Personal Experiences (7 page)

Having come to rest in front of a large oak tree on the side of the house where the front flood lights had seemed to neglect, I slid down to sit. I crossed my arms over my knees and rested my forehead on top.

"Elle, what happened in there?"

Raising my head and watching for a moment, the scrutinizing look on his face, I considered lying but inherently the truth came out.

"TJ, sometimes do you ever feel like we need this break?"

Shaken, he got to his feet and defensively bowed up his back as if putting himself in self-dense mode.

"What the fuck are you trying to say, Elleny?"

"Baby, sit down, we're just talking" I tried to appease him.

"No… I wanna know right now, what the fuck is behind this?"

I took another deep cleansing breath to clear my head and began "I love you, TJ…so much, there is no way in the capacity of your brain could you even begin to comprehend how much."

He took a step closer to me, I heard him take a breath to either calm his self or to show me he was taking in what I had just admitted to. He knelt down so that he could look in my eyes.

"Babe, are you with me?"

"What?"

"Are you with me?"

"Didn't you just hear what I said to you?"

"Yeah, I did, now are…you… with… me?"

I knew what he was looking for, striving for. He needed my reassurance. Even though I just told him that he was my whole complete world. My day, my night. My heart, my soul. He was mine, he still needed to hear those four-little-words.

"Anchored to you, baby" I muttered through watery eyes and a throat that didn't want to work, instead wanted to whine like a new born baby. I grabbed a hold of the top of his shirt and pulled him down until we were mouth to mouth.

That's when he said it, the words that tore my world apart.

"Can't go a day without breathing and since you're my breath."

He didn't get another word out, since I slammed my mouth down on his lips.

I opened my mouth to give him the access he was craving. This wasn't just any ordinary kiss, it was strange. He acted like he couldn't get close enough to me, couldn't get deep enough. I kept trying to follow his lead and bring him in closer. Turning my head to the side didn't work. I briskly turned my head to the other side, that didn't work. At this point he pulled away.

"Wha… wha… what are you doing?" I asked winded.

"Take your clothes off now, lay them on the ground."

"What? TJ are you crazy, it must be fifty degrees out here. We will catch cold."

"Do It!" He demanded at the top of his lungs. I knew something wasn't right when I looked at him and noticed his veins were bulging on the side of his temple and his jaw was clutching and releasing quickly. He was acting like he was a drug addict and right in front of him laid his drug of choice and he couldn't get to it fast enough.

"Baby…what's wrong?" I whimpered.

That's when he came right up in my face, his eyes never left mine. He began to unbutton my blouse. Hands shaking, I didn't think he was going to be able to undo many more of them.

Not caring, my clothes went flying. All I knew was that he had to have me, why he was acting like this, I had no clue.

"Hurry Elle, oh my god baby, I'm aching for you, honey…make this pain go away." By this time I'm crying and can't figure out for the life of me what is happening and why he is acting like this.

"Baby, I'm hurrying…Jesus Christ …what the fuck is it, Trevor". I laid down on top of my clothes completely naked. He wasn't even undressing. He grabbed my knees with his hands and gently opened my legs. His eyes never leaving mine, I could tell he was trying to maintain control but he was having a fuck of a time. He was losing it and it was killing me. Sobbing, tears mixed with mascara ran down my face, but he slowly wiped my cheeks.

"This right here, baby…this is what connects us together. This right here, is how I can get you as close to me as I need you to be."

He began running his fingers between my legs. I laid my head back, still sobbing, gasping for breath, I closed my eyes and just listened to every word he had to say. The cold breeze was blowing against my naked body but I didn't feel a thing but the heat between him and me.

As he plunged his fingers deep into me he slurred "This right here is what anchors me to you, this is what will anchor me to you for the rest of my life."

He gradually bent down and put his head between my legs and kissed tender, wet kisses on the inside of my thighs.

"This pussy right here, is something that no one will ever know but me, it'n that right, baby?"

Bawling, it took all the strength I had to mumble through the sobbing and blubbering "yeah baby, it's all yours."

