Personal Experiences (34 page)

"Hey Lydia, can we get some pain meds for the new momma."

"Sure Doctor, I will get her something. Can she sit up and maybe drink some fluids?"

I heard my dad chuckle and I knew that chuckle, I was going to be sitting up and drinking fluids here within the next ten minutes or so.

"She'll be cooperating here momentarily."

Yep, I knew it.

"My babies, can I see my babies?"

My daddy looked at me and said "let's talk when Lydia leaves."

I saw her walk out the door and I began to panic.

"What's the matter dad, what's wrong with the babies?"

"Oh nothing's wrong, they're good."

I let out my breath that I was holding.

"They just have to watch them for a couple of hours to make sure they're breathing regulates, they seemed to be having a little difficulty with that, the pediatrician says that's completely normal with premature babies."

I took another breath and let it out again. I didn't think I could take much more of this. They weren't even a day old and I was already worrying like they were starting their first day of school.

"I wanna see my babies, daddy."

He looked at me and said "you sit up and drink some fluids and I'll see what I can do."

Yep, I was going to be cooperating momentarily.

It took me a minute to get my feet on the floor but I was set on seeing my babies.

I grabbed a hold of my dad's arm and put on my weight on him and smiled big when I realized I was standing. Mission accomplished! Now to take a step, to me this wasn't just a step; it was a leap I had to tell my foot pick up, move out, set down, BAM!!! Took a step. Then I did it again with the other foot. I was on a roll. We slowly made it down to the NICU and rang the bell that was on the beside the door. The nurse saw my dad and smiled. I saw the door open and a nice older woman greeted us with a warm smile.

"Are you here to take your pick?" She joked.

"Yep, we only take the cutest of them all" My dad replied as he winked at her.

We followed her through rows and rows of isolets and baby warmers, some open with stuffed animals and blankets in them and some were closed. Some incubators had holes in the sides of them where you could stick your hands through and have minimal contact with the baby others were completely closed and the only opening was a tiny hole to allow tubing and lines for monitors through.

We continued walking until we came to a larger open warmer where two babies were lying beside each other. One was wearing a tiny blue knit beany cap; the other was wearing a pink one. They both were naked other than their diapers and those looked so small but yet they were swallowing them up. They were lying so still, sleeping. I could see the sticky pads that were affixed to their tiny protruding bellies. Attached were the lines of wires that connected them to their individual monitors. once every couple seconds I'd see an arm or a leg jump involuntarily. They were so beautiful, they were angels sent to me straight from the God's cradled arms. I couldn't see them anymore from my eyes clouding over with tears.

I couldn't even fathom the emotions I was feeling. I had just laid eyes upon both of these babies yet I was so deep in love with them I felt possessed. My life had died the moment they were pulled out of me and now my life was theirs. There wasn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for them. It was almost terrifying that I could feel this deep for someone or some ones other than TJ, but I did and that was not going to change.

I continued to just stand there, staring at them in disbelief that these little clones of TJ were real when the nurse's request made my head flash up at her.

"Would you like to hold them?"

"Oh god, I can hold them? They look like they'll break" I nervously asked.

"Why of course you can hold them, you're their momma, you've been their home for nearly a year wouldn't you feel comfortable being close to that?"

Well, she kinda had a point.

She led me to a large rocking chair where I sank very slowly unto the thin padding that covered the wood seat. I saw her lift the little girl out of the warmer while saying "it's always ladies first" I smiled at her and cradled my arm where she place my daughter. I wanted to cry but I didn't think I could anymore. I just stared at her. I unconsciously brought her head up to my lips and smelled her skin while I place a soft tender kiss upon her brow. She squirmed for a moment and then settled back in my arm. I began to talk to her.

"Hello my sweet angel, I'm your momma. I've been waiting for you for such a long time. You are cherished already by so many, you have no idea what you have walked into."

My dad silently laughed as the nurse went to go bring me my son. She reached in and he bowed his back as if it was his first stretch.

