penance. a love story (The Böhme Series) (40 page)

I laughed again. It was for my own embarrassment at having to accept that I did that to her and not from thinking her reactions were funny or odd.

She ran her nose across my cheek and the way she was rubbing her legs along me made my breath catch. I hesitated before running my hand up her still jean covered leg. I continued up her body until I reached the point just above her jeans meeting her skin. My hand paused as it began to move under her shirt. My pulse quickened even more, and I tried to calm and slow my breathing, but it was like trying to stop a freight train with my hand. I started counting my breaths for another reason now. I wanted to remember every part.

One. She inhaled
at the same time. Two
. I let my hand continue under her shirt until I let it rest on her skin.
Her so fucking soft skin. Three. Another breath.
I stopped kissing her and let my head rest next to hers as I breathed her in,
four
. My nose was right near her ear and as her touch graced my bare shoulders for the first time, she heard every breath that past my throat as I matched them to hers.

I wish I could say memories didn't flash behind my eyes at that time. I wish I could say that her touch alone wiped them all away and I was free from the cage those memories locked me in, but I can’t.

I can say she knew what was happening in that moment and she made me stronger. “I’m scared too,” she whispered in my neck and with her gentle touch traced her hands over my back. She knew I was nervous. When you live with walls for so long, it's hard to open the gates and let someone enter. "You smell amazing,” she said as I sat up and took her hand in mine, pulling her with me toward the bathroom.

I laughed at her declaration
. Her ability to change our conversation from something we were both afraid of, directly into something to laugh about was admirable. “As hot as it is seeing you dirty. I don’t think that’s what either of us needs. I said I was going to make love to you, but sometime I'd like to try this whole dirty mud thing too.” I laughed as I pushed her hair behind her ears. I ran my thumb under her eyes, trying to remove some of her makeup for her. She closed her eyes and let out a gentle groan as I ran my hands through her hair. I kissed her again as I walked her backwards toward the tub.

Her comment on my smell made me wonder. I smelled fucking rancid earlier, so I couldn't believe now was any better. I lifted my arm to get a whiff and she laughed at me as my face contorted from the stench.

“I like your scent. It's you without any additives.” She laughed as she sniffed me. “I hate cologne, and so don’t expect to get any from me for Christmas.” She smiled.

“You’re so perfect
,” I said as I kissed her nose. I watched her as I sat on the side of the tub to start the water. She never took her eyes off me. I stood and turned my back to her at first as I started to unbutton my pants. Then, I remembered that we were to claim every moment and I didn’t want to claim this moment with my back turned to her in shame.

I turned around and she kept her eyes on my every movement. We were a foot away from each other as I leaned forward to untie my shoes. I removed them and my socks followed, never looking away from her. She started to do the same and it was difficult to hold her eyes as she started to remove her jeans. She wore just her tank top and underwear and I was in my boxers as we stared at each other. I watched every rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out.
Inhale, exhale
one
. Inhale, exhale t
wo
. I continued counting her breaths, and I calmed. As I did, my own breathing began to match hers once again.

I leaned to turn the water off and when I stood back up her hands were under the hem of her shirt, starting to lift it above her head. She laid it on the floor and she then reached behind her back to unfasten her bra. She let it fall to the ground in the same gentle way she had let her shirt and then she removed her underwear with a quick shimmy of her wonderful thighs, which undid me. I stared at her for several minutes, letting my eyes leave hers as I traced them along her body.

I saw her naked before in the drawing class, but this was different. She had been naked then for art. But this time, was intimate. This was only for me and the lightness and joy in her eyes was the most beautiful part of her nakedness, because they held such raw honesty.

My readiness to remove my boxers was slow. I was afraid of the honesty that was in her eyes. It wasn’t because of what I was afraid she might think of me, but it was because I was afraid of being that naked. She was right i
n her observation of me earlier. Scared was the correct word to describe me, scared of being vulnerable. I needed to trust her as much as she did me to continue.

She stepped toward me in complete nakedness, outside as well as in, and put her hand up to my face. “May I do it?”
she asked. That wasn’t what I expected her to say. But they were the most perfect words I ever heard. For one, she wanted to do it. For two, she asked if she could, she didn’t want to just take from me. I gave her my response in a smile and a kiss.

I thought she was soft before,
I thought she was delicate before, but when I held her in my arms in that moment, I understood true strength and it was all hers. Someone had to be incredibly strong to live in that light frame and still take the weight on her shoulders that she had. I thought I was going to finish before we started in that moment by the pressure building and as I held back, memories haunted me.
So many memories of holding back.
I bit my lower lip to push the thoughts away as she pushed her hands inside the back of my waistband. She hooked her thumbs in and pulled them down with as gentle a movement as she had her own. They fell down to the floor and she leaned up and kissed my chin as I stepped from them.

She pulled away from me and stepped into the tub. Turning toward me, I saw goose bumps start across her body as the contrasting temperatures danced around her. She wrapped her hands around her waist and I lifted my own hands to take hers. “Sit down
,” I said as I balanced her. She did and leaned her back against the tub. I knelt down and picked up an empty jug sitting next to the tub and filled it with water. Her eyes were closed as she relaxed in the warmth of the water. How could she be so free right now, when I was trying like hell to keep from running from the room screaming?

“What about you?”
she asked as she turned to me with a smile.

“What about me? You’re way dirtier than me I think
,” I said dead pan, taking her off guard. Then she smacked my arm and laughed.

“Ass munch,” s
he said with a grin, catching my play on words.

