Penny Serenade (20 page)

Audrey nodded and took the jewelry bag Betsy offered her. “Thanks for the advice.”

“Always happy to give it, dear.
We’ll get together soon and discuss more about my doing readings here.”

“You’ve got it. Enjoy your lunch.”

After Betsy left she thought the advice through. Was she paralyzed by her illusions? Hiding out in her safe havens while life happened around her? If there was anything she was certain of, it was that Betsy knew what she was talking about.

Of course she should be the one to apologize. She wanted to believe it would be better had they never met, but what if the opposite were true? Why was it so hard for her to believe she and Dominic had made a connection from the beginning? She’d always been open-minded to the universe’s signs and signals. Fate didn’t sound far-fetched, at least when it happened to others.

She lacked experience in the love department. The relationships she’d had in the past were of convenience. She refused to let them into her heart, for fear they’d break it. Sex didn’t require love, only a warm body and verbal foreplay. Dominic showed her the possibility for something more. He showed her love could happen, and that it could be both scary and exciting. He made her feel safe. He made her want to open up and share parts of herself, even the less than desirable parts. It would be silly to let him go without some small effort from her. If she wanted to get her life moving forward again, she had to try. She had to know if he’d forgive her.

Audrey glanced at the clock and decided it was a good time to take a lunch break. She’d go see Dominic and straighten things out.

She extinguished the candles and incense, put the back in one hour sign up in the window, and started toward Dominic’s work. Halfway there her confidence fizzled and second thoughts loomed. Maybe before she apologized she should write it out first, and rehearse it a couple hundred times. Words came easier to her on paper.

Undecided, she continued walking anyway until she arrived at his store, Blume N Supplies. The name made her smile. Audrey ignored her doubts and pushed open the door. Colorful displays of paints, tiles, and backsplashes covered the walls. Supplies, paint rollers, sponges, and various sized buckets filled the aisles, along with ladders and other design equipment. She strolled along glancing at all the shelves, mustering up her courage.

From the register counter a tall, husky man in a baseball cap with Dan on his nametag nodded her direction. “Miss, can I help you?”

“Uh, yes, I’m looking for Dominic Blume.”

“He’s in the backroom. Just off to your left,” he said, gesturing at the other end of the store behind her.

“Is it okay for me to go back there?”

“Yep.”

She straightened and walked with purpose. Now wasn’t the time to feel small. He might not still be mad, or like Betsy pointed out, maybe he didn’t know if she wanted to see him.

Audrey went into the backroom and took a few steps in. Dominic stood on a ladder, painting what looked like some kind of mural. His jeans were speckled with paint, just the way she liked them. She cleared her throat and he glanced down at her, his brush in mid-stroke. The look in his eyes was devoid of any warmth. She shivered at the chill from them. Now she felt very small.

“What are you doing here?” He asked.

“I came to talk to you.” She paused when she noticed a small bandage over his temple. “What happened to your head?”

“Nothing.
Minor accident.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said with a gruffness that surprised her. “You shouldn’t be here. This isn’t your scene. It’s messy. It’s noisy. It’s not all positive and ideal like you and your perfect existence.”

Okay, he was still mad. “I don’t have a perfect existence,” she started. “When did I ever say that?”

“You’re all about order and stuff I can’t pronounce. That kung phooey crap you had done in your house.”

She gave him a puzzled look and then understood what he was trying to say. “You mean feng shui?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Why is it the things I’m interested in are considered crap?” She sighed and tapped her foot. “Forget it. None of those things have anything to do with us.
Which is the reason I’m here.
”

It was his turn to look puzzled.
“Us?”

Audrey tried to focus on the apology. If she didn’t get it out, then seeing him would be for nothing. “I came here to apologize for what I said to you that night. Apparently I had some kind of communication breakdown. I’m usually careful with what I say.”

“I’d say that’s your whole problem,” he interrupted.

“Excuse me?”

“You spend too much time thinking about how and what to say that you forget to include the emotions behind it. Just say it like it is.”

“Well, I tried to explain, but you took offense.” Audrey wasn’t certain if that was exactly how it happened, but she felt the need to defend herself.

His jaw clenched. “You said I scared you.”

“You did…you do. But not in a bad way.”

“That’s not how it sounded from my point of view.”

Audrey wished he’d come all the way down from the ladder, her neck hurt looking up at him. “At the time it was my way of trying to control the situation. If you remember, I was against seeing you in the first place.” Well crap, that came out all wrong. God she was a hopeless case.

“I’m aware that you agreed to go with me because I pressured you into it.”

“That’s not true. And anyway, I found myself comfortable around you. So much so that I let down my guard.
That’s
what scared me.”

Dominic dismissed her with his hand. “
It’s
fine, I get it.”

“I don’t think you do,” she countered. “The problem I have is that I don’t know how to make room for someone else. I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed and hurt. By staying alone I save myself from pain. Do you understand?”

The stare told her that he didn’t. “We live in two different worlds. Yours is all neat and tidy.
Mine’s
a big fucking mess, and probably always will be. I don’t think there’s any reason to pretend there’s something more to it…to us. You don’t like people to fake being interested, and neither do I.”

