Personal Experiences (39 page)

I knew what that meant; if I scream I get hit. If I take it like a "real" woman does he'll only bruise my inner thighs from where he's viciously rammed his hips against me. I see him reach in the drawer.

"Oh no Bear. I won't move I prom-"

He reached back around and covered my mouth. "Did I tell you to beg, Cunt? If I wanted to hear you beg, I'd give a fuck for you, but as seeing as I don't give a fuck if you come or not, I don't wanna hear your stupid, fucking voice." He whispered through gritted teeth next to me ear, spit flying on the side of my face. I have no choice, he was gonna strap me to the bed, this wasn't gonna be pretty. He grabbed my arm and pulled it out towards the head board, I resisted. "SLAPPP" he open-handed me across the face. "Don't you resist me. Give me your arm." I closed my eyes and repeated over and over in my head; don't you cry, don't you cry, don't give him your tears, Elle. Don't you dare.

"It's pretty sad when a husband can't stand looking at his wife, so the only way he can fuck her is fuck her like a dog; the dog that she is." He said as he strapped my other arm up. I could already feel the leather digging into my skin. He got me strapped up so that my arms were completely stretched out until they felt like at any moment they were going to pop out of the socket. He raised my gown and ripped off my panties. He must've looked at them because he laughed wickedly and said "You're not even woman enough to wear sexy panties for your husband. This cotton shit is not the way to get a man to want to dig into that snatch of yours, Ellie." I wanted to beg him not to do this but that would've just gotten me smacked again, so I just laid there.

I heard the unzipping of his zipper and felt him pull my ass cheeks apart, he mercilessly pushed himself into me as hard as he could without warning. I drove my head as far as I could go down into the pillow and screamed in unbearable pain. He pulled out as fast and did it again but this time as he forced himself back into me he jammed two fingers into my other hole without lube or stretching. I screamed again, now I was barely able to catch my breath the pain was so bad. "That's it bitch, scream. I want to hear you scream. You like that pussy left tore the fuck up dontcha?" He whispered in my ear. He pushed forward again, this time I just moaned, my eyes became heavy and by the next thrust, I had passed out from the torture.

I woke up the next morning to the kids crying on the monitor next to my bed. Shit what time was it? That was when I heard Bear's voice come over the monitor. "Well, mornin' my princess, that stupid bitch of a momma neglecting you? Well, we will have to keep up with that. I just might have to take ya where you'd be taken care of." I looked at the clock it was 7:10 in the morning. I attempted to jump out of bed and almost fell straight to the floor. My legs were like jelly, my ass hurt and my thighs were so raw they probably were bleeding. I made it back to the bed to sit there for a moment. I had to get up and get JoJo and Luc from him. I made myself get up. I breathed through the pain all the way to my dresser. I reached in and got a pair of panties and sweat pants and threw them on real quick. I stumbled to the door and threw it open. I walked awkwardly to the nursery which was next door to my room. I threw the door open and walked straight to my child who was being held by Bear. "There she is, I thought that would motivate her. Sometimes JoJo, you have to tell those lazy ass people what will happen if they don't get up off their fat asses."

I officially loathe this man. If I didn't have these babies, I'd probably shoot him and enjoy the rest of my life in prison just knowing he wouldn't be around anymore.

I grabbed JoJo out of his hands and kissed her cheek. I smelled her head and that brought me back down from my panic attack. I tangibly had her in my arms. I held her to me and just closed my eyes. I opened them and saw Bear smiling at me. I didn't ask him what he was smiling at, although he must've wanted me to because he told me "I thoroughly enjoyed last night, Sweet-cheeks." I still didn't respond to him, there was nothing to say. "I think we might have to do that again here in the near future."

As he said that he walked by me saying "Now, where's that sexy lil Rachel, I can't wait to smack her ass."

Fucking Dick!

Before he left the room, I thought I ought to go ahead and get the news out. I knew this wasn't going to go pretty, but I didn't give a fuck. He was saying shit about Rachel. I wasn't going to put up with that. The best thing she ever did was get rid of this fuck-stick! I was mentally preparing myself for the ass beating I was getting ready to take.

