Personal Experiences (11 page)

I pulled up to the house, took a deep breath and pushed the garage opener. I waited a minute; no Bear, so I pulled in. We all got out and headed into the house. We walked slowly into the kitchen and looked around as if looking for a burglar…no Bear. I helped the kids get in and situated. I carried the cans of soda up to Lucs' room and got blankets and pillows for the girls and kissed them all good night I wanted to show that it was just a normal night and everything was going to be ok…I hoped. I told them I loved them and headed out of the door. I reminded them to lock the door behind me.

I slowly walked to my bedroom so that I could hear the turning of the lock on Luc's door and quietly opened the door. I was praying that he just passed out and I was safe tonight. I stuck my head in and saw all the lights turned out, thinking I was in the clear I walked in, shut the door and locked it. That's when I heard his voice.

"Where you been?"

I closed my eyes. Hearing him slur those three words, I knew he was trashed. I couldn't see him yet, my eyes still hadn't adjusted to coming in from out of the light, but his voice sounded like he was sitting over in the corner where my makeup counter was.

"Luc had football practice…remember? You were supposed to meet me there. Coach Kenny wondered where you were so I told him you had to work late."

"Tried to call ya. Why the fuck do I pay for you to have a phone if ya don't answer the mother fucker?"

"I'm sorry Bear, I didn't hear it. I was helping Trisha Shepard stock the snack bar for the game on Friday night."

Well, first off he doesn't pay for the fucking phone… I pay the bill. As a matter of fact, I pay all the fucking bills, but I wasn't going to argue this point with him right now seeing as he could barely talk.

"Well, aren't you queen of all the right fucking answers tonight? Hmmmmm, doesn't take much for you to think of a lie to tell Kenny, who's to say you aint lying to me right now."

Walking closer to his voice, I began to view a silhouette crouched in the corner of the bedroom "Bear, your drunk Honey, I'm tired, I had a shit day today, I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. I have to be at the office early."

I heard that menacing laugh getting closer to me, I stopped walking and began to back away in the opposite direction, my mind going a hundred miles a minute.

"You've had a shit day huh…well, well…Queen Bitch didn't get everything handed to her on a silver platter, huh?"

Reciting mentally over and over that I was not going to argue with him, I started walking over to the lamp beside my bed.

"Don't you dare touch that fuckin lamp."

"Bear, I have to see where my nightgown is."

"Turn around" he said in his stern voice. I knew that voice, that scary, I'd-better-do-what-he-said voice.

Quickly, I turned around so that my back was to him. I felt him come up behind me; slowly he ran his hands down the front of my blouse. Closing my eyes, I couldn't stand the feel of his hands on my body because I could smell the booze and nasty perfume on him. I had to tell myself not to think about it. I pictured TJ's hands rubbing all over me. With my hair still up from work today, he started sniffing and breathing hard against the back of my neck. All the sudden he pushed the back of my head forward; with vigor, moved away from me and screamed;

"FUCK!!!!! YOU SMELL NOTHING LIKE HER!!! WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME LIKE HER!!!"

Feeling disgusted, I didn't say a word. I felt around for the bottom of the bed. I worked myself around to my side and felt the soft thin silky material of my night-gown. Blindly, I walked to the bathroom. I reached my hand out as I felt myself getting close, and sensed the wall. I reached around and touched the switch; I flipped the light on and made the mistake of looking back at him.

He looked like shit! His eyes were blood shot and the rims were blood red. His shirt was all the way unbuttoned and blood stained it. He also had thin lines of blood on the side of his mouth. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks.

He'd been crying…oh shit.

All the sudden he was on top of me.

"I told you bitch, leave the light off!"

He quickly grabbed the top of my head and buried his fingers in my hair. Still pulled back tight in the bun, he was trying to pull my hair out. I reached back attempting to undo the bun so that it didn't pull as bad. I tried my damnedest not to scream loud but a yelp left my mouth; since I was caught off guard. I got my hair out of the bun, as he grabbed a handful of hair and dragged me to the bed. I tried to apologize to him and explain I just wanted to get changed but it did me no good.

As he stalked to the bed he started talking.