I felt myself getting close as he brought my clit in between his front teeth. I started breathing faster and began moving against him wildly while he penetrated me with his tongue, he began moaning and slurping against me. Hearing the heady moans coming from my mouth and feeling his hair in my fingers, I pushed him harder against me to encourage him not to stop as I heard myself gasp.

"TJ, I'm coming." I whispered so soft I wasn't even sure he could hear me.

"Give it to me Elle, it belongs to me baby, let me have it."

That just made him go faster until I felt the first wave hit me like a ton of bricks. Then another wave and then another. Trying to catch my breath I felt him taking slow long draws, lapping and sucking like a starving man who was receiving his first and last meal.

TJ dropped down beside me on the ground and threw his arm on top of his head and stared at the sky above us.

I started grabbing for my clothes, when I heard him say "what you're feeling, what you just admitted to me, about loving me so much I wouldn't understand it? That is what I feel but so much more intense, Elle and for the life of me, I feel like I'm just hanging onto you by a thread and you're gonna cut me loose at any moment and then I won't know how to go on."

I froze and dropped my clothes because I began to feel the waves of nausea and panic rise again in my stomach. Not because of what just happened, but because he was in agony, physically and emotionally. I could see a tiny amount of water run down his cheek, while he just stared up into a sky that not only was cloudless but starless as well. He had nothing to worry about when it came to other men, for me there was no one other than him.

What bothered him, and he wouldn't admit it, but I could hear it in his voice, I could feel it in his touch. He wouldn't know how to get on with his life. He wanted a life where there was a well-defined line between me and him and him and the world. That feeling wasn't exactly foreign to me, since that was what I was feeling as well.

I knew he wanted to go to school. I knew he wanted to play ball; this was what he was good at. I knew he wanted to get a degree in business and work investing money; this was what he was even better at. He didn't think he could live that life without me. We were totally suffocating each other. With what we thought was such a beautiful romance, that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and grow old as one happy couple, we were metaphorically killing each other because we couldn't stand to be away from each other…no, we couldn't live without each other.

"Can't go a day without breathing and since you're my breath."

Something had to change. But what? Because he knew, I wasn't going to cross that line and he just proved to me that he wasn't willing to cross that line either. I had to come up with something.

Little did I know that our answer was with us all along, but at this point in time I had to pass the fuck out and sober up.

So that's exactly what I ended up doing…in TJs auntie's bed after I threw up…and threw up again.

"Wake the fuck up ya, muddah fuckahs!" Bear screamed through a mouth full of only god knew what. Hearing his voice mixed with the squishing of the food he was feasting on made me want to sit front row to a concert that was being thrown in the porcelain god concert hall. Thanks to the alcohol intake of the night before, hearing him scream throughout the bedroom made my head throb which in turn made my stomach even queasier.

"Oh my God! Who is the one who will be taking an ass whooping for letting me drink so much." I gritted out through teeth that refused to stop clenching because if they do all hell was going to come up and my teeth were happy with not re-tasting "what shall not be named."

"hmmmmm" I heard TJ groan next to me.

Rachel joined in on the conversation like someone had called a meeting in the bedroom. "And who gave ya'll fucktards permission to sleep in my momma's bed?" Swinging her neck from side to side and snapping her fingers, she continued on with her little tirade "ya betta not have gotten shit on those sheets cuz I'd really have to whoop yo' ass. Plus, I don't feel like doin sheets and the maid don't come in til Monday."

Suddenly, no matter how hard I clenched my teeth, my stomach decided to make the decision for me to unclench them. Running to the bathroom, I noticed TJ sat up quickly in bed. I made it to the toilet before all hell broke loose. How could I possibly still have had food in there after throwing up as much as I did in the middle of the night and then this morning, I think to myself.

I stopped heaving for a moment and reached over and slammed the door shut and took a breath. I laid the tip of my forehead on the toilet seat and prayed nothing else came up. Too late, round two began. Ten minutes later I began round four. This continued for an hour. Finally, a reprieve. I washed my hands and swished mouthwash in my mouth and headed for the kitchen.

