Perfectly Shattered (26 page)

When she relaxed, Bradan put her on the bed and rapidly removed all his clothes. He was so virile, all muscle under taut skin. When his briefs came off, his erection sprang free and Cami reached out to touch his gorgeous cock.

Cami stroked the bulging veins along his shaft with feathery strokes, and Bradan panted to maintain control. She cupped his balls, tight and hot, rolling them in her hand. He moaned and grabbed her hands, moving them away.

“Too much. I won’t be able to hold back.”

Bradan bent her knees and pressed them back toward her chest, opening her for him. He looked lustily at her exposed sex.

“Your pussy is red and swollen,” he said, licking his lips. “I like it that way.”

A new wave of desire flooded her, and Cami had to have him inside her. “Fuck me,” she whispered. “Please.”

The lust that flared in his eyes made every inch of her skin tingle. With his hands on her knees and his eyes on her aching pussy, Bradan leaned in to do as she’d pleaded. Cami reached between her legs and wrapped her fist around him to angle the tip to her wet opening.

The first touch made her groan with pleasure. “All of it. I want all of it.”

Bradan rocked his hips forward, plunging into her in one powerful stroke, and she cried out in pleasure. His thick cock stretched her, hurting in the most delicious way. Cami put her feet on his shoulders and moved her hips in rhythm with his.

It wasn’t gentle or slow; the fucking was hard and fast. The more he pumped into her, the better it felt. And the deeper his cock pierced, the more she wanted. “Harder,” she cried. “Harder.”

Bradan had his hands on the bed to hold his weight. Kneeling between her legs, he rocked into her. Cami kept her knees bent, letting him in, and giving him all. The look on his face was fierce. And his body turned to steel.

His jaw clenched and the pulse of his cock made her explode. Deep inside, her muscles tightened like iron around him, and Bradan released. When he came undone, Cami gave into her own orgasm; so powerful and sweet, it was like a drug.

The feeling was too much for either one of them, and there was no way to express it other than their cries that echoed in the tiny room. They looked into each other’s eyes as they peaked. What they shared in that instant was something only they would ever know.

It couldn’t be voiced, and what they had together was bigger than either of them was apart. Together, they were more. Bound as they were, Cami and Bradan were one, having given all they could in the potently sexy encounter. A bond was formed that couldn’t be broken, and as Bradan lowered onto the bed beside her, Cami was as aware of it as she’d ever been of anything.

He reached over and caressed her cheek. Cami grasped his wrist and kissed his palm. Then he rolled her on top of him, and she looked down at him. “I love you,” Bradan whispered, and his words held so much promise.

But Cami’s heart only ached, and she was unable to speak.

Chapter 29

Bradan’s eyes were soft. He put his hand in her hair and she pressed her cheek to his chest. There, resting together, they floated in the ecstasy of the moment, neither wanting to break the spell. He was warm beneath her, and she closed her eyes, feeling his strength surround her.

When they’d recovered sufficiently, they cleaned up and got dressed. But the whole “cooking dinner” plan had lost its allure. Bradan ordered out for pizza, ham and pineapple, and they ate it while they finished the wine. But Cami was tense, unwilling for the night to end. Knowing what was ahead wouldn’t be the same.

They listened to music and talked. But Cami couldn’t ignore that Bradan had confessed his feelings, just as he’d done once before. And she was wholly incapable of responding in kind. It was awkward, and hiding behind the sex-only idea was no longer possible.

His words “prove it” kept playing in her mind. Could she truly say he hadn’t touched her emotionally? Was it a physical relationship without feelings that ran deeper? If only she wasn’t locked in a shell from which she couldn’t escape.

But she was. Spending the night was Bradan’s suggestion, and she didn’t argue. It would be over soon. Cami wanted one last night, and was selfishly glad he’d decided to stay. They slept together in her narrow bed. She had her back to his chest and his strong arms were around her. If only they could just stay like that, and she didn’t have to face the next day and own up to a reality she wished wasn’t so.

