Personal Experiences (25 page)

Dr. Leonard informed me that the nurse would be coming in to take some blood and then sat there for a minute until she saw my breathing regulate. She decided to excuse herself to give me a minute to come to grips with the news that I just received.

I didn't know what to do first, so I cried. I cried hard. Then I thought about what to do next, should I call my daddy who was out in the Caribbean enjoying himself, call Bear who apparently didn't give a shit about me and one baby so why would he care about another. So, I called who I always called when I needed to talk.

"Hey babe! Whatcha doin?"

Rachel's voice was so assuring to me. It calmed me. I never needed to question her loyalty or her trustworthiness.

"Rach…there's two."

"What Elle… I can't hear you…speak up."

I was quiet for a second because I needed to pull myself back together. I was getting ready to start sobbing again. I heard a whisper then I heard a door shut on the other end of the phone. "Elleny…is something the matter? Talk to me babe."

I gathered myself together and on a large inhale of breath I repeated "There are two."

"Oh Honey, you scared the shit outta me, I thought something was wrong with the baby… Sugar, there are two what?"

"Babies, Rachel… Babies" I blubbered.

"Oh Jesus, Elleny"

Yeah, that was an understatement. I was lost and alone. I wasn't even in my right mind at this moment in time.

"I'm sorry Rach, I shouldn't have called you. Go back to whatever you were doin, I heard I interrupted you."

"I'm coming over…where are you?" This is what I loved about my friends, I didn't have any family, they were my family and I could depend on them as such.

"I'm at Dr. Leonard's office."

"Can you drive?"

"Rach, I'm fine. You just spend time with your-"

"Shut the fuck up! I'm coming over…now, do I need to come and get you or are you going to meet me at your house?"

Yep, that's Rachel.

"I'll drive home. I will see you there."

"Lilly's coming with."

On my home all that I kept picturing in my head were two babies swimming around in my belly, a version of me and a version of TJ. Our babies that we made out of love and I get to look at them every day for the rest of my life. I get to feel a part of him inside me for the next four months, growing stronger day by day. I began to think to myself that maybe I wasn't so unlucky after all. Maybe I had been doubly blessed.

I made it home and saw Rachel's car sitting in the drive. I walked inside and both Lilly and Rachel were sitting in the living room, as soon as they saw me they both ran to me and we all cried together. Rachel dropped to her knees and began rubbing my belly. I grabbed her hand and lifted her up until she was standing then we went into the living room and all three of us sat hip to hip.

"Did you find out the sexes?" Lilly asked hesitantly, watching to see the expression on my face to see what her mood should be. I smiled and the smile grew bigger and bigger so theirs did as well.

"Ya'll be happy to know that you are the proud aunties to a little girl and a little boy".

All three of us hugged and cried together for what seemed like hours. I needed this comfort, I felt so deserted. This was better than anything I could've dreamed about. Finally we all stopped crying and separated just a bit. Rachel and Lilly's heads turned from side to side when Lilly spoke.

"Ummmm, where's Bear and what the fuck is wrong with your face?"

First I grabbed my face and scoffed, when it came to Bear, I wasn't sure so I just shrugged. I hadn't heard from him all morning, for all I knew he could've been laying in a ditch somewhere, but the way he treated me last night I couldn't have cared less.

Lilly stood up quickly and started for the back of the house, "You mean to tell me he didn't go with you to find out the sex of his baby and he wasn't with you when you found out you were having twins?"

I shook my head because really what could I have said.

I decided to tell them what happened. "Last night he got upset with me because I told him I was going to go see TJ and talk to him about what happened that night."

They both got quiet for a moment. So I continued;

"Ya'll, we have been friends since we were able to form sentences, I can't leave things the way they ended that night."

Still nothing so I continued…again.

"Ya'll think I shouldn't talk to him, dontcha…"

I looked at both of them and saw they were agreeing with him, not for the same reasons but for me, they knew deep down I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally.

"So how do I give him his stuff back to him, he deserves his shit back right?"

Not one word.