"Oh, so you wanted to get undressed huh? queen cunt-bag wanted to be a tease and walk ‘round here in front ‘a me without clothes on huh?" As he's saying this, he reached the bed, threw me down on it, face first and leaned his knee in my back to hold me down. He reached in THE drawer.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!!!

Oh God…I started to panic. All the sudden I felt him straddling me. He stretched out my right arm to touch the headboard. I felt the leather strap being wrapped around my wrist right where I have tattoos on both wrists; usually they're pretty good at hiding the marks. I learned real quick, not to pull against him, all that did was make the bruises worse and the strap dig in my skin deeper, so I relaxed as much as I could and let my arm go with him. He does the other arm. I'm begging with everything that is in me; which every time he does this I swear, I won't do because he gets off on it but I end up doing it anyway.

Now that he had me backwards with my arms restrained, he had total control over me; I couldn't protect myself at all.

"Queen Bitch done thinks she's gonna walk round here naked like her pussy's made of pure gold. Well, let me tell you; that pussy right there, aint worth the shit I done put up with for seventeen years! I missed out on so much cuz of your slut ass. The parties, the women" Quietly he whispers, "Angie". Angie…Angie? Who the fuck is Angie? "You gettin' pregnant by that motherfucker and letting him go off to school while I raise them bastard kids. I should ‘a never offered you that arrangement. So, I think you owe me for seventeen worthless years and I will be collectin on that debt right now!"

Before I could figure out his next move, I heard the ripping of clothes and then a tugging feeling hit me; he was ripping my clothes off… I closed my eyes and went to my place.

It was strange, subconsciously I was with TJ, but yet I could hear Bear mumbling something about how he always knew I liked it rough. What I saw, clear as day was TJ and I wrapped up in black sheets. His bedroom…his bed. Lying naked, facing each other and not saying a word just staring at each other; contentment washed over me. Once and a while, I sensed the feeling of his hand pushing back the piece of hair that continually fell in my face. I closed my eyes; taking in all the peace that surrounded me.

"Baby, look at me."

I opened my eyes and stared into those eyes that could see my soul.

"Stay with me Darlin…don't leave me…not yet."

"Never, TJ… I will stay here with you… forever."

"Baby, you can't stay forever, just a little while longer…hold on honey, it's almost over."

I couldn't feel any more pain. I wasn't feeling myself being pushed and tugged. My head didn't hurt anymore from having my hair pulled. My stomach wasn't aching from the punches to the ribs, and my face didn't feel like it was on fire from the jabs Bear was landing. It was like I wasn't even in my body. I loved where I was because I was with TJ; wrapped up in his arms. Safe and secure, no one could hurt me here. No one could take my babies from me; they were safe and I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. It's peaceful and serene and all because of being wrapped in his arms.

"Time for you to go, Darlin.'"

All the sudden, I was ripped out of serenity by hearing a high-pitched scream. I peeked through eyes that didn't want to open to see Rachel and Lilly standing over my bed looking at me with pure fear and pain all over their faces. Feeling my hands were still tied to the bed, I wasn't sure what to do, and I was naked. Rachel's hands were attempting to touch me…anywhere, but she acted like she couldn't find a safe spot to make contact with. Lilly was searching for a clean blanket to throw over me, bawling. Both their mouths were wide open and the only words I heard out of Rachel's was;

"Jesus Christ, Elle what the fuck did he do to you baby, there's so much blood!"

Chapter Five

August 1992

Being stuck in this hospital had been horrible. I was able to get out of bed and walk down the halls, anytime I wanted to as long as I had someone to walk with me, so found myself walking two or three times a day. It was looking like I would be able to leave tomorrow. Everything was staying down and my vitals were looking up.

Walking back down the corridor to my suite I started thinking how I was ready to go home so that I could work on starting my new life. Now that school was out of the question, I knew that I wasn't going to stay in Richland but I didn't know where I was going to go. Maybe New York? California?

Speaking of school, I had to tell Rachel now I wasn't going, what was I going to tell her? Coming up to my doorway I could hear voices coming from my room. Turning the corner I saw Rachel and Bear sitting in front of my bed.

