Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (12 page)

Never say nothing on the assumption that your child knows you are
pleased.

Be as specific as possible. Being specific tells your child how to
please you and what it is that has generated your praise. Never
assume that he understands exactly what has given rise to the
praise. For example, `Good boy for saying thank-you', `That's
good, it really pleases me when you're polite like that' are better
than the nonspecific `Well done', `Clever lad'.

Try to set up opportunities for overheard praise, when your child can
hear you talking positively about him to someone else. For
example, when on the phone to Granny or Dad and in earshot of
your child, say something like `He was really good today - he
tidied his room, really set an example to Ronnie and his friends.'

If someone calls round, make a point of getting him to
`overhear' you reporting how well he is doing (even if there is little
to report, bend the truth a little). Children will live up to a good
reputation as readily as they will live up to a bad one.

Praise often - you cannot praise too much, and there is always
something else you can notice to praise.

There appears to be a myth - probably dating from the
1940s - that if you praise a child too much you will produce a
cocky, precocious individual. The result has been that British
parents, in particular, have held back overt expressions of approval
and praise. But there can be no doubt that the best way to raise a
child to become emotionally secure, to have high self-esteem and
to be generous to others in later life is to praise him and tell him
how fantastic he is, throughout childhood.

Immediate praise is more valuable than the promise of future rewards. I am
not a great believer in the delayed-gratification approach, by
which I mean saying things like `Keep up the good behaviour and
we'll see what you get on Saturday.' Working towards a larger
reward, which takes time to earn, can work, but ADD kids
sometimes stumble along the way. If their hope for a treat is
dashed because they took one step forward and two back, they will
feel disappointed, even despairing. These feelings get expressed as
anger, which will drive parent and child apart. Remember that for
children, a big treat as a way of saying `Well done' is much more
exciting, and therefore more effective, when it comes as a surprise.

• Be spontaneous - Just do it.

Frequently asked questions

Q_ `Arent you saying I should praise him for what he should be doing, but isn't?'

A: Absolutely. He's not doing it, and praising him stands a good chance of
making it happen.

Q. `I seem to be doing all the giving, becoming a complete softie.'

A: ADDapt is designed this way. I have `softened you up' for a purpose.
Problems arise in ADD children because they learn the three Cs of
confrontation, criticism and control too early. By focusing on the three As
of acceptance, anticipation and approval I hope to have increased the
emotional connectedness between you and your child.

Q. `What about the other kids - won't they feel all these verbal rewards show
favouritism?'

A: So what? Tell them you love them just as much, but you are trying to
improve things for their brother or sister. If it is not too complicated and
they are old enough, why not recruit them to help you in offering positives
to their sibling?

RECAP

• Task 1 - praise whatever your child is currently doing well.

• Task 2 - praise whatever you want to see more of.

FINAL TIP FOR SUCCESS

Perhaps you are missing some opportunities for praise! Remember
what the American writer Dale Carnegie wrote in his book How to
Win Friends and Influence People. `Flattery works even when people
know you're doing it' (1930). Do not worry that too much praise
could be counterproductive. Making a child feel better about
himself through praise has no drawbacks whatsoever.

NOTE

It really enforces your ability to praise and encourage your child if you can
surround yourself with praise and encouragement. Getting your partner, friend or
relative to read this chapter might galvanise him or her into showering you with
praise and support. We all have the knack of pointing out what others could do
better! As a parent with an ADD child, you need loved ones to back you up. They
can do this by employing the techniques in this chapter - spotting what you are
doing right, praising you for it and repeating it until you believe it. See also
Appendix 1, `Working in Partnership'.

To make your child's behaviour change you need to master three
communication skills over all others:

1. praising so as to boost self-esteem (Step 4): You have made this first
step and you are praising like mad...so here's some more from me -
well done!

2. ignoring negative attention-seeking (Step 5)

3. giving clear commands (Step 6).

Step 5 shows the powerful ignoring strategies you need so as to eliminate
from your lives the dominance of tantrums, whingeing and endless
demanding. Ignoring `silliness' is as important as praise, but it can be a lot
more difficult.

In Step 5 you will learn:

• why children with ADD are hooked on attention-seeking

what to ignore

• how to ignore it.

Your only new task is to read the section below and undertake the exercise at
the end.