"Ya'll, I am not a fucking mind reader! Ya have to talk here!"

It was Lilly who finally responded to me "Don't do it Elle, don't put yourself in that place. I mean, it almost killed me being so far away from you when "what happened" happened and I had to hear about it on the phone and not be able to do a thing to make you better. I can't go through that again…and neither can your babies. You have to think of them now."

She was right and I knew it, TJ though was like my drug, I just needed just a look, a small peek to get my fix of him. I had yearbooks, pictures anything with him on it stashed away in my room where Bear would never even think to look so that I could just see him and make the unbearable ache go away. He was my obsession. If I saw him and he would talk to me that would make the ache even worse.

I would daydream of him coming up to my door and telling me he still loved me and he wanted me to go with him and I would. I know that in reality if he did that I would more than likely go, but it wouldn't happen now, if he would see me he would think that Bear knocked me up and that I had officially moved on so that would give him a reason to do the same.

"Is he here, Rach?" I whispered to Rachel because I wasn't sure I really wanted to know. She didn't answer so I didn't want to push it. Rachel knew the truth about the deal and the babies but Lilly didn't and I wanted to keep it that way. I had to walk away and catch my breath.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed an apple juice, Rachel followed me in there. "Don't do it babe, you did the right thing, letting him go…so let him go."

It took everything within me not to tear up, throw something and destroy the whole kitchen all at once. I knew I had to let go but I just couldn't.

"I can't. It eats at me every day. I lay next to a man that doesn't mean shit to me and I dream about a man who I love so much I can't see anything else. I picture him everywhere, every time I see a man going down the street it's him, I can't do this Rach, I'm not going to survive."

"Honey you've done it this long, it will just take time, no one said it was going to be easy, but it will work out."

Just as we were finishing up our chat Bear and Lilly walked in the kitchen. I just stood there and glared at Bear. I really didn't want to get into anything while they were here so I just ignored him.

Taking Lilly and Rachel by the hands I led them out to the back porch. I had Clara make some of her chicken salad before she left yesterday to go spend Thanksgiving with her family. We sat out on the back porch enjoying the beautiful scenery and eating chicken salad and drinking sweet tea laughing and catching up.

They told me about their times at school and even Rachel told me about her new man, Kevin. Lilly had been spending time with Curtis and he was loving it, he missed her so much, you could tell when you look at him he was having a difficult time with the separation.

After several hours of catching up with the girls, they left and I was left alone with Bear. He was in the living room watching television I was in the kitchen cleaning up what was left of the dishes when I felt Bear's hands moving my hair to the side. My hands in the water stilled. His nose came up against the back of my neck. I could hear his loud inhales and exhales as though he was sniffing me, his warm breath hitting my cool neck, all the sudden I felt his hot wet tongue up against where his nose had just been, he was tasting me.

"I'm sorry, Ellie" he said quietly. I clutched my eyes closed.

"You missed an important appointment today, Bear. I needed you there today and you weren't there, where the hell were you?"

"I stayed in the back room at work again and then just worked some overtime today, I had to get away Ellie, you promised me that you wouldn't have any contact with him after we got married and now here it is, we're married and you're insisting on seeing him. I told you that was my baby, not his."

"Babies, Bear."

He looked back at me quickly…"The fuck you say?"

"I said babies; there's two."

"There's two babies? Twins?"

Now that he's repeating everything I'm saying I'm starting to get nervous. Is he going to change his mind and back out of this agreement? With the way he acted last night, I don't think I'd be too upset.

"Yeah Bear…twins, why are you repeating what I'm saying?"

His eyes were huge and he wasn't moving.

"Ellie baby, I'm so sorry… I fucked up big time." He pleaded as he hugged my back. I missed out on seeing my babies I cannot get that back." He sounded like he was sniffling. "Did you find out what they were?"

I smiled and he knew the answer to that question.

"Do you want to know?"

He shrugged "I don't know…do I?"

Every time he called these babies his I cringed, they weren't his and I died a little inside each time knowing that their real daddy would never experience any of this with me.