"That's it young man, stretch those legs" she commented to him.

She laid my little man in the other crook of my arm and I gently held him close to my breast. I pulled him up to my mouth as well and laid a kiss upon his brow as I smelled his baby smell exude from his newly made pores.

"My sweet lil man, how I have prayed that you will thrive to become the man that is your father, beside your daddy, you are the only other man who holds my heart."

I totally understood where my daddy was coming from when he told me my mom had half his heart and I owned the other half. I didn't think it was possible to have two babies and love them both with the same amount of never-ending always overflowing love. I didn't want to let them go; ever.

I sat there for hours, just holding them. The nurse asked me if I wanted to feed them, I answered yes. I wanted to attempt breast feeding but I wasn't sure how I would do. Now that they were born it all seemed so visceral. I just knew how to do it and when. The nurse took my son back to the warmer while I pulled the side of my gown down to lay in my lap. I gathered my daughter in my arm and pulled her to my breast. She attached herself instinctively. I warmed her body with my heat and just sat in awe at the intimate moment I was sharing with my daughter. I sat and spoke to her and soothed her, even though she couldn't understand, I knew I was communicating with her.

I did the same with my son and relished every second I had him in my arms. He was his father's son. He laid still against my breast as I stroked his skin and lulled him while he drew in the nutrients that only my body was capable of giving him.

I noticed that the change of nurses was happening and that I was exhausted so I asked my dad to help me back to my room. I thanked the nurses and hugged the nurse who had given me the opportunity to have this once in a lifetime experience with my children.

I walked back to my room just as I walked down to the NICU sat back down on the corner of my bed, pulled my legs up on the bed and closed my eyes.

I woke to the sound of crying babies I opened my eyes and barely saw a woman standing in front of me since the muted light above my bed was on. "I've got two hungry babies here, Mrs. Jackson. Are you wanting to feed your babies?" My eyes open wide and I make myself wake up. "Yes please." I yawned. I slowly raised my body up to a sitting position while I wait for the bed to catch up with my movements.

She handed me my little girl and I opened my gown and put her up to me. This time she began sucking harder, she was starving. "When do you think they will be able to come stay with me in my room?" I asked in a hopeful tone. "The pediatrician will be in in the morning to check them out and then come in to talk to you." As she's talking. I'm noticing my belly is cramping. I winced. "Are you still in a lot of pain?" I shake my head "No, it's more like a harsh cramp." She reassured me that that was normal and I was welcome to something to help with the pain, since I was nursing I decided to just say no.

I finished with my little girl and handed her back to the nurse. She instantly fell asleep. She handed me my son and he proceeded to follow in line with his sister.

"Do you have names for your babies? The woman who is in charge of sending off for their birth certificates will be in tomorrow and it would be good if you had names picked out."

Holy shit, I hadn't even thought about that. I had an idea of what I was looking for but I didn't have anything definite.

"I have… ideas, but I guess I'll need to come up with something then. For the little girl, I was thinking Tatum and for the little boy I was thinking Dylan."

"Those are beautiful names Mrs. Jackson. I think they both fit."

"Please, call me Elle. Mrs. Jackson is a name that doesn't fit me."

She shook her head in acknowledgement and took the baby out of my arms and placed him back in the walking crib.

I laid my bed back down and turned gently to my side and just thought. My eyes soon became heavy and I was on my way back to sleep.

"Wakey, Wakey, Babe." I opened my eyes and TJ was sitting in the chair next to my bed holding my hand. "They look exactly like their momma, they take my breath away." I smiled at him. "What are their names?" I looked at him and told him the names I had picked for our children. "I wanted to name our son the name you picked out our senior year of high school, Dylan Lucas. For our daughter I was thinking Tatum Jordan". He looked at me with a grim look on his face. "Honey, she doesn't look like a Tatum, but she does resemble a Jordan" I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. "I've got it!" I announced her name to him and he smiled at me, that beautiful smile and kissed me goodnight.

