Past Lives (13 page)

“I understand,” Sebastian said solemnly. Unwilling to hear any more, I rushed to the dining hall, which was noticeably more vacant. A new table full of Nazi soldiers took residence toward the front of the room, though they were having such a jolly time among themselves that they barely noticed anyone else. Jean glanced up, her gaze victorious.

“Aw, looks like the little Jew lover has no one left to sit with,” she said loudly, her table erupting in laughter. Keeping my head down, I grabbed my food and made my way over to one of our old tables, which was now painfully empty. Although my stomach growled with hunger, I poked balefully at my plate until I felt, rather than heard, the collective gasp that swept through the room.

Looking up, I saw Sebastian, clad in a brown uniform with a shiny red swastika badge proudly displayed on his arm. He glared around the room, letting people accept and understand his new status. He then filled a plate of his own, and to my dismay, made his way over to me.

“J,” he said in greeting. I stared at him with my mouth agape, like a fish. He began eating, as though nothing had changed.

“What are you doing?” I hissed. He kept eating, eyes on his plate.

“I should think it’s quite obvious,” he said, conversationally. I waited for him to go on. Finally, his gaze met mine, and the usual lightning bolt struck. I quickly tamped it down, seeing as how he was now a Nazi.

“There’s not much I would have been able to do for them sitting down there in the dark, J,” he said, maintaining his nonchalant manner. He glanced up quickly from his plate before directing his gaze back down to his food.

“Stop looking so shocked. It will only increase suspicion.”

Realizing that my whole body was tense and that I was about two seconds from shouting and crying about what we would do if he were caught, I meticulously relaxed every part of my body and picked up my fork. It took everything I had not to cry.

“What will you do if they find out?” I asked, chewing on a piece of salty sausage. I could barely register the flavor.

“Die, probably,” he said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. I choked.

“You need to be more convincing, J. This behavior won’t cut it,” Sebastian spit out, his eyes fierce. For the first time since we met, I was afraid of him. This act was bold, and it could get us all killed. Still, I wasn’t sure if I was afraid of
him
, or if I was afraid to take on the persona he demanded. Was there really any choice?

“People will think that you are lying simply by sitting with me,” I said. “Everyone knows Giselle is our friend. For God’s sake, Janika is your sister!”

“Not if they think I’m convincing you to join in my newly accepted viewpoints,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder and gazing at me with sympathetic eyes. “After all, Janika is only a half-sister, and my father is of noble blood from the correct political party.”

“Now bow your head, as though what I’m telling you is hard to understand, but that you’re accepting it. Go on,” he instructed, and I performed with an ease brought on by so much practice. What he was saying was impossible. From my lowered lashes I glanced around the room, catching the curious stares of nearly every table.

“Good,” Sebastian said, removing his hand and taking a sip of water from his clouded glass. Evidently whoever was in charge of keeping our dishes clean had also been disbanded. “Now let us speak on conversationally, perhaps about music, and I will meet you in the catacombs tonight at midnight.”

There was not much more to say beyond that. We instantly dove into a conversation about the current play and when we would get to have our first performance. Time turned to molasses as an acceptable end came to our meal, and we parted ways. I hid my frown as I watched Sebastian join his fellow soldiers to give them the good news. I would give up my old foolish, tolerant ways and cooperate with the Reich. One of them gave me a salacious wink, and I rewarded him with a modest smile, my stomach churning.

I very nearly vomited right then and there.

Right before I got back to my room, I realized that I had forgotten all about food for Giselle and Janika. I cursed, which I rarely ever did, before carefully closing my door and staring into space. A few hours stood between me and midnight, and with nothing else to do, I sat and chewed off all my fingernails, one by one. I then stared at the jagged crescents, wondering how I would hide them as a clear sign of my deceit. I began to pace as I thought about every possible worst-case scenario, imagining our deaths over and over as the darkness inexorably wore on.

Finally, when the time came, I dressed in my usual nightgown and robe. If I were caught, I could simply say that I was on my way to the restroom or to get a glass of water. Creaking open my door and grating my teeth at the sharp sound, I peeked out into a dark and empty corridor. I slid my slippered feet along the floor in an attempt to dull the sound, glancing about me as much as I could without being suspicious. I held my breath as I approached the catacomb door, glancing back one more time before I creaked it open and felt my way blindly down the steps. I didn’t dare light the candle with so much darkness to spread its light.

