elevator rose swiftly and silently.
 
Within seconds, the doors swung open onto the
10th floor.
 
Joseph led the way down a
dimly lit hall like an excited 10 year old;
 
walking quickly ahead and then turning around, his eyes twinkling
mischievously as he watched to make sure she was following behind.
 
Finally, Joseph stopped at 1005, pulled out a
key and opened the heavy chestnut door. Alex’s footsteps echoed on the highly
polished hardwood floors as she stepped into the empty apartment.
 
She walked down a narrow hall into a large
open room.
 
Two of the walls were bare
and the other two housed huge picture windows showing sprawling views of the
tree tops and rooftops of Rosedale and the Don Valley Ravine.
 

“So, what do you think?”

 
“It’s nice,” Alex
was puzzled. “Are you moving here?”

“No,” Joseph brushed her hair away from the back her neck
and kissed her softly.

“So then, darling,” Alex turned and wrapped her arms around
Joseph’s neck, “why are we here?”
 
Joseph
looked into her eyes but hesitated. Alex was surprised.
 
He was always so confident.
 
Joseph smiled shyly then buried his face on
her shoulder. “You are,” he whispered.

“What?” Alex wasn’t sure she heard correctly. “Did you say
I am?”
 

“Well, I was thinking about it, about you,” he picked out a
strand of her hair and twirled around his fingers. “I think about you all the
time and,” he pulled her closer, “I want you, all the time, to myself.
 
I don’t want you to work.
 
I don’t want you to be an escort.”
 

“You don’t want to pay for me anymore?”

“No,” Joseph shook his head, “it’s not about the
money.
 
Really, I don’t care.
 
Already, I don’t pay for you all the
time.
 
No, I want you to be happy and
comfortable and not have to worry about money,” he looked around the empty
room.
 
“I found this apartment and I
bought it for you.
 
I will decorate it,
you can decorate it, I don’t care.
 
Just
live here, with me, and we can be together all the time.”
 
Joseph picked up her hands, and clasped them
to his heart.
 
“Alexandria, you are so important to me and I
don’t want to lose you.
 
I can’t lose
you.
 
And I don’t want to share
you.”
 
His eyes darkened.
 
“I never want to share you again.”

“Here,” he handed her an envelope, “this is yours.”
 
Inside was a set of keys and a credit card
with her name on it.
 
Was he serious?
Could she really live here, in this beautiful apartment?
 
And quit escorting?
 
And she would have Joseph?
 
All to herself?
 
Was she dreaming?
 
She couldn’t be dreaming.
 
She could never have dreamt anything so
wonderful, so completely perfect.

“Come,” Joseph took her by the hand. He led her through the
apartment, showing her the living room with the fireplace, where they could
hang a huge flat screen TV, the sunroom, the huge balcony, with room for potted
trees and lounge chairs for long lazy Sunday brunches, a deluxe bbq for summer
dinner parties, a kitchen with marble counter tops and all new stainless steel
appliances and white tiled floors, the master bedroom big enough for a king
sized bed with a window looking out over the treetops of Rosedale, the two
walk-in closets, one for each of them and the new master bathroom with matching
sinks, a stand up shower and a garden tub with a Jacuzzi.

“And all this is for me?”

“Of course,” Joseph laughed and pulled Alex close to
him.
 
“This is all for you!
 
Oh Alexandria,” he cried, spinning her around
in his arms, “we will be so happy.
 
Say
you will stay here and be mine.
 
Say you
will stop this silly job and be mine forever.”

Forever!
 
He just
said forever!
 
Alex’s head was spinning.
 
She looked at Joseph, his eyes were so open
and honest.
 
In that moment, Alex
realized how vulnerable he had become to her.
 
He was serious.
 
He really wanted
her, to live with him, to be with him.
 
He loved her!
 
Even if he didn’t
say it, he really did.
 
He didn’t have to
say it.
 
Alex could read it in his eyes.
She had never felt her heart beat so strong.
 
