Personal Experiences (43 page)

He came at me, his lips were in a perfect straight line. He put his hands around my waist, lifted me up and carried me to the couch. Once there, he tossed me on it.

"I said sit!"

I gasped "Trevor McHale!"

"You're gonna sit and we're gonna talk, and don't call me Trevor again!" He demanded as he came to sit next to me.

"I don't have time for this bullshit TJ, I have calls to make." I looked at my watch just so I didn't have to look at him.

I took a breath, either from exhaustion from all this drama or to calm myself down, I wasn't sure. TJ saw that I was still irritated. He picked up my hand and kissed my knuckles.

"Babe…Where did you go this morning?" he said in a softer tone. The tone I could never say no to. This was the TJ that I fell in love with 24 years ago, sitting in a circle on the sidelines of a soccer field playing telephone with. This was the man that told me that same day that he was going to marry me and no matter how much I fought it, it was happening. His tone told me he still felt the same way he did that day. I looked over at him and my eyebrows must've been drawn up because as soon as I looked over at him his went up as well. I still didn't say a word, just moved my eyes over him. What seemed like minutes but actually was moments, I noticed him; Trevor. I looked at his hair; strands I've had wrapped around my fingers, that I've brushed off his face to just bask in all that was him. I reached up and did just that, I gently moved his hair away from his face and looked at his forehead. "Elleny?" I still didn't respond. I touched his brow that was raised up in confusion and curiosity. I ran my thumb over the little wrinkles that had taken up residence there due to stress and time. His skin was delicate to me; so soft and so warm. I wanted to take those lines of stress away, I wanted to take everything that made him not be this Trevor, I wanted to take it off of him.

I wanted to be the eighteen year olds back out at the lake where we had no cares in the world, just laying down on a mound full of sleeping bags discussing how Layla was a slutty name. I wanted to be his savior as he was mine. I looked deep in his eyes; beautiful long thick eyelashes that curl just enough to see the hazel eyes that reigned over me. Eyes that flare red when he's lustful and angry, that also glimmer when things matter to him. I am mesmerized every time I look in them. They possess me. When he looks at me his eyes don't stay still, they flicker back in forth looking into both of mine, so that I get a double shot of just how truthful and heartfelt the meaning of what he is telling me is.

They can look at me in an instant and interpret everything that I am feeling; they know me; he knows me. They read my soul and my soul can't be away from him another day, it barely makes it an hour. I slowly move my fingers down his cheek to his lips. Lips that are fleshy and plump and the perfect color of pink, with one touch they can drop me to my knees or command me to do anything. They have tasted me, aroused me, they have even comforted me. I run my finger over his bottom lip and feel him take it in his mouth and swirl his tongue around it. I close my eyes, he knows; every thought, every idea, every emotion I am feeling, he knows. Still, not having said a word, I throw my leg over his and straddle him, still just staring at him. I touch my nose to his and slowly rub them together taking in his scent that captivates me.

He could be in another room and I walk into the room he just left and smell his scent and immediately become wet. It enthralls me; enchants me. I go to his ear, ears that have heard my moans of pleasure and of pain. Ears that have heard me beg and plead with hunger. They have heard me laugh and cry. I pull his earlobe in my mouth and bite gently with my teeth. I hear a soft hum in his chest. Softly, I whisper against his ear "Do you like it when I do that?" He doesn't answer my question verbally, I feel him grip my thighs with his hands and feel him instantly get hard between my legs. ‘hmmmmm, I take it that's a yes."

I flick my tongue on his ear again. I begin moving back and forth in his lap. I hold the power now, he's under my command. I pull my head back and look at him, his eyes are closed so I lean my cheek up against his cheek and brush him with my breath again "tell me what you're thinking, TJ" his eyes open up and I can see his eyes are flaring, I know this man too well. "Do you really want to know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking what in the hell I have to do so that you will never leave me again."

What the fuck! Talk about coming to a complete stop! This moment is ruined.