My eyes had already adapted to the pitch black of night, but it was still impossible to see into the dark depths of the earthy chambers below. Knowing our hideaway as I did, I carefully ran my hand along cold, stony walls, the grains trickling along my fingertips. My foot reached out for the final step to the floor, and I turned to the right, then left, as I had a million times before. It wasn’t hard to see the candlelight pouring out from under our door. I knocked three times before entering once again.

When I came in, my eyes squinted as they adjusted to the candlelight, searching the room. Janika was in her brother’s arms, Giselle standing across the room with her arms crossed around her middle as though she would be sick. As I crept in, they all turned their attention to me, and Sebastian released his sister and quite suddenly wrapped his arms around me fully, squeezing me close against his chest. Not knowing what else to do, I coiled my arms around the muscles of his back and breathed in his warmth. Clean cotton, every time.

I caught Giselle’s angry glance from behind Sebastian’s shoulder and released my grip as a signal for him to pull away. He did, though as our arms slid apart he held onto my forearms, maintaining the embrace.

“You were fantastic today, J. Really,” he said, his eyes sparkling with admiration. “I know that between the two of us, we can save my sister…and Giselle,” he said, as an afterthought. I tried to ignore her flinch as she was tacked on as an addendum. Sliding my hands fully out of his grip, I sat on one of the many blankets we had snuck down over the past months, padded by a few thin pillows, and wrapped my arms around my knees to keep out the damp cold. It was still March, and it was freezing. Sebastian grabbed another blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders before sitting across from me. Giselle and Janika joined us, forming a circle around our precious candle—the only light in a sea of black.

“So, what next?” I asked, wishing I didn’t have to be the one to ask it. I was met with fearfully blank stares. Janika’s stomach growled.

“You brought no food with you?” Sebastian asked. Janika shrugged.

“It wasn’t like we had a lot of time, Sebastian. We were lucky not to get tripped and beaten in the hallway as it is.” He nodded, accepting her reasoning. Her stomach growled again, and she wrapped her arms around her middle self-consciously.

“We’ll get you something tomorrow. Somehow we’ll figure out a way,” I said, guilt pulsing through my temples.

We then proceeded to fabricate a plan. Sebastian and I would alternate days if we couldn’t make it down together, using coded messages to sub in if one of us couldn’t make it for one reason or another. There was another room next to ours that the girls would have to use as a restroom, as there was nothing else to that end. We would use this system until we could come up with a way for Sebastian to use his inside status to sneak them out of the country. By the end of our conversation, every face was gaunt. Giselle yawned, causing a chain reaction of open mouths.

“We should get going,” Sebastian finally said, pressing into the ground to lift himself back up. Carefully, I released the grip around my knees and slowly stretched out one stiff leg after the other before attempting to rise. Sebastian’s hand was already held out for me to take, and so I took it, knowing that Giselle would likely scold me even in these circumstances. Brushing off invisible dirt from my front in an attempt to gather my wits, I hugged my friends farewell. Their skin was already too cold, and I thought of the miserable night they would pass in this hole—once our only safe haven.

“Blow out the candle after we leave,” Sebastian instructed, giving the girls his own hugs and pulling out of Giselle’s embrace as gently as he could after she held on too long. We carefully closed the portal between us and stepped into our new roles. The candle was out instantly, and we were plunged in darkness once again. Sebastian grasped my small hand in his much larger one, pulling me slowly through the hallway as he navigated our way back to the creaky staircase. Slowly, we took each step as carefully as possible, and I knew there would never come a day when I wouldn’t wince from the slightest sound. When we reached the top, Sebastian closed the door tightly, and, still holding my hand, led me across the stage to the opposite curtain. To my surprise, he leaned into its folds, concealing us in its drapes, and wrapped me deeply into his arms once again, holding me tight. Fearful, and without the glaring eyes of Giselle boring into me, I held onto him for dear life.