It took her breath away. All she wanted to do was to curl up into a
small ball and crawl inside his arms, wrapped up safe and secure in the warmth
of his heart.
 

But then her stomach dropped and she couldn’t breathe.
 
He’s going to know everything about me, she
realized.
 
He’s going to be around all
the time.
 
Can I trust him?
 
Will he really look after me?
 
Will it be ok?
 
So many emotions in one second, Alex felt
like her heart would surely burst, right then, right there, sending a million
tiny pieces exploding out through her chest.
  

Alex reached down and unbuttoned her dress, letting it fall
off her shoulders.
 
She didn’t
speak.
 
No words were necessary.
 

Joseph’s eyes flickered first with relief and then
hunger.
 
In one swift movement, Joseph
reached out, grabbed Alex and pulled her to him, wrapping her up in his
arms.
 
Together they dropped to the
floor, electricity surging through their bodies, tingling, burning, scorching
each other until they screamed out, surrendering to the ecstasy.
 
Never had Alex felt so open or vulnerable,
yet so protected and connected with anyone.
 
Joseph and Alex christened their new apartment over and over again that
day.
 

“Hai, yes, no, it’s right.
 
Please Dora, double book my days, as many as you can. Domo. Thank you.”
Chieko hung up the phone and sighed.

Seeing John again walking through the Eaton Centre, wrapped
around that awful girl had made Chieko feel what?
 
Angry.
 
Cheap.
 
Replaceable.
 
Discarded.
 
She wasn’t sure, every minute brought on a new emotion.
 
She was exhausted.
 
She hadn’t eaten.
 
She hadn’t slept.
 
Her body was buzzing, still shaking in
shock.
 
Was it shock though?
 
Why should she be shocked?
 
Of course, he was man, he would have to find
another girl to leech off of.
 
Men can’t
stay alone for a day.
 

Why did she care?
 
She didn’t want to care anymore.
 
He was gone.
 
If he had meant
anything he would have come back.
 
He
would have tried to make it work.
 
How
dare he?
 
How dare he treat her like
that?
 
He had promised that he would take
care of her. “Damé. And now, here I am, forgotten,” Chieko shook her head and
stared at the wall.
 
What made her so
easy so discard?
  

This had all been a horrible mistake; a mistake to come to
Canada, a mistake to leave her life, her training, her family, the only life
she knew, to follow John.
 

She had spent the last few months trying to convince
herself to move on.
 
She forced herself to
get up, get out, make money, start a new life.
  
But her heart.
 
There was her
heart still hoping that he would come back for her.
 
That John would somehow find her and come
back.
 
Tell her he was sorry, that he
missed her, he needed her.
 

He had saved her once.
 
He had. He had taken her away from Tokyo.
 
Maiko training was her parent’s dream, not
hers.
 
He told her she had to follow her
own dreams.
 
He made her feel like her
dreams counted.

“We can do it together, isshoni” John had said, sitting
squeezed beside Chieko on a wooden bench in a small isakaya in Shibuya.
  
“Chieko-chan,” he said making Chieko giggle
with his accent.
 
“You and me, tanomu,
kite. Come on, I’m leaving tomorrow night.
 
I bought you a ticket.
 
You have
to come.
 
How can you start your own life
if you keep doing what your parents want?
 
It’s your life Chieko-chan.”
 

“I know, John. I know.
 
But I can’t.” Chieko had said.
 
She took another sip of her beer. She was already late for curfew but
this time she didn’t care.
 
“It’s not the
Japan way,” Chieko tried to explain.
 
“My
parents will be disgraced.
 
Watashi no
oba-chan ga sinumae ni tore-ning no arenji wo sitekureta. (My grandmother
arranged my training for me just before she died).”
 
She wished she knew the English words to
explain.
 
“I am sorry, but I cannot.”

“Chieko, listen to me.
 
Do you really what to be a geisha?
 
To wear those baka kimonos and dress up for baka gaijin who just want
you to pose and look pretty?
 
