Passing It On: Growing Your Future Leaders (28 page)

That night I was able to observe him directly and to see how he listened intently to others, waited with thoughtful meditation
before he calmly answered questions about his painful past. I noticed how he used his hands to gesture and how he wore the
unique shirt that has become a trademark. I
was for the first time understanding what true mentoring is, even while accepting that this was not the nature of our relationship.
I was interacting with true character.

I realized that true mentoring involves more than distant observation of a character or person. Mentoring is more than reading
the writings of an author, even though that might inspire and motivate you to act on the ideas. Mentoring is more than learning
about the accomplishments and achievements of another person or admiring their dedication to a cause or vision. Those things
might ignite your own passion and encourage you to dream and believe in your vision, but they are not examples of mentoring.

I came to understand that true mentoring is the intentional submission of one person to the personal influence, counsel, instruction,
correction, observation, understudy, and intimate exposure of another person’s life, environment, lifestyle, actions, and
behavior. That includes their processing of ideas and management of a variety of circumstances in life. Submission to mentoring
requires expectation and accountability on both sides. This submission is with a verbal or official understanding and agreement
that the relationship is for the purpose of mentorship. In essence, mentoring requires mutual agreement between both parties.

I had to accept the fact that President Mandela was an inspirational character, a role model, a motivational icon, and an
example of sacrifice and commitment to a cause, but not my official mentor. We had no agreement or mutual consent as a teacher
and a student. You could say my relationship with President Mandela was “distance learning.”

I have since traveled to South Africa almost every year to facilitate leadership training seminars and conferences and have
encountered him only one other time, but Mr. Mandela will forever be an inspiration and motivation to me.

If mentoring is to be effective and successful, then the two parties in a mentoring relationship must reach an agreement and
have an explicit understanding at the outset. As in marriage, the relationship will work better if the two understand each
other’s expectations.

“You have been my mentor for years,” people tell me.

“How is that possible?” I normally ask. “I do not know you.”

“Oh, I have read your books,” they say. “I watch your television programs.”

I tell them, “Then I may have inspired or motivated you, but I would not say I am your mentor.”

That is not mentoring in its true sense. As I said earlier, this is distance education, not mentoring. You can become a disciple
of leaders through their resources, materials, or programs, but that is different from mentoring. True mentorship involves
face-to-face, direct, and interactive communication.

I think we witnessed a misunderstanding about the mentoring agreement during the 2008 presidential campaign in the United
States. The media frequently characterized the American pastor Jeremiah Wright as a “mentor” of Barack Obama, who was then
a senator and candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination. It is clear, however, that no agreement on mentorship
had ever existed between them.

When Obama arrived at Wright’s church years earlier, it was not as a mentee seeking direction. He went there as an adult looking
for a place to fulfill his spiritual needs and his desire to help the community, not to be mentored by the Reverend Wright.
Young Obama had heard that the church lived out its Christian values through the kind of community projects that he wanted
to do as well.

The frequent use of the term “mentor” in the context of their relationship was unfair. As far as we know, the Reverend Wright
never said, “I am going to train you and mentor you. You are going to do what I say. Follow me.” No. The fact that Obama attended
the church does not mean the pastor was his mentor. Obama did not say to the minister, “I’m here to learn from you. I submit
to your authority and teaching. I want you to mentor me.” Neither did the relationship evolve into one of mentorship. They
never had an agreement.

This is an essential point, as millions of individuals commit themselves to many churches, mosques, temples, clubs, and other
civic or religious organizations. They, or others observing them, could make the mistake of regarding their relationship with
the leader in that environment as an official mentorship relationship. They are not necessarily that. If you attend a church,
the pastor is not automatically your mentor. He is your pastor and
spiritual instructor. His words and example might inspire you, but the two of you have no personal agreement for true mentoring.

As I noted earlier, mentorship is an intentional, conscious agreement between two individuals. It is intimate. It is explicit.
To determine whether a mentorship exists, examine the specifics of the relationship. Was Barack Obama at Pastor Wright’s side?
Did Obama carry the minister’s Bible for him or spend days at his house? Did Obama travel with his pastor? No. Then no mentoring
agreement was in place.

Even people in a relationship may assume that a tacit mentorship agreement exists, but you cannot assume that someone is your
mentor or mentee. The mentor must agree consciously and explicitly to mentor. At times, we assume or presume that we are training
someone, or that someone is training us, when that is not the case. Many times people want you to train them, help them, or
develop them, but no communication has taken place between the two parties. That is like expecting a marriage to take place
when the parties have had no first date, no courtship, no engagement, and no license issued. Mentorship has to be an agreement.
You want me to mentor you, and I decide to do it.

Again, mentorship requires commitment, dedication, submission, responsibility, and, most important, accountability. One reason
an agreement is so important is that the relationship will require the mentor to assign tasks, offer correction, or dispense
discipline. The parties must agree beforehand that the mentee will carry out tasks and accept the mentor’s discipline.