“What?” I said with a wink as she leaned back and I held her shoulders, letting water run over her hair. I had to say something smart ass to make it easier to be this intimate with her. It added to the intimacy that she understood why I was being a smart ass and she didn’t care. She needed it as much as me.

“No one has washed my hair before,” she said as I was running my hands through her hair. “Well, not since I was a kid and my mom did,” she said.

“
Then this is one of our moments that we can claim as only ours,” I said as I rinsed the shampoo from her hair.

“It would have only been ours even if I had done this
with another. All of our moments are ours and ours alone, Wynn. It is us right now, no one else,” she said and put her hand over mine, I knew she was meaning that for me as well as her. It was just
us
now. “Get in with me please,” she said with imploring eyes.

I couldn’t deny her that, so I stood and I realized too late that my crotch was right in front of her face as was my very erect penis. Yeah, she knew it was erect before then, that was the point of all this. But it still made me nervous having it right there in front of her. I took a deep breath and
kept my focus on her. I wanted it to be only us right now, but ghosts were creeping just around the edge of my thoughts.

She ran her finger across the scars on my thigh. “I used to cut myself there
,” I admitted, running my own fingers across the scars that now interlaced with a quote from Bukowski.

“I know
,” she said with a gentle expression, keeping her attention on the tattoo. “I love your tattoos.” She ran her fingers across the quote on my thigh. “They make me feel safe,” she made me feel safe too, as she didn't judge me for what I once did.

I lifted an eyebrow
. “How do my tattoos make you feel safe?”

“It’s like when I’m surrounded by books, only be
tter.” She smiled up at me, as I stepped into the tub. She scooted forward to let me sit behind her. When she leaned back against me our breath caught at the same time her back touched my chest. She tried to right herself without rubbing me as I attempted to get comfortable with the closeness. She continued to speak, keeping our focus elsewhere. “I love words. I mean, absolutely love them more than anything else. I have said it before, I know, but it is one of the strongest truths about me. So seeing them all over you and in such beautiful creations makes me feel safe.”

We put our hands together and I turned hers to look at her
penance
tattoo. “Do you still have the need to punish yourself after everything you learned today?” I asked.

She looked at her tattoo for several seconds before responding
. “I want to say, no. But it’s been part of me for so long I don’t know how not to punish myself for living. I’m getting closer to understanding though.”

“I know what you mean
,” I said and she rested her head against my shoulder.

“There are many things I want to do with and to you
, Wynn. Like more than anything,” she confessed as I took a deep breath at her forwardness. “I want to
feel
something again.” She sat up and turned toward me. “But I’m afraid, because I don’t know if I have ever felt anything and I don’t know what that means for me. If you've never really felt anything, how do you know when it's real?" she sighed as she lowered her eyes from mine. “I’m scared shitless too."

“Do you trust me?” I asked her as I brought our hands together and we both watched the water drip down our wrists.

“Of course,” she said without hesitation and smiled.

“Let me take the lead on this, for both of us
,” I said and she nodded in agreement as she turned to lie back against me.

We spent the next several minutes in the tub in silence. The warm water relaxed me as I watched her rest her head against my shoulder and look at the ceiling. She held her focus upward as she kept her thoughts guarded and I never asked what she was thinking. I ca
me to the realization that she was always deep in thought and if she had something to say, she would. We shared that and we both worked out our own thoughts separately, together. We were moving into the unknown for both of us, and needed to take the time to absorb the magnitude of it.

Without a word, I pushed her hair behind her ear and kissed
right behind it, then stepped from the tub and took her hand. She followed me into the bedroom that was ours.
Ours
. She sat on the mattress and I stepped back to look at her. She was radiant and I was going to explore every part of her in detail and I wanted to let her do the same with me. I trusted her just as much as she trusted me.

I couldn't rush through this, because I wanted her to feel every part of it. I wanted her to feel every part of me and make sure she knew just how amazing she was in my eyes. She needed to believe it about herself. She rushed through everything in life and never allowed herself to feel worthy. She was worthy. She was magnificent. There was no time for rushing anymore.

I started at her fingertips and kissed every one of them before I ran my hands down her arms and lifted them toward her head as I held her hands and kissed her lips, and every part of her face. I sat up and looked at how beautiful she was in that moment. I stepped from the bed and took in the entire scene with her legs pressed together and tilted to the side. Her arms relaxed on the pillows next to her and her expectant eyes watched my every movement.

I went to my bag and pulled my camera out and she gave me a shy smile, but she didn’t tell me to put it away. I took just a couple photos of her and set my camera down, because I didn’t want to allow myself to be lost behind the lens. I needed to be present with her right now.

Her still wet hair stuck to her temples and her clean face displayed her pure self in that moment. It wasn’t because of the lack of makeup though. It was because her eyes held a purity and abandonment that wasn’t there earlier. She was lifting herself up from the pain she was in, one moment at a time.

I put a hand around either ankle and rubbed them up her calves as I separated her legs and sat between them. I wanted to kiss her on her legs, and without
a second thought, I did. I didn’t let my thoughts or fears control me as I looked to her eyes and moved upward. She was watching me and her breathing picked up the farther up her leg and then her thigh I moved. I knew that all I had to do was turn my eyes just to the side and I would be right there.  I wanted that part of her and was unsure of myself, but when I looked into her eyes all I saw was truth. She was giving me all control of the moment and the trust she gave me empowered me. I held her trust and love in my hands and I gave her mine in return.