To have
tourists follow you and people point and laugh at you?
 
You told me you hated it.”
 
John took Chieko’s hand.
 
“You hate it, the practice, the
studying.
 
I know you have a mind,
Chieko.
 
Chikusho, you’re smart!
 
Kimiwa tokubetudayo.(You are special)
 
You could go to university, you can be a
journalist, write for a newspaper, magazine, you can do anything you want.
 
You have talent Chieko.
 
You could do something important with your
life.
 
What can you do as a Geisha?”

“John,” Chieko paused and looked up at his big pleading
eyes.
 
She didn’t want him to leave her
all alone in Tokyo.
 
“What will I do in
Toronto?”

John smiled, “Whatever you want!
 
We’ll get an apartment right near the
university.
 
You’ll love it!
 
You can study English then take Journalism
courses at the University.
 
I’ll help
you. Yakusoku suru. (I promise)”

“But how?
 
What will
you do?”
 
Chieko knew, if she left with
John her parents would never help her again.
 

“I’ll get a job,” John had promised.
 
“I am a teacher.
 
Bokuwa senseida. I can teach anywhere.
 
Plus, I have enough money, if that is what
you are worried about.
 
Please Chieko,
come with me.
 
I don’t want to live
without you.
 
I can’t.
 
I love you.
 
Aishiteru.”

They had talked about it so many times before.
 
John was always talking about taking her away
to Toronto.
 
He would teach English and they would live in
a small apartment with a view of the lake.
 
And on sunny days, they could walk through the park with ice cream and
sit on the edge of the lake.

“Toronto has a big lake,” John would tell her, knowing how
much she loved the lake in Ueno park, “so big you can’t even see the other
side.
 
You can go swimming or in a sail
boat, but no swan boats.”
 
It had never
been real, she knew that.
 
It was all
talk, late night fantasies.
 
So why did
it all change?
 
Why on that night, did it
become real?
 

“Damé” Chieko shouted into the quiet air.
 
How could she be so stupid!
  
Why didn’t she stop and think, just for a
second before she slid silently down the drain pipe?
 
Before she ran all the way to Shibuya
station, straight into John’s waiting arms, not stopping once, not even to look
back at her ochiya.
 
“Not even to think,”
Chieko muttered to herself.
 
“How could I
have been so stupid?
 
I threw it all
away.”
 

“Am I doing it again?” Chieko wondered aloud.
 
“Is that what I am doing?
 
Am I looking for someone else to save
me?
 
Carl Roberts to fall in love with me
and whisk me off to a nice clean house with a white picket fence?”
 
She laughed aloud at that thought. Ok, maybe
not Carl.
 
And not Jay.
 
No, she was not doing it again.
 
She wasn’t going to fall for fairy tales
again.
 
“No,” Chieko said firmly.
 
“If anyone is going to save me again, it will
be me. I’ll save myself.”

She rested her elbows on the table and stared up at the
gray sky out through the tiny kitchen window.
 
It was the only thing Chieko liked about her kitchen.
 
If she leaned against the glass at the right
angle on a clear day she could actually see the bright blue waters of Lake
Ontario.

She reached for her tea cup and took out the small strainer
of tea leaves, placing it on the up-turned lid then lifted the cup up to her
lips.
 
She sighed.
 
Perfectly brewed, warm sencha green tea
always soothed her.
 
She got up and
grabbed a box of Oreos from the
cupboard. Why was she craving junk food?
 
This can’t continue, she reprimanded herself as she sat down and dunked
a cookie into her tea, popping it whole into her mouth.
 

Luckily, the bleeding had been nothing.
 
So there was one less thing to stress
about.
 
Chieko grabbed another Oreo
cookie and broke it in half, licking the white creamy center.
 
That doctor was weird though, Chieko
thought.
 
He looked a lot like Carl
Roberts with his red face fluctuating from light pink to dark crimson.
 
