Pegasus: A Novel (17 page)

He was still thinking about her when he went to feed the horses that night, and after
he did, he turned and saw her standing there. She was silently watching him with the
gaze that had him in her thrall.

“I thought about you all day,” he said, not knowing what else to say. “I think you
cast a spell on me.” He smiled. He felt like a boy as he looked at her, and not a
man of his age. The age difference between them seemed to melt as their eyes met and
held.

“I thought about you too,” she said slowly. “I came to see the horses.” He nodded
and beckoned her to him, and when she stood next to him, he lifted her up gently onto
Athena’s back. She was as light as a feather as he held her, and he led the mare out
of her stall, holding her bridle.

“She probably can’t even feel you, you’re so light.” He smiled at Christianna, who
looked at him solemnly.

“But I’m very strong,” she said proudly, pointing a graceful dancer’s leg, and he
laughed.

“I’m sure you are, Christianna. Strong enough to distract me all day.” She didn’t
look afraid, despite what she had said earlier about being frightened of horses. And
then he turned to look at her seriously. She looked like a fairy sitting astride the
horse as she gazed
down at him fearlessly. Neither of them said a word. They didn’t need to. She had
come to see him, not the horses, and he knew it. “What are we going to do now?” he
asked her, as though they both knew what was going on. He wasn’t sure of anything
except that he had never known anyone like her. And whatever happened now was entirely
up to her.

She leaned toward him then and put her arms around him as he held her on the horse,
and he kissed her gently, knowing it was what he had wanted to do all day and what
he felt compelled to do now. She kissed him back, and when they stopped, she smiled
at him, as though it was what she had come here to do. He kissed her again, and as
he did, he lifted her gently to the ground, and she stood in front of him, looking
up at him. And all he knew was that wherever he was, no matter how far he had come,
he had come home. He had come from another lifetime, another world, across an ocean
to find her, and there was no doubt in his mind about what he was doing with her,
and she appeared to feel the same way.

“I’ve been waiting for you. You took a long time to come,” she said quietly.

“I had some things to do,” he said, with his arms still around her. “We’re going to
have a problem about the high wire, Christianna,” he warned her, which only seemed
fair.

“We’ll see,” she said, not promising him anything either way.

“I didn’t come here to watch you kill yourself.” He had been widowed once, and he
didn’t want to fall in love with a woman who risked her life every night. He couldn’t
go through that again. “I need you here with me.”

“I need you too … maybe in time I won’t need the high wire anymore.”

“Is that why you do it? For the thrill?” He looked surprised. She
didn’t seem like that kind of person. She was serious and strong and wise beyond her
years.

“No. I do it because it’s expected of me. It’s what my family does, and needs me to
do. I’m the only one who can right now. My sister is too young, and she’s afraid.
My brothers are too big.” Nick had noticed that her father was a far slighter man
than his sons.

“Some of your family have been gravely injured or died. I don’t want you to be next,”
Nick said as he nuzzled her neck and kissed her again. It suddenly felt as though
this had always been meant to be, as though their paths had been destined to cross,
and it was written years before, in another life. He couldn’t get enough of her, just
kissing her was dizzying, as was feeling her skin when he touched her face, or she
touched his with gentle hands. She felt like velvet to him. “We’ll talk about it later,”
he said, about the high wire. He couldn’t think anymore. He just wanted to be with
her, and feel her in his arms. She felt so small and frail, he was afraid to crush
her.

“I can never be yours,” she said in a sad, gentle tone, but her words surprised him.

“Why do you say that?” He looked hurt and worried as she lowered her eyes, but she
didn’t pull away. She was happy in his arms and didn’t want to leave them.

“Because of who you are. I’m just a girl from the circus, and you were someone important
in your other life. I can tell. And one day you’ll go back. I don’t know why you came,
but I know you’ll leave. You don’t belong here. I do.”