I awoke with a knock on the door. A very petite older woman stuck her head in "Good Morning, Mrs. Jackson?" I sat up straight, the babies were brought to me early this morning and I was still holding my little girl in my arms while my son laid in his walking crib sleeping with a full tummy.

"Elle, please; call me Elle."

"Very well, Elle. My name is Betty, I'm from the vital statistics department here in the hospital; I'm here to fill out the forms for your babies' birth certificates."

I smiled at her; "Great, I'm ready."

We started with my son, she asked me several questions, my name, my physical address, my mom's maiden name, my maiden name, the baby's father's name. I hesitated for a moment and told her I didn't want it listed. She nodded once and continued on. She finally got down to the baby's name and I replied his name. "Dylan Lucas Jackson." She smiled and complimented me on such a handsome name I had picked. I didn't tell her that his daddy came to me last night in a dream and helped me decide permanently on their names. They'd never let me leave this hospital.

We finished with Lucas' information and went on to my daughter's info. She repeated the same questions, I answered the same answers. She got down to the baby's father's name and I repeated the same answer I gave her on Lucas. She got down to her name and I announced her name for the first time out loud. "Jordan Taylor Jackson." I wanted something that pertained to TJ but she just didn't seem like a Tatum so I reversed the initials and we; me and dream-state TJ; yeah, I know I've lost my mind, I blame the hormones… still were ecstatic with it.

We finished up the interview and then the pediatrician came in. We discussed the health of the babies. He was pleased as pie they were eating so well and that they had taken to nursing so quickly. He wanted to keep the babies in the NICU one more night just to make sure and since I was leaving in two days that would give me a little more time to rest since, when I went home, I'd basically be on my own. He asked me if I had any questions for him, I shook my head and thanked him for coming in to speak with me. He was gone for about ten minutes when doctor Leonard came in to check on my rehabilitation. She pushed on my belly, looked at my chart we talked about the babies, again. She asked me if I had any questions for her, I shook my head, thanked her and she left.

I was ready for a nap. I laid down and closed my eyes.

I heard my dad's voice silently prohibiting whoever was on the other end of the line access to me and my babies.

"You will not come up here and if you do I will have you removed." Silence from my dad for long moments then I could hear him take a breath to start up again. "She had to have emergency surgery to get to the babies, all three of them could've died and where were you? Mona was the one standing next to her holding her hand while the surgeon cut into her to bring those babies into this world."

Bear.

I could hear the frustration and anger in my dad's voice. He never once addressed Bear as their daddy. He would say "The" or "her" . "Yours" didn't see the tips of his lips and I knew that was infuriating to Bear.

He knew deep down inside, that these babies weren't his biologically and with the hatred that he felt towards TJ, he believed that he had something that TJ would never have; these kids. In his mind he finally one-up'ed TJ and for my daddy never to verbally acknowledge that chapped Bear's ass.

I heard his voice change as he cupped his mouth around the phone's receiver and I heard him tell Bear "If you come up here, Willie Jackson, as God as my witness you won't ever see my daughter or her babies again." He put the phone back down on the desk to hang it up and sat back down beside me. I turned over to look at him and tucked my hands up under my head.

"Sorry honey, didn't mean to wake you."

I partially winced and asked "Bear?"

He shook his head and closed his eyes. I knew that Bear's abusive manner was a slap in my dad's face. He didn't raise his daughter to be treated this way, but Bear had something over my head that I didn't want TJ to find out about, I really didn't have a choice. I either put up with it or else TJ's life was ruined. Daddy knew this was my reasoning. He knew I'd stay and continue to put up with it til one of us was buried in the ground. There was nothing Bear could do to me that would make me disturb the life that TJ was leading.

I made it through the two days that I had left in the hospital and it was a grueling two days. I was bored, hungry and tired of either being woken up for my breasts or for vitals. I knew once I got home, Mona would be there to help me whenever I needed it. She didn't have any babies, but that didn't mean her mothering instinct was absent, it was just dormant. She would do whatever she needed to do.