Peggy Klaus (4 page)

I finally had to say, “Excuse me, Sarah. Obviously you’ve done so many things, but I have to tell you that I am not looking to hire anyone at this point. “You might want to consider some of the larger firms in the area.”

“Thank you for talking to me,” she responded meekly, sounding as if the air had seeped out of her overinflated balloon.

Sarah, like many, is a victim of a one-size-fits-all method of presentation that emphasizes form over authenticity. (This is something I will explore more fully in Chapter 9.)

If she had only started off by asking, “Is this a convenient time to talk?,” by telling me how she had learned about my firm, and by engaging me in a thirty-second story about herself, the result would have been different. Even though I wasn’t hiring, I would have offered her the name of a personal friend who was. As it was, I just wanted to get her off the phone.

Myth #6: GOOD GIRLS DON’T BRAG

I’ll never forget the national television images of thirteen-year-old Rebecca Sealfon, winner of the National Spelling Bee, screaming and leaping around the stage in triumph of her hard-won victory. Unlike Patty, the junior banker who resisted telling others about her multimillion-dollar business win, Rebecca was excited and proud. She was happy and confident. She was a female thrilled to tell the world about her success.

She was one of the few.

Many talented women today continue to abide by the myth that it’s unbecoming and aggressive to promote themselves. Although their parents may have told them they could do anything they wanted, there was also a big
but
. And that was,
but
don’t celebrate your own glory. It was all right if the boys vied for the limelight and one-upped each other, but girls were taught to share it with others. And even then, it was best not to draw too much attention to themselves.

This disinclination among professional women to self-promote has far-reaching consequences. It can affect referrals, negotiations of work schedule, salary, high-visibility assignments, and promotions, as well as make your blood boil when you see the guys getting ahead faster.

“But … the Bible says that modesty is a virtue.”

Look, I’m not knocking the Bible or modesty, but as the old saying goes, “The Lord helps those who help themselves.”

Showing Off Your Real Stuff

Throughout the years, I’ve worked with many female clients on changing the behaviors that result from the fear of upstaging male colleagues. Once I coached a physician from Harvard who was preparing a presentation to a large conference of her peers. Although only in her thirties, she had a tremendous amount of credibility in her field and a great deal of experience speaking at conferences. Yet when she practiced her presentation in my studio, she didn’t come across as an assured, confident academic and scientist. Instead, she rambled, didn’t appropriately introduce herself or her credentials, lacked a sense of urgency and excitement about her new breakthrough, and suppressed all of the delightful personality and sense of humor she had revealed in our earlier conversation.

When I asked about her style, she told me she didn’t want to appear “too big” or “too braggy.” She was concerned that her achievements would make her older and mostly male colleagues feel uncomfortable. What she did as a result was to present an unconvincing and boring recitation of her findings.

Fortunately, when she saw her performance on video playback in my studio, she didn’t like what the tape exposed. She decided that she was willing to take the risk of stepping into the spotlight to present a fuller, more authentic version of herself. This didn’t translate into acting “more like a man” or changing her personality. Instead, she learned to present her own characteristics with conviction and confidence by using direct eye contact, a sense of humor, and a conversational speaking style. She talked about herself and her credentials with enthusiasm, convincing her audience of the importance of her research. If she believed she was the expert and worthy of recognition, so would they.

Myth #7: BRAG IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD

Brag
doesn’t have to be a distasteful four-letter word. Someone who is effective at self-promotion brags in a way that isn’t obvious to others, and doesn’t come across as too self-serving.

Learning to brag is
not
about becoming something you aren’t or trying to put something over on someone. In fact, bragging as an art is just the opposite. It’s about becoming more of who you are and bringing forward your best parts with authenticity, pride, and enthusiasm. It’s about telling your story in a way that showcases your strengths. It’s a way of building a bridge to others and to better opportunities.

Seeing it in this light, one woman pointed out that bragging is really a way of honoring our own spirits and who we really are. She noted that we do endless self-bashing along the lines of “I should be this and I shouldn’t do that,” or “Oh, no, I just got to the top of the publishing world because I happen, well, to be lucky.” Instead, for her, bragging has become a way to revel in all the wonderful things she has accomplished.

To see bragging in this way, we have to start by wiping the slate clean and dropping our preconceived notions. As one man recently asked, “I have a boss and all he does is brag about himself. I hate it. Do I want to be one of those people? Is this what your program is all about?” Of course not. His boss is one of those people who have taken it to the extreme, who brag in a way that’s annoying. But look at this man’s reaction. Because of it, he doesn’t brag at all, but becomes upset when recognition passes him by.

My message to all of you is simply this: You don’t want to brag like “one of them,” but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it at all. Let me show you how to talk about yourself in a way that is sincere and feels comfortable. By doing so, you’re going to learn how to brag
and get away with it!

CHAPTER 2

What’s So Good About You?

Wherever you go, there you are.

—B
UDDHIST SAYING

•  “So tell me about yourself,” asks the interviewer, looking at you, then the clock.

•  “What kind of sales experience do you really have?” asks a venture capitalist sizing you up. “Why do think you’ve earned a raise?” asks your boss with his eyebrow raised.

•  “How have you helped me lately?” asks a demanding, high-profile client.

•  “What do you do?” asks a stranger at a networking event.

•  “Isn’t this position really way out of your league?” asks the headhunter scanning your résumé.

•  “How about introducing yourself to the group?” asks the company president your first day on the job.

•  “What are you doing with yourself these days?” asks someone who has heard you’ve gotten axed.

•  “Where did you go to school?” asks the CEO who graduated summa cum laude from Harvard.

