Pastures New (34 page)

‘Have you seen Ben?’ Saffron was urgently trying to find him to tell him that project Diamond Ring was
so
not a good idea today, but no one seemed to know where he was. He’d helped her with the washing-up before Amy had come back and then gone off to talk to some of Harry’s friends. But he hadn’t been seen for about an hour. She had to get to him and stop him proposing to Amy. Maybe in a while Amy would think differently, but today was just too soon.

‘I think he said he was going on to Harry’s allotment,’ said one of the Guys, as Saffron asked for the millionth time. ‘I don’t know why.’

‘I do,’ thought Saffron grimly. Damn him, why did he have to decide to be so bloody pigheadedly romantic now?

She hurried down the garden path, meaning to go straight out onto the allotments, when Pete stopped her.

‘Well, hello there, wifey,’ he said drunkenly. Good lord, he was really very drunk. How on earth had that
happened so quickly? Pete liked a drink certainly, but he normally would have stayed sober on an occasion like today.

‘Not now, Pete,’ she said, ‘I’m in a bit of a hurry. I want to get to the allotments.’

‘Oh, you want to go to the allotments, do you? Why, has lover boy decided to go and live in our shed again?’

‘Don’t be stupid, Pete, you know he’s staying in a hotel.’

‘Oh I’m stupid now, am I? Yes, that’s about right. I am bloody stupid. So stupid I didn’t realise that my wife was making a cuckold of me with her ex right under my nose.’

He had raised his voice now, and Bill and Bud tittered nervously, not sure if Pete was joking or not.

‘Pete, this is neither the time nor the place,’ hissed Saffron.

‘Oh isn’t it?’ said Pete, grabbing her arm and holding it tightly. ‘You humiliated me, so I’m going to humiliate you. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my wife. My lovely, charming, cheating wife.’

‘Let go of my arm, you prat,’ said Saffron.

‘So what exactly were you up to on Wednesday evenings?’ said Pete. ‘You tell me that.’

Saffron went white. Bloody hell, he’d put two and two together and made ten.

‘Not what you think I was doing,’ said Saffron slowly.

‘So you have been lying to me,’ said Pete. ‘Maddy was right.’

‘What the bloody hell has Maddy got to do with it?’
‘She told me you were cheating on me and she was right.’

‘I have never and would never cheat on you in my whole life,’ said Saffron. ‘I can explain about Wednesdays later, but right now I need to get to the allotments to find Ben to make sure he doesn’t make a fool out of himself by proposing to Amy, as I think she’s about to ditch him.’

‘Too late,’ said Bill, ‘I saw Amy go out on the allotments five minutes ago.’

‘Oh bugger,’ said Saffron, and walked away. There was nothing more she could do. Amy and Ben had to work this out for themselves.

Amy shivered a little. It was a grey November day and the evenings were beginning to turn colder now. The trouble was, she wasn’t sure what she wanted. Finally admitting to Saffron something she had known for months now, but not dared to say – that she did love Ben – had come as something of a surprise. She realised she had been kidding herself, hiding behind this notion that she could only fall in love once.

Lightning did apparently strike twice – and how. And that was the trouble. She had fallen in love again, and she of all people knew that love wasn’t enough. It always ended, and someone always got hurt. She couldn’t risk it, not again. Losing Jamie had been the worst thing she had ever had to cope with. Losing Harry had made her remember the full agony of it. She
couldn’t bear it if something were to happen to Ben too. The best way – the only way – to protect herself was to get out now before she went in any deeper.

She had to explain to Ben that she couldn’t see him any more. The sooner she said it, the better. Since Harry had been ill, they had slipped into an easy intimacy, which could so quickly become something more. She didn’t want to lead Ben on – it would be fairer to nip things in the bud now. Once it was done, it was done, and they could both get on with their lives again. A
life without Ben?
a little voice treacherously whispered in her head.
Is that what you really want?

Isn’t that just cowardly?
The little voice was most insidious, and most annoyingly right. She knew it was right. She was running away rather than allowing herself to become vulnerable again. But she couldn’t face opening herself up to any more hurt. Not again.

‘Were you looking for Ben?’ One of the Guys was coming up the garden path in search of a refill.

‘Yes, have you seen him?’

‘I saw him wandering over to the allotments about twenty minutes ago,’ he said. ‘You might find him over there.’

‘Thanks,’ said Amy and, grabbing a cardigan to wrap over her thin shirt, she marched down the garden path. She wasn’t looking forward to what she had to do. But it was now or never. If she was going to leave Ben, the sooner she did it, the better.

Saffron went inside fuming. She was cross with Pete, sick at heart with worry about her marriage, furious with Gerry for the mess he had created, missing Harry in a way she had never thought possible, and somewhere deep down inside she had a gnawing anxiety that she should have interfered and told Ben to hold off on his proposal.

She went into the lounge, automatically picking up cups and plates, and wondering grouchily whether anyone was going to offer to help her do the washing-up, when Edie and Ada said, ‘Come on, dear, let us help you. You’ve been working so hard all day.’

Saffron groaned inwardly. She’d scarcely seen them since their embarrassing encounter at her first pole-dancing class. They were the last people she would have asked to help her, but she was beginning to feel like a rather resentful skivvy, so instead she said gratefully, ‘Thanks very much.’