One of the greatest examples of a mentoring agreement is the relationship between the greatest leader in history, Jesus Christ,
and His mentees. Let us take a brief look at His official relationship-agreement process. At thirty years old, this Jewish
teacher or rabbi, Jesus, was clear on what He wanted to achieve. He knew His vision and mission, and He was dedicated to fulfilling
them. You may recall His initial encounter with three of the men who would become His first mentees. These men were business
owners. They operated a fishing business in a little town on the northern coast of the Sea of Galilee, the large lake that
empties into the Jordan River, flowing all the way to the
Dead Sea in the south. Peter and his brother Andrew, along with James and John and their father Zebedee, were partners who
worked these waters for most of their lives.

The account of their first meeting with Jesus tells us the encounter took place at the shores of the lake one morning. They
had fished all night, but were unsuccessful in securing a catch. One could assume they were depressed, frustrated, and discouraged.
After all, fishing was their livelihood and fulltime profession. It was in this circumstance that the Jewish villager Jesus
approached them. After solving their business and economic problem, He intentionally invited them into a mentoring relationship.
Let us read this account:

Luke 5:4–11
When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered,
“Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When
they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners
in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter
saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” For he and all his companions were
astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus
said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will catch men.” So they pulled their boats up on shore,
left everything and followed him
.

The New Testament gospel record of the former tax collector and accountant Matthew, who was also an official mentee of Christ,
also gives an account:

Matthew 4:18–22
As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were
casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”
At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on
from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee,
preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and
immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him
.

It is important to note that Jesus did not allow them just to wander after Him. He invited them specifically, and He established
the expectation and accountability factors of the mentorship relationship: “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make
you fishers of men.” Did they intentionally agree and accept the invitation?

The gospel writers confirm that they did.

Luke 5:11
So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

Matthew 4:21–22
Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.

Here it is clear that He invited and they accepted. After that they followed Him daily, observed, listened, watched, and accepted
His correction for more than three years. Their relationship required an agreement of mutual commitment, dedication, submission,
and accountability. Theirs was a true mentoring relationship. It was all in the agreement.

The mentor must be careful to choose wisely for the right person to mentor. As I travel around the world speaking at leadership
conferences and corporate training seminars, many people approach me and express how much influence one of my lectures, books,
or broadcasts has had on them. Such comments always humble me, and I find them to be a source of personal encouragement and
satisfaction. However, many people also come to me and say they want me to mentor them. I usually respond by asking them questions
to understand the motives for their request. I observe them for a little while and listen carefully to their responses.

I find that many of them are genuinely interested in receiving help and want to learn. If I feel they could be considered
as a potential candidate for my mentoring program, I ask them to write to receive my mentorship introduction packet. It includes
a number of introductory items, along with a questionnaire and application to ascertain their deep motivation and understanding
of the demands of mentoring.

However, occasionally I also encounter those who do not really want to be mentored or taught by me, but rather they want to
be
me. In essence, they want what I have more than they want to learn how I got it. They are driven more by personal ambition
than by a personal desire to submit, learn, and grow through a process. These are the kinds of characters that believe you
can wave a wand and make them an instant you. They do not have the right attitude.

As a public figure who has achieved a measure of success, I will always attract interesting characters. Many people have approached
me and said they wanted to serve me as an assistant or volunteer to learn from me. Sometimes I allow them to work around me
so I can observe their attitude and the content of their heart.

After a while their true motives are exposed. Some really want to serve me, but others want to use me. I discover their real
motive was to use their association with me to boost their status, expand their personal network, or to use the age-old advantage
of name-dropping by being able to say or claim they know me. These are not potential mentees. These are parasites to avoid.
I have experienced these shady spirits so frequently during the years that I am now able to discern them very early and not
give them access to my personal space or valuable time. I learned that not everyone who wants to “help” is a helper.

I have identified some qualities that these characters exhibit that are red flags to watch for if you are the mentor. These
attitudes will cancel any individual as a candidate for mentorship:

•  They are interested in your work and vision more than in you.

•  They are aggressive in the presence of your associates.

•  They introduce themselves to your colleagues and circle of influence instead of letting you do so.

•  They frequently speak of one day having the same power, influence, or authority you have earned.

•  
They attempt to give you unsought advice.

•  They suggest or believe they know more than you do about your own work and vision.

•  They possess a spirit of jealousy over what you have accomplished, and they often suggest they could do the same.

•  They question what you do, rather than ask questions to learn how you did it.

•  They try to keep other people away from you so they can have you to themselves.

•  They tend to compete with you rather than submit to you.

Assuming you have found the right candidate to mentor, what would the agreement say? I suggest that it incorporate these concepts
for the mentor and the mentee: