Perfect You (16 page)

Now if I could just get myself to believe that.

"Kate?" It was Anna. Anna right beside me, like she walked up to me all the time, and I felt my anger evaporate as I watched her bite her lip, clearly upset.

"Don't be pissed at me," she said. "I saw your face when you walked in. I wanted to say something to you, I swear. I just--"

She broke off and looked down at the floor, and when she spoke again, she whispered.

"I'm scared, okay? I know it's stupid, but I keep thinking 'what if Sam sees who I really am?' I mean, I've lost weight and everything, but I really don't care about pep rallies and I miss choir and I get so sick of hearing about Diane's new clothes or who she hates today that sometimes I just want to scream."

"I bet if Sam heard you sing he wouldn't care if you were in choir."

She gave me a look.

"Okay, he might care a little," I said. "But you can do whatever you want, you can be whatever you want. Remember how you always used to say that?"

"Yeah, and look how well that turned out." Her voice was flat. Angry.

"I just meant--"

She shook her head. "Don't worry about it. This morning is just stressing me out. You forgive me for earlier, right? Please? I don't want you to hate me. I'd go insane if I didn't know I could count on you being there for me."

"Since when were you ever sane?" I said, grinning at her, and she smiled back, eyes bright.

"Speaking of sane, is there something you want to tell me about a certain party and a certain guy I thought you hated? Did you and Will really get caught--?"

"Don't say it!"

"It is true! Why didn't you tell me yesterday?"

"I was going to, but--" The final bell rang, cutting me off.

"Damn. Well, details later because the two of you--well, talk about insane, right?" Anna said as she headed down the hall.

I nodded even though I knew she couldn't see me and sagged against my locker, trying to ignore the weird mix of hurt and anger her last words had created. Anna had spoken to me at school. She'd told me she needed to know I'd be there for her.

Maybe things weren't exactly how they used to be, but now I knew for sure that Anna and I were friends again, and that was what I'd wanted. The final bell rang, but I didn't move. I was still processing everything that had happened.

And paralyzed by what I was afraid was going to happen when I finally made it to first period, where I'd have to face Will.

As I plodded to first period, my vision got all spotty and my heart was beating so hard I could practically hear it thumping in my chest. It got worse and worse the closer I got to class, and by the time I got there, I was convinced Will could be lying on the floor naked and I wouldn't notice him because I'd be too busy dying.

I was wrong.

That's because Will wasn't in class. Or naked. He was standing in the hall, listening to Jennifer T., who'd clearly cornered him. Jennifer M. was playing lookout, and I saw her see me and then elbow Jennifer T., all the while moving so I'd have to walk right by them to get into class.

Will, who was clearly trying to figure out why they were attempting to herd him into position by the door, looked around. When he saw me, he looked almost as freaked out as I felt, which made it very clear he was having "oh-shit-what-was-I-thinking-on-Friday-night" thoughts.

Great. I already knew he was having them, because he'd never called me back, but still.

"Hi," both of the Jennifers said to me, and then retreated into the classroom, leaving me and Will out in the hall. We looked at each other for a second.

He was the first person to speak. "Hey."

"Hey." My voice came out relatively normal, and I felt my heart pound even harder.

Maybe he wasn't going to blow me off. Maybe he was going to say something amazing.

"Ready for the test?"

Or not. "I guess. You?"

I could go on, but I won't. The whole conversation, which probably was about ten seconds long but felt like it lasted for an eternity was just like that, so politely bland it hurt. And when Mr. Clark showed up, reeking of cigarettes and crabbily asking, "You do realize your seats are inside the classroom, right?" I was actually glad to see him.

I fumbled my way through the test, trying to remember what I'd supposedly learned but mostly thinking about what the non-conversation I'd had with Will meant. I mean, I knew it wasn't a good conversation, but he had talked to me.

Of course, it wasn't like he'd had much of a choice, since Jennifer T. and M. had trapped him into being around when I showed up. "Miss Brown, your test?"

"What?" I looked up and saw Mr. Clark waiting impatiently by my desk.