"Fuck!" I yelled as I hopped off of him and headed back to my desk. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" TJ asked. Grabbing for the knob, I go to turn it and realize it's locked. I turned around and glared at him. "Nice Trevor… real nice." He had it planned that he was gonna attempt to get him something instead of talking. As I passed Mary's desk, I heard him yell…"We need to talk!" I don't even look back, just keep walking and reply "Go talk to Sara! I'm sure she'll eat your bullshit up!"

I had no clue where I was going or what I was doing, I just had to get out of there for a moment. So I went to the elevators and waited. It seemed easier to take the stairs. I asked Charlene where the stairwell was and she directed me to it. I walked through and noticed there were stairs leading up. I thought we were on the top of the building but obviously they led somewhere, so I took them. I saw a door which had to lead out to the roof; so I opened it and not being sure if it locked automatically or not I put my purse between the door and the jamb. I am standing on the rooftop overlooking the city and I don't want to go anywhere else. I walk out to the edge, well… a bit farther than where I was standing now and look down, I felt dizzy but I felt alive. The wind was cold and gusting and yet it didn't feel cold or blow debris up at me. I sat down and lifted my head up to the sky. I felt the sun beating down on my face because my eyes were closed, no one was around and all I heard, other than the wind was silence.

I sat up there for an hour just alone with my thoughts and nothing else to bombard me. I came back down and went straight to my office and began working. I didn't go to see TJ and he didn't come to me, obviously he has caused enough waves in this office this week, he didn't need anymore. I called and booked five signings for Monday, since you never knew how long it was going to take to go over everything when it came to company buy outs you had to give plenty of time, I've learned two hours is a good time span.

So Monday we were booked all the way until 6:30. Tuesday I book seven and that was doing them until 8:30 and then catching a red eye out of here. He was going to have to work Saturday and Sunday if he wanted all of these done and we were still going to have to probably come back to do more, fuck that if I had to work all weekend every hour we were getting this shit done. I was getting up to go talk to him about this weekend when Sara walked into my office.

Shit!

She came in without knocking and closed the door behind her.

Double shit!

"Is there something I can help you with Sara? I was just getting ready to go have a meeting with Mr.McHale and to be quite honest, I really don't have the time to deal with shit drama."

She stood in front of my desk looking down at it, moving shit around like it was hers and she was organizing it. "I just have one thing to say to you" she informed me. Oh, now really. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot who I was speaking to, please forgive me, I'm used to dealing with professional executive assistants ones that have college degrees. When I say I don't have time for drama" I leaned over the desk and spoke slow, "I mean I don't have time for drama. Now if you'll excu-"

"He won't fuck you and if he does, he won't keep you."

Whoa. Where did this come from?

"I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, I know what you're trying to do Elleny; work right next door to the main man who is worth millions and flaunt your…." She looked me up and down one time and curled her lip. "Flaunt your shit in front of him, which to me looks like he could do so much better. I'm onto you and let me let you in on a little secret, I've been here working my ass off to the core for four years now and if anyone is in the seat for him next, that seat belongs to me."

Was the bitch for real? I was speechless, I can't even think of what to say. I could right now bring her back down to reality but then I'd blow my very intricate cover of professionalism; but shit, how great would it feel to put this lint-licker in her place. And second, she said if anyone was in the seat for him next; what does that mean? Hmmmmm, I think I'm going to have to do some investigating here. Time to piss off this little bitch.

"Oh, so you mean that your next, huh? You weren't good enough to have him first? You get someone else's sloppy seconds?" That's when I was slapped in the face. "She didn't work here long, he wouldn't let her. Her name was Natasha, she started here and they got together; it got serious quick. She'd come in to have lunch with him and we'd talk. Said she thought they'd be planning a wedding soon. She was practically living with him. Then one day about eight months ago, out of nowhere, BAM! Dropped her like a hot potato. Didn't call her again, moved all her shit out of his house; he got tired of her. So don't think you have a chance to make him into the perfect husband cuz he aint husband material."

I couldn't see. I couldn't hear, I had to sit down. I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to finish this conversation and get the fuck out of here.