“I don’t know if I ever will leave, or be able to go back,” he said honestly, in a
whisper. “And if I do, I’ll take you with me. You’re not just a girl in the circus,
Christianna. You’re a very special person.” He already knew that. She had a quiet
dignity about her, a nobility and grace that made where they had met and where she
came from irrelevant
to him. He would have been proud to be with her anywhere, and he said it to her without
hesitation.

“I will always be less than you because I come from this place,” she said sadly. She
understood it perfectly, but it wasn’t how he felt about her. She was the most exciting
woman he’d ever met. And he didn’t care about his lost world now or the people in
it. In an instant, she had catapulted into his life and made him feel part of hers.
“One day you’ll be ashamed,” she said as though she knew that about him, but it was
no longer true for him, and he knew it.

“Never,” he promised her as they stood there. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Nor do I. I will be the luckiest man alive if you’re with me.”

“You’re a nobleman, Nick. I’m just a girl in a high-wire act.”

“Be quiet,” he said firmly, “shhh …” He silenced her then with a kiss, and Pegasus
turned to look at them, and nodded. And Nick knew that all he could do now was prove
to her that he meant what he said. Whoever she was, and wherever they had met, he
was sure. The bond between them had formed, irreversibly, from the instant they first
saw each other. And as they left the horse tent together that night, it was sealed.

Everything was different and infinitely better in Nick’s life once Christianna entered
it. They kept their romance quiet at first, which seemed wise. They went for long
walks at night, away from the fairground, where people wouldn’t recognize either of
them. He just wanted to be with her, and talk to her, and learn more about her. They
shared many of the same views of life, and about people, and even the circus, despite
the difference in their histories and age. She was wise for a girl of twenty-one,
and she made him feel younger than he was. On their next birthdays, he would be exactly
twice her age, but neither of them cared.

“What would your father think about us?” Nick asked her one night, as they sat down
on a bench to talk. They had been walking for an hour, and it felt good to get away.
They had agreed not to tell her family yet, or his sons. They wanted to give themselves
time first to get to know each other better, and protect what they shared.

“He’d be worried that you’ll take me away. There’s no one else to do the high wire,
except me. My sister Mina is too young, she’s only thirteen. And there has never not
been a Markovich on the high wire
for forty years. Until Mina is old enough, it’s up to me. And she’s afraid.” Christianna
never was, which added magic to her act.

“And if you fall, there won’t be anyone either. Your father got hurt, and it killed
your mother. How can he want you to do that?”

“It’s our heritage. It’s a tradition. My grandfather owned the best circus in Warsaw,
and then he lost his money gambling and sold it. My parents came here when I was a
baby, twenty years ago. The circus has always been our life. But it’s not yours, Nick.
One day you’ll leave. My father will be afraid of that when he knows about us.”

“Will he care about our age?” Nick was more worried about that and what people might
say, that he was a cradle robber, or had seduced her, which he hadn’t. Thus far, their
relationship had been chaste, although they were falling in love with each other.
But he didn’t want to take advantage of her in any way, he loved her too much to do
that. It was the first time he had ever felt like that, even with his late wife. Everything
about Christianna was different. He felt as though he had come back to life again.

“He won’t care about that,” she reassured him. “He was twenty-eight years older than
my mother. She was his second wife.” Her father was seventy years old, and her oldest
brother, by her father’s first marriage, was almost forty, three years younger than
Nick. “All he’ll care about is that I don’t leave the circus.”

“What if you want to one day?”

“I’ve never known any other life,” she said simply. But Nick wished he could share
a better life with her, but he had no other life to offer her now, and even if he
did, she was happy there. She had never wanted to leave. This was as much her heritage
as his life in Germany had been his. And it was the only life she knew. It was enough
for her.

They walked back to the fairground, taking their time, enjoying being together and
getting away from the chaos they lived with, the
jugglers and clowns and elephants, and people constantly swirling around them. And
everyone was busy now, working on new acts and costumes, and getting ready to leave
on tour in the spring. In spite of everything that had happened, Nick had never felt
as peaceful before. Christianna had a calm about her that brought balance and strength
to his existence. He saw everything differently now, and instead of contemplating
his losses, he saw his new life now as a tremendous blessing, with her in it. He looked
happy and relaxed, and so did she.

