Paranoiac (15 page)

She grasped my arm and pulled me into
the hallway. Looking lovingly into my eyes, she broke my heart.
“I’m so glad you met Davis. He is such a great guy-” That sentence
made my heart sink yet she definitely wasn’t finished yet. “Izzy,
Davis proposed to me a few weeks ago. He got a job here in America
and we’re getting married!” She hopped up and down, then hugged me
violently. I was so glad she couldn’t see my face while I was in
her arms. “I know it’s a bit fast and I know everyone will probably
think he’s just marrying me to get a green card but I don’t care!”
She said after she finished hugging me. Her face was red from
excitement. “I wanted to tell you first because I wouldn’t have
even met him if it wasn’t for you supporting my all of my trips.” I
hugged her gently and lethargically trying to keep it together.
Time almost stopped for me. Everything was happening so fast but my
world was slowly shattering to pieces. I watched her walk into the
kitchen and stand by Davis. Not too long after that moment, she
gathered everyone together and made her big announcement public. I
had to hear her say it again but it was worse the second time
around. Everyone was clapping and cheering. She was getting hugged
and kissed. Then as Davis smiled brightly, everyone did the same to
him.

I knew it had been too good to be
true. Still I wanted to be with her so badly. I’ve always wanted to
be with her and it wasn’t fair. Davis was a great guy? Wasn’t I a
great guy? Didn’t I give her the money to travel, to chase her
dreams? Wasn’t I the one who got her through college? None of this
was fair at all. I could see why I erased this memory, why I had
been protecting myself for all these years. This was just as bad as
when she gave me the friend-zone speech all those years ago. Still
I shrugged off my heartbreak, looked Molly in the eyes and told her
I was happy for her. She hugged me and when I turned around to lick
my wounds the tiny, loud party blurred around me.

Journal Entry Twenty Six

Light seemed to stream
past me, it was dizzying. I heard laughter and playful yelling,
even the splash of water. The craziness around me subsided and
suddenly
I was sitting by the
pool
. I looked around the
scene, to patio and statue garden. Hours had seemingly passed by in
an instant. Everyone was drunk and high, including me. As I sat in
melancholy with my naked feet in the pool, I watched everyone party
happily. Davis and Molly were flirting obnoxiously in the statue
garden. Hanna, Josie, Vince, Rosanna, Amy and James were all
playing or lounging in the pool. The only person missing was
Senter. He got a little too drunk, a little too high too and passed
out in the living room. Though he was always a competitive drinker,
in the end he always loses.

Amy swam up to me, her face was
blushed and red from drinking. “What’s wrong Izzy?” She asked,
furrowing her brow. I knew the answer but I didn’t want to say it
out loud. If I said it out loud, it would be final. It would
destroy my already sullen composure. I’ve always kept my love for
Molly secret and silent. “Well?” Amy pressed on. Her hand moved up
to my thigh leaving a dark wet spot on my jeans. I looked at James
who was talking to Rosanna and Josie. If he knew Amy was flirting
with me, he would lose his mind.

“
I’m just a bit
melancholy,” I smiled gently. Amy smiled back and bit her
lip.

“
Why so sad?” She teased,
her cheeks even more red. She was beautiful, I had to admit, though
she was slurring her words heavily. Amy really was the only girl
besides Molly that could make my heart thump like this. Perhaps
though it was the booze, weed and heartache.

“
I am sad,” I said pausing
for effect as I brushed her wet hair from her face. “Because I know
after this party, I probably won’t see you guys for a while. I’m
melancholy because this party has to end.”

Amy seemed to frown for a moment.
“Isaac, I know why you are really sad,” She said matter-of-factly
looking over at Molly. “It’s because of Davis.” Pulling herself out
of the water, she sat next to me. We sat for a moment, just looking
at each other. It was for a bit longer than I wanted. “Zac, I know
you love her. That’s why anything between you and me would fail.”
She kissed my cheek and put her mouth to my ear. “But we can forget
about that for tonight.” As she spoke she started to rub my inner
thigh. “I can help you forget about her. I can make it all go
away,” She whispered into my ear softly and then started to kiss my
neck. I didn’t know what to do, Amy was beautiful and I can’t deny
that there was chemistry between us but all I could think about was
Molly and her engagement.

Luckily, James called out for Amy
before I could stutter an answer. She kept kissing my neck,
ignoring her brother. He couldn’t see us behind the rocks that
supported the waterfall. “Hey Amy!” James called out loudly again,
sounding almost as drunk as his sister. You could hear a hint of
urgency in his voice.

Amy soon sighed and pulled away from
me, quivering slightly. “Sorry Izzy,” She said, her eyes filled
with disappointment and frustration. “You know how he gets,” Amy
mumbled, leaving. I could see how annoyed she was by the way she
walked away. Secretly however, I was glad he called for her. I
crawled off the edge of the pool and went to the patio avoiding
James’s glare as he whispered into Amy’s ear. Their relationship
had always creeped me out, yet ultimately it was James who gave me
the heebie-jeebies.