“How are we going to do this, J?” he breathed into my hair, resting his lips there. My body was torn between the excitement of having him hold me close and the terror of being responsible for the lives of my friends. I said nothing. My breath was coming in harsh gasps that I tried to hold in to keep from making a sound, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to undo the events of the past day and live in a world where we could all be safe and happy…if such a place could even exist. Finally, I found the words.

“We’ll find a way. We have no choice,” I said, turning my head to lay my cheek comfortably against his starched costume. For a minute we stood, holding each other for comfort, clinging tightly to the calm before the storm.

“We should go,” I whispered, pulling away.

“J…” I could feel his protest, and it broke my heart.

“Giselle loves you, Sebastian. You must know that,” I said, matter-of-factly. To me, friendship was everything, even if it meant betraying my own heart. Still, said heart refused to pull away as I felt his hand slide along my cheek, cupping my face.

“And what of my own love? Am I allowed to give that to who I wish?” he asked, leaning in closer. I could feel the heat of his breath, my need to kiss him stronger than any pull I had ever felt in my life. Slowly, deliciously, he leaned in, his lips on the verge of brushing against mine…

“Everyone up, now!” one of the Nazi soldiers was ringing a cowbell as he stormed up and down the hallways. I jumped in alarm, and Sebastian quickly led us to the side door, where we knew there was a restroom just outside.

“When I tell you, turn straight into the bathroom and make as if that’s where you were coming from, ok?” he asked, the whites of his eyes glittering in the shadows. I nodded, hoping he felt it, since I’m sure he couldn’t see. He seemed to, because he cracked open the door, waited for what seemed like forever, and then pushed me out.

Suddenly exposed to the cool air of the hall, I had just a second to collect my wits before dodging into the bathroom door, turning as though I were on my way out and not on my way in. Another soldier was banging his way down the hallway, and he approached me aggressively, his eyes fierce.

“Get into the dining hall, now,” he demanded.

“Wh…why?” I stammered. A part of me celebrated the fact that he hadn’t noticed where I had come from. That small sense of victory was quickly squelched.

“A Jew was found hiding in a closet. He’s going to be…reprimanded,” he said, his smirk snakelike. I shivered. It was more than likely that whoever was found was a friend of mine that I hadn’t bothered to save. On numb legs, I followed behind the soldier. We were met with sleepy eyes and tousled heads as everyone was forced to leave their rooms to observe the perpetrator. Collectively, we shuffled into the brightly lit dining hall. The wooden tables had been cleared to the sides of the room to make way for the students. At the room’s center, a dark haired boy was curled in a ball on the ground, surrounded by Nazi soldiers.

“This better be good,” I heard Jean complain loudly. “Some of us depend on our looks, you know.”

“Shut up,” one of the soldiers said, and from beneath lowered lashes I watched imaginary steam pour from her ears. It was a small victory, however short lived. With relief, I watched Sebastian make his way in and join the soldiers.

“Where were you?” one of them demanded. Sebastian settled into their circle, his shoulders perfectly relaxed. His voice was bored as he gave his response.

“Checking for snakes. Looks like someone beat me to it.” He glanced down at our former peer, his eyes cold and hard. I could hardly believe he was the same man. He played the role so well. Of course, he had to if there was any chance that Giselle and Janika might survive. The soldiers cast suspicious glances around their circle before deciding the young man on the ground took precedence over a distrustful soldier. A pregnant pause filled the room as they waited, like hungry dogs listening for the order to eat their supper. Finally, the last soldier made his way in.

“They’re all here!” he called out. A man with closely shaved blonde hair nodded his head at that signal and began to saunter back and forth in front of our group. He strolled casually, as though it were not almost two a.m. and we had all the time in the world. Jean yawned loudly, not bothering to stifle the sound. And still the man paced, drawing out the suspense with pleasure.

“You can be at no loss as to why we have gathered here at this beautiful hour of the night,” he finally said, pausing in the middle of his stride and facing us straight on. We stood silently, waiting. This man had clearly chosen the right place for his room and board…his theatrics were impressive. He paused, like a game show host concealing the right answer, before turning dramatically and pointing to the man on the floor.