They slept well, and deeply, waking at first light. Cami slipped out of bed to start the coffee. Once they were dressed, she served it up on the rooftop. The weather was chilly but the view was lovely. So with the patio heaters cranked up, and their coats on, they drank coffee and gawked at the beauty of Seattle.

Looking out at the skyline, Cami knew she had to tell him. Still she soaked in the peace of the morning, letting Bradan enjoy their time together just a little longer. Fluffy clouds dotted the sky, and the brisk weather prickled her skin.

She couldn’t pretend; she thought too much of Bradan to do that. It was best for him to know where he stood and not assume something that couldn’t be. If there had been anything in her power Cami could have done to make things different, she would have. She would have done it for Bradan.

Some things weren’t possible. The finality of that was depressing and blighted the joy of those quiet moments with Bradan. Fate wasn’t going to give her a break.

“I want to love you,” she said, “but I can’t.”

Bradan held his steaming mug in two hands, and didn’t seem shocked by her statement. He didn’t reply at first, and for a few moments she thought he wasn’t going to.

Then he took a deep breath and said, “You can’t? Or you won’t let yourself?”

“Is there any difference?”

Setting his cup on the table by his chair, Bradan turned to face her. “Yes, there is a difference.”

Cami didn’t reply.

“Are you telling me that after what we experienced together that you don’t feel anything?”

She didn’t know what to say, and stared down at her lap.

“Because I don’t believe you.” His eyes burned holes into the side of her face, and she turned to look at him. “You’ve done a lousy job, you know.”

She tilted her head. “Of what?”

He showed no emotion. “Proving that you don’t care. Convincing me that I don’t get to you. You’ve had more than one chance to do so, and you’ve failed miserably.”

Cami felt her cheeks heat. She was caught.

Bradan leaned closer. “Because I know how I feel about you. And I know what you feel, Cami, even if you won’t admit it. When I hold you in my arms, and when I’m buried deep inside you, there is no way to deny what’s between us.”

His accusation was scaring her. “I told you, Bradan. My heart is not whole anymore. And it can’t be glued back together, no matter what you feel during sex.” The statement came out harsher than she’d anticipated. But he needed to know. He needed to understand.

“Say it. Say you don’t love me. If you expect me to believe it, I need to hear it.” His blue eyes showed determination if nothing else.

Cami swallowed hard but couldn’t look away from him. “I don’t. I don’t love you, Bradan.”

Anger flared and his eyes turned dark. But he held back. “Look at you,” he said sharply. “You’re a mess.” He paused. “You think I don’t see what you are going through?”

“What do you see?” She said it timidly, afraid to hear the answer.

“I see a woman who has been hurt…and I understand that. I do.” Bradan stood and began to pace. “But we’ve all been hurt, Cami. It doesn’t explain why you are doing this.”

She shoved her hands in her pockets, the cold around her suddenly more intense. “Doing what? What is it that I’m doing, Bradan?” Cami lifted her chin in challenge.

He turned away to gaze out at the city as if to regain control of his emotions. When he turned back, his expression showed annoyance. “You are refusing to see what we have. You are rejecting how I feel about you.” He stood rigidly before her. “And I want to know why you are doing it.”

She shook her head. “You’re mistaken. It’s just how I feel. I can’t change it.”

Suddenly, he was right in front of her. Bradan reached down and lifted her up. He carried her over to the brick island and sat her next to the grill so she was eye level. “I’m not mistaken. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”

It wasn’t his physical strength that compelled her to listen. She didn’t perceive any threat, even for a moment. If anything, Cami felt safer than she ever had, which seemed contrary to the circumstances. It was his intention that riveted her to the brick and forced her to consider what he was saying.

In a soft voice, Bradan said, “Tell me, dammit. If you are determined to break us apart, at least tell me what this is about. I want the truth.”

There was no escaping him.

Agony gripped her, and Cami wished to be anywhere else than facing the man she cared so much about. The powerful feeling she had for him, all that she’d fought so hard to deny, threatened to break through. And it was terrifying.

“Start talking,” he said.

Cami knew he’d never look at her the same way again. She took a moment to gaze in his beautiful blue eyes and see the love there. It would have been better to end all this sooner. It would be over anyway once he knew. But she hadn’t done what she should have: send him away before things got this far.

