Perchance (23 page)

             
I went to the car and got the towels and the blanket. 
She was shaking by the time I got back and she grabbed the towel from me and after we dried off we sat on the edge of the dock.  I wrapped her
up in the blanket too while she dried off. 

             
“Keep surprising me like this Cooper.  This has been one of your best ideas yet.”

             
“I’ve got lots of surprises planned for you.  Just you wait.”

             
“Hold me Coop, I’m freezing.” She said with a trembling chin.

             
“Like you have to ask.”

             
I love Christmas time now.  I didn’t used to.  We never had much money and Mom was always working so it was just another day for us.  When I was a kid, when Dad was around, they made it a big deal with the big tree and tons of presents and everything
even though he spent most of the time drunk
.  I loved it this year because I actually had money in my pocket to buy gifts and I had someone that I loved to buy for.

             
I walked into the retirement home to give Edith her present.  She was in a quiet mood today.  She always got quiet around holidays.  It must be terrible to be alone on Christmas. 
We talked for the longest time. I told Aunt Brenda that I would be spending a good amount of time with Edith today. 

             
We talked about Cooper and as usual I hid no secrets, she was my confidante and I used her as therapy.  I told her my fears and my plans.  I even told her about the swimming part.  She laughed and told me that it reminded her of herself and her husband when they were young. 

             
“H
ow long did you date or court
before he proposed?” I asked. 

             
“Oh, not long honey girl, I think it was three dates.” She giggled like she was right in the middle of the proposal.

             
“Wow, that was fast.” I said.

             
“Well, I believe that that kind of love comes quickly and fast and when you know, you know.”

             
“I guess so.  I knew I loved Cooper right away.”

             
“So if you love him, the natural progression is getting married right?”

             
She surprised me by saying that because I had reiterated over and over my plans to her
about not getting married until I could support myself without the help of anyone.

             
I didn’t want to say anything rude to her so I was just quiet.

             
“I know you’re scared Remi.  But you’ll never make the mistakes of your parents if you recognize that they made mistakes.  And not all men are like your Dad.  There are still some good ones left and I think you’ve found one darlin’”. 

             
The room’s walls were creeping in on me.  I was sweating all of the sudden and the edges of my vision were graying up.  Was that where Cooper was? Was he at that point where he wanted to marry me? No, it can’t be.  He knows better.  I know he loves me.  And I certainly love
him with everything in me, but I can’t.  I won’t.  I mean eventually if I get done with me, maybe.  But that’s a long time away, right? Right?

             
“I need to go.  Merry Christmas and I hope you enjoy your gift.”

             
“Remi? Are you ok?” She looked worried and I didn’t want to leave her like that.

             
“Yes ma’am, I’m fine.  I just need to get back home.” I said and tried to plaster on a smile.

             
“Merry Christmas Remi.”

             
“Merry Christmas to you.”

             
I almost ran out of there and ran back home.  I needed to chill out and fast.  I was supposed to spend tonight with Cooper and his mom and dad.  I ran into the bathroom and shucked my clothes as fast as I could getting tangled in my own jeans and almost landing flat faced on the floor.  I turned the shower on full blast on the coldest it would go.  I was still freaking out and then it all hit me in a wave of tears and confusion.  I slid down until my naked rear end hit the tiles of the shower and before long I couldn’t tell the difference between the amount of tears and the water coming from the shower.  I sat there for nearly an hour, and finally I was cried out. 

             
“This is ridiculous.” I told my own reflection as she stared back at me red eyes and all.

             
“He wouldn’t do that to me.  He knows how I feel.” Who was I trying to convince?

             
I finally decided that I couldn’t be worried about something that may or may not happen.  I got dressed in a red long sleeve shirt and some jeans, gathered up my presents and walked to Cooper’s house. 

             
Eric opened the door and it always surprised me that he looked almost identical to Cooper except that he was older and a little chubbier.  But he was still a handsome man.  I walked in and Cooper took my packages from me and lifted me in the air whispering  “Merry Christmas” to me as he did.

             
He turned to introduce his mom who grabbed me in a back crushing hug.  She was really beautiful.  She had shoulder length hair that was a deep brown and matching brown eyes.  She was happy and
went on and on about how much she had heard about me from Cooper.

             
They made me open my gifts firs
t.  Ms. Trish and Eric bought
an Old Navy gift card together and gave it to me.  Hey shouldn’t have gotte
n me anything and I told them so. Of course they just brushed me off.  Then it was time for Cooper’s present to be opened.  He sat on the edge of the couch next to me.  I unwrapped the paper snail pace slow just to taunt him.