"The bell has rung. Your test?"

I handed it over.

"Thank you. I suggest you study a bit more in the future, as the tests are only going to get harder. That goes for you too, Mr. Miller." The scolding would have been more effective if Mr. Clark hadn't bolted for the door while he was talking, desperate to get his nicotine fix in the three minutes before next period started.

I grabbed my bag, careful not to look at Will, or at least, not look at him in an obvious way.

"Kate," he said, grabbing his stuff and walking toward me. "Sorry about before. The Jennifers sort of ganged up on me, and you know how that is."

I headed for the door. "Yeah, I saw your face. You should be thankful you've never had to go shopping with them."

You don't know how much it cost me to say that, to act like him not bringing up Friday night didn't hurt, but a year of disappointment had trained me well, and I was not getting cut off at the knees again. Will wasn't going to blow me off because I wasn't going to care. It was just that simple.

"Are you mad?" he said as I was getting ready to walk into the hall.

"What?" Where had that come from? I would never understand guys. "Do I sound mad?"

"Sort of." "I'm not," I said tightly. Why wasn't he going away? I'd given him his out. What more did he want from me?

"Oh. Okay. It's just . . . you never called me back and your grandmother--who seems really nice--said you would." He reached into his bag and pulled out a plastic shopping bag. "Here's your shoe."

"Thanks." I stuffed it into my bag, my mind racing. Grandma had told him I'd call? I thought her "Darling, call him," stuff was her trying to give advice. Why couldn't she just say, "He asked you to call him," like a normal person? "She didn't exactly give me all of your message."

"Well, I said I had your shoe and that you should call me."

"To what, discuss ransom?"

He laughed. "No. I thought--" We'd walked out into the hall now, and I could see people watching us. Hookup aftermath viewing was truly Jackson High's most popular sport.

I saw Will look around, watched him realize our conversation had gone public. Very public.

"I thought that test would be easier," he said, two spots of dull red appearing on his face, and tossed off a "Later," before walking off.

And so I ended up standing alone in the hallway, undoubtedly looking like I'd just been blown off by a guy I was sure rumor had me conceiving triplets with. The worst part was, there was nothing I could do about it--and I still had the rest of the day to get through.

Hell, I had the rest of the year to get through, not to mention the rest of high school.

Still, Will had blown me off, so at least that was over. We were over. I told myself the burning feeling in my throat and behind my eyes was worry over the test I'd just taken, and not anything else.

I managed to make it through second period by pretending I couldn't see everyone looking at me, but then I ran into Will again. He was in the hall outside class when it ended. He looked liked he'd combed his hair with a fork, and said he'd meant to say something else before.

"Oh?" I said, my stupid brain churning up fantasies of him sweeping me into his arms and kissing me while people threw flowers and someone handed me keys to a new car.

"Yeah," he said, and glanced around. Once again, plenty of people were watching. "So . .

. how do you think you did on the test?"

If only the world could have ended then. But it didn't, and so Will and I discussed the test again.

And then, after third period, I saw him once more. This time he looked like he'd combed his hair with a fork and had the wild-eyed look of someone who hadn't slept for three days. Topic of conversation? THE WEATHER. It was horrible.

The only good thing to come out of whatever was going on was that people weren't staring at us anymore. Instead everyone-- even the girls--was looking at Will like he'd gone a bit crazy. It would have made me feel better except that every time he said,

"Kate?" my heart started pounding and I started hoping for things I knew would never happen.

Hope was supposed to be a good thing, but it was starting to feel like every other four-letter word you're not supposed to say. I didn't see him before lunch, though, and afterward I was sure I wouldn't see him again.

I figured he was finally done doing whatever it was he was doing to me. Plus we'd exhausted every stupid conversation topic out there. I mean, what was left to talk about once you'd discussed the weather?

The fact that I had rice in my hair.

Yes, that's right. Apparently there wasn't enough humiliation in my life, because I did see Will as I left the cafeteria. In fact, I pretty much walked right into him.