‘It’s a sad day, isn’t it, dear?’ Edie asked.

‘It is,’ said Saffron, thinking mechanically that she must have been saying the same thing all day long.

‘In the midst of life we are in death,’ intoned Edie solemnly.

‘Too true, Edie, too true,’ said Ada. ‘Which is why we should make the most of things while we’re here, eh, Saffron?’ She winked at Saffron, who blushed.

‘You still going to them classes?’ Edie wanted to know.

‘Er, not any more,’ said Saffron.

‘Shame,’ said Edie. ‘Young girl like you, needs to be keeping her man happy, if you know what I mean?’

‘Ooh, Edie, you are a one,’ Ada shrieked raucously. ‘I say, isn’t she a one?’

‘Yes, isn’t she?’ said Saffron with heavy sarcasm.

‘Mind you,’ Ada switched back to solemn mode, ‘Harry’s better off where he is. He wasn’t coping very well on his own. The house was in a shocking state. I don’t know what Mavis would have said.’

‘Ah, but he’s with Mavis now,’ added Edie comfortably, as she washed a cup up, ‘and that’s all for the best really, isn’t it? He wasn’t the same man at all after she went, was he?’

‘You’re not wrong there, Edie,’ said Ada, shaking her head sadly, while plunging her hands enthusiastically into the soapy water. ‘But he had a good send-off, didn’t he?’

‘That he did, Ada, and you can’t say fairer than that.’

Sensing her presence was no longer required, and that they could keep up the headshaking pronouncements for rather a long time, Saffron checked on the children before chucking a coat on and heading for the allotments. The gnawing feeling of anxiety had resurfaced with a vengeance. It had been a lousy day and she was beginning to have a very bad feeling about the way it was going to end. People were drifting in from the allotments and making noises about going home. Saffron took the opportunity to slip silently away – let Pete deal with their guests, he’d done very little to help all day.

Dark clouds loured over the allotments. A wind was getting up and the clouds were scudding across the sky. Saffron shivered, there was an ominous feeling in the
air. She ran as fast as she could through the allotments. It was probably too late but she couldn’t help herself. She had a feeling she knew where Amy and Ben might be, but, getting up towards Harry’s hut, she could see Ben and Amy facing each other in the pouring rain. She was too far away to hear what they were saying, but the body language didn’t look good. It looked as though she’d got there too late.

‘Amy, I was just going to come and find you.’ Ben was taken by surprise. He had been sitting out here so long he hadn’t realised how late it was. It had suddenly got much darker and it looked like rain. He shivered. When did it get so cold?

‘Ben – we need to talk.’ Amy didn’t seem relaxed to him. She looked tense and unhappy. He so badly wanted to make her happy, to take that tension away. He had never wanted anything so much in the world. From the very day he had first seen her, he had wanted to make her smile again, and stop her being so sad. If only she would let him.

‘Yes, we do,’ said Ben. ‘I can’t wait any longer. You must know how I feel about you.’

‘Ben – don’t, please don’t.’ Amy looked aghast. This was not going to plan at all.

‘Amy, you must know I love you. And I think you love me. Please,’ he grabbed her hand, ‘hear me out. I can’t live without you any longer. Harry’s death has made me realise – life’s too short. I’m not good at all this stuff, but
Amy, I want to do this properly.’ Ben stood up and, still holding her hand, got down on one knee. The rain was coming down now and if she hadn’t been so horrified, Amy might have laughed, he looked so ridiculous kneeling there in the mud. But she couldn’t laugh, not now. He was about to propose and she was going to break his heart. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

‘Amy, will you marry me?’ He held out a little box. He didn’t have to tell her what was inside.

Amy stood rigid. Whatever she had been expecting she hadn’t anticipated this.

‘Aren’t you going to look at it?’

Amy opened the box, and took out the ring. It was beautiful. A single diamond in a ring made of twisted white gold. It was the most beautiful ring she had ever seen.

A cold wind was whipping up across the allotments. She stood in silence for a long time. Rain had started heavily, and was now coming down in sheets. Amy was soaking wet and her hair was blowing in the wind. She looked ethereal, otherworldly, like a creature who didn’t belong to him. Ben knew in a sickening flash what her answer was going to be.

‘Ben, I’m so sorry.’ The words came out in a whispered sob. ‘I can’t do this. I just can’t marry you.’

‘But why?’ Ben knew it was useless asking, but he had to know.

‘Because I’ve had my heart broken before and I can’t bear for it to happen again. Everyone I’ve ever loved ends up leaving me. My dad left. Jamie died. Harry died. I’m sorry, Ben, I just can’t do it.’

‘So that’s it?’ A sudden anger had overtaken Ben. If she was to be his, she was worth fighting for. ‘That’s your answer? Amy, life is about getting hurt. Everyone gets hurt sometimes. You can’t hide yourself away from love forever, and bury yourself in the sand pretending it doesn’t exist. I know you feel the same way. How can you let something this good go?’

‘I just can’t.’ The look on her face tore at his heart. ‘You don’t know what it’s like to lose someone. After Jamie died, my whole world collapsed. I never ever want to feel like that again.’