Personal Experiences (30 page)

When I heard him say those words I knew that I would make it through this. I had too. This was crucial to the both of us. We were keeping each other alive, even though we weren't together. With that, I pulled his hand up to my lips and kissed it ever so softly. He was hot but that heat was what drew me to him.

"TJ baby, you're burning up." I could feel it burning my lips as though I had put them to the stove but yet I kept his fingers to my lips.

"You feel it then, dontcha?"

"Honey, I don't know what you're talking about…don't I feel what?"

Then it hit me, like a bolt of lightning straight out of the sky.

Life-sustaining.

TJ was to me what I was to him. I was his heart and soul as he was my mine. To me, he was burning hot, providing me with the energy I needed to keep living. To him, I was burning hot, providing him with what he was in need of. That's why I was carrying the most vital piece of himself inside of me.

Because I was what was keeping him alive.

Just at that moment I woke up, drenched from head to toe in sweat. Screaming bloody murder, not because I had a nightmare;

but because I was in labor.

Chapter Fourteen

Present Day

I never thought I'd sleep that good ever again. No worry of being woke up by Bear. No worry of him tormenting the kids. I felt the safest I have felt in a long time. I was protected, and I loved it.

Don't get too used to it.

I video-conferenced the kids, told them that the flight was good and I was in my hotel now and I was getting ready to go sleep but I wanted to blow them a kiss goodnight. So I put my fingers over my mouth and leaned back as far as I could go and threw my hand out to them with a "Muah" sound effect. They did it back to me, even Luc which surprised me.

I explained to them that I would see how everything went tomorrow but for the next couple of days I was going to be really busy, so I wasn't sure if I'd be able to conference them like this again tomorrow night, if not I'd send Luc's phone a text to say good night. I reminded them to be good in school and remember the safety rules. They weren't allowed to get into anyone other than mine, Auntie Rachel or Auntie Lilly's cars or one that JoJo or Luc was driving. If Bear was to show up at the school they were to call Uncle Curt ASAP from the office and to stay in the office no matter what Bear said. If I was to send someone else to pick them up, Luc met that person at the car and asked the code word. Only then could the girls get in with them. And finally, they were to go to bed at a decent hour so that they didn't give Auntie Rachel any problems whatsoever. We went over these safety rules every day but since I wasn't there I wanted to make sure they were fresh on their minds. I told them I loved them and then told them to give me and Auntie Rach some space we needed to chat. I could've guessed how this conversation was going to go.

"Put the laptop to the side, I wanna see him lying next to you."

"Rach, he's not in my bed nor will he be in my bed."

"Don't tell me that shit, because you're going to prove your own self a liar, cuz I know you're gonna end up fucking him."

"He kissed me, Rach."

There went the hand with the cigarette in it. It was as if someone had screamed Hallelujah! Rachel's arm went straight up in the air and then pointed right back into my face.

"I knew it!" she screamed.

"Shhhhh! It just happened and it wasn't because I wanted it, he kinda sneaked it up on me."

"Ok… well, how was it?"

"Seriously Rach…this isn't high school truth or dare."

"Fuck you Biatch! I have been waiting 18 years for this shit. You had better start talking!"

"It was ok, he saw the bruises though. I thought he was going to come unglued. He started with all this "Me Tarzan, You Jane; let me pull you by your hair back into my cave" bullshit, so I had to bring him back to reality and let him know that shit didn't fly with me."

"Maybe you need some of that, Elle. I mean you haven't had someone to depend on in a long time."

"And I don't plan on starting to now, Rach. He deserves something wholesome, something that isn't tainted."

"How the fuck do you know what he needs? I swear girl, you aren't as tainted as you think you are; do you know that? "

"Rachel, do you know that I had to go and get tested for STD's because my husband fucked some whore and then came home and raped me? Then last night he went and fucked, I guess the same whore ,came home drunk sat on top of me and violently face-fucked me to clean his dick off? Tell me I'm not tainted girl, because right now, I'm feeling pretty fucking contaminated."