"Hey," he said. "I--I was wondering if... do you know you have rice in your hair?"

"No," I said, hearing my voice crack and hating myself for it, for letting him get to me again. I headed for the girls' room, practically shoving him out of the way. He looked sad, but I knew I was seeing things. Will looked amused or adorable or sometimes bored, and I was the girl with rice in her hair.

I picked it out, a small sticky lump snagged in the ends of my hair, and tossed it in the trash, telling myself that when I had a real job and a real car and a real life, this would be funny. Or at least forgettable.

"Here," I heard, and saw Sarah standing behind me, holding up a small brush. "You want to borrow this?"

I'd actually rather have my eyes sewn shut, but you didn't turn down kindness from girls like Sarah. Well, some people would. People with actual self-esteem, for example. But I'd just lost all of mine and I'd have taken a nice gesture from anyone then.

"Thanks," I said, and took the brush. "Sure," Sarah said. "I heard what Will said back there. And I saw him talking to you after third period too. It's one thing to be all . . . whatever after you hook up, but he's acting really weird."

"Yeah," I said, and dragged the brush through my hair as fast as I could, not wanting to discuss what had happened Friday night with her or anyone else. "Thanks."

"No problem," she said. "I've been there, you know? This one time last year, I hooked up with a senior, and when I saw him on Monday he called me Sandy and asked if his brother could call me. And his brother? Kim."

"Kim? 'I worship ancient movies' Kim?"

"That Kim," she said, and made a face. "It was the worst moment of my entire life, and I swore I'd always get a last name before I hooked up after that."

I nodded, not trusting myself to comment on anything she'd just said without mocking or laughing. Or both.

"Anyway," she said, tossing her brush in her bag and checking her makeup, "I just wanted to say that guys suck sometimes, you know?"

"They do," I said, and when I left the bathroom I felt--well, not great, but better, and it was thanks to Sarah, of all people. I almost felt bad for the stuff I'd thought about her before. I knew a better person would actually feel sorry, but then a better person probably wouldn't have had to watch Sarah rub herself up against the guy I liked.

Wait, make that used to like. And definitely wasn't talking to again.

Except that when I left my last class, Will was there. I walked out into the hall and saw him. He looked like he was going to throw up and was clearly waiting for me because he said, "Kate," when I came out and then started walking toward me.

I can't tell you how terrible it felt to know I made him look like he was going to vomit.

Next thing you know, he'd see me and go into convulsions. I couldn't wait to get out of school and away from him, and turned around, walking away.

"Hey," he said, following me, "I need to talk to you."

I ignored him. Or at least pretended to.

"Seriously, Kate."

I started to walk faster, but he'd caught up with me and fell into step beside me.

"Look, I've been trying to say something all day, and if you'd just let me--"

"Fine." I stopped in the middle of the hall, not caring if people saw. I'd had it. Screw trying to pretend my life wasn't a big ball of suck. Screw trying to act like I could somehow stop it from getting worse. "Say whatever it is you want to say already, because I can't take another fucking conversation about the weather with you."

His face got red again. "I wanted to see if you wanted to go out sometime. With me, I mean. And without--" He gestured around us, face still red but a smile springing to his face, dimples showing. "An audience."

Yes, my brain screamed. YES! But only part of my brain. The rest of it--the thinking part of it--remembered how people had looked at us after first period, and how their expressions had changed with every "conversation" we'd had. How they'd started to look at him, and how Sarah, of all people, had said something nice to me after lunch.

How she clearly didn't think as much of him as she'd used to.

Will had made himself look like an ass, and I knew he was smart enough to know it. And what better way to redeem himself than asking me out, especially since Will never asked anyone out. He didn't date. Everyone knew it. I knew it.

This was a big gesture. A big moment, and I could guess why he'd done it. And when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah, I knew it had worked because she wasn't shooting me glances of solidarity. She was watching Will like he'd done something incredible.

He'd fixed things for himself. All I had to do was play along, and I'd get the date I'd dreamed of.