So, what’s so good about you?
It’s a question we are asked indirectly in our business and social interactions daily, and how we respond determines the effectiveness of our bragging campaign. Yet how many times have you walked away from a golden opportunity to strut your stuff and thought “Why did I say that?” “What was I thinking?” “If only I had said …”

Most of us think of the perfect thing to say about ourselves after the fact. As we later reflect on our encounters, we fantasize about how much more forthright, charming, and articulate we could have been, saying all the right things in just the right way, like characters do in movies. Then our courageous visions and thoughts slip away until the next time we are caught off-guard, when we make the same mistakes all over again. The reasons behind these lapses, as you’ve read thus far, are varied: entrenched bragging myths, weak interpersonal communication skills, and brag-fright. But there is also another
big
reason: We simply haven’t done our homework, leaving us unprepared to field the questions thrown our way.

Effective bragging starts with
you
. It is based on having a clear sense of who you are and what you have accomplished, as well as what you are accomplishing right at this moment. It depends on your skill in communicating what makes you unique and interesting in the eyes of those you want to impress. Yet most of us remain curiously unable to articulate our stories and the diversity and extent of our skills, abilities, and attributes. We are equally unaware of how others perceive us and what exactly they like about us. We take ourselves for granted, thinking that we haven’t really accomplished anything, that we’re “just doing our jobs,” and that the recognition we seek will naturally follow our hard work. Then reality moves in. We get overlooked for a promotion, special assignment, or pay raise. Someone else takes all the credit. We never get called back after the first round of job interviews. We get pink-slipped. We feel unappreciated and misunderstood. With life moving at such a frenetic pace, it’s difficult to recall in colorful detail our successes from a month ago, much less a year or five years ago. Our accomplishments remain only as shadowy memories—that is, if we haven’t forgotten them altogether. We lose track of what brought us to where we are today and how to leverage what we’ve got to take us where we want to go.

Despite this tendency toward amnesia, we have been accomplishing things all our lives: Since taking our first breath, we haven’t stopped. We each have a history of hundreds, if not thousands, of successes that make us memorable. So how do you make certain that everyone else knows what’s so good about you? You start by consciously examining your past and present life and by taking the time to dig out those golden nuggets—the ones that have substance and weight—from which to build meaningful and memorable stories and messages about you. This chapter will help you unearth your personal and professional history, capitalize on your strengths, learn to think fast on your feet, and convey the information you want known about yourself, genuinely and effortlessly.

On the following page you’ll find “Take 12,” a set of questions to help you begin to think about your history: where you have been, what you are doing now, what you have to offer, and what makes you memorable.

Take a moment right now to read these twelve questions,
but before you write down your answers
, read through the rest of this chapter. If you don’t, you’ll be wasting precious time and energy because first you need to understand how you’ll be using your responses and turning them into catchy and immediately useable self-promotion sound bites (brag bites) and monologues (bragologues).

“Take 12” Self-Evaluation

(
Note: These questions can also be downloaded at
www.bragbetter.com
)

Don’t feel that you have to answer these in order. You can start anywhere and skip around. As you move through the questions, you’ll likely think of things you might have overlooked when answering earlier ones. In fact, you’ll probably want to go over your responses once more after you have completed the evaluation. Remember, the more time you put into this exercise, the more specific details you provide, the easier it will be to create brag bites and bragologues that will be crystal clear and interesting to those who don’t already know you well.

1. What would you and others say are five of your personality pluses?

2. What are the ten most interesting things you have done or that have happened to you?

3. What do you do for a living and how did you end up doing it?

4. What do you like/love about your current job/career?

5. How does your job/career use your skills and talents, and what projects are you working on right now that best showcase them?

6. What career successes are you most proud of having accomplished (from current position and past jobs)?

7. What new skills have you learned in the last year?

8. What obstacles have you overcome to get where you are today, both professionally and personally, and what essential lessons have you learned from some of your mistakes?

9. What training/education have you completed and what did you gain from those experiences?

10. What professional organizations are you associated with and in what ways—member, board, treasurer, or the like?

11. How do you spend your time outside of work, including hobbies, interests, sports, family, and volunteer activities?

12. In what ways are you making a difference in people’s lives?

Just as you carry around your name, you carry around a history. Think of “Take 12” as an inventory of all you’ve done—the things you are most proud of having accomplished in your personal and professional life—not just years back, but last week as well. On a business level this might include how you landed your first job, segued from one career to another, won an important client, managed through a difficult merger, or started your business from scratch. On a personal level it might include a favorite hobby, some cause you are passionate about, a fond memory, children and loved ones, a remarkable lesson learned from a mentor, or how you climbed Mount Everest! Your combined personal and professional information acts as the foundation for your bragging campaign. It encapsulates what will most powerfully underscore your best self and what you would like other people to know about you. By answering these questions you will not only be amazed at how much you have accomplished and how interesting you are, you will also begin to see how the fragments of your life are actually interconnected pieces that can come together in catchy stories that will help you get the job, promotion, or recognition you are seeking.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU, GETTING TO KNOW YOU … AGAIN

I can hear it now, as I have so often from busy clients when faced with “Take 12”: “Who has time for this?” One senior manufacturing executive complained, “I don’t get into this warm and fuzzy stuff. I can’t see how this exercise can help me.” Upon my refusing to work with him without it, even this naysayer eventually obliged. Before I knew it, he, like those before him, returned saying, “This was eye-opening. It made me take stock—past, present, and future. For the first time, I am able to see myself more objectively. I’ve actually achieved a lot more than I give myself credit for.”