As I walked out in the kitchen, all heads jerked my way. Everyone looked like zombies. Faces were pale, eyelids rimmed with red and it looked like they were moving in slow motion.

I grumbled, "Mornin' ya'll…Babe, can you take me home, I'm still not feeling well."

"Sure, just let me get my things." TJ mumbled back, I think he was still drunk.

"Rach…Lils, call me later, love ya Curt … Bear."

"K babe…bye, Elle" I heard from Rach and Lilly.

"Love you Elle, feel better" Curt said.

"Bitch" Bear groaned.

This was his normal greeting or farewell. If he didn't call you a Bitch or a Mother-fucker, you weren't a friend of his.

I slept the whole way home. Hearing the truck door slammed, I figured we were home. I heard the passenger door open and I felt TJ grab me up in his arms. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. My step mom, Mona of course opened the door.

My momma passed away when I was four. She was in a car accident and my daddy had never been the same, because the love my momma and daddy shared would never be replaced; she got to go and forget him, he didn't get that option. When my momma died, half of daddy died too. The other half belonged to me. He was the other love of my life. My daddy, Maxwell Winston Harper III was a doctor and he loved what he did. He was the town's general practitioner. He had seen everything from small items lodged in kid's nostrils to delivering babies. He had never practiced anywhere else.

When I was ten, daddy thought I needed a female figure in my life, this is where Mona came in, but Mona isn't a female figure, she's nothing but white fuckin' trashed dressed up in my daddy's money.

"Mornin' Trevor, I see my golden child was up to her old ways." Mona knew me well because this was a summer routine for me, but they didn't worry too much because they knew that TJ McHale was a gentleman. He would never do anything that would bring shame to the Harper name. My family was "sixth generation Richland Harper's. This meant that we "Harpa's" had a reputation to uphold. Mona was a trophy wife who hung out at the golf course, ate red meat and drank red wine. Of course she was sensible about it. She only got drunk behind closed doors. She'd try to pick fights with daddy about why he didn't want to be around her anymore and that she was lonely. She'd even give him ultimatums and he would remind her drunk ass that she's the one who signed the pre-nup and that if she decided to "go out and get it somewhere else" she wouldn't get a cent. So she'd shut her white trash mouth, grab another bottle of wine and drink until she passed out. In public, they were the perfect Georgian husband and wife. That's because they were Harper's. No one looked down on a Harper.

My step-momma's hatred for me was so bad she reeked of it. Jealousy oozed out of every pore on her body. If my daddy wasn't at work, he was with me and that chapped her ass. She was waiting for the day when I wouldn't be around; leaving for college meant she would have my dad all to herself. But what she didn't realize was that he still wasn't planning on wasting his time with her. No one was gonna pull the wool over Maxwell Winston Harper III's eyes. He didn't love her, she was nothing to him other than a companion to lay beside in bed.

TJ carried me to the bottom of the stairs that led up to my bedroom where my father waited, taking one look at me he quickly became concerned.

"Trevor" My daddy greeted with a nod of his head

"Mr. Harper" TJ nodded back.

With his left eyebrow raised he inquired "Elle, you feelin ok?"

"I'm fine daddy, I just think I have a stomach flu on top of… well…I think I might have had one too many cocktails last night."

Knowing I was underage, daddy pretended not to hear the last part, but yet, I didn't lie just so if anything would happen, he would know what he was dealing with. I was never one to experiment with drugs, they always scared me. Growing up with a doctor in the house I had heard stories and that was all I needed to know about that subject, besides I had a strong head on my shoulders and knew what I wanted in life and wasn't stupid enough to risk any of it. I also was never one who gave into peer-pressure. I had to have some type of control when it came to situations and if I couldn't, I didn't participate or partake. My daddy knew this and trusted me to make the right decisions. He knew my friends and their families as well. He knew kids were gonna be kids and have a good time but he also appreciated that we knew when to stop having a good time.

"Sweetie, why don't you go and lay down and I will have Clara make you some chicken soup, something lite on your stomach."