Paper Cranes (36 page)

“…I…” I sobbed. “I do. I do love you so much. You’re going to need to hold my hand through this if you really and truly are going to stay. If you leave me here like Mel, that will literally kill me. I won’t recover, Lee. I’m entrusting you with my whole heart.”

“If I had any doubt in my mind that I would leave, I never would have started this. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you – that’s the one. I couldn’t wait to kiss you and once we did, I knew I would never be the same.

Did I love Mel, sure, but not the kind of love I feel when I’m with you; When you’re a kid, forced to grow up so quickly, it can scare the hell out of you and that’s exactly what happened. Orchestrating the support groups has been a huge reason I know I’ve changed.

Although Lee was pouring his heart out, my gut was pleading with me to walk away. To allow my guys to have a life they deserved – without me.

“As much as I hear what you are saying, I simply can’t. I refuse to be the one who makes you regret life and I refuse to be the reason Jackson has to grow up with someone leaving him again. I’m sorry, Lee. I am truly sorry.”

There was no changing my mind at this point. I just hope Lee can forgive me.

“I respect your wishes. It doesn’t mean I’m okay with your choice, but if that’s what you truly want…”

“Yes, it’s what I truly want.”

There were no other responses spoken, but only tears to solidify this horrible decision.

What now? How do I move on? I guess I’m going to find out what true heartbreak feels like. Stupid heart.

“K
at, come on, baby. You have got to get up. Two months is enough moping around.”

“It doesn’t feel like two months, Jo,” I said as I buried my face in my pillows.

“If you’re not willing to let him go, yes, it will feel like it was yesterday,” she rubbed my back to try and calm me down.

“Why did I do it, Jo?”

“For some reason you let them go – you love them and wanted to see them happy. It wasn’t out of hate or anger, but a good place deep inside. You can’t blame yourself for wanting the best for them.”

“Then why does it hurt so fucking bad?” I cried.

“Love, bebe. Pure and simple.”

“If I had known it was going to hurt this much, I wouldn’t have done it,” I chuckled.

“Isn’t that always the case? Our shouda, coulda, wouldas will always bite us in the ass.”

“I wonder how he’s doing, how Jackson’s doing.”

“Have you tried calling to find out?”

“I couldn’t bear it, Jo. Just hearing his voice would break me. And I’m terrified at what Betty would do if I tried to see them.”

“To be fair, that seemed pretty shitty of her to make you choose. Maybe you should go to a group meeting tonight? I can go with if you want? Moral support or an ass kicker if you need it.”

“But he’s going to be there, Jo.”

“Maybe, but you need to be around people who struggled just like you. Maybe Chris can help, you know, give you some helpful insight.”

“I can’t believe I’m letting you talk me into this,” I groaned.

Smacking my ass, “Up and at um, trooper!”

I will admit, I am a glutton for punishment. It had been nearly a two months since Lee and I had spoken at the junkyard. There was a sick and twisted part of me that needed to prove to him and myself that I didn’t need him, although, deep down I was devastated. And what better way to do that then to go to my monthly support group meeting.
Glutton is right.

After our breakup at the junkyard where I asked to go our separate ways, I suppose Betty got her wish. Her consolation prize from the breakup was a very sad Daisy. I didn’t want to give her to them, but I knew it would crush Jackson if he couldn’t see her again. I couldn’t bear to see Lee at the time, so the grandparents were my last resort. Lee’s schedule was too erratic for me to leave her with him.

Handing over her things was like returning your ex boyfriends old football t-shirt. The shirt that was nice and worn in and still smelled just like him. You don’t really want to give it up, but keeping it would be too painful. I was a coward in that aspect. I boxed Lee’s things, placing them on his porch knowing damn well he wouldn’t be there. Even I was disgusted with myself, but I couldn’t risk it. And, I definitely couldn’t risk seeing Jackson.

Jackson had become a huge staple in my life. Aside from Daisy, he was the closest I’ll ever get to being a mother of sorts. That alone tore me to shreds, however Betty was right. I needed to leave him before he saw the destructive effects of this disease; he had already been through so much as is. Lee needed to be with someone who would be there for Jackson long term, and that wasn’t me.

I know Betty had good intentions by thinking of Jackson first, but a small part of me wished she hadn’t meddled in our business. Who was she to decide whether Lee had truly changed or not? That shouldn’t have been her decision to make; however, she held more clout then Lee. Considering his past, he was terrified she would take Jackson away from him for good. I would rather leave then to see that happen.

Immediately after walking into the sanctuary with Jo, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me; burning a hole into me as I made my way across the room. As we continued to make our way over to Chris, I glanced at the refreshments table. For the first time in over four months since I had been coming to meetings, there, on the table was an extra canister label, “Hot Chocolate.” Set in front of it was a fresh bag of marshmallows, cinnamon and a can of whipped cream.

