Perchance (25 page)

             
The first couple of days I tried to call, but she had let her phone die and apparently never turned it back on again.  After calling about thirty nine times her aunt told me to stop calling.  So then I started going over there, three, four, five times a day and either they wouldn’t answer or her aunt would tell me that she didn’t want to talk to me. 

             
I could see it now.  They say hindsight is 20/20 and whoever they were, they were right.  What a careless unthoughtful bastard I had been.  If I had been looking at her, instead of following my own idiotic plan I would’ve seen it.  Seen the fear and apprehension building in her.  If I had opened my mutha f’in eyes I would’ve recognized her emotions and put them in front of my own selfish agenda. 

             
I should’ve listened to Eric when he warned me when I was wrapping her presents. 
I should’ve listened to my grandma when she said that she was shaky about my plan.  I should’ve heeded my mom’s warning that came in the form of a concerned look. 

             
Eric had tried to console me.  He tried to stop me every time he saw me walking towards her house, but never succeeded. 

             
It had been eight days since that happened.  Troy would call me and tell me some little tidbit that Josie had conveyed to him, but that’s all I go
t.  I went to talk to Gram
about it but she blamed herself too.  Apparently all this time,
Remi had been working for Gram
on Mondays and Thursdays and had told her everything about us.  I didn’t care about that at all.  It made me happy in fact.  Knowing that she was comfortable enough to talk to m
y
Gram
was comforting to me.  But then she didn’t know it was my grandmother and she probably hated me for that too.

             
We only had six more days until school started back.  I didn’t even want to go anymore.  But I needed to prove to her that I wasn’t going anywhere.  I needed to prove it to myself.  But the thought of her ignoring me in person was enough to make me want to stab myself with a rusty spoon.

             
Those six days went by and I felt like I was recovering from being run over by a tank. Everything ached and my skin felt like it was paper thin.  I dragged myself out of bed and grabbed a bagel and toasted it for her.  I grabbed an orange juice and put it in my bag.  I had to do this.  I love her.  I love her with every breath and I was going to be there, standing strong whether I felt strong or not, come Hell or high water.

             
I approached that Godforsaken car.  I hated it now.  I hated it.  She loved that car.  I got in it and the trees had covered up her scent.  I hadn’t driven it since that night.  The keys were in the ash tray and I opened it to get the keys.

             
“Son of a…” The keys were in there
but so was one of her little tiny lip gloss things.

             
I could almost see her next to me in that seat putting that stuff on those pouty lips and then checking them in the mirror as if she was anything less than perfect.

             
Nope, not driving it today.

             
I called Troy and informed him that he would have to ride with Josie.  I was not touching that car today with a ten foot pole.

             
Maybe tomorrow.

             
Most of the day I sat in the foyer right inside the front door.  I sat there all day. I ate there
and
I drank there.  I even stretched
my neck around the door jamb
and watched TV from there.  It was pitiful and self-depraving but I didn’
t give
a mad flip.  If I sat right there I could hear his steps coming up the stairs.  I could hear him breathing hard and calling my name through the front door.  I could feel the pounding against my back as he knocked on the door from the other side.  I could hear as eventually his pleas for me turned into sobs.  Then I could hear him descendin
g the stairs and
my friend pain came to console me again.
Because at this point, pain was better than emptiness. It reminded me that I was still alive.

             
Aunt Brenda forced me to get up every day and get dressed and eat.  Sometimes Josie would come over and ‘hang out.’ I didn’t say much to her because I knew that eventually it would get back to Cooper.  Aunt Brenda had called my mom on me and it turns out my mom had a new boyfriend which is why she never had time to call me or even send me a Christmas present. 
All she had to say was that I would get over it.

             
I slept with one of his t shirts that he had left in my bag when we went camping once.

             
I kept one of his cute little notes in my pocket and the seams had worn off the ink from the folds.

             
I turned my phone on only in the middle of the night so I could look at his pictures on it.

             
I hated school again. I hated it and I didn’t want to go.  I hated my stupid selfish self-reliance plan and what it had made me do to that man that I still loved with all of my heart. Every time he knocked or called I vomited and then went back to my spot on the floor.  I vomited because I made myself sick for what I had done to us.  There were so many other ways I could’ve handled it. So many, and I ran them through my head over and over like a reel of bad home movies.

             
I got dressed in some jeans and a long sleeved white t shirt.  I pulled on a black zip-up hoodie and pulled on some shoes. I reached into the closet and put a belt on because my jeans were ab
out to fall off of my skinny butt
. 
I brushed my teeth and put on deodorant. Screw the rest.
             