“Getting a little too rambunctious with the
new hubby, eh?” The doctor had joked with Chieko after her examination.
 

She had told him she was married.
 
Why had she done that?
 
She wasn’t.
  
But that’s why she was bleeding?
 
Because of sex?
 
Not just sex, she
clarified.
 
Random horrible rough sex
with men she didn’t know who didn’t give a damn about her.
 
No, it couldn’t continue.
 
Seeing John had snapped her out of it.
 
Something had to change.
 
Two months.
 
That’s all she could do.
 
8
weeks.
 
That was manageable.
  
She could be an escort for 8 more
weeks.
 
She would make as much money as
she could.
 
Then get the hell out.
 

Chieko grabbed another cookie, popped it into her mouth,
and then picked up her pen.

Honourable Father and Mother,
she wrote.
 

I am sorry.
 

“Nei Nei,” she crossed it out.
 
She took a sip of tea, closed her eyes and
leaned back in her chair.
 
The phone rang
making Chieko jump.

“Chieko, darling,” Angela sounded worried, “are you
ok?
 
How are you?
 
No, now, don’t worry.
 
None of your clients have complained, au
contraire, you are a very popular dish!
 
It’s just me, honey.
 
I’m worried
about you and your health.
 
How was the
doctor’s appointment?”

“Good.”

“Good, good.
 
Now,
Dora just told me that you wanted to book double appointments.
 
Is that wise?
 
Do you need money?
 
Are you in
trouble?”

“Oh yes, everything is fine.”
 

“Ok then darling, as long as you are not too tired.
 
I don’t want any dark circles under your eyes
ruining that beautiful face.
 
You are
sure nothing is wrong?” Angela asked again.

“No, really, I am fine.
 
I am good.
 
Just, well,” she
paused, “I need some money.”

“Anything serious?
 
Darling, I can give you a loan, if you need something quick. You didn’t
come to our investment group meeting, but we had quite a few girls show
up.
 
We would be happy to give you a loan
with that money.
  
That’s what it’s
for.
 
To help us and to help other girls.
Dora can set it up.
 
The interest is
really cheap.” Angela paused for a response, but Chieko was quiet.
 
“Well, I want to help if I can.
 
It’s not for a boob job, is it?
 
Because Chieko darling, you don’t need to
waste your money.
 
No, I know, some of my
girls have done it.
 
And some want
to.
 
But I always tell them straight
up.
 
Natural is best.
 
Work with what god gave you right?
 
If you love what you have, everyone else will
to.
 
And who wants to go through the
recovery and the pain?”

“No, no, it’s not.
 
No, I don’t need it fast.
 
I just
want to save some money.
 
I, maybe,” she
said slowly, “I want to go back to school.”

“Oh, wow!
 
A girl
with a brain!
 
I knew there was something
special about you Chieko.
 
Ok, well, you can
call me if you change your mind.
 
Especially if you’re using it for something good like your
education.
 
I can arrange the loan with
almost no interest at all.
 
Especially
for one of my girls. And I’m serious, give a thought about our investment
group.
 
It’s important to save some of
your money, and we can make it grow much quicker than in a bank.”

“Ok, thank you.”

“Yes, darling, do take care of yourself though.
 
Call me if you change your mind or get too
tired, ok?”

“Yes, thank you,” Chieko hung up the phone.
 
Why did she just tell Angela about
school?
 
That was just a thought.
 
She hadn’t even decided.
 
She had enough money saved for a flight back
to Tokyo, and at least enough to support herself until she could find a
job.
 
But tuition for the University?
 
She would have to work a lot more
appointments.
 
But, it could work.
 
Her marks from the Academy were so high, she
should still be able to enroll in the Journalism program.
  
They had offered her a scholarship the year
before, before she had run away with John.
 
She wouldn’t be allowed back into the Academy though.
 
And she knew that her parents wouldn’t help
her.
 
She doubted if they would ever
forgive her for running away and for wasting her grandmothers’ money.