Audrey shifted her weight. She wanted to tell him about her trip, and her aunt, and the things that had happened to her since they’d been apart. Now didn’t seem the time or place, but she feared she’d never get the chance. “Can’t we try and start over?”

“We tried that too,” he snapped, “or at least I did. You made up your mind about me when I said something you didn’t like. I’ve apologized repeatedly for it, and I told you that I don’t apologize to just anyone.”

How did this keep getting back to him? She took a breath and cleared her throat. “
I’m
the one here trying to apologize.
You
don’t need to. The comment you made about the pennies is ancient history. I thought you knew I’d forgiven you and was giving you a bad time for fun.”

He shrugged. “All of it is history.” He turned back to the mural. “I have work I need to do.”

“Okay.” She started to leave and hesitated. No, she couldn’t leave just yet. “Look, I’m sorry for the way things ended that night. I know I’m somewhat of a complicated wreck, believe me and I hate it. I never planned on having feelings for you, especially since we hardly know one another. I admit that I got scared and I reacted poorly.”

“Yep.”

She ignored his condescending tone. “And see, it’s not that I need things to be neat and tidy. I learned early on to make a space for myself, a comfort zone, a safety net and to protect it. It’s how I’ve coped with loss in the past and it’s the only way I’ve been able to move on.”

Audrey knew she sounded desperate but couldn’t help herself. “When my mom left, my dad helped me make an area in my room where I could go to and feel safe. After my dad died, and I moved in with my aunt, I made a little space for myself in the corner. No one could enter but me. I had all my special things around me and they were mine and no one could get in.”

Dominic looked down at her, a scowl heavy on his face. “Well, congratulations, you’ve managed to alienate everyone.
Me
included. I’m done apologizing for my words. I didn’t realize you were so judgmental.”

“You hurt me that day, but—”

“You need to take your blinders off.”

She recoiled as if he’d slapped her. “Excuse me?”

“Your blinders.
The ones that keep you from seeing the good things in front of you.
I’m a nice guy if you’d ever remove those blinders and take a look. I understand you suffered a lot of unhappy stuff growing up. But you aren’t made of glass. When you feel like rejoining the world, give me a shout.”

Her mouth hung open. Maybe she didn’t deserve to be forgiven, but she didn’t deserve to be talked to that way. She wished some big fancy one-liner would pop into her head so she could at least have the satisfaction of the last word, but nothing formed.

“Well, fuck you,” she said and stormed out. Like hell she’d cry in front of him or beg him to give her another chance. She was almost to the door when she stopped. For a moment she thought he’d called out her name, but realized it was her imagination. This time around he wouldn’t follow her back to her store. And why should he? She’d waited too long to apologize. She’d let enough time pass for him to become uninterested in her. Where had her mind been anyway? Had she left for
Maine
to escape from having to deal with things here? She didn’t know anymore. Things had taken a complicated turn.

Audrey hurried back to her shop, fighting back tears. From here on out she planned to concentrate only on work. No more Dominic, no more trips to the planetarium, and no more writing. The store would be her life. Eat, breathe, and sleep work. It sounded perfect. She’d call Heidi and tell her the vacation was off. At this point she couldn’t enjoy herself.

She’d barely had the shop reopened when the bell jingled above the door and a nice looking couple entered holding hands. She forced a smile to be polite. More than anything she wanted to be alone. It was how she knew to be.

From behind the counter she watched the man rest his hand on the woman’s lower back while she pointed around the store. Their quiet conversation they shared was laced with love and sweet talk. Clearly they were in love, and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Audrey couldn’t relate. She wished she had the ability to trust someone with all of her being, and let them into her life. Dominic had almost been that one. His words reverberated in her head. Whether he knew it or not, he’d been wrong. Her life
was
a mess, which was why she’d made efforts to change. She hated feeling like nothing could ever be good again. But she realized that all the changing of the spaces around her didn’t mean she herself had changed. She was still the same frightened girl who slept with moonbeams and believed pennies were priceless when they came from her father. She felt more alone than ever.

The lovesick couple approached the counter, giggling and staring adoringly at one another while she rung up the garnet drop earrings with matching necklace. She tried to think of something intelligent to say, but words betrayed her. They were too involved with one another to notice anyhow, so that helped.

As the door closed behind them, a tear trailed her cheek, followed by another. She couldn’t do this here. Not in her store. How would it look if someone came in? The pity party would have to wait until she returned home.

Audrey glanced to the far corner of the shop. A change
would
be good in the store. Better lighting, a window, and a fresh coat of paint. She’d go over her budget in the morning and see what she could afford. For now at least she could do something about the corner. Seeing the candles were out of oil, she quickly filled them. Her fingers trembled so bad she spilled some onto the flyers Heidi had made up about her convention in
Seattle
. The words blurred beneath the drops of oil. She’d be sure to clean those up and print more up.

In a hurry she grabbed a matchbox from behind the counter and strode back to the corner. Still fuming, she struck a match and started to light the candles. Her mind wandered to the couple that left. If she had kept her cool and given into desire, that could’ve been her and Dominic. She loved the way his arms felt around her. She’d been able to let down her guard because she felt safe around him. The fear was how far she was willing to allow him to go with her. Not in him, but in herself. Why hadn’t she told him that?