             
He finally turned to me and said, “Quit it Remi.”

             
I laughed and ripped it open. 

             
“No freakin’ way.  Is this real?” I asked while I turned the box over and over looking at it.

             
“It better be.” Cooper laughed at me.

             
“It’s a laptop.” I was in awe.

             
“
Oh man, it was supposed to be a donkey, they ripped me off.” Cooper rolled his eyes at me.

             
“All right Cooper.” His Dad gave him a look.

             
Cooper put his arm around me.  “I thought you could use it for school now and then college.”

             
I put it on the coffee table and reached out for him.  He was the sweetest most considerate person I had ever met and he was doing everything he could to make sure I did what I needed to do.  I was so silly for getting upset earlier. 

             
“Ok, your present sucks now,” I laughed.

             
“Whatever you got me will be great. Give it to me.” He said.

             
I handed it to him and I swear that boy nearly cried at just one look at a t shirt.  A t shirt. 

             
“It’s signed with all the original band members.” He said.

             
His Mom and Dad suddenly had things to get prepared in the kitchen and we were alone and he was still staring at his gift.

             
“Well? Do you like it? You’re not saying anything.” I asked.

             
He turned and hugged me like we hadn’t seen each other in months. 

             
“It’s the best gift I’ve ever, ever gotten.  Thank you.”

             
“The best ever? See…now I’m gonna get all stressed out next time trying to outdo this one.”

             
“So you’re planning on being with me next Christmas?” He asked.

             
“Duh.” I said. I didn’t like where this conversation has turned to.
U-turn please!

             
We were called to the kitchen and we ate Cooper’s Mom’s chicken spaghetti.  It wasn’t a usual Christmas fare but Cooper was in heaven after the first bite. 

             
We finished eating and I said my goodbyes and he walked me home as usual. 

             
At my door he hugged me a little bit longer than usual and his kiss was different.  Longer, slower, sweeter, but demanding all at the same time.  I still couldn’t shake the feeling that Edith’s words gave me.  It was gnawing at me gently but steadily.  It was unnerving and I didn’t sleep a wink that Christmas Eve night.

             
She looked like she had been crying but I didn’t say anything about it.  I would get to the bottom of it tomorrow.  I helped Mom clean up Eric’s living room of all the paper and bows and tape.  She seemed to love her gift but it was on the surface.  Something was chewing at her and I needed to find out.  She hardly ate anything either and she had never been shy about eating, ever. 
I couldn’t believe her gift. A sig
ned vintage Journey t shirt.  It must’ve cost her a ton.  I had seen them on an online auction one time, but it was way
too
expensive.

             
I kissed my Mom who was still talking to Eric on the back porch, which was weird.  I told Eric goodnight.  Tomorr
ow we were going to my Gram’s
house to spend Christmas morning with her as a surprise. 

             
I took a shower and got into bed and texted Remi before I went to sleep. 

             
Me:
I love you. Merry Christmas.

             
Remi:
Merry Christmas Cooper.

             
I knew that it seemed petty and childish, but she had never not said ‘I love you’ back. Never. And it bubbled in my gut all night.

             
I didn’t tell him I love him back.  My fingers simply wouldn’
t type it.  I did love him;
there was no doubt about that. None.

             
How was I going to face him tomorrow?

             
I was so nervous and on edge that my whole face seemed to be tingling with the anxious energy. 

             
It was reminiscent of a tsunami or what I knew of them.
  The waves looked fine, everything was calm. Then the whole ocean receded back into itself building and churning the overpowering wave that was to come.  You didn’t recognize it at first but then you had the overwhelming need to run.

             
She was surprised as can be when we showed up at the retirement home on Christmas morning.  She was especially happy to see Mom and gave me an extra long squeeze.  We opened presents and she made us watch Miracle on 34
^th
street.  I wondered how my girl was doing.

             
I felt uneasy. I sat on the edge of Gram’s couch feeling like I needed to run to her and see her face and know that everything was ok.

             
I barely made it through the morning without crying.  What was happening here? I felt like I was crumbling inch by inch, piece by piece waiting for a hammer to come down and smash me to pieces once and for all.  Aunt Brenda and I exchanged gifts and she got me a laptop case and an iPod.  She must’ve known what Cooper was getting me.