Pathway to Tomorrow (17 page)

“What is it you’re not telling me?”

Panic washed across her face. “How do you know?”

He sighed. “I know because I love you, and I know because you’re an open book. Do you have any idea how expressive your face is? You wouldn’t know how to hide your feelings from me if your life depended on it.”

When she didn’t answer, he squeezed her hand. “It’s not a bad thing Jodie. I love that you don’t hide how you feel about me. I love that you aren’t coy about wanting to
make love. What I don’t like though, is your need to hide something from me. If you really feel you can’t trust me then I guess we don’t have a future together after all.”

The silence between them lasted for so long that in the end Marcus got out of the car and walked across the pebbled beach that fringed the lake. The weather had deteriorated into lowering clouds and a wind was whipping up choppy waves. The grayness matched his mood. He turned and began to trudge along the footpath skirting the gloomy stretch of water.

He hadn’t gone very far when Jodie slipped her hand into his. She was out of breath from running and her face was rosy with exertion, but her eyes were dark pools of pain.

“I didn’t mean to shut you out Marcus…it’s just...it’s something I’ve never discussed with anyone before, mainly because there was no one to talk to I guess.  My mother’s so-called friends, the ones who fawned all over her when my stepfather was alive and she had lots of money, had all given up on her by the time she died. I had too, and I can’t forgive myself for behaving as I did. If I’d stayed with her instead of taking a job in a training stable several hundred miles away in the hope I could re-establish my dressage career, I might have been able to stop her chasing across the countryside on a fool’s errand.”

He wrapped his arms around her, and waited. He knew all about not being there when someone you loved needed you.

“She was pregnant you see. Pregnant with a baby nobody wanted. She went back to singing after my stepfather died. I think it was that or starve. People had forgotten her by then of course, so she only performed in local clubs and bars while I babysat Izzie, but we were fine…until she met Sean. He told her he was an agent but I don’t think he was, not really. He was just someone who saw an opportunity and sweet-talked her into believing him. He had grand plans for her until she became pregnant.”

“Although he was the baby’s father, as soon as he realized how her pregnancy was going to affect Mamma’s career, he left. I’d left by then too, so she had no choice but to take Izzie with her to her gigs. Her crazy late night trip was because someone at the club where she was singing told her they’d seen him. I guess she wanted to persuade him to come back to her.”

“So when she died, the baby died too, letting him off scot free?”

“No! That’s the bit I’ve never told anyone. The baby was born at the side of the road. A doctor cut her out of my mother’s dead body and rushed her to the nearest hospital. I don’t know how much Izzie saw because nobody knew she was in the car until the breakdown truck arrived to tow it away and a policeman found her hiding under a blanket on the floor. She was in such a state of shock it was days before she spoke and when she did she refused to say anything about the crash. She still won’t talk about it now.

“What happened to the baby?”

“That’s the thing…I don’t know. Somewhere on this planet I have another sister but I can’t find her. I tried. God knows I tried. But nobody would ever tell me anything.”

The wind blew flurries of rain across the lake as she finished speaking. Feeling her shiver, Marcus turned around so they could retrace their steps. “Come on, you can tell me the rest in the car.”

“There’s not much more to tell. Social Services had the baby fostered and then adopted. They wouldn’t even let me see her, and because I was busy fighting for Izzie I didn’t question their decision. It was only after I’d found a home for both of us that I had the time to think about her, and by then it was too late and she’d vanished from my life.

They reached the car as she finished speaking and as soon as they were inside he pulled her into his arms. He was emotionally drained by everything she’d just told him; unable to fathom how she had retained her capacity to love after being let down so many times. He was beginning to understand, too, why she had a problem with trust, and he wished he could do something about it.

I don’t know what to say Jodie…except that I want you to marry me even more than I did an hour ago.”

When she started to react, he took her face in his hands and kissed her. “No, don’t say anything. That wasn’t a proposal; it was a declaration of intent. One day you’ll marry me Jodie Eriksson but until then I’ll be content with this…and this…and this…”

* * *

By the time they drove into the stable yard Marcus’ and Jodie’s energy levels were at rock bottom. They had shared too many confidences and suffered too many frustrations to want to do more than sit quietly together with a glass of wine. Izzie, however, hadn’t forgotten their promise. She came hurtling out the house before Marcus killed the engine. She was clutching a sh
eaf of music.

“What kept you? I thought you’d be here when I got back from school.”

He forced a smile.  “Hop in.  You can be the first one to christen my studio.”

Chapter Twenty-one

Jodie stared out the window as she rinsed the breakfast dishes a
nd wondered what Marcus was doing.  She was fed up with late night telephone conversations, especially the ones they’d been having recently, the ones that were a verbal assault on her overheated senses. The ones that kept her awake long after she’d cut the call and turned off her bedside light.

Hearing Izzie moving around upstairs she gave a wry smile. At least someone was happy and fulfilled. Her sister had grown up over the past few months. Ever since she’d finished her exams she had been focused in a way Jodie had never seen before. When she wasn’t immersed in her music she spent hours working with the private therapist Marcus had found for her, and it was all beginning to pay off. Her voice was stronger, her confidence was growing; and in recent weeks, although she still used a night-light, she had also begun to close her bedroom door.

Remembering the uncomfortable end of year meeting she’d had with Izzie’s teacher she sighed. She was fed up with the constant stream of advice she’d received ever since she had agreed to let her leave school. Nobody understood why she’d done it but then they hadn’t seen Izzie perform. Although she was still desperately afraid for the future, she’d known she had no choice the moment her sister climbed onto the small stage in Marcus’ studio and opened her mouth. Reluctantly she’d been forced to accept that Izzie was born to sing in the same way she, herself, had been born to ride.

