Phoenix (13 page)

know that someone accepted him for just who he was and

maybe wanted to be with him despite the fact that he wasn’t

transitioned yet. Yet being the operative term because God

knew he wasn’t going to be staying this way for much

longer.

About half an hour into it, Blake pulled his knees up to

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his chest to try and compress what he was trying to hide. He

gripped his shins gently and sighed, taking his eyes off the

book and letting his head meet his knee.

“Whatcha doin’, girly?” came a goading voice that put

Blake’s teeth on edge. He ignored the words, focusing on his

book and licking over his lips in complete annoyance. “Hey,

girly boy, I’m talking to you.”

He gave Dominic half a glance, then looked back down

without acknowledging him. He felt like he was going to be

sick any second, the anxiety trying to turn his stomach inside

out.

“Jillian,” came the drawn-out mocking tone that followed,

and Blake gritted his teeth, forcing himself not to look up at

the bully. He could hear his sneaker tapping against the

linoleum in front of him and it was really starting to get on

his nerves.

“You’re beating a dead horse, Dominic,” Blake said in an

even tone.

“Why don’t you respond to the name you were given,

huh, Jillian?” Dominic shot back, his voice grating so hard

Blake felt like he needed to shudder from it.

“Because it’s not my name. Never has been my name, so I

don’t know why you’re using it,” he replied, giving Dominic

another half-glance before looking back down to his book.

“Oh, but it totally is,” Dominic said, and Blake rolled his

eyes at his overly saccharine, eager tone. “I looked it up. I’ve

got connections in the front office, and that’s the name you

applied with, the name on every single roster in every single

class despite what you tell them. Tell me, how embarrassed

are you that you’re pretending to be something you’re not?”

Blake felt like he’d just had cold water thrown over him,

because he couldn’t even count how many times he’d

thought those words himself. Hatred followed in a heat

wave because he knew Dominic was wrong to a devastating

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fault. He tensed his jaw and let out a harsh breath through

his nose, shaking his head.

“I’m not embarrassed and I’m not pretending,” he

replied, finally making eye contact with Dominic. That felt

like a bad idea because the smirk on the guy’s face made him

feel like he was looking straight through him.

“Sure you are, girly,” Dominic said. Blake shot him a hot

glare and dropped his book from his hands, at the end of his

rope.

“Go fuck yourself,” he told him in no uncertain terms.

Unfortunately, Dominic’s eyes flashed like that was the

reaction he was trying to goad out of him.

“No, thank you. Freak,” Dominic spat at him, eyes

laughing mercilessly but also glaring just as hotly as he

turned on his heels and walked away from where Blake was

sitting, tossing over his shoulder, “Enjoy your girly book,

Jillian.”

Blake gripped hard at his book and let out a hard breath

through his nose. He let out a guttural noise of frustration

and threw his novel against his thigh, shoving his shoulders

back against the couch as he ran his hands through his hair.

Anger and helplessness burned hot in his chest and he

breathed through it, scratching hard at his scalp and

shutting his eyes. God, he fucking
hated
this guy so much.

He damn near jumped out of his own skin and let out a

soft sound when he heard a voice say, “Hey,” close to his left

ear. His head snapped up and his eyes widened before he

realized it was his best friend. He relaxed a little with a

shaking breath, the helplessness lessening now that he had

an anchor. Ethan always knew how to calm him down even

without saying or doing anything, he thought with a surge

of loving affection deep in his chest.

“You okay?” Ethan asked, concern evident on his face as

he settled down beside Blake, one hand moving to his knee,

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gripping bracingly like he already knew the answer.

Blake just shook his head and moved his hand, curling it

gently around Ethan’s on his knee, needing to touch him in

some way. “Dominic,” was all he said.

“Oh shit. What’d he do this time?” Ethan asked, his voice

full to the brim with protectiveness .

“Called out my worst fear and called me a freak,” Blake

said, shaking his head and swallowing hard with a heavy

sigh. He hated going over what had just been said, because it

made it feel all the more real. “He asked if…if I was

embarrassed to be pretending to be something I’m not.”

“God, he is such a fucking asshole,” Ethan muttered, and

Blake shot him a look of slight confusion. It was very rare for

Blake to see a flare of temper in his best friend because he

was always so peaceful.

“Do I detect some anger?” Blake asked with a small smile

on his face. Ethan shot him a look with his eyebrow raised

before shaking his head, even though by all intents and

purposes, it should have been a nod.

“Well, yeah, he is a fucking asshole and he shouldn’t have

said that to you,” Ethan replied, looking completely

affronted. His nose wrinkled ever so slightly as the disgust

rolled through his system, and Blake couldn’t help but find

it cute. Completely adorable was probably the correct term.

“Yeah, I know,” Blake said, his voice quieter than before

as he picked up his book and started to fiddle with the

pages, dog-earing them in his anxiety. He hated everything

he was feeling right now. He felt like Dominic was

completely right, that he was pretending and he should go

back to being a girl. The idea of that created even more

anxiety, though. “God, my head’s a mess,” he sighed after a

moment.

“It’s gonna be okay, B,” Ethan said, any trace of the

annoyance he’d felt gone from his voice. Blake felt his back

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relax as he felt his best friend’s hand bracing his shoulder,

and he leaned into the touch with a faint nod.

