Personal Experiences (45 page)

"You go on with your life, Elle" see, what she didn't know and I didn't want to tell her was that I didn't have a life. My husband was an asshole and I couldn't leave him. My heart belonged to a man who probably didn't even give a shit that he still had it and has more than likely given his to someone else. I didn't have a life, but I couldn't tell her that. I just smiled at her.

I knew I had to pick my kids up from daycare so I got up hugged and thanked both of them for coming over and letting me know personally. They had a key to get in, they could find the door to leave out of, I think I was still in a little bit of shock. I went upstairs, got the baby in her carrier and grabbed my purse then went to go get my twins.

My cell phone was ringing off the hook, I wasn't about to answer it. I just let it ring. I went in the daycare like every other normal day and greeted everyone with a warm smile and an even warmer hello, yep, still in shock I hugged my children so tight, I didn't want to let go but this wasn't the place to do this. I also knew they would want to know why Grammy and papa wasn't going to come over anymore. How do you explain this to three year olds.

I drove back home and started dinner like usual, Luc sat on the floor playing with his cars and JoJo played dolls that sat up in her highchair. I asked them how their day was and game them a little snack to hold them over until dinner. I finally got tired of hearing the chiming of my phone that was in my purse in the other room so I went in there and turned it off.

We finished dinner just as usual, I fed Harlee, gave her a bath and got her in bed; I did the same with the other two. I had the routine down pat now that I had three and I was doing it alone. I got the other two in bed and headed back downstairs, I went to the cabinet and got down the bottle of whisky; I needed a shot. I poured myself a shot and downed it. I began to refill the glass when I heard what sounded like full grown men attempting to knock down my front door. "Open this mother-fucking door now goddammit!!"

Holy shit, that's Rachel. I ran to the door and unlocked the two locks and pushed in the code for the alarm and opened the door, there she stood like she was in a binge; hair a mess, her makeup all smeared and she was breathing uncontrollably.

"Rach, what the fuck, hun"

She bolted at me and pulled me into her arms.

"Don't you ever fucking not answer your phone again! What the fuck is the matter with you, don't you know people care about you."

I knew what this was about, Lilly called Rachel and told her about my breakdown. She thought I was going to have another episode, God Lilly was such a drama queen.

"Rachel…look-"

"No! You don't get to blow me the fuck off ,Elleny Jean! I have been calling you all day and you didn't answer. You scared the shit outta Lilly and now here I am and you're trying to blow me the fuck off."

I took a breath… I felt for her, she probably, knowing her drove like a bat outta hell trying to get here.

"I'm sorry Rach… come in… is Kevin with you?" She walked in and I shut the door redoing everything again.

"No, I don't even know if he knows I left. Lils called me and I called three times you didn't answer so I left."

"Jesus, Rach!! Call your fucking husband! He's probably freaking out."

I couldn't believe her, see…this was exactly what I didn't want, people around me dropping what they were doing to come and rescue me. They had lives of their own.

I guided her into my kitchen and sat her down at the table. I went over to pour her a glass of wine so that she would calm down and asked if she wanted anything to eat, she nodded once; I was taking that as a yes.

I heated up some leftover dinner for her and sat with her as she ate. She called Kevin, he said he was going to kill her when he saw her but he understood.

"I'm not going back for graduation, Elle."

I almost spit out my coffee.

"The fuck you're not! Don't you think that you've worked for four years to get to this point and then miss the big finale…that's not happening Rachel! You're getting in your car tomorrow and going back!"

If she didn't go back, I'd never forgive myself. This was her payoff for all that she's done, my shit was not going to keep her from that.

"It's just me walking across a stage lady, I did that four years ago, its fine… I'm needed here, with you."

"Rach-"

"Shut the fuck up Elle, this isn't up for discussion, now drink your coffee and let me eat."

I shut my mouth and did as she said.

"Everything been taken care of ,babe?" Rachel asked me concerning my daddy and Mona's wishes. My daddy was a planner, he had everything done when I was born, when momma died there was nothing that needed to be seen to.