I was way too drunk and needed water.
My mouth was so dry and I could feel a headache edging through my
temples. I tripped my way to the sun-room door and tumbled inside.
Again, the world around me smeared out of sight. It made me feel
sick and my drunken wooziness made it worse. I couldn’t tell up
from down and I refused to open my eyes. I just wanted it to
pass.

I felt myself sink into something soft
but I refused to open my eyes because of my dazed queasiness. There
were soft conversations from the couples around me. Vince and
Rosanna whispered sweet nothings to each other, while Amy was
telling James about her breakthroughs at work. Josie and Hanna were
showering one another with adulation and tiny, secretive kisses.
And finally Molly and Davis were both talking about their
wedding.

Hearing about their damned
wedding made me feel even sicker. I didn’t want to open my eye, to
see how happy they all were. It revolted me, sending jealous
shivers up my spine. Images of their wedding kept popping up in my
mind. Her perfect dress. His perfect smile. And their friends and
family would shower them with adoration. Then there would be Molly
and Davis’s perfect, beautiful dance. Everybody would be watching
them twirl around lovingly. They would all be envious of her
gorgeousness and their love. Everyone except for me. I would be
sitting at the bar drinking myself to death. Her betrothal was my
suicide. I’ve spent so many years pining for her and staying single
only for this to happen. Their perfect wedding was supposed to
be
our
perfect
wedding.

My eyes flickered open when Molly
started giggling. Probably from something the amazing Davis said. I
looked around the living room hazily and saw everyone lounging on
furniture, except for Senter, as he was passed out on the floor,
quietly snoring. “I’m sorry did we wake you Izzy?” Molly questioned
with concern.

I forced a fake smile on my face and
started to shake my head, “No, it’s fine. I was just feeling dizzy
so I was just resting my eyes.” She smiled her picture perfect
smile and went back to whispering in Davis’s ear. That smile was a
drug to me. No matter how apprehensive I got with her, that smile
washed my anger away. Yes, I was jealous. Of course I felt
contemptuous towards Davis, towards anyone who was happy and in
love. In the end nothing could make me feel better about their
engagement. It felt so final, like after they were wedded I would
cease exist. She wouldn’t need me anymore, especially if they had
children. I would just politely fade away from her life. Only their
yearly family Christmas cards would come to remind me of what we
could have had. I couldn’t let myself disappear like that. I had to
do something, anything.

I stared at Davis’s flawless white
teeth contrasting against his skin, as he grinned. I deserved to be
with Molly just as much as he did, if not more. I’ve always been
there for her. I was the shoulder to cry on, the one who was always
there when she called, when she needed something. I was always
there to hear her drama, there to nurse her after some asshole
broke her heart or took advantage of her. And it's just like I’ll
do after Davis breaks her heart. He would probably cheat on her or
abuse her or run off after the first kid. I felt like it was my
responsibility to protect her. She needed me more than she knew. If
I could just tell her how I felt, maybe I could change her
mind.

I was feeling drunk and sick. My mind
was wandering on what-ifs and could-be’s, though I knew she would
turn me down. It would be just like when we were in college. The
more I thought about Molly the shittier I felt. Feverishly, I
composed speeches meant just for her but a sober part of me kept
cooing me into submission. I needed to get away from Molly and
Davis. My world was violently twisting out of control and my
stomach was lurching.

I shot up out of my chair and ran down
the hallway. My environs were tilting and foggy and awful. I could
hear someone calling my name but all I could do was focus on
getting to the bathroom. Propping myself on the wall, I crawled up
the stairs, gagging the whole way up. The moment I got upstairs and
into the bathroom I vomited into the sink. I slid down weakly, my
back to the cabinets and started crying. I let it all out, the
marriage, Davis, my loneliness, it all cascaded out of
me.

I just sat there sobbing miserably
into my arms. My nerves were shot and my body was shaking. I
couldn’t live like this anymore, living with a trivial, school yard
secret that ate at me. I had refused to tell anyone before because
I felt like I didn’t deserve her, that I didn’t deserve to be
happy. She needed to know how I felt though even if I could never
see or be with her again. I hoisted myself up, muscles aching and I
looked at the sad man in the mirror. I looked awful and feeble but
at least my wooziness was gone. “You have to tell her,” I
whispered, trying to summon up the courage to say what needed to be
said. The bathroom was quiet and the party was miles away. Cleaning
myself up, I washed out my mouth and took several deep breaths. I
was finally going to shed my secret and live a life I’ve been
wasting.

Journal Entry Twenty Seven

Taking several deep breaths I opened
the door and was met with what could only be fate. Molly was
standing there, worry strewn across her face. “Mo-Molly?” I
stuttered, tongue tied at just the site of her.

“
Izzy, are you okay?” She
slurred lightly, her eyes were tearing up. “I saw you run off, so I
came to check on you.” She smiled slightly, worry still marking
that amazing face.

I took a step closer to her and gave
her a hug. Her dress was so thin and her body was so warm against
mine. “It’s fine, I had a little too much to drink is all,” I said
trying to comfort her.

She frowned sadly, “I-I heard you
crying.” Molly took a step back, still frowning. “You’ve been
distant and sad all night.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
“You can tell me anything Isaac.”