             
I went out and
Aunt Brenda gave me a look.
             

             
“This is as good as it gets Aunt Brenda.” I pointed up and down myself with both of my pointer fingers.

             
She went ahead to school and I was still
going to ride with Josie.  I sat
down and half ate half mutilated a bowl of cereal until I heard the honking of a horn outside.   I ran to brush my teeth one more time. I was so backwards today. 

             
I got in the car and Troy was already in the small convertible.  I gave him a ‘what the hell’ look and he shrugged.

             
“Cooper called me and said he’s walking to school.”

             
Oh God, he said
his name out loud.  How dare he!
  Aunt Brenda and I had been using he or him for so long that I didn’t realize the anguish that would rush through me at the sound of his name being spoken out loud.  Sure, I said it to myself, but this was different.

             
“Why?” I croaked out when I had gotten my bearings.

             
“I don’t know. He was rambling about not bei
ng able to stand the sight of his car
anymore.”

             
The rest of the small ride to school was in silence.

             
I wanted to believe that it had nothing to do with me.  But I knew better.  He couldn’t stand the sight of it because he probably couldn’t stand the sight of me.

             
I walked into school and almost turned around and walked back out.  But I wouldn’t do that to her or to me.  I sucked it up and went to my classes.  I put her breakfast into her locker when she wasn’t there. I focused on school.  I needed these good grades to get me into some kind of school so I could keep up with my Pistol. 

             
I put her lunch bag on our tree. I didn’t wait there though.  I didn’t want to run her off.  I walked to the other side of the courtyard and found a bench that was partially hidden by a crepe myrtle.  I watched as she went to the tree and picked up the
bag.  She looked around
but couldn’t see me.  She took off her jacket and sat down.  That was the first time I had realized how much weight she had lost.  She had her jeans cinched up with a belt.  I knew those jeans. They weren’t loose on her before.  In fact, my hands could prove that the
y
used to fit her like a glove. 

             
She didn’t eat much and then she leaned her head back against the tree like she was exhausted. 

             
Remi’s aunt gave me a knowing look before class and then as I passed her desk she caught my forearm and whispered, “Hang in there kid. She’ll come around.”

             
I nodded and headed home…walking.

             
For a split second here and there I swore that I saw him.  He had left food in my locker and I did the cheesiest thing known to man.  I put my nose in the bag and smelled inside. What a loser.  But the inside of the bag only smelled like bread and his Dad’s house. 
All that for nothing.

             
I didn’t pay attention in any of my classes…none of them. 

             
Something overwhelmingly pathetic took over me when I walked into my apartment.  I
think it was because some of my best moments with her took place here.  The first time we kissed, the first time she was in my bed, when I had kissed the sanity from the both of us against that door. 
I went into a state of comatose and most of the time I invited it to take me over.

             
It was for her that I needed to keep going, keep trying, keep letting her know that I was here no matter how hard she tried to push me away. 

             
“I can’t do this Aunt Brenda.  I just can’t. Don’t make me go back.  I’ll stay home and get my GED.  I’ll start BRCC as soon as I get my GED.  I’m begging you.”

             
“Absolutely not.” She was pissed at me. I had never seen her pissed at me but she was now.

             
She sat on the floor next to me in my spot.

             
“Remi, honey I know you have your pride. But let’s face it.  You’ve been back to school for a month. You failed your history test. History. I can’t get you to eat right. I know you stay up at night flipping through pictures on your phone. And that’s not to mention all of those nights you’ve been spending on top of Josie’s roof.  She’s trying to be your friend by letting you sit on her roof and stare at his apartment until all hours of the night, but it’s just not healthy anymore.  Your clothes are falling off of you...” She stopped to reach for a tissue to wipe her eyes. “I don’t know how to help you anymore.  But I do know that giving up on school is not the answer. And you know that Cooper always supported you going to school and getting good grades.  He wanted you to do well.  And I know for a fact that he still brings you breakfast and lunch every single day and has for a month.  And if you won’t think about yourself then think about him.  He loves you and I know you love him.  He mopes around all day and he looks like the walking dead.”

             
“Tell me what to do.” I was lying on the floor letting the tiles cool my face.

             
She straightened herself up and didn’t even look at me when she said it.

             
“I don’t know. But I do know that I love you like my own daughter now. And Cooper loves you more than I could ever hope anyone would love me.  But you need to get straight for you.  If you don’t have the guts to go over there and tell him that you
were wrong and a stubborn jack
ass then at least move on and take care of yourself.”