Personal Experiences (37 page)

"WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!" He yelled at the top of his voice.

"I heard that whole fucking conversation Elle. Did he fucking call you a whore?"

I closed my eyes and started to walk away from him.

"NO, NO, NO! You don't get to walk away from this, Elleny. Don't you fucking dare close me out!!! You don't get to decide what I get to know and what I don't get to know!!!"

That's it! I lose it. Built up anger from years of being beaten and raped til I can't see straight erupt inside of me and I lose it on the one person I've tried my hardest to hide it from. I walk right up to his face.

"I DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT YOU GET TO KNOW AND WHAT YOU DON'T? YOU DON'T WANT ME TO CLOSE YOU OUT? YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE BEEN RAPED BY THAT MAN AND HOW MANY ABORTIONS HE'S MADE ME HAVE!!! HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS BEATEN ME SO BAD THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO STAND UP, SIT DOWN, LAY DOWN. NOTHING! MY THROAT? IT'S SORE BECAUSE HE CAME HOME TO ME JUST THE OTHER NIGHT WHILE I WAS SLEEPING AND HELD ME DOWN BY SITTING ON MY CHEST AND FACE FUCKED ME UNTIL I CLEANED HIS WHORE'S PUSSY JUICE OFF OF HIS OWN COCK!! THE REASON I NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR'S IS BECAUSE I NEED TO FIND OUT IF I HAVE SOME DISEASE SINCE HE DECIDED TO FUCK HER UP THE ASS TOO AND SHOVE THAT DOWN MY THROAT AS WELL!!! YOU WANNA KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA KNOW!!! THESE" I hold up my wrists "THESE ARE FROM HIM TYING ME UP WITH LEATHER STRAPS AND HURTING ME SO BRUTALLY HE TORE THINGS INTERNALLY! HE BEAT ME SO BAD, LILLY COULDN'T EVEN HELP CLEAN ME UP, THERE WAS SO MUCH BLOOD, SHE THOUGHT I WAS DEAD AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE WORST TIME! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MY TATTOOS ARE? THE REMEMBER IT'S NOT ABOUT REMEMBERING ANYTHING ABOUT US, IT'S A PROMISE TO MYSELF, TO REMEMBER THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU THE WAY THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. IT MEANS REMEMBER TO KEEP YOUR HEART LOCKED HEAVILY AWAY AND DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE TOUCH IT…EVER!!!! THIS ONE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME IN MY LIFE. IT SAYS YOU CAN HAVE MY BLOOD, YOU CAN HAVE MY SWEAT BUT YOU WILL NEVER GET MY TEARS!!! I'M BROKEN TREVOR!!! I'M TAINTED AND I WILL NEVER BE REPAIRED!!!!!"

I'm breathing heavier than I've ever breathed before in my life. Tears are running down my face and I had no idea I was even crying. I have to get away from here. I looked over at TJ, he was faceless; staring at me as though he was looking at that wall behind me. He was not saying a word; he was simply, just a shell.

I turned around to walk away when I felt him grab my arm and turn me around and pick me up.

"What the fuck, TJ?" my voice, barely there is rough and cracked. He didn't say a word, just carried me towards his room. He opened the door, carried me through it and shut it with his foot. Still nothing said, he set me down.

"What are we doing?" He just stared at me again. I felt him unbutton my pants, I heard them unzip as he pulled them apart.

"TJ, you can't do this, I'm not begging."

Still, nothing came from his mouth. I felt him grab my pants. He slowly pulled them down to my ankles. He tapped the top of my foot, I pulled my foot out of my pant leg. He did the same on the other side, I oblige. He stood back up and gently removed the chain from my neck. He just as tenderly removed my shirt. I was standing there in my panties and bra. He went over to the wall and hit the light switch.

As he was walking, I begged him "Please TJ! No, please don't turn on the-"

That's as much as I got out of my mouth as I look down at my body. I saw TJ slowly walk up beside me, leisurely running his fingertips as gently as he could over the purple, pink and green marks that covered my whole abdominal area. He circled around me studying my body, using very little pressure as he touched my skin.

I closed my eyes; I can't even imagine at this point in time what he was thinking.

"TJ-"

"Shhhhh." that was all I had gotten out of him in the last twenty minutes.

He circled around me one more time, when he stopped behind me. He unhooked my bra and came around the front of me. I had my arms folded across my chest, he gently pulled my arms down; I complied. He then went back to my shoulders and pulled my straps down until the bra was hanging from his one finger. I went to put my hands back up to hide my breasts.

"Don't you even fucking think about it." he was talking again in that low, terrifying voice.