"Hey sweetie" Rachel smiled as she greeted me with her reoccurring southern greeting.

"Hey Rach…Bear."

"Hey."

I slowly made it to my bed and decided not to take off my housecoat at this very moment seeing as how Bear was here and that would not be very lady like to go around just in a night-gown. I crawled back in bed and exhaled loudly.

"How ya feeling sweetie?

"Better, they're pumping me full of all kinds of shit, so…"

As the nurse walks in, she doesn't say a word just goes straight to my IV bag. All three of us go silent. Rachel and Bear watch as she injects something into my IV.

"What's that?" Rachel asks the air.

"Oh, this is Ms. Barker's prenatal vitamin. Since she can't handle the tablet…yet she gets it through her IV…gotta make sure that baby gets its nutrients."

My eyes get big and slowly turned back to Rachel and Bear to notice their eyes are as big as mine and their mouths are dropped open. Too bad there weren't any flies around; that would've made my day.

No one said a word until we saw the nurse leave the room.

"What the-" Rachel started.

"You can't say a word… to anyone… not even Lilly. TJ doesn't know and he's not gonna find out… Swear it Rachel, swear it on our friendship right this very minute. This doesn't leave the three of us. I've come to the decision…I'm keeping it. I'm not going to school and I'm not staying in Richland."

Not a word was said for a minute or two; finally, I broke the silence.

"Well…you gonna say anything?"

Rachel and I had been friends since we were two years old. We knew each other better then we knew ourselves and she understood how I felt about TJ and she realized the reasoning behind my decision. She knew I only wanted what was best for him.

"I understand; and I swear it to you… on our friendship, this doesn't leave this room."

"Bear, swear it. TJ cannot find out about this."

Bear sat there for a few minutes, his eyes were staring off into space behind me.

"What if I could do one better then promising not to tell him. What if we made a deal, just the two of us. I don't say anything to him about this, he goes to school, gets his degree and then gets picked up by the NFL and lives happily ever after; If…"

He stopped talking for a second, looked at Rachel then looked back at me. I sat up, looked at Rachel then looked back at him."

"If what, Bear."

"You marry me and let me raise that baby as my own. My last name and other then the three of us, no one else knows any different."

I looked at Rachel and busted out laughing. Rachel looked at me and smiled a small demure smile but that was it; there was no giggling.

I looked back at Bear sitting there; not even smiling.

"You're serious."

"Dead."

"Rachel, what do you have to say about this?"

"Well, we have been discussing this for a while, I didn't want to go away to school with us as a couple so we agreed that we wouldn't be a couple anymore."

Caught off guard with this information I asked "When the fuck did ya'll decide this?"

Like it was just casual conversation Rachel replied; "we've been talking about it for the last month."

"Bear, do you have anything to add to this?"

"Nope, sure don't."

Well…ok then.

"So, you wouldn't have a problem with this, Rach?"

"Fuck no, I'm going to college!" she said with a smile that went from ear to ear.

She knew that Bear would never leave this town because he really didn't have the ambition to go anywhere else. He had no college degree; no plans on getting a college degree, no technical training, he had experience welding and working on cars but he wasn't going to get through life doing much more than that and Rachel…well, Rachel was Rachel. She was the only daughter of a millionaire and an eighth generation "Richland Locke" which said more than me being a sixth generation Barker. She was not going to be tied down to a poe-dunk town like Richland with a husband that worked on cars. Truth be told I think they both knew that.

"If we do this, you both are going to have to work with me when it comes to TJ. I'm not gonna want to see him until after the wedding and enough time goes by that it seems that I got pregnant; after the wedding."

"Well, there is one condition that you need ta'know before you say yes; so you'll know exactly what you're gettin into."

I became hyper aware of the conversation now. Stipulations…Seriously? Oh, this I've gotta hear. "Ok Bear, go on."

"If we decide to do this, when we get married you have nothing, and I mean nothing with Trevor McHale again. No phone calls, no visitation…nothing; EVER again. I don't want him to have a chance to see the kid and have him try and figure out what we did. That's my child and it will always be my kid."