They did several shows before they left Sarasota, and warm-ups for the season. And
when he watched her on the high wire now, he felt physically ill, even more than before
he knew her. He was breathless with terror until she came down. He knew he couldn’t
stand it indefinitely—he was too frightened for her, and twice she nearly lost her
footing. He was angry at her about it later, at night when they were alone.

“Do you realize what you’re doing, Christianna? You’re risking your life
every
time. You can’t be that lucky forever.” He looked miserable as he said it. He had
been near tears while he watched her. It was the only thing they disagreed on.

“Yes, I can. My grandmother never fell. She died of old age.”

“She’s probably the only one. I know I have no right to change what you do, but I
want you to keep your life, and stay alive for me.”

“I will,” she said solemnly, but it didn’t calm him. He was frantic with worry for
her now every time she went up the rope to her platform.

At the end of January, Nick saw in the newspapers that Hitler had openly threatened
the Jews in his Reichstag speech. It didn’t surprise Nick, but the rest of the world
was shocked. Hitler saying that Europe would not have peace “until the Jewish question
had been disposed
of” made everything clear. It made him even more grateful that he had left after the
general’s warning to his father. He had obviously known what was coming.

A few weeks later, John Ringling North asked Nick and Christianna to come to his office,
together. They were sure that he had found out about their budding romance and was
going to scold them and voice his disapproval. There was nothing in their contracts
that prevented them from being together—people in the circus had affairs with each
other all the time, as they both knew, and some got married. But Nick was afraid he’d
reprimand them anyway, and he looked tense when they walked into North’s office. They
both felt as though they were being called into the principal’s office at school.
But instead, he smiled broadly when he saw them. They had no idea what was on his
mind, and tried not to look at each other for reassurance.

“I wanted to bring you both in to discuss a thought I had. Christianna has been our
biggest star since she turned eighteen,” he said as he smiled at her. “And Nick, I
think you’re going to be. You’re already heading there, and you haven’t been on tour
yet.” But his Lipizzaners had been the hit of every show since he’d joined them, and
Nick was a dashing figure. The women in the audience were crazy about him. He was
a handsome aristocrat from Europe, riding a white horse. He was the essence of every
woman’s fantasies. And even the other performers talked about what a good-looking
man he was.

“I’d like you both to think about doing part of an act together. I don’t think we’re
going to get you up on the wire, Nick,” he said, smiling at him, “but I love the idea
of Christianna on one of your Lipizzaners. If you could work up part of an act together,
during yours,” he looked at Nick, “I think it would bring down the house. The handsome
prince and the fairy princess. Can you ride?” he asked Christianna.

“A little,” she responded, shocked at his suggestion, and relieved that they weren’t
in trouble.

“I can teach her,” Nick volunteered quickly. He loved the idea. “We could do a waltz
together on horseback. I’ll need to work with my horses for a while. We can do something
simple in the meantime. I think it’s a wonderful suggestion.” Nick was ecstatic, they
talked about it with him for a while, then left North’s office in a daze. It seemed
providential. It was the perfect opportunity to be together for shows and rehearsals.
They had six weeks to learn the act North wanted, before they left on tour.

“Wow, I thought we were in trouble,” Christianna said with a giggle that made her
seem even younger than she was.

“We will be if we don’t come up with a good act for him. Leave that to me. I’ll start
thinking about it today.” It took Nick six days to choreograph a routine that his
horses were able to execute, and that was simple enough for Christianna to follow.
Nick rehearsed it with her a week after they’d seen North. And they had time to work
on it before they opened at Madison Square Garden. It was still rough, but it worked,
and with practice, once set to music, it would be elegant and romantic. Nick could
hardly wait to perfect their new act and perform it in New York. He knew the audience
would love it.