"One's a boy and one's a girl" I said as I smiled, thinking about a part of TJ inside me, flowing through my veins and me… was the only one keeping that part alive.

"Oh Ellie, I'm so fucking excited! I've got a boy and a girl…we've got our lil family" he said as he hugged me again. I closed my eyes and just listened to him chatter about spoiling his daughter to death and how he was going to teach all of his football secrets to his son.

I started to think about what he was saying and what Rachel had said to me and maybe she was right. Maybe I needed to give it a chance, he sounded really enthused about having the babies and he didn't have to do what he had done. I started to reconsider what I was feeling.

I hugged him back. He pulled his head off my shoulder and looked me in the eyes as he laid his forehead against my forehead he apologized again and kissed me softly.

"I'm so sorry baby… I'm sorry for everything. I didn't mean it, any of it." He continued to give me small chaste kiss on my lips, on my cheek then on my forehead and down my other cheek. "I'm sorry I hit you baby, I swear to god baby I will never raise a hand to you again. I love you so much. I just couldn't think of you spending time with him, it makes me crazy." He worked his way back around to my lips and began kissing me harder. "You're carrying two babies…my babies, I love you so much, baby"

Love…what the fuck is this love shit. This is not what we talked about. I hope to god he doesn't expect me to say it back to him because those words mixed with his name will never leave my mouth.

His hands slowly crept under my shirt and he was touching my breasts through my bra, his thumbs were rubbing coarsely against my nipples. My head fell back because it felt amazing his hands were hot against my skin, his breath against my face was warm and my body was demanding contact.

"Yes Bear, don't stop, baby" I wrapped my hands around his upper arms for balance while he raised my bra up over my breasts so he had full contact. He began to roll my nipples between his thumbs and forefingers and pinched slightly. My nipples were so sensitive that when he would pinch them I'd feel a tingly sting that felt incredible. He lowered himself kissing me as he went down, whispering endearments. He unbuttoned my pants then ran his hands over my bulging belly.

"My babies, I'm your daddy…I've got two of ya in there" He would speak and then kiss my belly, I could feel them tumbling around as he would speak to them.

"Bear, baby… I need you" to be honest, I didn't need him personally, I needed to be full of someone's cock and he just happened to be conveniently there.

Damn hormones were on the rise again.

He stood back up and kissed me walking me backwards to the bedroom, as soon as I felt the side of the bed on the back of my legs, I laid down and let him pull my pants off. He slid his pants down and laid down beside me and pulled me on top of him.

"I wanna see your belly while you ride me baby, cuz you're givin me more than I could've asked for; two babies."

Oh my god! When was he going to shut the fuck up! I was sick of hearing it. I couldn't believe how many times he kept saying that. I could take it he was proud but…Christ almighty, you're fixin to stick your cock in me, can we not talk about the babies right now?

I lowered myself down on him and heard him hiss. I closed my eyes and went to the place I always went to inside my head wherever I wanted to be with TJ. This time, I was in my room and TJ was lying underneath me while I rode him. My hands were running all over his muscled chest and stomach. I couldn't get enough of how he felt underneath me. I was completely filled with him. Feeling myself getting wetter by the thought, I began moving up and down almost pulling Bear out of me entirely then slamming back down on top until I was completely filled with him, releasing and contracting with every move that I made, making him breathless. "Ya, that's it baby, ride that cock" I ignored his coaching me, and just kept my eyes closed.

In my head, I was smiling with happiness that was barely contained within me and my eyes never left TJ's. I wanted to see every bit of him when he was coming, the way he would hold his breath and let it out in the most sexiest moans, the way his stomach muscles tightened, I would lick every bead of sweat off of his stomach. The way he sucked in his lower lip until I would reach down and grab it with my teeth and pull it into my mouth. The way the vein on the side of his neck would pop out and pulse. I did all of that to him, I brought him to that point; feeling like he couldn't catch his next breath without me moving my wet core against him just one more time. It was so erotic it would push me over into my own. I sped up as I noticed Bear's breath became hurried;