Your next big challenge

Along with praising good behaviour, ignoring attention-seeking is your next
big task. We all know what we're talking about here. An ADD child will tend
to interrupt all the time; is likely to throw a tantrum if her demands are not
satisfied instantly; will demand attention now; will create havoc if asked to wait one minute; will always want to be the centre of attention, and will play
the fool to get it.

The negative-attention trap

There is nothing unusual about children wanting all the attention they can
get. The attention they like best is praise and active interest. But negative
attention - the sort they get when they are naughty - is better than no
attention at all.

Attention that kids want

Praise and interest are best O

Negative attention is second-best O

No attention - can't stand it! O

All young children can be naughty, just to keep a parent's eyes focused on
them. But, in time, most learn how to get positive attention by being good.
Positive attention is better than the negative kind, so being good gets to be
more common than being bad. What is unusual about children with ADD is
that they appear to stay hooked on naughty, negative attention-seeking
behaviour throughout their childhood. They don't grow out of it the way
other children do. This is the Negative-Attention Trap!

ADD children get caught in the Negative-Attention Trap because it is so
hard for them to please you by being good. If it were easy for them to play
quietly for ten minutes or do as they are told, they would do this to please
you, but it isn't. When they do try to be good they usually get things wrong.
And they so often get it wrong that they tend to receive far too little positive
attention to feel really secure - even in the most loving household.

But like all children they learn quickly that disruptive behaviour does
grab your attention. It's not the best kind of attention, but it is attention, and
it's easy for them to get it. So they lap it up. Bad behaviour gets them noticed,
and being noticed makes them feel important. Bad behaviour also tends to
mean that less is expected of them, which means fewer demands are made of
them to do the things they find most difficult. For example:

It is time for Harry (aged six) to put his toys away ready for his bath
and then bed. His mum, Karen, asks nicely, 'Put your toys in the box,
please.'

Ten minutes later he is playing on - he is wrapped up in the game;
he doesn't want a bath.

Mum raises her voice: 'I told you to put those away!'

Harry now throws a tantrum, hurling Lego around the room. Mum
is now shouting at Harry. At the same time she is going around the room
tidying up the mess he has created.

In one simple outburst Harry has:

gained masses of attention

delayed the bath

and

• has Mum all to himself.

Making the change

Shouting, arguing and smacking do not stop naughtiness because they are
still types of attention - they result from the child being naughty in the first
place. Paradoxically, punishment may actually 'reward' the bad behaviour.
Negative attention-seeking will have become a deeply ingrown pattern
which is rarely changed by medication alone, and certainly not by an appeal
to the child's reason.

To pull your child out of the Negative-Attention Trap you must adopt a
twofold approach:

1. You must reward good behaviour like crazy, making it as easy as
possible for her to get positive attention - the best kind. And you are
already doing this.

2. You must stop 'rewarding' her with your attention for being naughty.

Your motto from now on must be: Starve the bad (of attention) and feed the
good (with attention and praise).

What to ignore and what not to ignore

Every time you give attention to silly, irritating behaviour your child spots
the way to keep your attention focused on her. Because it works she will do
more of it. If it stops working, she will do less of it, especially if she is
increasingly able to get your attention by behaving well. From now on you
need to be much more selective over the naughty behaviour you respond to.

The recipe is simple: to starve attention-seeking you have to ignore more.
It sounds easy, but I know it's not. In practice, ignoring can be a toughie. So
you have to be clear about:

• what behaviour you must definitely ignore

what behaviour you must definitely respond to.

I can tell you now that you should definitely:

° Ignore pestering for sweets all the way around the shops

° Ignore her rude demands to have her own way instantly

Ignore silly tantrums when she doesn't get her own way

° Ignore silly habits designed to get on your nerves and grab lots of
attention, like flicking food at the table.

But there are things you can't ignore:

° Don't ignore a risk that she might hurt herself.

° Don't ignore something that could hurt others.

° Don't ignore actions that might destroy something you can't replace.

Protection must be your priority and you must always act to make the
situation safe. You have no choice.

The following table illustrates these issues. It is a record of 15 minutes of
interaction between Helen and her son Harry in their own home. Helen
wanted help to cut down the dire problems she was having with Harry's
defiance. As a first step I needed to assess whether she was actually
rewarding Harry's attention-seeking behaviour with too much attention.

The sequence may be somewhat familiar. But what could Helen do to change
this situation?