I looked up at Rachel, she had her hands over her face crying silently in her hands. I didn't mean to make her cry; she just needed to realize I was no good for him.

"Baby… Rachel, look at me."

She brought her hands down and I could see her mascara had run all over her cheeks and down her chin.

"Honey, I'm broken. Irreparable. He doesn't deserve that."

"Why!" she screamed at me as she slammed her fist down on her desk.

"Why can't he fix you, goddammit! He's the only one on this earth that can fix you and I want you fixed! I am not giving up on you, Elle; you mean too much to me! Stop with this!"

Still sniffling she turned her head to the side as though she was looking deep down inside of me "I need you, Elle. Don't give up on me, let him fix you. You deserve this!"

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I blew her a kiss and told her I loved her and disconnected the call. I sat there a moment and cursed my luck for running into TJ McHale again.

I needed a drink, something strong. I got off the bed and went to the door. I put my ear up to it to see if I hear anything. It sounded quiet, so I opened the door just a hair to peek out into the open area. Nothing. Lights were out, except for two small lamps over in the corners to give a bit of light just in case, say; oh someone wants to get up and get a shot of liquor. I opened the door all the way and headed for the kitchen. I walked briskly because my mindset was if I quiet-hurry I will be back in my room quicker, but if I quiet-slowly, it may still be quiet but I have a better chance of meeting him if he decides to come out. So, I quiet-hurried over to the small kitchen and open up the cabinets, I saw regular size glasses but I didn't see shot glasses. Fuck it, I grabbed a juice glass; that was good enough. Shit, the mood I was in, I could've probably just suck it out of the bottle.

I went over to the mini-bar that was located over in the living area and looked at my choices. I'm not a big liquor drinker now, but in my day… blah, blah, blah. I grabbed a bottle of Jack and unscrewed the lid and poured half a glass; that looked like a shot to me. I tipped my head back and filled my mouth.

"Holy shit!" I whispered. I looked at the glass, there was about half of that shot left, so I took a couple short breaths to try extinguish the fire that was now ablaze in my mouth and tipped my head back again.

"Woahhhh" this came out a tad louder. I tip-toed over to see that his door was still shut and I watched it for a moment to make sure he didn't come out. All was clear. I tip-toed back over to the bar and poured the same amount in my glass. Now that I'd had two shots, I was feeling pretty relaxed. My muscles weren't as tense; I didn't seem to be as uptight as I was. Yep, this liquor is pretty fucking cool.

"This one's for you Fucker, may you live short and die long."

"And who would we be toasting to, hmmm? I am really hoping it isn't me to whom you are referring to as the fucker."

I looked back and TJ was standing there in a pair of sweats and no shirt. His stomach muscles were rippling down into a luscious V where his sweats barely hung off his hips. His arms were still large and still defined as they were in high school, just a bit bigger now.

"Christ Almighty, shouldn't you go put a shirt on before harems of women break down the door to lick every muscle on your body?" I murmured to myself as I turned back around and shot what I could of the liquor in my glass.

I heard him laughing hard. Looking back again, his head had fallen back and his stomach was even tighter from laughing, which just made this all the more harder. I turned to the bar again and down the last of what was in the glass.

"Well, I wasn't expecting harems, just you." He said while still laughing, hard.

I went to fill up my glass again, considering I was pretty shit-faced, I just might fill up the whole glass.

Reaching for the bottle TJ said, "I think we've had enough, don't you?"

My hand fell down to my side, because I can't feel it anymore and just say "Nope, I'm still standing right?"

He chuckled again and started walking me over to my room.

"I thought you were asleep, I was just coming out to get a glass of water and here I find you attached to the bottle of whisky, can I ask what brought this on?"

"You sure can" I slurred. "You know what brought this on, Mr. McHale? I'm gonna tell you" I continued, stumbling back into my room.

"Drama, that's what brought this on. D-R-A-M-A."

He walked me to my bed, pulled down the bedspread and sheet and helped me sit on the side. As he was standing there, I continued on.

"I hate drama, but it seems to continually hunt me down."