I dropped my arms back down to my sides and turned my head to look away from him. He gently kneeled back in front of me and slowly pulled my panties down my legs. I hesitated and began to say his name but he beat me to the punch.

"Don't say a fucking word."

He pulled them down to my ankles and again, I stepped out of them when he tapped on my feet.

There I stood; nude, bruised, and extremely humiliated in front of the one man I never wanted to see me like this.

Still kneeling in front of me he began to slowly run his hands up my calves, then my thighs, he was moving so slowly I wondered what was running through his mind; how long the bruises have been there? Maybe he's wondering when the last time I got my ass kicked was.

He reached my stomach and rubbed his fingers over my C-section scar from the twins, I squeezed my eyes shut. This was fucking killing me. He touched my ribs again, making his way up to my breasts, gently, running his fingertips over my nipples, they had become hard and erect from just that little touch of his finger.

He brought his hands down around my waist and gently placed his hands on my hips and pulled himself closer to me, placing tiny kisses on the bruising that covered my stomach. He moved over to my hips and ribs and placed kisses on that area as well. Pushing himself back, he moved to the other side and repeated the same actions. He eventually worked his way back to the middle and kissed my stomach as though he was kissing my uterus for the babies that I had been made to get rid of.

He doesn't look at me, but by the tone in his voice I knew he was dead serious.

He whispered to my stomach, "He's dead, Elle". Standing up he didn't say another word, just walked nonchalantly into the bathroom and closed the door. I stood there for a moment wondering if we were done. Should I get dressed again? That's when I heard all hell broke loose. TJ was screaming, not saying anything but just screaming at the top of his lungs. Glass was breaking, things were being thrown, and punches were landing against the wall. Toiletry items were being pushed off the sink, landing and breaking all over the tile floor. Quickly, I pulled on my panties, shirt and shoes, I grabbed his shoes that I saw by the bedroom door and flew to the bathroom. I couldn't see from the mascara tears that had blinded me but I threw the door open and saw him standing in the middle of this enormous jumble of chaos that my words had created. I couldn't keep my anger under wraps and had let everything except the most important secret out.

I looked at TJ, he was looking back at me; huffing and puffing from the exertion, his eyes are bloodshot; face was red. "Oh Jesus, TJ; this is entirely my fault" .I said through my tears. I walked over to him and ask him as pleasantly as possible "TJ, honey pick up your foot. Sweetie, there's so much glass; let me slip on your shoes, I don't want you to cut yourself." He followed and I repeat the process of putting on his other shoe to get him out of this mess.

We walked back through the bedroom grabbing some more jeans and a shirt for him. My clothes were fine. I snatched them up and headed for the bedroom door. We headed for my suite so that I could get him showered and dressed. I did this; I needed to clean it up. We went into my room and I walked him into the bathroom. I went to the shower and turned on the water so that it could warm up.

I began to do what he did to me, taking off his shirt gently and when it stuck to his head I winced and apologized. I undid his pants and pulled them down leaving his boxers on. I removed his shoes before pulling his jeans down his legs. Sitting on the side of the tub in his boxers, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable so I thought I'd leave it up to him

"Would you like me to leave while you get in the shower?"

"I'm sorry, Elle."

I stopped what I was doing and just stood there.

"I'm so sorry, baby." He said as he bent down and grabbed my cheeks in his hands and pulled me up to him.

"Shhhhh, TJ. Sweetie, none of this is your fault."

He was restraining himself, I could tell. His voice and hands were wobbly and he didn't know where to touch me. He needed to control himself by limiting his contact with me. I knew he was on the edge.

He still had my head in his hands as he pulled me up to his face; he touched his lips to mine, still repeating over and over again. "I'm so sorry, baby" as I was repeating "It's ok, everything is fine".

He sealed his lips over mine and began to swipe his tongue all through my mouth as though he was wiping away all the bad, Bear had done to it and I allowed him too. His kiss became harder as he started to lose control. My hands flew up into his hair, where I wrapped my fingers in to secure him in place I pushed him deeper into me. He broke the kiss and worked his way down my neck with the lightest of kisses. "TJ, I'm not glass." As he continued kissing me, he replied "Yes you are; you should never have to hurt like this." He began walking me backward as we passed by the shower, he reached in and turned it off. I didn't stop him. We continued walking straight back into my room. Our kisses were so desperate for each other, we couldn't get close enough. There was no turning back now. I couldn't; I had to feel him within me. I needed to feel him.