"Oh hey Bear, since you wanted to be a cocksucker. When you raped me two months ago, you got me pregnant again and it's too early to have it "dealt with" as you put it, so guess what, you're gonna be a real fucking father now."

He hated TJ being brought up in his face. The twins were his biological kids in his eyes and no one was going to say differently. This mother fucker ever said that they looked like him. He slowly entered the kid's room and shut the door.

"You don't think I aint afraid to have you walking around out there with a fucking bruise on you, whore? Cuz I aint. I will mark you all over your disgusting body, bitch and they won't know a fucking thing. Say the word Ellie, give me permission to fuck you up into next week." I smiled at him and walk past him. "That aint my baby, whore." I kept walking "what the fuck ever, Bear."

I decided I needed some time to myself, and since I looked like a punching bag, I didn't think I could walk around the mall, so I decided to go where I have been in a while, to see my momma. I didn't remember her, but my daddy says I looked like her, I had seen pictures of her; she was beautiful. Long dark hair that she wore up on top of her head in a high ponytail, her eyes were brown to match her hair. The only memory I have of her was daddy wouldn't let me have sweets, only on special occasions which was hardly ever. So, one night, my momma strapped me in the car and we rode into town, I remember playing with the toy she had given me to keep me busy while she drove. We ended up going to the sewing shop to get some ribbon; I couldn't even tell you what it looked like. We got back in the car and drove to the ice cream shop where we ended up staying for a while, she got me a cup of ice cream, she had a cone, I remember licking more of hers then I ate of mine. I slept all the way home. I remember her smile. Her smile lit up the night it was so bright and beautiful. I don't ever think she yelled a day in her life. I missed my momma, but I was glad that she wasn't around to see how I turned out, she might end up blaming herself and this had nothing to do with my parents.

I asked Rachel if she'd sit with the twins a bit I had to run an errand. I ended up just going in the shorts I had on, I wasn't going for a fashion show, I needed my momma. I drove all the way there in silence, thinking about where I had gone wrong, what did I do to make Bear hate me so much. He wasn't like this in school and I know he never treated Rachel like this; she would've dropped his ass. I don't ever remember feeling this alone in all my life and yet, here I was with another little one inside of me and wouldn't be alone for the next nine months.

I pulled up the road that my mom's grave was near and parked. I didn't bring her any flowers and I felt guilty for that. I haven't come to see her in years, I don't even think I brought the twins up here but yet in my time of need, here I sit. I'm such a selfish fucking bitch in my eyes.

I walked down the middle line of headstones, so careful not to step on the area in front of them and then I see my mom's. Beautiful daisies sat on both sides of her marker, pictures of my babies were placed in a picture frame that said "I heart my grandma!" there was a stick so that it could be stuck in the ground. Daddy must come up here still, he used to make it an every Sunday ritual; "got to go and talk with Nancy" I'd hear him call as he was walking out the door as if it was his therapy. I knew my daddy's pain and there was no way that I could comfort him enough for that pain to go away. He was lucky though, Mona loved him with all her heart; I didn't even have that. I felt a tear hit my cheek at the picture of my children… every day they looked more and more like their daddy, it made me smile. I wiped my cheek as I sat down in front of my mom's headstone and laid my cheek against the smooth rock. "Momma, I need you." I whispered as I tried to hold back the tears. "I can't be strong much longer; I'm breaking here. I'm so ashamed at who I've become. I gave up everything for him, momma." I got louder as the tears decided to come; I couldn't hold them back anymore. I sniveled the tears that were running down my cheeks onto my lips up into my nose. "Tell me what to do." I whispered as I began shaking from silently crying.

I sat there for hours, just chatting for a bit, then I'd look around at the scenery and put myself where she is…was she happy with where daddy had put her, she laid up on the top of the hill that had a clear view of the hills that lay beyond Richland on your way to Marietta. I thought it was gorgeous view. I began talking to her again, this time about the kids.