As I was talking, I began pulling my blouse off, fortunately I still had my bra on. I reached beside me for my t-shirt like I was in the room all by myself. I wasn't freaking out that TJ was standing right here in front of me watching me undress.

"Never can I go a day with some sort of shit happening to me."

I balled up my blouse and threw it on my suitcase over in the corner and pulled on my t-shirt.

"I thought if I got away, it would calm down. Nope, here it is."

I reached up behind me, unhooked my bra and pulled the straps out of my shirt on both sides and flip it into my suitcase as well. I pulled my feet into bed and cover up.

"Are you comfortable, Elle?"

"No" I say as I put my hands down to my side.

"But I'm ok, thank you. Good night again, TJ."

"Good night Elle, sleep well."

I see him head for the door and thoughts and memories fly towards me all at one time then I see Rachel crying and slamming her hand down on her desk.

"TJ?"

I stop him right as he's closing my bedroom door.

"Yes?"

"Would you mind lying with me?"

I heard the smile come back in his voice as he answered me.

"Not at all."

He shut the door and panic washed over my body.

I mentally fight with myself. Oh god, what have I just done. Oh shit, TJ is going to be lying beside me in bed; for the night. Oh Jesus, what if Rach is right, what if we end up fucking. What if I end up begging like a dog. Oh shit, did I get waxed? Did I shave my legs. Oh god.

All this was running through my head as he walked around the other side of the bed and pulled the covers back. I watched him stand there for a moment.

"Ummmm Elle, do you mind if I lay in my boxers? I don't want to offend you or anything, I know you're a married woman and I told you I wasn't going to make a move on you, so you don't have to worry."

Oh shit, TJ in boxers? Oh yeah, I'm so going to get fucked this trip. No you're not; shut up, Elleny!

"That's fine, I have my sweats on; we're adults here."

Yeah sure we are, the guy just kissed you and earlier he said he wanted you to move up and down his cock in the elevator. Girl, you are so fucked!

I quieted the arguing in my head and turned on my side towards him with my hands up under my head, as I watched him take his sweats off and climb in and face me. I can see his face because I left the light on in the bathroom just in case I got up and couldn't see where I was. I smiled at him and he smiled back. We just stared at each other for long moments.

"Wanna tell me what happened?" he said in his low rough voice.

"I made Rachel cry" I blurted out.

"Oh, I see," he responded surprisingly. I don't think he was expecting that.

We stared at each other again for moments until he spoke again.

"Do you wanna tell me why you made Rachel cry?"

"Because I told her I wasn't going to fuck you."

Yep, I blurted that out too. He definitely wasn't expecting that.

"Oh, I see."

I brought my finger up to his nose and put the pad of my finger up to the tip and held it there for a moment while I whispered "I've missed you". I saw his eyes close after. I began to bring my hand down and back underneath my head.

His hand came up and wrapped around the back of my neck and his thumb ran across my cheek, just like he used to do. I felt his warmth shoot throughout my body just like I did in that dream I had of him while I was pregnant with the twins. He moved his thumb down to brush against my lips. Back and forth he went; as he did he dropped his eyes to watch himself.

He didn't say a word, just continually brushed back and forth across my lips. I didn't say anything either. I raised my hand and held on to his lower arm just to have some type of contact with him. Finally, he spoke.

"I'm sorry about your dad."

I closed my eyes at the thought of my daddy. I reopened them.

"I know."

We sat there in silence a little bit longer. My eyes just taking in every square inch of this face.

"Should ‘a been me, Elle."

Still looking at him, I lowered my eyebrows in confusion, but he doesn't say anything. Now I'm really confused. Was he talking about my dad still? I watched him pull me closer to him, his hand still around the back of my neck. Closer, closer until there's no space between us. Air couldn't even wedge between us. He pulled my forehead down until it settled touching his. He closed his eyes.

"Goodnight, Babe."

Oh shit, did he just say what he used to say to me almost eighteen years ago? Oh yeah, I'm totally fucked.

"Night."

I was just about to drift off into deep sleep when I felt him put his arm over me and heard him say three little words I never thought I'd hear him say again to me;