Once he knew it was her fault, and how selfish she had been, Bradan would be disgusted with her. Dread washed over her, and Cami didn’t think she could take seeing his admiration of her vanish. As it surely would. And rightfully so. But that wouldn’t make it any easier to witness.

As soon as she told him it would all be over. There was no way to avoid it, and Cami steeled herself against what was to come. She delayed just one more second, not wanting to lose his affection, and balking at seeing the coldness that would replace it.

It would be no more than the coldness she felt towards herself.

“It was my fault.” She said it without preamble. The words hung in the air, needing explanation, but Cami was reluctant to do so. Still hoping beyond hope that she could keep Bradan.

But knowing she couldn’t, that he was lost to her, Cami went on. “Nat died because of me.” She should have cried at the telling of it. It would have made sense. But she felt dead inside. Tears wouldn’t come. Emotion wouldn’t surface. She was an empty shell.

Bradan said nothing.

“He was coming to see me that night. His dad had told him to stay home. The roads were dangerous from the snow and ice. But he called me and I whined that I didn’t want to be alone. I
begged
him to drive over. And he loved me, so he gave in.”

Bradan shifted from one foot to the other. “And that’s why you say it was your fault?”

Cami looked at him, and her heart could have been made of stone for all she felt. “That’s not all. On the way over, he called again. We talked while he drove. I missed him. I was selfish. I told him to go faster.”

The only sound was the muted sound of the fans in the heater. It all seemed unreal. Bradan. Life. And especially what had happened to Nat.

“
I did it
, Bradan. If it weren’t for me, Nat would be alive today. I was heartless. I never thought of him, only what I wanted. ‘Come see me,’ I said, and he did. ‘Drive faster,’ I said, and because he loved me, Nat did what I asked. He wanted to please me. He didn’t want to see me suffer.” She swallowed, trying to hold back the grief. “But I
have
suffered every
hour
, every
day
since he died.” She looked at Bradan. “I killed him.”

Cami expected to see hate, and waited for Bradan to walk away. He needed to get as far away from her as possible. He should. She was selfish, always selfish. Just like she’d let him take her to bed. Because of what
she
wanted.

That’s how she was. And she was so sorry. Cami realized she was crying. Warm tears rolled down her cheeks. She’d finally confessed, and regretted that it had been Bradan who had to hear it.

“I never told anyone,” she said. “Not my parents. Not even the psychiatrist they took me to. I couldn’t.” She shook, but not from the cold. “I tried to. So many times, I tried to say something. I knew it would be the right thing to do…admit what I’d done. But the words wouldn’t come out.”

Bradan put his arms around her and held her close. He said nothing, and it took her a minute to realize he wasn’t leaving. He was holding her. With sadness in her heart for the tragedy she’d caused, Cami felt something else pushing it out.

Her heart filled with new love. Love she’d had for Bradan but had been unable to allow herself to feel. Until then. She felt it there on the terrace as he wrapped her in his warm embrace. Surely she didn’t deserve it, but she wanted it. More than anything.

Holding the guilt inside had been killing her. Finally, she’d confessed. She’d told Bradan, and he hadn’t stopped loving her. Cami couldn’t believe her fortune. Or the strength of the bond between them.

She leaned back and Bradan smiled at her. Seeing the look in his eyes made her heart soar. Nothing was blocking the intensity of the feeling. His love was hers, and there was no barrier to basking in it.

“I do love you, Bradan,” she said. “I loved you from that first night I dumped food all over you.”

He laughed. “That’s always a sign of love.”

She smiled and, for the first time, felt good when she did. She liked the sound of her words and repeated, “I love you,” watching his blue eyes shine. That was something she would never tire of seeing.

He kissed her softly. “You’re going to be okay, baby. I promise.” He brushed her hair back. “I love you so much it feels like my heart will burst.”

Tears welled in her eyes and she brushed them away. “Bradan,” she said, and he kissed her again, deeper this time. Lost in him, Cami felt safe and protected. And loved. Best of all, love for Bradan swelled inside her. She could feel the power of it. The magic of it.

Chapter 30