She knew Marcus had been surprised by how quickly she had abandoned the long cherished ambition she’d had for Izzie to attend university. What he didn’t understand was that all the knocks she’d received in her own life had taught her to be a realist, and it was this that had helped her to accept that Izzie was going to sing, the same as it had made her stop resisting the overwhelming feelings she had for him.

A blast of music interrupted her thoughts as Izzie plugged her iPod into the state of the art docking station Marcus had given her despite Jodie’s protests. She was used to the constant background noise by now and was surprised by how much it comforted her. It reminded her of one of the best parts of her childhood when she’d listened to recordings of her mother’s music while her grandmother told her stories about the beautiful woman she only knew through photographs.

Now though, it brought her back to the here and now with a start. She glanced at her watch.  It was late. Buckmaster would become restless if she didn’t saddle him up soon, and she would be late for her first lesson as well unless she took him out right away.

Pulling on her riding boots and grabbing her fleece she hurried out into the yard. It was already bustling with activity as stable boys and girls prepared the horses for the day. She waved at them as she made her way to Buckmaster’s stable.

He greeted her with a snort of annoyance. She laughed as she offered him a carrot. “I know I’m late Bucky but so would you be if you had as much going on in your head as me.”

* * *

Later, trotting along the lane leading to the bridleway her heart leapt when she saw a huge pantechnicon turning into the driveway leading to Marcus’ house. At last the months of waiting were over. Sensing her change of mood, Buckmaster slowed down. She dug her heels into his flanks.

“He won’t be here yet Bucky and when he does arrive you won’t be seeing much of him, not until Luke is ready to visit us.”

With a toss of his head the big chestnut gelding moved across to the bridleway and waited for her to unlock the gate. Sliding off his back she slotted the key in the padlock, pushed open the gate and led him through, wondering, as she did so, how long it would take her to persuade Luke to sit on a horse.

She thought of the frowning, dark haired boy she had last seen in London, too intent on his drawing to say goodbye to her and Izzie, and wondered if he would remember them.  Despite the success of their visit they hadn’t managed another one, partly because summer was Jodie’s busiest time at the riding school but mainly because Marcus had had to return to California twice more in the past three months. This meant they’d had to survive on a few snatched meetings when he’d found the time to travel north to visit his new house, or to work with Izzie. Remembering the frustration that shadowed every visit Jodie sighed. Then her face cleared. Soon it was going to change. In the meantime it was phone calls or nothing.

* * *

Izzie shouted down from the bedroom window as Buckmaster trotted back into the yard. “Marcus called. He says Luke’s thrown a wobbly so it could be hours before they arrive.”

“I very much doubt he put it exactly like that,” Jodie frowned up at her sister as she took in the implication of the message.

“Well no, but that’s what he meant isn’t it?”

“Maybe, but you could be kinder about it.”

“Telling it as it is isn’t unkind Jodie. Nor is saying that Marcus doesn’t have the first idea how to handle him.”

“You know that after spending one weekend with him and Luke do you?”

“Yes. I love Marcus, you know I do, but I still don’t rate his parenting skills. He’d rather avoid trouble and embarrassment than challenge Luke and you know it isn’t helping him. Do you realize he’s never even taken him back to the park to see the birds? When I asked him why he just shrugged and said he hadn’t had time.”

“Well maybe he hasn’t. And he’s anxious to protect him from the Press too don’t forget.” Jodie’s instinctive defense of Marcus warred with her feelings. Izzie was right. Despite agreeing that he wasn’t doing enough to help Luke accept other people, he hadn’t changed anything. Luke was still bound by his routine. Not for the first time she wondered how he really felt about his son.

She ended the conversation by leading Buckmaster back into his stable but as she began to unsaddle him she felt a stab of guilt. She and Izzie had taken up so much of Marcus’ time in recent months he’d had little left to spare for Luke, and she felt uneasy about it. 

Every time she tried to discuss it though, Marcus had headed her off by insisting Luke was well
cared for and that things would change once they moved. She hoped he meant it. At least he’d agreed to let him try the riding program although without any real interest, and she knew he wasn’t expecting much success. Well there was only one way to deal with that. She was going to prove him wrong.

Satisfied Buckmaster was settled, she left him happily munching hay and hurried across to the office to check her schedule for the day. Carol was already sitting at the desk, tapping figures into the computer. She looked up with a frown.

“You look as if you’re on a mission. Anything I can do?”

“Yes, you can tell me which is the best horse for a boy who is a complete novice and who is likely to have a meltdown if something upsets him?”

* * *

“He’s so much worse than I thought he’d be I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve done the right thing,” Marcus sounded tired and despondent as he described his journey north.

Jodie listened patiently as he told her how it had taken him and Mrs. Cotton more than two hours to persuade Luke to leave the apartment, and how he had sobbed and screamed for half the journey.

“I thought he understood about the move. I thought he was ready for the journey and so did Mrs. Cotton, but we were wrong. The noises he made were heartbreaking Jodie. It felt like I was torturing him.”

“What upset him? Surely it wasn’t the car because he’s used to being driven.”

“He kept saying he wanted his pencils and then shouting something about the birds. It didn’t matter how often I told him there were lots of birds where we were going, he just kept on crying.”

“Did you ask him why he was so cross?”