I was pissed, so I didn't have to act very much but I put on a good show for her. "First, is that how this works…he gets passed around like a tray of hors devours around here? Well, you can pass me by because I don't do bitches sloppy seconds. Second off, if you ever come to me again with high school bitch drama, I'll kick your ass like a high school bully. You got me?"

I didn't even wait for an answer, I just got my shit, my box of memory sticks, my laptop and purse and walked out the door. I couldn't let on that I knew about Natasha, because I was ready just to go and get a new hotel room, I'd pay for the shit myself, but then he'd know something was up so I just had to bite my tongue and move the fuck on. I walked by his office and he was in there by himself, I walked up to his desk and told him.

"I have booked you solid on Monday until 4:30; Tuesday until 7:30 and you're going to have to do signings all weekend long to even start to get ahead of this. I talked to Mary; she's calling me a cab. I've had a shit day. I'm going to the hotel to work and then going to bed. Have a good evening."

Chapter Nineteen

May 1996

It's spring again. I stared out at the raindrops streaking down the window of the nursery where I had just laid my new born daughter, Harlee down in her crib. We had just gotten back from my check up to make sure everything looked good and I found out that I could get a contraceptive shot, that way Bear wouldn't know and I wouldn't have to find myself in this predicament again. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled now that she was here, she was beautiful. She looked like me; dark strands of hair wisped on her small head, her soft skin was pale, not tan like Bear's and I felt as though my prayers were answered, I couldn't see anything of him in her which I'm sure I would be hearing about.

 He still had his JoJo. She was his favorite and he showed it. Luc was an identical image to his father and that infuriated him. I was shocked no one in town ever said anything to me about it, every time I looked at him my heart would stop in my chest.

In the past months, the twins turned three and were in daycare and they loved it. I was chomping at the bit to get back to work seeing as Bear never brought home a paycheck anymore he told me that I had enough money, I didn't need to take his too I began taking what I needed from my trust to support me and the kids

Daddy and Mona had went on vacation in Europe and had just returned. They stopped by to see Harlee since they missed her birth; he didn't want to go, but I told him I'd be just fine. He needed time away, for himself and I was kind of hoping that maybe he'd begin to finally see what Mona was trying to tell him.

She had changed since I had the twins. I think she really just wanted to feel involved in a family and before, it was always the two of us; she was the outsider. Now I needed her, just as much as I needed him and that made her happy. She needed to be needed.

Lilly had graduated early and had moved back to town last weekend. I was so thankful she was here as was Curt. She moved all her things into Curt's and was in the process of looking for a job although, we were spending so much time together he'd have to pry us apart.

Rachel and Kevin were finishing up their last year of school and were graduating next weekend. I was thrilled to have her coming back home too, I missed her terribly. Her and Kevin made the trip back when I was having Harlee, she knew I didn't have anyone to watch the kids so they stayed at her mom's and played momma for a day or two, this also gave her an excuse for them to do some house hunting while they were here. I gave birth, alone in a hospital room with a nurse by my side holding my hand. I didn't mind, at least he drove me to the hospital. I have forgotten what it feels like to be special to someone, just to hold my hand or to tell me I'm doing a good job at something when I think I'm doing awful. I forget what it feels like to know that someone is dependable and faithful. I am the steadfast one daily…alone; what would it be like to have a partner that shared that, I would never find out.

I turned away from the window and looked down at my sleeping angel that I had been blessed with, she would never know the truth, how damaged her momma was; she was my gratification from the violence that was her making. I lowered myself to lay a gentle kiss to her head, to smell that smell that gave me comfort and tranquility. I walked out of the nursery with a slight close of the door.

I headed downstairs with thoughts heavy on my mind. My dreams had started up again while I was pregnant, not every night but frequently, he'd show up here and there sometimes he'd just pass me on a street sometimes he would speak to me. I blamed it on the hormones flowing throughout my body. I checked on the meat in the oven that was for dinner and saw that it still had some time left for cooking. I started a pot of coffee and went to go sit down at the table.