"I wish you could tell me if I am a good momma." I said, looking at her name written in pretty calligraphy it said "Nancy Elaine Phillips-Barker" under was her date of birth and date she passed then underneath there it said "You are loved and cherished". Yep, that was my dad. "I feel so lost, like inside of me is disorder and confusion and I can't be like that I have to stay in control. I have to be aware of every move he's making momma, because if I'm not he's going to take our children and I'm tired, I'm so fuckin weary. I have another one on the way, just found out yesterday. See my face?" I took my sunglasses off, like someone was really speaking with me. "Got this because I was stupid, lazy, fat, ugly, a bad mom and a bad fuck and…"

I kept going naming off all the names that I hear every day of my life, names that I've gotten so used to being called. "Oh, don't worry, they don't bother me anymore. Nothing bothers me anymore. True love is not real, never was. It's some bullshit story that we tell our little girls to get their hopes up that some man out there will treat them with respect and revere them. We teach them that man will keep them safe and never harm them. That they keep your secrets and show you, you are special. No, but see… that's not how life truly is! In reality, the word love means, hatred and malevolence, disrespect and cruelty. They don't keep your secrets and they don't treat you special. They don't keep you safe and they DO harm you."

Chapter Eighteen

Present Day

Sitting in the waiting room of TJ's doctor's office, I felt as though all eyes were on me. I saw people whispering, I wondered if they were whispering about the lady that was having another STD test, two in a week. I think I needed to lay off the coffee.

TJ saw me fidget, he grabbed my hand and held it in his lap, turning towards me for just a moment; he smiled a reassuring smile and went back to looking at his lap.

"Miss Barker?"

I looked at TJ, he called for the appointment and gave him my maiden name, it was going to look funny when I had to hand them my insurance card with my full name on it. The nurse walked us back to the triage room, where she weighed me and took my blood pressure…again, twice in two weeks; I think I'm up to date on my vitals.

"So, Miss Barker, what are we seeing you for today?"

"I just need a S-" This is where TJ cut me off.

"She's going to need a physical. I'd like Dr. Callahan to check her out thoroughly."

I looked at TJ with my eyebrows raised, "What on-"

"I'm sorry Mr. McHale, the appointment was scheduled hours ago and we still have three other patients to see, maybe you can resch-"

Since my appointment was scheduled at 2:00 and we didn't arrive until 4:00 because of getting… caught up in some "unexpected business", I was thankful they would still see me, now here he is making waves, they'll probably end up kicking us out.

"Listen to me…is it Jackie?"

"Yes sir, my name is Jackie."

"Well Jackie, I bet if you go and have a discussion with Dr. Callahan, he will not have a problem with us sitting in the exam room while he finishes off with the other patients and then returns to our room. He will be compensated very well for his time."

She nodded her head and placed us in an exam room.

"That was totally unnecessary, I don't need an exam, I just want to have him take some blood and be done with this." I protested flipping through a celebrity magazine.

"Elle, you are covered in bruises. I want to make sure that you don't have anything broken."

That was truly none of his business. I didn't want to discuss this with him and I sure as shit didn't want some doctor poking his head into this situation, if Bear got wind of this, he'd have my kids up and gone by the time my plane landed back in Atlanta.

Still flipping through pages, looking for something to read to take my mind off this, I shrugged and casually informed him "it wouldn't have been the first time and it sure as hell won't be the last."

Suddenly, TJ was in my face ripping the magazine out of my hand and throwing it across the exam room. "It sure as fuck was the last time!" He tightened his jaw and his eyes were lit with pure rage. "Don't you fucking think for one second that he won't get what's comin to him for what he's done. You are not going back to that! And that's final! "

Quickly the room began getting smaller, as it came in around me. All the air was sucked out of it. I couldn't catch my breath; I bent my head down between my knees and began taking longer breaths.

"What's the matter, Elle?"

"I can't breathe; I think I'm having a panic attack."

"What… why?"

I sat up swiftly, so quick; my ponytail flew through the air.

"You have no clue about me anymore TJ; don't tell me I'm not going back to that because I have no choice… I have to go back."

He walked back over towards where he was sitting, "What the fuck do you mean that you have no choice to go back? You have a choice and I'm making the choice for you. When we leave Burlington, I'm going with you to your house. We're packing up what you and the kid's need for a couple of days and coming back to my house and then I will have professionals go in and pack up the rest of ya'lls things and put them in storage."