He curled his fingers around the bottom of my shirt; I lifted my arms to answer his unspoken question. I wanted him just as bad as he wanted me. We broke our kiss long enough to get my shirt over my head. My hands went down to the top of his boxers and began to push them down. His lips sucking my tongue deeper into his mouth, gently, he was nibbling against it. I unlocked my lips from his and was joined to him by my tongue and his lips. I smiled, this was my happiness. I felt his fingers dive into the corners of my panties when he let go of my tongue. "Say the words Elle, I have to hear them from you. I have to know that you want this just as bad as I do. This can't be all just me". I looked him in the eyes for what seemed like minutes but was in fact seconds. I put my nose to his and opened my eyes to look in his and said it "Please TJ, I need you, baby." He pulled my panties down and laid me gently on the bed. He continued kissing me as he reached down and pulled his boxers off. I grabbed around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist and allowed him to drag me up on the bed where he had better access. "TJ honey, please, I'm begging you here." He began slowly nibbling my skin at my throat and worked his way down. He licked my right nipple and I bowed up into him. He brought it between his teeth and bit gently; teasingly. He worked his way over to the other side and worked that breast as well. He sucked and licked and bit, I closed my eyes and relished the emotions pouring out of him.

"I've missed this baby. You're still so beautiful. You will never fully comprehend what you do to me". As he's talking, he's kissing, slowly working his way down. I'm just listening to his words until I feel him blow gently against my clit. I retract up the bed and pull my knees up to my chest and yell "No! Anything but that, you can't do that, no putting your mouth on it!"

He sat back on his knees and looked up to the ceiling, but his eyes were closed.

"Elle baby, I've done it before on you, please."

I continually shook my head. "No, anything but that. You can't put your mouth on it."

Frustrated, he ran his fingers threw his hair and asked "why, why can't I put my mouth on it?"

I put my head down on my knees and tell him "He says it taste disgusting, he tells me it's not clean."

All at once, in once swift move, he grabbed my legs and pulled them down to him so that I was lying flat on my back. My legs were hanging over his shoulders and he had his face buried in between my legs. His tongue was flat, lapping up every drop of wetness I produced. "I'm gonna make you come with my mouth and I'm going to drink you up, you understand me, Elleny? This is beauty. This pussy right here." Lick. "This is my heaven." Lick. "This is my sanctuary." Lick. "My refuge." Lick. "That mother fucker doesn't even deserve to lay next to this treasure." Lick, lick. "He will never in his entire fucking piece of shit life be worthy enough to put his fingers against this pussy." He opened me wider to get to my clit; he tickled it with the tip of his tongue. "Do you feel how good that feels? My tongue licking up every bit of you? That's how you make me feel. My mouth is against the most perfect jewel that will ever be found and it's all mine. The wealthiest of wealthiest men will never find a gem as perfect as yours. It's so beautiful; pink and bulging, just for me, Elle… every bit of it, is mine." He continued flicking his tongue against me. I'm not sure what I was feeling; happiness, sadness, or because I was getting ready to come, maybe a little of both mixed together.

I unwrapped my fingers from the sheets and run them through his hair. I pushed his head against me; I was on the verge of coming, so I began to lift my hips up and down quickly against his tongue. "That's it Elle, work that beautiful pussy against my tongue, and come all over my face. You look so gorgeous when you ride my tongue. Just as I was about to come, he stuck two fingers slowly into me and that was what it took to push me over. I screamed at the top of my lungs. It has been so long since I climaxed like that, it was overwhelming to me. He continued to lap up all my wetness, moaning that sexy moan as he did it. "Give it all to me babe. I want it all, everything he's taken from you. I'm giving you back."

I pulled him up to me and welcomed his rock hard shaft in me as he began to push slowly into me. "Oh fuck Elle, I'm trying to take it slow, tell me if I hurt you."

I nibble on his ear as I whisper "Do it TJ, I need to feel you move inside of me."

He slowly entered me completely and didn't move. He pushed his arms up so he was hovering over me "Do you feel my cock deep within you? That is how deep you are within me. You are so deep, Elle; I can't find a way to get you out." He began to pull out; I bowed towards him and closed my eyes. "I want your eyes, Elle." I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought my mouth up to his. I locked eyes with him as my lips barely touched his; I asked the same questions he asked me that night, seventeen years ago; "Tell me you need me, TJ." he kissed me as he began to speed up his thrusting "Elleny, I need you so much, baby. I can't function without you. For seventeen years, I've been sleeping, then you were brought back to me and now I'm finally awake." He was now thrusting in and out of me faster, his breathing was speeding up. "Tell me what you want TJ, describe it" "I want you beside me for the rest of my life, when I wake up, when I go to sleep. I want you to give me babies and I want to be able to share with you this love that is overflowing inside me." I began to tense. I felt my orgasm building. I know he feels it too because he began to moan and telling me "Fuck baby, you're squeezing me so fucking tight." He thrust twice, three more times, filling me up with every drop of him. He eventually stopped moving and just stayed inside of me.