“I just wish he’d fucking go away,” he murmured, letting

his head fall into his hands, fingers curling into his hair,

movement laced with a tangible frustration. “I feel awful

enough about myself without him targeting every single one

of my insecurities.”

“That’s what he’s best at, B, but you can’t let him get to

you like that,” Ethan said, frowning deeply and gripping at

his shoulder. “I know it’s easier said than done, but you

gotta let it roll off you. Getting to you is what he wants, and

I know you don’t want to let him win, especially not with

this. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he really

doesn’t.”

“I know,” Blake groaned, scrubbing his face with his

palms until his cheeks flushed pink. “I wish I knew how to

shut him up without getting thrown out of school for

kicking his ass.”

“Be the bigger man?” Ethan offered, and Blake lifted his

head. A slow smile came onto his face as he slowly nodded,

licking over his lips.

“Maybe. That’ll show him. Right?” Blake asked, a flicker

of doubt clouding his deeply furrowed brows. Ethan just

gave him a small smile and nodded.

“Well, my dad always said a real man doesn’t fight with

his fists, but deals with it in a mature way. Boys fight and

they’ve got a lot of growing up to do. Dominic’s not a man.

He’s a little boy who doesn’t know what to do with the

strength he has. He’s probably pretty insecure, too, probably

more than you. Show him what a man is, hmm?” Ethan

offered, nudging Blake’s shoulder gently with a soft smile.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Blake murmured, settling back into

the couch. “Wouldn’t that be funny, though? A trans guy

schooling Dominic on how to be a real man.”

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“Just because you’re trans doesn’t mean you’re not a real

man, Blake,” Ethan replied like it was ingrained in him.

Blake gave him a fond smile, leaning over against him.

“I know, it’s just funny to think about because you know

that’s gonna be his perspective,” he explained, but Ethan

shot him one of those split second glances that told Blake

that he
knew
that wasn’t the case. He hated that Dominic’s

perspective of him had gotten under his skin.

“Don’t let him in your head, babe,” Ethan told him in a

firm voice, and Blake laughed a little. Damn Ethan for

knowing him so goddamn well.

“Of course not, you’re already too far into it for that,”

Blake teased. He’d had his arms crossed over his chest for

most of their conversation, but as they talked, his arms

moved to settle at his sides, his hands resting in his lap.

“Better me than him,” Ethan said with a dramatic nod,

and Blake nodded. He suddenly felt…different, like he

needed to fidget with something as his and Ethan’s eyes

met. He gave him a small smile, noticing for the millionth

time how deep blue-green his eyes were and how smooth

and light his skin was.

The urge to kiss him was absolute.

Ethan’s full lips quirked into a small smile, and Blake took

a deep breath and grasped onto every ounce of courage he

had. He leaned in and pressed his own lips to the full,

inviting pair smiling at him. It was a hell of a chance and for

a moment it felt like the whole world had stopped around

them.

Ethan broke it by jerking back, whether due to shock or

revulsion Blake didn’t know.

Blake’s eyes snapped open blindly and he furrowed his

brows, looking away. Panic flared in his chest and the

crushing need to apologize overtook every instinct. “Fuck,

sorry,” he murmured, covering his eyes with his hand and

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pressing his thumb into his temple so hard he saw stars

behind his left eyelid. Disappointment and shame crushed

him for a moment, emotions so heavy he couldn’t breathe.

“That was so stupid.”

“Hey,” Ethan’s voice was soft, bracing, not angry at all.

Blake dared to hope and looked up, breath catching as he

saw a light, pleased flush crossing Ethan’s high cheeks.

Blake almost started speaking again, but Ethan drew him

in, kissing him gently but firmly. Blake wrapped an arm

around Ethan’s waist and pulled him closer, pressing their

lips harder together, not even daring to breathe.

Their lips were smooth as they moved against each other,

and after a moment Blake felt dizzy with pleasure, but he

didn’t want to break this amazing, perfect moment. Ethan’s

lips were so soft, silky against his own, sending shocks of

sensation from his lips up his body. All doubt he’d felt about

the relationship going to another level was completely

decimated by that one perfect moment. In that moment, he

felt worth it.

Their lips slowly parted, but Blake didn’t let Ethan go, his

hand in his dark hair at the base of his neck keeping him

close enough to breathe against his lips. “Thank you,” he

whispered, overwhelmed by it.

“For what?” Ethan asked in a low undertone. The tone of

his voice like that sent shivers down Blake’s spine.

“For everything. For making me feel like a man, for

supporting me and defending me and loving me

unconditionally,” Blake replied with a small smile against

Ethan’s lips.

“Of course,” he whispered before he kissed Blake again, a

few more times in quick succession. Each one was filled with

so much love and affection he felt like he could die happy

right now.

Funny, though—he didn’t want to.

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hings definitely got better after Blake kissed Ethan. It

T had been confusing while both of them sorted out how

they felt, or rather how Blake felt. Ethan had made his

feelings clear from the very beginning, but it was harder for

Blake. He knew what he felt the second their lips met, but it

was other things that he was trying to sort out.

He had so many thoughts going on in his head, mostly

dysphoric and completely hateful toward himself. He didn’t