I had assumed it was specifically for me until I realized that that was Lee’s favorite as well. I half expected to feel Lee at my back, whispering sweet devotions, but that didn’t happen. In fact, I didn’t see him at all. Perhaps he was sick, or even Jackson was.
Oh my God, what if he turned to drinking again?

My mind began to race as I made my drink. Taking a seat next to Chris, I stared into oblivion thinking of all the horrific things that could have happened to him. Selfishly, I wanted to see him, wanted to know he was okay. Deep down, I wasn’t. I was barely keeping it together.

“Hey Chris, this is my best friend and roommate, JoJo. JoJo, the infamous Chris.”

“Nice to meet you JoJo. Killer boots, girl!”

“And I love you already, pleasure to meet you as well.”

“What’s up girl?” Chris said cheerfully. “Missed you last month.

“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling that great,” I lied and I hated to lie to Chris. She didn’t deserve that.

“Really? So, I guess Hot-For-Teacher was sick too. Strange coincidence, huh?” she and JoJo looked at one another with mischief.

“What?” I questioned.

“Yeah, rumor has it that some crazy bitch broke his heart. He’s been in mourning for a while.”

“I am not…”

“HA, I knew it!” she barked.

“What the fuck happened?” She asked, now unable to barely move her neck.

“Chris, I just couldn’t do it. My misery was staring me in the face and I felt it was better to let him go. I couldn’t bear to see him suffer when there is probably another amazing woman out there that can love him and his son and he would never have to worry about her dying in a couple years.”

“Did you ever consider that
he
should be the judge of that? That it wasn’t your decision to make for him?”

“See! Ha! I told you.” Jo screeched.

“Maybe
I
was being the selfish one who was trying not to get hurt.”

“I think you need to talk to him. He looks like he’s hurting just as much as you are, sweetheart. Guys are masters at disguising that shit,” she giggled.

“I think I burnt that bridge a long time ago. I just need to let that sleeping dog lie.”

“That’s total horseshit, Kat, and you know damn well,” said Jo.

“Suit yourself, babe. I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

“Thanks, Chris. I appreciate it. And Jo, fuck off,” I snickered.

And I did, I truly did appreciate their kindness even if it was brutally honest. I lifted my chin to meet eye-to-eye with Lee. He looked horrible, if that was even possible.

Seeing him across the room, I wanted to go back to the way things were, where he called me his little Dove. I wanted to go back to tracing his tattoo with my fingertips, as we lay naked in bed together. I wanted to kiss his stupidly perfect lips and stare into his stupidly perfect brown eyes. I wanted to melt into his embrace when things got too rough, and hear him say everything was fine because he was there. But mostly, I just wanted him.

He lifted his head to acknowledge my existence, then relaxed into his chair as if it were just another meeting. Yeah, another meeting where we talked about our impending futures instead of living them. Where Kenny would make some obscenely inappropriate sexual joke, while Barbara tried desperately to convince him to take a walk on the wild side with a cougar. Where Chris would blurt out answers like blowjobs and sex in her wheelchair, but all that was tainted now.

Lee stood to take the podium ready to talk about some sort of topic I couldn’t register. Visions of the past, our relationship, memories and the countless paper cranes whirled in my head like Dorothy stuck inside a tornado. Before I knew it, tears started to build behind me eyes. I tried desperately to keep them at bay as Lee spoke, but it was too much.

Lifting his head from the podium, he stopped mid-sentence staring into my red rimmed eyes. He glared at me, seeing the pain and hurt, as I dabbed the corners of my eyes. He dipped his head, furrowing his brow as if he and he alone were the cause of my pain. But it wasn’t just him, it was me too. I was just as much to blame for getting to this atrocious place we were in right now.

“You know, four months ago, I stopped to help this young lady with car problems,” he began.

My ears instantly perked up.

“Ha,” he chuckled under his breath, “she was stubborn, hard headed and completely untrusting and rightfully so. You see, earlier that day, she had been diagnosed with ALS. You all remember what it felt like to first be told about the disease, right?”

The group echoed, yes.

“She was a tough cookie alright, spitfire. Looking back on it now, she was so strong. Hell, she still is the strongest woman I’ve ever met.”

Under the tears, I let out a silent giggle.

“She took a picture of my I.D. that night before she even let me help her. Come hell or high water she was going to cover her ass,” he laughed. “She even got mad at me because I didn’t kiss her right away, but I wanted it to be perfect just like her. You know what she did once I kissed her?”

“What?” the group asked.

“She told me she wanted to be friends.”

“Eww, burn!” Kenny chirped.

“I look back on it now and I’m so thankful she did that though. She wasn’t just the girl I was trying to obtain, but the best friend I hadn’t known I was looking for. I fell fast and hard for her, through horrible dancing, swimming with pigs, and even seeing her sick as a dog. It didn’t matter to me. She was and will always be beautiful, kind, strong, adventurous and so many more adjectives.”

“Don’t get me wrong though. Oh, and I tried to get her to be my girl, desperately.”

“Yeah you did,” I said from my seat.