"Yeah…the only thing I'm worried about is when…that reminds me, do I need to call her family?"

Holy shit I didn't even think about that. Her side of the family, I didn't know them, like at all, so I wouldn't even know who to contact.

"I think Curt talked to them, hun, you just deal with your daddy's affairs."

That took a lot off of me that I didn't have to deal with that as well.

"Honey…I know you're upset but can I ask you something?"

I took a sip of my coffee "Of course."

"Can I try to call him? Iknowyouneedsomeonerightnow-" She was talking super-fast because she knew that I would interrupt her…just like I did.

"Don't you fucking dare! I can't have him here and you know it…that was the deal! Besides, if he brings his wife or girlfriend to my daddy's funeral. They'll have to bury me right beside him. I couldn't take seeing that, Rachel Harrington and you know it!"

I know she was only thinking of my best interest but I couldn't deal with that shit right now too. If Trevor McHale showed up at my daddy's funeral, they'd have to put me away…forever.

She nodded her head and went back to eating. I went over to the cabinet and poured myself another shot.

* * *

The next day, I thought maybe the rumor of my daddy and Mona's death would travel through town and Bear just might come home but he didn't. I guess he couldn't even act like he cared about me in front of people coming and going to pay their respects and offer up their condolences. Most brought over a covered dish of something. The viewing was going to be the next night and I didn't know how I was going to deal with that. There, to me was something wrong with sitting in front of a dead body and talking about them. I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off the body wondering at what time it was going to sit up and scream "Surprise!". Rachel stayed with me last night, in fact she slept in my bed with me just like we used to do. I would lay there and she'd have her back to me and I'd twist her long hair between my thumb and index finger, it seemed weird now but back then, that was just us. I felt comforted knowing she was laying there, because I don't think I could've taken a night when Bear came in for some lovin.

In the afternoon, the day of the viewing, Lilly and Curt came over. Kevin flew in and he was leaving again tomorrow evening, so that he would be there for graduation. I totally appreciated him coming and I told Rachel I would reimburse him for the ticket. She told me her four famous words "shut the fuck up" and that was it. We were all riding together in the same limo. I made sure it would have plenty of room, I needed these two girls with me. I was sitting on the couch while Lilly and Rach went to go get the kid's dressed. "What happened?" I whispered to Curt. I was so messed up yesterday, I forgot to ask. He was across from me sitting in the large armchair that my daddy used to sit in and bounce Luc and JoJo on his lap. It made me smile. He slowly got up and came to sit next to me. He took my hands and placed them in his. I've known Curtis Noland all my life. He has been my best friend's boyfriend since the second grade. He heard everything that I had said to Lilly that day but he hadn't brought it up…yet. I respected Curt, he was a good man and loved Lilly with every bone in his body.

"Elle, honey… let's wait until after to discuss this. I promise, I will tell you everything after; let's just get through this first, alright?" I shook my head because maybe he was right. I didn't want to know what took my daddy away from me right now. The limo came and picked our group up and hauled us all to the funeral home. I grew up with Mark Weatherford, his family owned this funeral home. It was called Weatherford and Sons Memorial home but it was only one son, Mr. and Mrs. Weatherford didn't have any more children.

Mark met me at the door with his hand extended. "Elleny…Sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please come in." I extended my hand to his and shook as calmly as I could. "Thank you Mark, I appreciate it." I didn't know how this was going to go but I had seen in movies that the next of kin sits right in front, I wasn't sure I could deal with that, I wanted to sit somewhere close to a door or exit just in case I needed to have a fast exit. Still holding Mark's hand I brought myself into him, he tried to back away, I didn't let him "Mark, look here's the deal. If at all possible, I need to sit close to an exit or maybe a door that would lead to an office. I really don't care but if I get panicky, like I'm going to throw up all over your beautiful carpet, I need to have that door to look at, to concentrate on instead of my daddy who is up there in front of me in a coffin with no more human fluids in his body; you get me?" He looked down and I could see he was thinking. He looked back up at me and smiled "lemme see what I can do."

Here I was, standing outside this room where my daddy was resting my newborn baby in my arms, he got to see her one time. JoJo and Luc were in the stroller in front of me probably wondering what in the hell was going on. The family could go in there and say their final goodbyes in private. I wanted to do that but I didn't think I could go in and look at him laying there so I asked Mark if he didn't mind letting everyone else go in first and then me so that he could shut the coffin, I didn't want to see him.

Rachel and Lilly came out with red eyes and tear stained cheeks, I just knew I was going to go in there and throw up everywhere but I had to do this, I needed to do this. I handed Harlee off to Lilly and Rachel sat with the twins while I slowly walked towards the door. I kept wringing my hands together like that was going to make this nightmare go away.

I opened the door and saw that coffin sitting in front of me and at that moment everything became so surreal. I had to sit down before I passed out. My daddy was in that coffin; in front of me, never to hold me again. I would never be able to put my face upon his chest and breathe in his smell, that scent that made everything better. I had no more daddy-daughter days and no more talks about how I was half his heart; I wasn't anymore was I? Because he didn't have a heart anymore.

"Daddy?"

I walked nervously up to the casket. I was afraid to do anything; finally, I put my hands on the side of it and laid my cheek down on the top of it as if to see if maybe, just maybe I could hear his breathing… nothing.

"Daddy, I can't do this by myself. You've left me, daddy… who do I turn to now?" I could feel the tears making a puddle between my cheek and the wood. "How do I continue on… you took the other half of my heart away. How will I be able to remain and endure without you here. I love you so much and I'm sorry if I didn't make you proud dad. I know I put you through a lot of shit and if I could rewind time, I swear to god I would and be a better daughter to you. I'd take away every amount of pain I caused you. I would only bring you happiness, so that you would overflow with gratification." I lift my head up for a moment and wipe my face. I draw a heart in the puddle of tears that now is dripping down the sides but I really don't give a shit, this is my moment… my final moment with the man who was the only man who showed me unquestionable and genuine love. I begin to run my finger over the smooth wood. "My babies are going to grow up with the only male role model in their lives is an asshole like Bear, they're never gonna remember or know how wonderful you were." My voice is rising. "They're never gonna get the chance to know how great and beautiful you were ,daddy. They're never gonna be able to hear what brilliant advice you give. How the fuck am I gonna live up to that daddy…because I can't! I am none of that! I'm just a twenty-one year old, no college havin momma that now has three babies and a fucking douche as a husband. There's nothing in this world that makes me even worth breathing the same breath as you daddy, I can't live up to that!" I go and sit in the chair that Mark placed in the room for me. I put my head in my hands.

 I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this viewing, I've said my goodbyes or my rant on self- pity, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I wasn't staying for the other bullshit that was all just for show. I went up to the coffin one last time. I laid my lips to where I pictured his head to be and gave him my final kiss… I wasn't going to get one in return. "I'll do my best." That was all I said. I walked to the door opened it and walked out.

I didn't sit in that chapel during the viewing, I sat out in the vestibule waiting for it to be over with. I didn't care what anyone thought, people coming in late would do a double take like they were missing something because why would the deceased's daughter be sitting out in the vestibule instead of in where the service was happening I just nodded once and went back to looking in my lap. I saw the side door open and saw Mrs. Mueller walk out, she looked like she was heading for the restroom.

"Elleny…"

I looked up like I didn't notice she was heading my way.

"Mrs. Mueller."

She stopped beside me, I was kinda trapped. On one side of me was a table that held a huge bouquet of flowers that sat in the middle of the table. It also had book markers and pamphlets of all they offered, the table was covered, I had already read through most of it. She came up beside me on the other side; Mrs. Mueller was a large lady so when I said I was kinda trapped I was kinda trapped.

"Nice turnout tonight… your daddy was well loved in this town, Sugar."

"Yes ma'am, it's a wonderful turnout." Which it was. People were coming and going all evening.